I’m madder than a leprechaun with a crooked shillelagh about St. Patrick’s Day!

St. Patrick’s Day is the stupidest holiday of the year, because the Irish are the craziest people on earth, next to the Paleostynians and those nutcase A-rabs. The Irish are basically just Mexicans who speak English.

Why are we having a big parade for a bunch of weirdos who pray to the Pope, believe in fairies and blow each other up?

I know my history, and this great country of ours was founded by Pilgrims and Puritans and other Protestants, not weirdo Catholics like the Irish. If it had been, the Statue of Liberty would be the Virgin Mary!

All the Irish do is get drunk and sing sad songs about dropping dead. Once a year, we let them march down the street, all boozed up on their disgusting warm brown beer. Then they stuff themselves with potatoes and cabbage and stink up the place!

Potato-eating, beer-puking Pope-lovers, that’s what they are!

What have the Irish ever done for America? They stuck us with those damn Kennedys, that’s what. Between their Old Man the crooked bootlegger, down to fat Teddy boy, that family is an embarrassment, not to mention a danger to public safety! Ralph Nader fellow should’ve left General Motors alone and gone after the Kennedys. Their cars should have warning labels instead of bumper stickers.

When St. Patrick’s Day rolls around, don’t get tricked by all the booze and the songs, my fellow Americans. It’s all part of an evil Jesuit plot to help the Vatican take over America! So stay away from all those crazy parades or you’ll end up praying to the wrong Jesus!

DETROIT, MI – As the stock market continues to tumble and oil prices jumping nearly 20 dollars a barrel in the last week, GM announces plans for new hybrid to run on renewable resources of Fairy Dust and Unicorn Tears.

Expected in Q3 of 2009, GM says they have been developing the technology for the past 5 years, but have waited to announce the revolutionary automobile until it was closer to becoming a reality.   The yet to be named automobile is known internally as “Codename Twinkle.”

GM CEO Rick Wagoner told reporters at this morning’s press conference, “We’ve been working really closely with the Fairy and Unicorn community.  We’re confident this new automobile will be a relief to consumers being drained at the pump as well as bringing Fairies and Unicorns back into the mainstream automobile market.”

Consumers might remember the short-lived sedan PD-30, short for Pixie Dust, 30 Miles produced by Ford in the early ’90s.  The first Fairy Dust powered hybrid vehicle was a commercial success but quickly pulled from the market under pressure from Big Oil.

This is the first time Unicorn Tears will be utilized in a consumer automobile.  The Teamsters have long been rumored to use a mixture of diesel and Unicorn Tears to fuel their trucks.

Wagoner commented, “Based on mythology, you wouldn’t think that Unicorn’s cry as much as they do.  They have this reputation for prancing on rainbows all the time.  But they are really sensitive, introspective creatures.  They listen to a lot of The Cure and Bright Eyes.”

The timing of the announcement has been noted as extremely strategic, as GM sales were drastically declining in China.

“The Qilin, the Chinese equivalent of the Western unicorn, is revered as a sacred pet of the deities,” said an industry expert. “To drive a car associated with prosperity… Chinese consumers are going to buy them right up!”