ANCHORAGE, AK – Sarah Palin has signed on to be a Fox News correspondent.  She claims her lack of credentials will help her connect to the “Real America.”

Sarah Palin, and apparently the executives of Fox News, believe her approachable “down homey” attitude will help her relate to viewers.  The former Governor and two time city council member will be a political commentator and analyst on all the Fox News channels.

Palin said yesterday “What America needs right now isn’t more fancy schmancy theories but a little Common Sense.  People tired of all these egghead yahoos with their ‘Research’ telling them what to do.  I’m not like those university elitists.  I’m a real person.  From the Real America.  Where people know their neighbors and pull themselves up by their bootstraps.

“My lack of credentials is my credentials.  I don’t have any of that fancy book learning that would alienate me from the common man.”

Indeed Palin’s approachable image may be why she has been offered to host episodes of Fox’s “Real American Stories.”  The series which debuts later this year will chronicle the lives of Americans who have overcome adversity.

Sarah Palin has already recorded footage with several families for the series.  For the show she met with nearly a dozen destitute families who were facing hardship. Posing outside of ramshackle homes she talked about the American dream and the evils of socialism to starving children.

After a Cuban family from Florida told their story of hardship and loss Palin asked “But that’s okay ’cause this is America!  With a little hard work and a ‘You Betcha’ attitude you can get out of this mess.”  The Sosa family looked confused for a long moment and then began crying.

Fox News is expected to edit together these pieces to be inspirational testaments to conservative ideology.

WASHINGTON, DC – President Obama will finally give an interview to Fox News.  Both he and the station are preparing for the imminent showdown.

News broke this week that the Obama administration will be reversing its policy towards Fox News.  Previously the administration refused to give the channel interviews, ignored Fox reporters at press conferences, and federally detained Fox reporters whenever the President “had a case of the Mondays.”

The rivalry came to a head Tuesday when White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs and his staff started a food fight with Rupert Murdoch at a five-star restaurant in Washington D.c.  After the incident the White House decided that President Obama would finally give Fox News an interview.

In preparation for the event the President is preparing himself mentally and physically.  Knowing that Fox reporters will try any and every trick to make him look bad he has taken up meditation in the hopes of remaining calm and focused no matter what is said.

To improve his memory, the White House has begun a strict hypnotherapy program to give him exceptional recall for even the most minute of details.  The President has also taken advanced Tai Chi, blindfolded fencing, and challenging two chess grand-masters at once while balancing the education budget.

Fox News is also preparing for the interview.  Sources claim they have already started compiling their list of questions, which is to include “Were you really born in Hawaii?” “Really?” and “Really?”

Further they will ask, “Why do you hate America so much?” and “Will you admit that you’re a socialist?”

Other questions may include:

- “Are you a puppet of the New World Order?”
- “Do you know some people believe you are the Anti-Christ?”
- “Why do you ignore the will of the American people, as seen in Tea Party demonstrations and town hall meetings?”
- “Does the sight of American Values burn you like a cross to a vampire?”
- “Will you ever come clean about being a Muslim?”
- “Do you have a fatwa against the Constitution?”
- “How are we supposed to believe that you are not a Kenyan/socialist/fascist/muslim/anti-christ untill you prove otherwise?”

The interview will take place next week.

I guess the Teleprompter Kid has nothing better to do than get mad that not everybody loves him.

You’d think the President of the United States would be busy fixing (or wrecking) the economy or blowing the moon up or buying car companies or having beers with racists. But you’d be wrong!

When Obama said he wanted to “focus on the real war,” I thought he meant shooting more A-rabs, not whining about Fox News!

I think Obama’s just mad because Fox has higher ratings than he does!

Osama bin Laden is still running around, but the Communist-in-Chief is out to get Bill O’Reilly and Glenn Beck. Last time I checked, the biggest danger those two guys are to the country is they give some people heartburn.

Now look: I’ve said it before that I’m not happy about those guys stealing all my ideas and getting their own tv shows and being millionaires. Especially that no-neck Sean Hannity, who looks like a fire hydrant in a necktie.

But now we’ve got that Zippy the Pinhead guy who answers reporters’ questions, saying Fox isn’t “real” news.

Hell, I could say Obama isn’t a real President – but that would be crazy talk!

I wonder why the Communist in Chief can’t take time out from his disco dancing date nights to have beers in the backyard with a bunch of Fox News guys?

As long as they don’t let Glenn Beck anywhere near the booze, we’ll probably be ok. But I don’t want that guy anywhere near the red button that blows everything up. He might think it’s an M&M and try to eat it or something!

SACRAMENTO, CA – Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has come forward saying he backs health care reform.

Governor of California Schwarzenegger is the most recent of a handful of Republicans to come forward in support of health care reform. While most other Republicans who have crossed the aisle to support the proposal have met with serious criticism from their party, Schwarzenegger said if anyone objects they can “take it outside.”

“My state is facing a budget crisis.  I don’t even get health insurance anymore.  Last week I got sick, no way!  This system does not work!”  Schwarzenegger said this to great applause.

“There are those within my party who would say that what I am doing is wrong.  To them I say: Bring it!  What are you going to do Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell?  Give me a talking to?  I could bench press you!  Bring it on Fox News!  Sean Hannity I will make you cry in front of your mother!  My state is poor, people!  And if you don’t like it, you can take it up with Mr. T-800 and Conan the Destroyer.”  He said this while holding up both of his fists.

Mr. Schwarzenegger’s support of the bill has yet to be formally acknowledged by the Republican powers that be.  Insider sources confirm that they are scared to criticize him.

NEW YORK, NY – Glenn Beck tweeted about appropriating Yom Kippur as a day to pray “for the Republic.”

Fox News anchor Glenn Beck is encouraging people people to observe Yom Kippur with fasting, introspection and “prayer for the Republic.”  On his television program, Beck described how he will be observing the Jewish Day of Atonement.

He will start by going into a “Real World” style confessional Holy of Holies. In this small room will be only a camera, and a copy of the Declaration of Independence.  Producers have allotted an hour and a half for a close up of Beck’s face as he reads the Declaration while sobbing uncontrollably.

Beck will then anoint himself as the High Priest of The Republic for the day.  On his set, Beck plans to get on his knees and pour canola oil on his head while reciting the Pledge of Allegiance.  Duly anointed Beck will then be the High Priest, whose job it is to to cleanse the hearts and minds of America. To anoint America he will ritually burn copies of The New Yorker, Darwin’s Origin of Species, posters for films like Fahrenheit 9/11 and Milk, a map of California, tickets to the Austin’s South by Southwest Festival and a life-size cardboard cutout of Arianna Huffington.

Fox News will cancel all regular programming for the day, for a series of “sermons” delivered throughout the day by leading conservative thinkers.  In the evening, High Priest Beck will lead Fox Viewers in a prayer service.  During the service Beck will have a Passover style plate of food, viewers are expected to prepare and eat along with him as he tells the story.  The food will be 2 fried chicken legs, 3 barbeque ribs, a hot dog, potato salad, and a slice of apple pie.

Beck will then tell of the significance of each piece of food: the chicken legs symbolizing the journey to new lands seeking freedom, the ribs representing the fires our country has been through and how we must each “give of ourselves,” the hot dog a reminder of the idealism of the American dream and how industrialization makes all things possible, potato salad to symbolize our cultural melting pot.  Critics argue that a Irish, German, and English influenced dish that comes out mostly white may not be the best representation of the American Melting Pot, but Fox News has yet to address these concerns.  The Apple Pie represents “how sweet things can be, if we all stay true to our American identity.”

Yom Kippur is the highest of the Jewish Holy Days.  Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu has threatened a second Yom Kippur war against Glenn Beck personally if he doesn’t “knock it off!”

NEW YORK, NY – Fox News stated yesterday that America is not pure since people marry “other species and ethnics.”  Mutants around the country are now up in arms.

On the Fox and Friends morning show Brian Kilmead made the comment that a French study on Alzheimers in marriage did not apply to Americans because “we keep marrying other species and ethnics.”  He went on “See, the problem is the Swedes have pure genes. Because they marry other Swedes…. Finns marry other Finns, so they have a pure society. In America we marry everybody.”

Take a look:

America’s mutant population is furious at the comment.  Spokesman from the Mutant Anti-Defamation League Gary Wannamaker said “We feel Mr. Kilmead’s comments that we take away from the purity of American society is ignorant and offensive.  In many ways, mutants add to the richness of American life.”  Mr. Wannamaker described the work he had done with Habitat for Humanity with his half-spider wife and their 47 children.

America’s favorite mutant, Bat Boy, took to the streets to protest outside the Fox News Headquarters in New York.  Bat Boy, still in town from the July 4th celebrations, was outraged at what he had seen on a television in a store window.  The precocious mutant marched alone in protest outside Fox’s midtown headquarters for hours with a homemade sign.  In time he was joined by Manigator, still wanted in this state for impersonating a doctor, and in town for reasons yet unknown.

When asked what they had to say about the comment Bat Boy screeched especially loudly, pointing angrily at the Fox News headquarters, then bit off a section of his own sign.  Manigator had this to say “Heythereman, ya know, cause, They said mutants is bad, ‘n not pure, an This is AMERICA!  Thank You!?  Land of the braves, who’re they to tell me I gotta wear pants in Times Square when ain’t a bit a…”  That was when he passed out, spilling his 40 of malt liquor.

Fox News’ comments calling for a purification of American society has received some positive feedback.  A fraternal brotherhood based out of the south which wishes to remain anonymous has expressed their support, as have several elderly Germans living in South America.  Glenn Beck is expected to cry about this later today.

I’m madder than a couch potato with a busted remote! It’s bad enough Obama made me get rid of my old TV, when the government switched everybody over to some fancy new system last Friday.

They were supposed to send me a check to cover a new one, but it got lost in the mail. (I guess when the government runs the hospitals like they run the post office and the check-sending-out, they’ll lose my new kidney, too.)

Luckily I bought a new plasmatic TV beforehand. Never let it be said that old Ed isn’t prepared for every eventuality, like all good Americans. Unlike those lazy dolts in New Orleans, I don’t have to loot myself a new TV in an emergency!

I’ve had my new plasmatic TV switched on FOX News ever since Obama got himself elected. But the Teleprompter Kid is on TV so damn much that HIS FACE IS BURNED INTO MY TV SCREEN!

When I turn the damn thing off – which isn’t too often, but still – there’s the Communist-in-Chief’s mug, staring back at me like a ghost!

Dammit, I can’t get away from Obama even if I want to. Like some commie dictator, he’s on my TV 24/7!

Now if I was a Papist, I’d think this was some kind of miracle, like seeing Jesus in a burrito. But I’m a REAL Christian and this looks more like the work of Satan!

If only I didn’t hate Catholics so much, I could get one of their priests to come over and exercise my television. But then they’d make me pray to the Pope or something!

Obama is this close to making me go to hell, my fellow Americans! When will this madness end?

NEW YORK, NY – In an interview on Fox News, former Vice President Dick Cheney admitted that “there was never any evidence Iraq was involved in 9-11.”

This news comes as a complete shock to America and people around the world.  For the past 6 years, Vice President Cheney led the chorus stating it was an irrefutable fact that Iraq was linked to the 9/11 attacks.  The world stands in awe as one of the foundational beliefs of the last decade has been shattered.

Crisis counselors were immediately called into the Fox News headquarters.  Sean Hannity broke down in tears before locking himself in a closet for several hours. Richard Cheney said that with the Iraq war in its 6th year, it was finally a good time for the truth to come out.

Cheney also went on to definitively state that there is no Santa Claus, no Easter Bunny, no Tooth Fairy, and Elmo is “just an annoying piece of felt with a guys hand up its rear.”    Citizens of the world are equally shocked to hear dearly held beliefs are also untrue.  After refuting the Iraq/9-11 connection on Fox News, the former Vice President wishes to go to elementary schools to tell children there is no Santa.  Dozens of elementary and preschools across the country have been added to his public speaking tour.

Detailing the nature of his youth audience speeches, Cheney said he plans on having a Mall Santa on stage that he will punch out and strip of his Santa outfit in front of the children.  “’No magic here, kids!’ I think that will be an eye-opening moment for a lot of children.”  He hopes to end the presentations by taking an Elmo doll off the hand of a puppeteer and putting it in a blender.  “Then the kids can see it’s just felt and crap.”

Requests to book the “Iraq was never connected to 9-11, and also there’s no Santa” speaking tour by Dick Cheney can be made through his website.

GAITHERSBURG, MD – Former astronaut Edgar Mitchell stated at a UFO conference that extraterrestrial life exists and the government is actively covering it up.

Mitchell is a former NASA astronaut who was part of the 1971 Apollo 14 moon mission. He is credited with the longest moonwalk in history for his nine-hour walk in the Fra Mauro Highlands region of the moon. Having always had an interest in the paranormal, Mitchell even conducted ESP experiments during his Apollo 14 mission.

Since his retirement, Mitchell has been very vocal about his belief in extraterrestrials, interviewing on Dateline NBC, Fox News and Larry King Live.

Mitchell spoke at the fifth annual X-Conference, an event that brings together a group of speakers to discuss “the governmental, political and media aspects of 60+ years of extraterrestrial engagement and societal denial – exopolitics”. Other speakers that attended included Coast to Coast AM radio show host George Noory and famous author and archaeologist Graham Hancock.

Mitchell explained that, having grown up in Roswell, New Mexico, witnesses “didn’t want to go to the grave with their story. They wanted to tell somebody reliable. And being a local boy and having been to the moon, they considered me reliable enough to whisper in my ear their particular story.”

After these admissions, Mitchell used his highly-regarded status to speak confidentially with a Pentagon admiral, who confirmed the UFO crash at Roswell. He claims he has since spoken to  government officials from three different countries who say they have had contact with aliens. He is now calling for NASA and the government to stop hiding evidence of alien contact and start being honest with the American public.

A NASA spokesperson responded: “NASA does not track UFOs. NASA is not involved in any sort of cover-up about alien life on this planet or anywhere else – period.”

NEW YORK, NY – Fox News commentator Glenn Beck is taking time out from his various news shows to do comedy.

For six weeks in Denver, Glenn Beck will mix observational humor with political opinion, all with this trademark soothsaying of Armageddon and emotional instability.

Beck, who has no history with comedy whatsoever, describes his coming performances as a mix of Thomas Paine’s Common Sense with “a poor man’s Seinfeld.”

A publicity clip of Beck trying out his material in a New York nightclub includes the following excerpt.

“Did you ever notice how the Obama administration is steering us directly towards the coming apocalypse? [Some laughter] I said, did you ever notice?!  I’m asking you a question, people!  The end of times are neigh and we’re being walked right to it by a secret Muslim who has never said he’s NOT the Antichrist, and you don’t even care!! [Audible sobbing] But I care.  I care for my country… So.  Much.  (Loud sigh) I just love my country too much.”

During the four-minute clip, Beck cries 3 times and throws a chair at someone towards the end.  He will be opening at Chuckleheads in Denver on June 1st.