NEW YORK, NY – The Statue of Liberty is opening to visitors again on July 4th.  Police are on high alert for America’s favorite mutant, Bat Boy.

For the first time in almost a decade The Statue of Liberty will open to visitors again this weekend in celebration of July 4th.  People will be able to climb the stairs to see New York from her crown.  Police officials fear a repeat of last year when Bat Boy climbed to the torch to watch the fireworks display.

Bat Boy made headlines last year by climbing the landmark which was closed and declared “Federally Off Limits.”  Coast Guard officials sent to get him down had to wait until the fireworks displays had ended, but by then he had left.

“We know he doesn’t mean any harm” said Nora Fishbein of the Parks and National Landmarks Department.  “We just don’t want anyone to get hurt.”

Mayor Michael Bloomberg has extended to Bat Boy an invitation to watch the fireworks with him from the balcony of a skyscraper in the financial district.  Bloomberg wishes to curry the support of New York’s mutant community by being seen with Bat Boy, after New York Sanitation workers tried to exterminate a family of half-spider people who were living legally in a Bronx basement apartment.  Whether Mayor Bloomberg’s message has reached the elusive mutant is unknown.

Police will remain on high alert this July 4th weekend, looking out for any security risks on Liberty Island.  If Bat Boy appears and tries to observe the fireworks from a perch on the statue, they have prepared a 247 foot long stick with a hook on the end of it to try and dislodge him.

I’m madder than a wet firecracker! Tomorrow is Independence Day, the 4th of July, but our great nation is going down the toilet. Or maybe I should say: getting tossed on the compost heap!

America is being recycled into a non-toxic, biodegradable version of its once great self! The red, white and blue is getting turned green.

Goody-two-shoes want to ban 4th of July fireworks and cookouts cuz they cause pollution. Well, a little pollution is good for you – builds up your lungpower and kills off pesky germs.

But that’s the point: the hippies want to make America weaker, not stronger. They want us all wearing adult diapers — paid for by us taxpayers, of course! That’s why I’m renaming our national holiday “In Depends” Day!

It’s tempting just to give up and go along with it. If everybody else is gonna suck on the government teat from cradle to grave, why not you and me?

Well, because that’s not the American way!

Can you imagine George Washington demanding free dentures from the government? Or Ben Franklin wanting a grant to develop his electric kite? Or Dolley Madison getting workers’ compensation for pricking her finger? The Founding Fathers didn’t write about “life, liberty and the pursuit of free stuff”!

Tomorrow I want you all to go to one of the thousand tea parties going on across this great nation. Instead of a white flag of surrender, stick a Depends diaper on a stick as a symbol of your outrage about where this country is going.

Rise up, my fellow Americans. Raise your nappy high in defiance tomorrow and send the White House a message they won’t soon forget!

WASHINGTON, DC – Alien warriors had planned to attack Earth this Saturday, but the invasion has been averted – thanks to President Obama’s secret negotiations!

“From all indications, the invasion is off,” said a high-ranking administration official.

“The talks are continuing, but for now we believe the danger is over.”

Weekly World news first reported that an invasion was planned after scientists intercepted and translated a radio transmission from space in 2003.

The brief message was decoded by an international team of scientists led by Dr. Gerhard Schultz, who said the transmission was intended for alien scouts already involved in pre-strike activities on Earth.

“Make no mistake about it – aliens from a distant planet have served mankind with a declaration of war,” Dr. Schultz said in 2003. “They are already on their way.”

Dr. Schultz said the message indicated that the aliens would invade Earth on July 4, 2009. Other scientists interpreted the message to say the intruders would be here as early as this spring.

U.S. officials have worked feverishly to find a way to avert the attack – going so far as to open negotiations with an envoy from the distant planet.

Weekly World News reported in 2007 that former President George W. Bush had met several times with an alien from an unknown world. Sources subsequently revealed that the peace-loving alien was serving as a go-between for Bush and the invaders.

The same alien, who backed Obama in the elections, later helped him negotiate with the attackers – and even took the newly elected President on a top-secret ride in a spaceship to meet their leader.

“Without the efforts of the friendly alien, we would be bracing for a devastating attack,” said the White House aide. It is believe the aliens were going to use the chaos and distraction of July 4th fireworks to descend quickly into our atmosphere.

But Earth’s good fortune may doom another planet in a remote area of the Milky Way.

“These alien warriors are no saints,” the aide said. “They have been traveling for many years to get here and they aren’t about to just turn around and go home without attacking somebody.

“Unfortunately, another poor planet in another solar system is likely to suffer the wrath of these intergalactic death merchants.”

I can’t believe it: Obama just invited a bunch of crazy foreigners to a Fourth of July party!

Our embassies throw Independence Day parties around the world, so this year, the Communist-in-Chief is inviting local bigwigs to come, too.
That means guys who work for President Achmed Dirtybad of Iran will get to set foot on our property!

That’s pretty funny, because Achmed Dirtybad first became famous when he and his friends took over our embassy in Iran back in the 1970s!

I knew Obama wanted to relive the Carter Presidency, but this is ridiculous. It’s bad enough he wants us to save electricity and drive ugly little cars and put up with crazy inflation like Jimmy did – but now the Teleprompter Kid wants to relive the 1970s in this whole new way! Next thing you know, Obama will be yelling “Kiss my grits” and wearing platform shoes!

I can see it now: a bunch of Iranian kooks asking for pig-free hotdogs at the cookout, or trying to barbeque a goat. I bet they bring their own fireworks, too – nuclear ones! And maybe they’ll burn an effigy of Uncle Sam, like they do every weekend anyway.

How can Iranian big shots celebrate something called “Independence Day” when they’re the same guys who lock up ladies who don’t wear bags on their heads? (Although I like their idea of not letting women drive – I guess they’ve met my mother-in-law.)

All in all, poor old Ed doesn’t feel much like celebrating this Fourth of July. Mark my words: they’ll ban fireworks and barbecues next because they cause pollution. Don’t laugh – that’s the first thing Hitler did when he took over. You can look it up!