WASHINGTON – US forced to sell Alaska in order to combat with the rising national debt.

The US has just announced that the national debt has reached an all time high, topping $14 trillion dollars, that’s approximately $45,300 for every person in the US. The national debt is a result of the US accumulating years upon years of financial obligations dating as far back as the days of George Washington. But since 2005 alone, the debt has nearly doubled.

In order to combat the continued rising debt, Congress has been put in the hot seat, being forced to make difficult decisions. It is faced with a few potential options. One, Congress can lift the legal debt limit to create a higher credit limit for the country; Two, dramatically cut spending to keep the government on track and prevent the debt from growing further; or Three, sell government owned properties.

After an intense debate on Capitol Hill, Congress decided to go with option number three and sell Alaska back to Russia. The US purchased Alaska from the Russian Empire back in 1867 for the now bargain rate of $7.2 million dollars.

Original Check from US purchase of Alaska

“The Russians offered to write us a personal check, but that was unacceptable to the terms of the deal,” said Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner, “This is a COD kind of deal.”

The US stands to turn a hefty profit with the new sale price of $2.85 trillion.  This sale will dramatically reduce the debt, buying the US precious time to rework the budget and find a way to keep the rising debt at bay.

“We initially thought that leasing the state back to the Russians would be an option but we soon discovered that the cost to administer the lease would actually cause us to go further into debt,” explained Sen. Lisa Murkoski R-AK, “That is why we opted to sell it instead. We tried to sell Puerto Rico too but no one wanted it. We had several open houses but no bites, not a one.”

This decision has not been met without extreme outrage by the American public, especially by the citizens of Alaska.

“Just because Sara Palin is from Alaska does not mean that we should be treated like a second class state that can just be sold off on a whim,” said local Alaskan business owner, Bill Kumberlan, “this sale is going to make my life a nightmare, no one on my staff speaks Russian.”

It is unclear what other drastic measures Congress may need to take in order to deal with America’s enormous debt. But if Canada wants to make an offer on Vermont, we will gladly take it.  They’ve always wanted to succeed anyway.

PHILADELPHIA — Six years after legalizing gambling, Philadelphia is going to have the world’s most famous casino.

Next week, The Liberty Bell Casino, Pennsylvania’s 11th casino, will open after years of community protests and delays. Casino officials expect thousands of gamblers to attend the first official day of business at the casino’s 1,600 slot machines and 40 table games.

“We can’t wait to welcome all the players,” said Margie Williams, general manager of the casino at the Liberty Bell Center. “The fact that this was a four-to-five-year process, it makes it all the more exciting.”

“When a visitor wins a jackpot at the slots, we are going to ring The Liberty Bell,” said casino executive Tom Hillstrom.  “Isn’t that great? I thought of that myself.  I think it’s going to be a real draw.”

Craps table and blackjack tables will be set up around The Liberty Bell.  Casino managers said they would keep the minimum bet at these tables $2 – as to encourage tourists to play.  “What is more American than playing craps at the Liberty Bell?,” said casino employee Joshua Whitcomb.

There are many that are upset with Philadelphia officials, saying they’ve “desecrated” a national landmark. “Oh, get over it.  That was almost 250 years ago.  It’s just a bell!  The city needs money and this is a great way to raise it,” said City Comptroller Hank Bloomer.

The casino conducted test runs of its games at the Liberty Bell last weekend.  It is scheduled to officially open to the public around 1:30 p.m. Thursday, September 30, after getting a final green-light from the Pennsylvania Gaming Control Board.

Workers move gambling tables to The Liberty Center

Philadelphia (population 1.55 million) will pass Detroit (population 910,000) to become the nation’s largest city with casino gambling.

The Liberty Bell Center was opened in October, 2003. On every Fourth of July, at 2pm Eastern time, children who are descendants of Declaration signers symbolically tap the Liberty Bell 13 times while bells across the nation also ring 13 times in honor of the patriots from the original 13 states. But now… everyone will get a shot at ringing the bell. Just win a jackpot!!

The area around the bell served as the nation’s capital (1790-1800) for Presidents Washington and Adams.  The Founding Father would be thrilled to know that the Philadelphia has finally fulfilled the American Dream:  gambling!

Go to Philly… and try to ring that bell!

WASHINGTON D.C. – President Barack Obama made an announcement Tuesday that if Republicans continue to block all legislation, he will seek punitive action.

According to the Constitution, he is allowed to beat Senators with a stale baguette. Barack Obama made a surprising announcement Tuesday in front of the White House press corps.  Republicans have vowed to block all Democrat legislation, with filibusters or whatever means available.  In order to get his appointees through in a timely fashion, the President has threatened to use recess appointments and various forgotten bylaws in the Constitution.

“The time for partisan bickering is over.”  The President said yesterday.  “Our country needs action, not political posturing.  If the Republican politicians are too busy following their ideology to actually find solutions, then they need to step aside.  And if they won’t do so voluntarily, we will make them step aside.”

The President is enacting little known laws that will allow him extra powers to push forward legislation.  Stipulated within the Constitution are bylaws put in place if a group of politicians are blocking nationally necessary legislation for political reasons.  The Health Care and economic crises are outstanding enough to enact these emergency powers.

Originally the President was alloted these powers by the founding fathers.  Politicians who were still loyal to the crown made it their duty to block any and all legislation that came through teh house or senate.  President George Washington took in upon himself to make an example of the men and beat them thoroughly with a stale baguette in front of Congress.  Once the message was clear, new provisions were made giving the President permission to do such things in special circumstances.  “Those who would put their political interests before those of the country,” said Washington “can hardly deign to call themselves men.”  These powers have expanded and changed over the years.  Andrew Jackson once brought a horsewhip into the Senate.  When conservatives threatened to filibuster the much needed New Deal legislation, Franklin Roosevelt had the men bent over and spanked with a large paddle until they rescinded the threat.  Theodore Roosevelt rode his horse into Congress, pulling a tied up representative from Alabama behind him who admitted to starting the rumor that Roosevelt’s agriculture bill would increase taxes.

It is unlikely that the diplomatic President Obama will resort to such dramatic means.  Most experts believe he will simply use recess appointments.  Michelle Obama, on the other hand, has openly stated that she is ready to give any opposing Republicans “Two tickets, to the Gun Show!”  The First Lady’s impressive biceps and Tae Bo skills may be the Democrats only hope of pushing through the Health Care bill.

CHICAGO, IL – Sears has worked hard to secure great Presidents Day sales by conjuring up the ghost of George Washington at its flagship store.

Customers arrived at the State Street store in Chicago early this morning to be greeted by the spirit of the first American president George Washington. Sears has admitted to using a company-sponsored seance to bring forth and trap his spirit. For today only, he is bound to the store’s entryway, forced to greet and entertain consumers. Local commercials featuring the unhappy ghost are bringing in curious residents by the thousands.

Every five minutes, Washington sighs and reads unenthusiastically from note cards. Some phrases he has been forced to utter include:

“Worry is the interest paid by those who borrow trouble. Sign up for hassle-free Sears Credit today.”

“I have no other view than to promote the public good, so please visit our Presidents Day Mattress Event in the Home department.”

“The Sears Catalogue is the guide which I will never abandon.”

“Guard against the impostures of pretended salesmanship. Who can counter our 15% discount on all appliances?

“Associate with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation. Come see the softer side of Sears.”

Wal-Mart, one of Sears’ competitors, has countered by accusing the department store of witchcraft. A Wal-Mart spokesperson stated, “Of course we are not threatened by Sears’ unethical practices. Our customers want low prices, not devilish gimmicks. No God-fearing Americans are shopping at Sears today.”

I’m madder than Sigmund Freud with a busted stogie about that crazy woman at the New York Times!

I hear through the computer machine that that stupid paper printed a story about ladies having dirty dreams about the new Communist-in-Chief.

I thought maybe it was a lie. After all, the New York Slimes is always putting out made up stories, when it’s not ignoring real ones – like that one fellow covering up Commie mass murders, and winning that big Pull Your Leg Prize for his troubles.

But this new story looks legit! Seems all these ladies are daydreaming about the Teleprompter Kid. I tell you: their stories made this old veteran of Pork Chop Hill turn a new shade of crimson.

Listen up, all you (real) red, white and blue-blooded American ladies (New York Slimes scribblers don’t count) – you aren’t supposed to have funny thoughts about the President, not even a pretty much fake one like the Communist-in-Chief.

Did our foremothers dream of running their fingers through George Washington’s powdered wig? Or squeezing into the tub with Taft? Did they giggle when they said “Herbert Hoover”?

No, they did not. They were too busy milking cows and scrubbing floors and doing all the things ladies are supposed to do. They certainly weren’t writing silly stories for the New York Slimes and getting each other all worked up! And over what? That scrawny jug- eared whippersnapper with the funny name!

Mrs. America, you’d best quit your daydreaming and get back to your needlepoint. From now on, do your duty: close your eyes and remember the Alamo!

]]> http://weeklyworldnews.com/opinion/ed-anger/6163/ed-anger-says-quit-dreaming-about-obama/feed/ 1 Ed Anger edanger http://weeklyworldnews.com/politics/4330/obama-riding-horse-to-inauguration/ http://weeklyworldnews.com/politics/4330/obama-riding-horse-to-inauguration/#comments Mon, 15 Dec 2008 15:53:30 +0000 Hideaki Tailor http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/?p=4330 ]]>

CHICAGO, IL – President-Elect Barack Obama’s inauguration travel plans are harkening back to a time earlier than any had predicted.

It was recently reported that Obama and his family would be taking a train from Philadelphia to Washington D.C., stopping along the way to pick up Vice President-elect Joe Biden in Delaware. However, Emmett Beliveau, the executive director of the Presidential Inaugural Committee, has issued a statement to clarify Obama’s plans.

“President-Elect Barack Obama has chosen to ride horseback to his presidential inauguration. His decision honors the rich history and tradition of previous inaugural journeys, such as those of George Washington and Thomas Jefferson. His denial of automotive transport is also a statement against our dependency on foreign oil.

“Millions of citizens have expressed a desire to see Obama sworn in, but sadly, it is not possible to accommodate a number of that magnitude. By riding horseback out in the open through three states, we hope to include as many Americans as possible who wish to congratulate him.”

When asked by a CNN reporter if Michelle Obama and her children would be joining him, Beliveau laughed and shook his head. “Oh no no no, she and the girls will be taking the train. Michelle told him if he goes through with this, she doesn’t care if he’s the leader of the free world or a plumber, she doesn’t want to hear one peep about his sore behind.”

I’m madder than chair-tossing hoops coach Bobby Knight with road rage about a new survey I just read saying that Americans are too rude! Almost 80 percent of the pansies polled said that “lack of respect and courtesy” is a “major” problem in this country. Sixty-one percent of the whiners said that the situation has gotten “worse.” I’ll say it’s gotten worse, but what’s worse is the fact that most Jello-for-backbones bozos aren’t rude enough!

If you’re not rude, you lose — it’s a law of nature. Does Mr. Lion send a calling card asking Mrs. Antelope for her kind permission to make a meal out of her at 1:30 p.m. next Sunday? Does my mother-in-law call ahead to tell me she’s coming to stay for six weeks to make my life more of a living hell than it already is? No! But I don’t tell her she’s going to be sleeping in the garden shed and eating that ham and cheese casserole we’ve had in the fridge since early December, either!

Excuse me if I don’t say “excuse me” but rudeness is what made this country great! George Washington wasn’t only the Father of our Country — he was the original party crasher when he crossed the Delaware to bring more Christmas cheer to the Brits and Hessians.

And I don’t recall Truman phoning Tojo to let him know we were planning a belated Independence Day fireworks display in Hiroshima and Nagasaki. I also don’t think we gave the Indians any formal notice that we were planning to rezone the continent for railroads, mining, indoor stadiums and riding mower outlet stores.

We just took what was ours and we’re better off for it — otherwise I’d be writing this column with a quill pen in Japanese, German or Sioux in some wooden stockade in New England while my wife spins scratchy wool to knit my underwear!

What we need is fewer charm schools and more rude schools and it’s starting with my Anger Aggression Academy that I’m setting up in my basement rec room. Here’s what you’ll learn at the Ed AAA:

How to get to the head of any line no matter how far back you begin. I’ll teach you the secrets to successful shoving and professional pushing, plus how to puke on demand to clear a space if nothing else works.

The secret of getting 34 items through a 9-items-or-less checkout counter.

Save money on napkins and cut your dishwashing time in half with Ed’s exclusive “That’s what your hands and T-shirt are for” dining tips. Plus, did you know it’s considered “polite” to belch and break wind in some countries? Learn how to just let it rip from both ends in the name of “cultural diversity.”

Advanced road rage — with an emphasis on cutting off cripples before they can grab those good parking spaces.

Firearm etiquette — the “Shoot First, Forget About the Stupid Questions” method developed by some of the finest, rudest cops in the nation.

Plus, if you sign up now, you’ll get a free copy of my book, Men are From Caves, The Rest of You Suck Eggs: Seven Secrets of Highly Successful Savages whenever I’m damn good and ready to finish writing it and give it to you.

I’m madder than a schoolteacher with a rotten apple over the big hubbub about kids cheating in school. A government study that just came out says 70 percent – seven of 10 – high school students fessed up that they cheat on tests. And crybaby teachers say the real figure is probably much higher than 70 percent – and climbing every day. Thank heavens, I say!

It’s about time we got back to what made America great. Ever since President Nixon got caught telling some fibs back in the 1970s, Americans have been all tied up in knots trying to tell the truth all the time and never cheating or lying. And it’s killing our country, by jiminey.

Do you think great Americans like Teddy Roosevelt and Gen. George Patton worried about lying every time they talked to the troops before charging into battle? No way, Jose. And you know that famous picture of John Wayne raising the flag at Iwo Jima? That happened a week after the battle was over – it was all just a posed photo session. And what about the glorious old cheating scandals we used to have at West Point and the Air Force Academy? Back in those days, a great scandal like that would be front-page news for weeks at a time.

Nowadays people would be afraid to even mention it. Our biggest problem in this country is that we have too many dag-blamed rules in the first place. A man can’t drive down the street without being pulled over for having his seat belt buckled wrong or not yielding to a school bus when approaching a six-way intersection or something stupid like that.

Back in the Bible days, even God needed only 10 rules. And according to my preacher, some of those commandments, like the one about not casting the first stone, aren’t really that important if you don’t get caught breaking them.

Americans have a long and proud history of cheating. What do you think the Boston Tea Party and the Revolutionary War were all about? Our forefathers were fed up with all the stupid rules the King of England was shoving down their throats. Remember when George Washington said he couldn’t tell a lie about cutting down the cherry tree? Well, that whole cherry-tree story was a big fat lie that George made up to trick folks into thinking he was super honest.

In some countries, you know, cheating is a national sport. I say if only 70 percent of kids are cheating in school, then we need to do something to teach the other 30 percent how to get on the bandwagon. Why not go all out and start cheating classes in our schools – beginning with the first grade, by gum.

Teach the future leaders of this great country how to get around the idiotic rules that seem to be multiplying faster than we can count ‘em. Start with teaching them the right way to fill out those pesky tax forms. I guarantee you that learning how to save a few bucks at tax time will prove a lot more valuable than learning that A plus B equals C in algebra or calculus.

And when we’re all cheating, our great nation will be back on the right track again. I guarantee it.