SPARTANBURG, SC – A day after wishing Elvis Presley “Happy Birthday” on the anniverary of his death, Michele Bachmann invited MJ to Washington.

Michelle Bachmann (R-MN) is on a roll.  She made a gaffe yesterday and wished Elvis Presley a “Happy Birthday” on the 34th anniversary of his death, and today she tried to outdo herself.

“Some people think that I don’t know much about music.  But, I not only love the two major styles of music, country and classical, but I am also very much into the music the kids are listening to today.  In fact, I think musicians can help heal the world.  That’s why I am inviting Michael Jackson to join me in Washington DC in September, so we can all come together and… change the world!”

Bachmann’s aides tried to tell her that Michael Jackson died in 2009, but the Congresswoman was on a roll.  “I’ve loved Michael Jackson since I was a little girl.  His hit “Superstition” is one of my favorite songs of all times and when he plays the harmonica, it sends shivers down my leg.  I’m just said that he’s blind.”

Bachmann then went on to talk about gay marriage:  “Gay marriage is fine with me as long as you are not a homosexual.  Homosexuals are sinners.  Boys should not be having sex with boys and girls should not be having sex with girls.  God said that.  Not me.”

The Spartanburg crowd seemed stunned by Bachmann’s speech.

“If your gay and you want to get married – go ahead.  But to me ‘gay’ means ‘happy’ – so being happy is a good reason to get married.”

Bachmann is becoming famous for redefining words.  On Fox News Sunday, she told Chris Wallace that she and her husband think the word “submissive” means “respectful”.  She also thought that the word “bigot” means “patriotic” and she defined the word “sex” to mean “get it over as quickly as possible.”

Bachmann is currently in third place in the latest poll for the Republican nomination.  She is excited to meet Michael Jackson in September and has chosen as her campaign theme song, “Man In The Mirror.”

“That’s what I am.  A man in a mirror,”  Bachmann told the crowd.

NEW YORK – There’s speculation that George Soros placed heavy bets against the U.S.  causing the market crash.

Rumors are swirling that George Soros, 80, reportedly made a bet of almost $1billion at odds of 100/1 last month that the U.S. would lose its AAA credit rating.

It appears that Soros, famously known as ‘the man who broke the Bank of England’, may now have decided to try to break the U.S. stock market.

Questions are being asked of whether Soros had inside information before placing the $850million bet in the futures market.

There have been persistent rumors for the last two decades that Soros has manipulated currencies to increase his staggering wealth.

He made more than $1billion on currency speculation when the British pound left the Exchange Rate Mechanism on Black Wednesday in 1992.

LONDON – Jonnie Marbles, the man who attacked Rupert Murdoch, revealed he is an American spy.

Jonnie Marbles was beaten by Rupert Murdoch’s wife, Wendi Deng, at the hearing held in front of British MPs.

Marbles was then rolled out of the hearing room and put into a sack after he smashed a marble cheesecake into Rupert Murdoch’s face.  Wendi Deng rushed out of the hearing room and continued to beat Marbles senseless.  Deng also smashed a pumpkin pie into Marbles face.

Marbles was taken to Scotland Yard where he was grilled by detectives for over an hour.  He talked about his deep love for Rupert Murdoch and that he merely wanted to give Murdoch some pie.  “I slipped and lost my balance.  His face was in the wrong place and he got hit with the pie.  I never wanted that to happen.  I love Rupert.  I really love him.”

WWN, however, can confirm that Eric Holder had hired Marbles, a popular British comedian (and expert pie thrower), to infiltrate the hearing and attack Murdoch.  A CIA insider told WWN, “The pie was a distraction.  What Marbles actually did was implant a brain chip into Murdoch’s skull. The chip will be controlled by the White House.”

When Marbles was taken out of the interrogation room and into a holding cell – Wendi Deng came bursting into the room and pummeled him again.  “She was like one of Charlie’s Angels.  She was kicking and punching like a pro.  She’s got a  bright future in the UFC,” said Scotland Yard detective, Ian Frum.

Wendi Deng has challenged Marbles to a cage match next month.

The CIA is unlikely to let Marbles take part in the event, though he will be baking cheesecakes for the agents at next month’s CIA picnic.

LONDON – Rupert Murdoch told British authorities that he was selling ALL his media properties – including Fox News.

Sitting before a panel of British MPs, Rupert Murdoch told the world that he is selling all his media properties and “getting out of the media business.”   The phone-hacking scandal has brought down one of the biggest media moguls in history.

Prior to today, the phone hacking scandal caused the closure of one of the country’s most famous newspapers, prompted 10 arrests so far and led to calls for the resignation of the Prime Minister reaches a critical juncture today with a moment of high drama to rival anything that the British media has produced before, either in real life or fiction.

The founder and the appointed heir to the world’s most famous media empire, Rupert Murdoch and James Murdoch, took center stage in the next act of the hacking saga.

Rupert and James testified before a panel of MPs and face questions that the company over which they preside was involved in phone hacking on an “industrial scale”, made illegal payments to police officers and sought to corrupt the democratic process by “owning” politicians. In their answers, for which they have been carefully drilled by a team of lawyers and media trainers, the pair will attempt to rescue a tarnished reputation and distance themselves from serious criminal charges.

Murdoch told the MPs – and they world – that he plans on going into “the environmental business” and will join Bill Gates in working to spread his wealth to charities around the globe.

LONDON -  Investigators revealed that Rupert Murdoch’s News of The World has been hacking Obama’s blackberry.

The News of the World phone hacking scandal has reached the United States.

President Obama has been hacked for two years!

The President was forced to give up his blackberry when he was inaugurated, but he received a new blackberry that only a very small group of people can access.  That phone has been hacked by News of the World.

Rupert Murdoch is being called in front of Congress to talk about the phone hacking scandal and the information he has obtained from President Barack Obama’s cellphone, information that could threaten national security.

The CIA will be interrogating Murdoch, and his son, James,  today and they have not ruled out waterboarding either of them.  “Rupert Murdoch has not been forthcoming with details about the hacking into President Obama’s cellphone.   We need to know what he and his global news operation know about secure American information,” a spokesperson for the CIA told WWN.

James Murdoch, shown below, will also be waterboarded.

“This is precisely the situation that waterboarding was designed for,” said Enhanced Interrogation Specialist, Tom Hillstrom.  “If Murdoch doesn’t talk, we must make him and find out what he knows about Obama and his plans for America.”

Democrats in Congress didn’t think waterboarded was “strong enough” for Murdoch.  “He should be hung!” said one senior Democrat in the Senate.

There are rumors that President Obama will be in the room when Rupert Murdoch and his son are waterboarded.

Murdoch owns Fox News and the White House has long suspected that the network has “had it out” for President Obama and his administration.  “This is the evidence we need to shut down Fox News for good,” said Jay Carney, the White House Press Secretary.

n a statement issued on Tuesday, Senate Commerce Committee Chairman Jay Rockefellerm D-W.Va., encouraged all U.S. agencies to investigate how frequently the Murdoch organiziation had their privacy breached by News of the World.

“The reported hacking by News Corporation newspapers against a range of  individuals—including children, the disabled and the dead —is offensive and a serious breach of journalistic ethics,” Rockefeller said.

Murdoch’s London-based newspaper News of the World closed on Sunday after numerous reports surfaced that employees of the paper had allegedly hacked the phones and voice mails of a murdered British teenager and of families of soldiers killed in action. Another report alleged that staffers contacted a New York City police officer about hacking 9/11 victims’ phones. The ongoing scandal has already led to a handful of arrests.

Murdoch has also hacked into the Weekly World News.  Frank Lake of WWN will be testifying before Congress tomorrow.

“I am concerned that the admitted phone hacking in London by the News Corp. may have extended to 9/11 victims or other Americans,” Rockefeller said. “If they did, the consequences will be severe.”

This was the final issue of News of the World:

HOLLYWOOD – The women in the Anthony Weiner text scandal have signed with Bravo for a reality show.

Bravo announced today that they have signed the 6 women at the center of the Anthony Weiner scandal to a 12 episode reality show entitled – Weiner House.  The show will have all six women, plus other women close to Weiner,  living in the same luxury condominium in the Georgetown section of Washington.

The Weiner Women will be vying to meet Congressman Weiner in person – as they also meet and tweet other famous Washington celebrities.  “It’s Big Brother meets The Real Housewives of DC meets The Real World meets Debbie Does DC,” said Jill Markenson of Bravo.

Rep. Anthony Weiner has declined to be in the show.  But if, and when he resigns, he said he will appear in the show only if he receives at least $1 million per episode.  Bravo agreed to that fee, if and only if, Weiner includes one junk shot in every episode.  Deal.

Kirsten Powers, a Fox News Contributor and former Weiner girlfriend, has agreed to be in the Weiner House.

Living in Kirsten’s room will be porn star, Ginger Lee – a big Weiner fan.

Also in negotiations to be in Weiner House are Hillary Clinton and Weiner’s wife, Huma Abedin.

Advertisers are already lining up for the show – Jockey underwear, Cialis, Extenze, Little Caesars and YFrog have all signed on.

Weiner will not have sexual relations with any  of the women on the show – but he will tweet them round the clock.  Expect to see a lot of Weiner boxer brief close-ups – from all different angles.

WASHINGTON, DC – Sarah Palin told Chris Wallace on Fox News Sunday that Paul Revere discovered America in 1915.

The former Alaska governor, originally told reporters in New England that Revere “warned the British that they weren’t going to be taking away our arms by ringing those bells and making sure as he’s riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be secure and we were going to be free.”

Many Americans were quick to point out that Paul Revere took his “midnight ride” to warn the colonists that “the British are coming”, he was not warning the British that “the British are coming.”

 On Fox News Sunday with Chris Wallace, Palin corrected herself.

“You know what? I did mess up about Paul Revere. I have since skimmed some history books and I learned that Paul Revere actually was the one who landed on Ellis Island and discovered America in 1915 – right after Neil Armstrong landed on the moon.”

Even Paul Revere was confused by Palin’s remarks:

Palin went on to say that it was Betsy Ross who convinced Paul Revere to make apple pie for the Indians he was about to kill with his machine guns.  She said she believes that Paul Revere is our least known, but greatest, U.S. President.

“I know my American history,” she said.

When Chris Wallace pointed out her many historical errors, Palin said.  “You know, Chris, if you put lipstick on a duck, it quacks.”

Wallace told Palin that Paul Revere was never President of the United States.

“Oh, Chris, there you go again, believing the propaganda put forth by this evil Obama administration.  They just want to erase all of the good American history we all learned in kindergarten. But I won’t let them forget about Paul Revere or Ghandi.  Two of our greatest Americans.”

When asked if she was going to run for President, Palin told Wallace, “That depends if George Bush runs again.  If he doesn’t, I will be certainly be the candidate, if he does, then I will have to wait until 2014 when we have our next election.”

The Sarah Palin bus tour continues today. She’s heading to Toronto, Canada to spend time with “real Americans.”

NEW YORK – Glenn Beck is out at Fox News and his replacement is:  Ed Anger!

Glenn Beck will end his daily Fox News Channel program later this year.   Soon after, Fox News announced that they have hired WWN’s own, Ed Anger to replace him.

Beck’s departure was announced in a statement on Wednesday by Fox  Mr. Beck’s company, Mercury Radio Arts and Weekly World News.

As expected, a senior Fox News executive, Joel Cheatwood, will join Mr. Beck at Mercury Radio Arts starting later this month.  WWN’s own, Frank Lake, will replace Cheatwood at Fox and will be producing the show with Ed Anger himself.

Mr. Beck’s contract with Fox ends in December and Ed Anger’s contract begins that same month.

The statement was briefly posted on The Blaze, a Web site owned by Mr. Beck, but it was then taken down. Representatives for Fox and Mr. Beck did not immediately explain why.   Weekly World News can confirm that Beck is stepping down to let Anger take over.

“There are only a few people on the planet, I would give up my slot on Fox News for,” said Beck.  “I’ve modeled my whole career on Ed Anger and it gives me great pleasure to know that he will be taking over for me at Fox, and I know he will do a fantastic job.”

Roger Ailes had this to say about Ed Anger:  “We want outspoken, strong voices on Fox and there is nobody out there with a more original, more hard-hitting voice than Ed Anger, who will be taking over the 5 pm slot, come December.”

Beck is a hugely popular figure on Fox News, averaging 2.2 million viewers each weekday, though his ratings have fallen somewhat in the last year. He is beloved by his fans for speaking out against what he sees as threats from progressives. His opponents — and there are many — condemn him for his conspiratorial views and apocalyptic predictions.

Ed Anger is equally beloved and Fox is already predicting average viewership of 3 million each day – which will rival Bill O’Reilly’s show.

In the statement on Wednesday, Mr. Beck said he would be starting a “new phase” of a partnership with Roger Ailes, the chairman of Fox News and Ed Anger. “I truly believe that America owes a lot to Ed Anger and Fox News,” he said.

Stay tuned to WWN for the latest updates to this breaking story!!

NEW YORK -  After leaving MSNBC tonight, Keith Olbermann signed with Fox News.

Keith Olbermann, who last November was suspended indefinitely without pay from MSNBC for donating to three Democratic candidates during the past election cycle but then was rehired – quit MSNBC tonight.

Olbermann is out at MSNBC!

“We didn’t like Keith made political contributions, but then he apologized and we hired him back and then we decided we should have fired him instead of suspending him and we should never have rehired him, but tonight he quit, even though we really fired him, so we’re all happy,” MSNBC president Phil Griffin said in a statement.

As soon as Roger Ailes, the head honcho of Fox News heard that Olbermann quit, he offered Keith a spot in the nightly lineup.  Olbermann, who said the money Ailes offered was three times what MSNBC was paying him, quickly accepted the deal.

In a statement Friday, Olbermann said, “I don’t like being a popular TV host on a channel that doesn’t love me.  I went over to Fox and Roger Ailes said that he loved me and I then I went back to MSNBC and told them that if they wanted to keep me they had to tell me they loved me even more and that they always loved me, but they didn’t say anything, not even an ‘it’s not you, it’s me.’  So, I quit and went over to Roger Ailes who gave me a big bear hug.  He loves me, he really loves me.”

Olbermann went on to say,  “I am thrilled to be joining the team at Fox News.  Mr. Ailes has assured me that I will continue to do my program in the same format, and with the same viewpoint, that I had at MSNBC.  I will continue to do the Worst Person in The World.  And my first Worst Person in The World on my new Fox News show will be MSNBC president, Phil Griffin.”

Olbermann will be replacing Greta Van Susteren in the 10 pm. slot.

Rachael Maddow went on the air to urge Olbermann to reconsider and return once again to MSNBC, but Olbermann said that he’d rather go to duck hunting with Dick Cheney than return to MSNBC.”

Fox News stars – Bill O’Reilly and Glenn Beck – were livid when they learned of Olbermann’s hiring.  “They have to run everything by me on this network.  Everything!”  O’Reilly said.   Ailes said he likes conflict between his hosts, “it keeps them on their toes.”

So there you have it… Keith Olbermann is joining Fox News, starting in four months.

Don’t miss it!!

NEW CANAAN, CT – Glenn Beck announced yesterday that he will be taking his controversial talk-show to China – permanently!

According to inside sources, Chinese media giant CCTV offered Glenn Beck a $3 billion dollar/year contract to move his show to China.

“We believe the Chinese people will embrace Beck’s love of government and respect for authority,” said Jin Yao, VP of Social Relations at CCTV. “He is an expert fearmonger and a skilled propagandist. The People’s Republic of China can only benefit from his scare tactics and fanaticism.”

Representatives from Glenn Beck’s television show, The Glenn Beck Program, say that the deal has already been finalized, and that Beck and his family have already purchased a home in Beijing.

“Glenn Beck is excited for the move,” said Alexandra Dumascis, Beck’s publicist. “He can’t wait to take his political extremism overseas and help the people of China become patriotic, red-blooded Communists.”

“He’s already brushing up on his Mandarin!” she added.

However, not everyone at Fox News shares in Beck’s excitement.

“Glenn Beck is a hypocrite,” said Fox personality Sean Hannity. “He’s violating all of his principles by selling out to China. How can he call himself an American?”

Others were less subtle.

“Glenn Beck is a Commie!” said Bill O’Reilly. “I always knew he’d betray his country sooner or later. All it took was the right amount of cash.”

“Glenn Beck, you are a disgrace to America!” added O’Reilly.

According to police reports, thousands of fans from across the country have taken to the streets in protest.

“We want to let Glenn Beck know that he’s a disgrace to American conservatism!” said Wendell Yastrimski, who organized a protest outside of Beck’s Connecticut home. “He’s a sell out and he should be ashamed of himself!”

Glen Beck refused to comment to major media outlets about his decision to defect. However, he did make a private call to the Weekly World News office to explain his motives.

“$3 billion dollars is a lot of money,” said Beck. “You’d have to be a complete idiot to turn down that much dough. The American people can complain all they want, but the truth is: I’d sell my soul to the devil for $3 billion bucks!”