A new Pew Research Poll reveals that 19% of American teens are vampires.
In a national  survey of those ages 12-17, conducted on landline and cell phones, the Pew Research Center’s American Life Project found:

* 24% of teens ages 12-17 say they have trouble sleeping at night
* 29% have panic attacks when they are out in the sun
* 18% smell like lavender
* 19% have fangs
* 39% have bedrooms painted black.

The Pew Research Center’s conclusion:  19% of all American teens are vampires.

With the vampire craze at full boil due to the Twilight Saga, True Blood and the Vampire Diaries, many think that this vampire fixation is just a fad or trend.   But it’s not.

More teens today are, in fact, vampires.  Professor Chris Rigaux, Professor of Vampiric Studies at Harvard was not surprised by the findings.  “Vampires have lived among human beings for centuries.  Many vampires become dormant in their adult years, but when they are teens – they are fully evolved.  I think this study falls in line with my research.  More and more vampires are revealing themselves to the public.”

Most parents don’t mind that their teens are vampires.  “Whatever. I was a teen once.  If she wants to suck blood from boys (or girls), that’s up to her.  We used to suck on bongs.  It’s a generational thing,” said Missy Bonderson,41, of Asheville, North Carolina.

“I’m glad to know that I’m not alone,” said Casey Shotz, 15, of Minneapolis.  I know from birth that I was a vampire.  I had my first fang before I had my first tooth.”   Todd Larkin, 16, of Portland, Maine said, “I have a never-ending hunger that can’t be filled, no matter how much mortal food I consume.  I stay up until the sun rises and I hate going outside. Am I vampire? I don’t know, but will you let me suck on your neck?”

Some teens claim to be “super-vamps”.   Isabella Thompson, 14, of Reseda, CA told WWN, “garlic and silver have no effect on me.  I hate going out in the sun, and I hate doing religious things.”   Jessica Cox, 16, of Plano, TX said, “I never feel weak, scared, or drained. I’m really strong. When I see blood, something inside me just comes to life. I love meat, especially rare steak. I have never broken a bone, nor been injured severely at all, apart from some stitches and a cracked fang. “

What should parents do if their teen is a vampire?  “Leave them alone. Don’t go in their room.  Don’t upset them,” said Professor Rigaux.  “The best way for adults to handle this situation is let their teen vampires be teen vampires.”  Asked whether he thought vampires were a threat to the safety of Americans, Rigaux said, “Well, I’m a vampire myself, so I’d say no, we are not a threat at all. But if there’s a blood shortage, look out.”

Considering 1 in 5 teens are vampires, of course the other 4 in 5 are jealous and want to be part of the “in” crowd.  But they won’t ever be real vampires.  You have to be born a vampire.  So they are left with just trying to “look” like vampires.

Here a popular video on how to look like a vampire (for those teens that aren’t):

Are YOU a vampire?

Washington, DC – The nation’s undead community is demanding the right to health insurance—and it is a battle it can win, say experts.

“We can’t issue health insurance to people who are technically not alive,” says one insurance industry spokesman. “But there is a possibility that we can provide undead plans, especially if the insured are nonsmokers.”

However, the government is firmly against the move.

A Capitol Hill insider says when insurance for vampires, werewolves and other undead species was mentioned to President Bush, he said it was “like a stake through his heart,” especially with Democratic members of Congress calling for the establishment of a Department of Undead Affairs.

“Aren’t the undead susceptible to their own weaknesses, like garlic and holy water?” asks one Democratic congresswoman. “Surely they have a right to insurance like everyone else.”

Both presidential candidates have been asked for their opinion on undead health insurance at recent rallies. Senator Obama responded, “I would be more than happy to discuss undead coverage in the future, once we’ve sorted out the living first.”

Senator McCain was less supportive. “When I become President, I am seriously considering putting a spending freeze on everything except defense and the caring of our veterans. Undead insurance is not exactly at the top of my list,” he snickered.

Vampire spokesman Anton Dreisch told Weekly World News: “I believe President Bush and Senator McCain have declared war on vampires and other members of the undead because they don’t think we’re part of their constituency. A number of us are Republicans. It’s not like we died and came back to life with different politics. That would be absurd!”

“Big Washington needs to think really hard about what they’re getting themselves into if we are denied. We literally have all the time in the world to fight for this.”