WASHINGTON – The White House reportedly is set to announce a redesign of the American flag.

Reports from sources close to the White House say that President Obama felt that the American flag, “like the Constitution,” was old and needed updating.

Here’s what the new flag will look like:

The administration is supposedly ordering all government buildings to begin displaying the flag on August 4th, 2012.  That’s the President’s 51st birthday.

“The old flag has become a negative symbol around the world and many people in other countries are often burning it in protest,” said an aide close to White House insiders.  ”The new flag will be a symbol of hope and change for the world and the White House believes that there will be far fewer flag burnings across the globe with the new flag.”

The Administration feels that President Obama’s face immediately makes a person think of the best parts of America:  equality, fairness and respect.  “President Obama’s face is more unifying than 50 stars,” an aide to a Democratic operative said.  “Out of many, one.”

The President is reportedly planning on making a speech at the official unveiling of the flag.  In the speech, he intends to apologize to the world for the negative symbol that the flag has become.  ”Our new flag is one that will bring the world together, in harmony, peace and love,” a senior aide reportedly told WWN.

The flag is already being flown outside the Capitol Building:

There are some houses in Lake County, Florida that got an “advanced copy” of the flag – and are proudly flying it.

But tempers are flaring over the new version of the American flag.  A veterans group says the flag is an outrage. Korean war veteran Don Van Beck said his blood was boiling.

MIAMI FL – Everyone in Miami is in on the porn game and wants to be a star.

Since the beginning of the 1980s, Miami has been seen by many as a dirty, seedy, and unsafe city to inhabit. Drug trafficking reached an all time high in the late 1980s, bringing crime and gruesome violence along with it. Popular culture has depicted this debauchery in movies like Scarface and the hit 1980s TV show Miami Vice. The crime and violence soon came under control in the early 1990s, largely due to the devastation caused by hurricane Andrew.

Now Miami is seeing new kids on the block, taking the place of the once omnipresent drug cartels. Pornography is now the new cash crop in south Florida. Its popularity has grown so much at the tip of the sunshine state, that it is starting to rival the industry of its sister porn city of Los Angeles. Many Miami porn executives even argue that it has surpassed LA, claiming that to film pornography in LA is “so passé”.

Recent 2010 census surveys and tax documentation has uncovered that most everyone living in Miami is now somehow affiliated with the porn industry. School teachers, librarians, doctors, pizza delivery boys and even 7-11 attendants are involved in the industry. Don’t you always wonder how they are able to film these things in libraries, doctor’s offices and the occasional convenience store? It’s because everyone is in on it. They all want a piece of the pie.

Recently, even the Miami-Dade Park & Recreation Department got in on the action. Reality Kings, a Miami based pornography company known for their guerilla style tactics, recently filmed Island Adventures on Monument Island, home of the 110-foot obelisk honoring Florida pioneer Henry Flagler. The movie was posted to their website earlier this month and credited the posting to one “Captain Stabbin.”

Since word of this unsavory affair became public, it has given rise to an investigation to see if any laws were broken by Reality Kings during the filming. Attorneys for the company claim that no laws were broken, as no one from the public was on the island at the time of filming.

“This is not an uninhabited island miles off the coast,” Assistant City Manager Hilda Fernandez rebutted, “It’s in the middle of a very busy bay. You can’t go filming pornos in public parks.”

Currently the investigation has revealed that a junior parks official sanctioned the filming stating, “I thought that it was pretty smart to choose to film the scene in front of the obelisk, being that it is phallic and all, so creative!” Since discovery of the poor judgment call, the junior staffer has been relieved of his position. The incident is still under investigation to determine if Reality Kings will be charged with any wrong dong doing.

A massive sinkhole opened up in a residential neighborhood in Windermere, Florida that was 100 feet across and nearly 50 feet deep.

Luckily, no one was hurt in the freak accident, though the massive hole displaced a family of six, which had to be evacuated with aid of the fire department.

The cause of the sinkhole is unknown, but officials believe the dry weather conditions experienced in parts of the south could have contributed to the hole.

The hole ends a mere three feet from the family’s two-story house, WESH reported.

One of the homeowners discovered the pit in their backyard around 7am this morning when they let the dog out.

 When the Orange County Fire Department arrived, they told the family to gather as many personal belongings as they could and evacuate.

The house was deemed unsafe to live in.

BRICK, N.J. – Beach Front Inc., a tanning bed company, has launched a line of child-friendly tanning beds called Junior Fun Tan.

The smaller-scale, slightly lower wattage beds will feature “dancing, fun-colored light bulbs synced up to popular children’s music,” according to the press release.

Shirley McInnis, public relations manager at Beach Front, believes the tanning bed market has been calling for kid-sized beds for some time. “You’d be surprised how many requests we’ve had for kids’ beds. They see mommy and daddy tan, and little Bobby and Susie want to be tan too. It’s their right as citizens to look nice and golden through the winter without having to go to Florida. Not everyone has a condo in Naples. This is an affordable option for families.”

Beach Front announced their latest line in wake of the tanning bed scandal involving a mother and her sunburned daughter.

“Tanning is not illegal,” explained McInnis. “A mother shouldn’t go to jail so that her daughter can be tan. Now, with the Junior Fun Tan beds, our young people can tan at home, in peace and away from the media.”

The 28-lamp beds will start at $1,500.

NEW YORK – Tim Tebow is hitting the high seas with Carnival Cruises for a faith-based football cruise this May.

At a press conference today, Doug Pavey, head of Carnival’s press relations, and New York Jet Tim Tebow took the stage at the Manhattan Cruise Terminal to announce the “Tim Tebow Faith ‘n’ Football Cruise.”

The trip will make its maiden voyage on the Carnival Miracle. Tebow made it clear that he was an integral part of planning. “We’ll be leaving from my new city and stopping at some of my favorite places. We’ll even pass by my hometown of Ponte Vedra Beach, Florida. Then down to Orlando and the Bahamas. I’m picking the menus for dinner every night, so they’ll be lots of gulf shrimp and my mother’s Florida orange pie.”

Though a detailed itinerary has yet to be made public, Tebow and Carnival promise daily morning sermons led by the Jets quarterback, as well as afternoon NFL reels and discussions.

The cruise will depart from New York on May 22^nd and return on May 30^th. Ports of call include Port Canaveral (Orlando), Nassau (Bahamas) and Freeport (Bahamas).

PANAMA CITY, FL – A cloud tsunami hit Panama City Beach, causing considerable damage.

Helicopter pilot Mike Schaeffer was wrapping up a tour when he spotted this incredible weather phenomenon along the coast of Panama City Beach, Fl. on Sunday.

As soon as he landed, he alerted Panhandle Helicopter  owner JR Hott of the “cloud form waves,” and together they went up for a better view. They moved quickly knowing that it is only in very specific weather conditions that this beautiful effect occurs.

While the online community has dubbed this a “cloud tsunami,” Hott disagrees with the popular moniker:

I wouldn’t call it a “cloud tsunami.” The term tsunami implies a natural disaster. The event, while it can form quickly, moves gently and slowly. It isn’t something that happens with more than a gentle breeze.

While the images appear non-threatening and peaceful, as an experienced pilot, Hott has been trained to treat all fog and clouds as if they are solid objects. He and Schaeffer were very careful approaching in the air to get a better view. Fortunately, because of the location of the condos, they were able to approach the cloud waves from the side and did not place themselves in the direct path of the fog.

Natalie Jimenez
MSNBC

Newt Gingrich plans to colonize the moon in two years and it make it the 51st State, if Newt becomes President. 

Gingrich laid out this plans during a speech in the city of Cocoa, on Florida’s Space Coast. He also said that near-Earth space would be bustling with commercial activity by 2015, and that America would possess a next-generation propulsion system by then, allowing the nation to start daily flights to Mars.

Gingrich said that he wants to make the Moon our 51st State and he wants to go to the moon, personally, and plant an American flag on the moon.

“I think we are the only country in the world that can develop the Moon and make it viable.  I can see something like the Mall of America on the moon,” Gingrich reportedly told reporters.

“By the end of my second year in office, we will have the first permanent base on the moon, and it will be American and the moon will have an NFL franchise,” Gingrich reportedly said.

The former Speaker of the House made no apologies for the boldness of his ambitions, which depend primarily on the emergence of a vibrant commercial spaceflight industry.

He said the U.S space program needs a kick in the pants like the one President John F. Kennedy gave it in 1961, when he promised to put a man on the moon by the end of the decade.

“I am sick of being told we have to be timid, and I am sick of being told we have to be limited to technologies that are 50 years old,” Gingrich told a standing-room-only crowd of cheering supporters.

With the retirement of NASA’s space shuttle program last July, the U.S. is now reliant on Russia to get its astronauts to and from the International Space Station, and will be until 2017 or so, when private American vehicles may start coming online.

Meanwhile, China is ramping up its space program.

“If the Chinese try to come to the moon, we will stop them.  The moon belong to the U.S.  We were there first,” Gingrich reportedly said.

Mitt Romney said that he thinks it’s a great idea for Gingrich to go to the moon.  ”I think we should send him there right away.  The moon needs him,”  Romney reportedly said.

VATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict XVI announced that he will attend the Denver Broncos playoff game against the New England Patriots.  

In an announcement that shocked Christians around the world, the Pope reportedly will travel to Foxborough, MA on Saturday to watch Tim Tebow play football.  A WWN source inside the Vatican said, “The Pope feels that Tim Tebow may be an angel sent to this earth and he wants to meet him in person  - and bless him.”

This will be the first time in the history of the Catholic Church that a sitting Pope will attend a major U.S. sporting event.  ”Pope Benedict feels that  humans are living through a very difficult time and that the Lord will send signs of peace, love and understanding to help us through these times.  The Pope believes that Tim Tebow may be a light sent from God, here to help heal the world.”

The New England  Patriots will not be intimidated by the Pope’s presence at the game.  ”Look, it’s a football game,” a source close to Patriots coach Bill Belichick said.  ”They have Tebow and the  Pope.  We have Tom Brady.   And it’s the playoffs… I think our chances are better in the game.”

Not so fast, Bill.  ”The Pope does not plan to attend his first American football game and watch the team he is rooting for lose,” said an American Cardinal that will be traveling with the Pope.  ”The Pope is predicting a 42-0 victory for the Denver Broncos.  He’s guaranteeing it.”

Tim Tebow has been called the “Mile High Messiah” for his miracles on the football field and his “wise and holy” attitude off the football.   Many across the country have started “tebowing” – kneeling on the ground with head bowed.  The Pope has even started tebowing…

Many believers in Vatican City feel that Tebow  - even though he is not Catholic – might be named the next Pope.   Pope Timothy?  Pope Tebow?  Sounds about right to many in Rome.

God is on Tebow’s side… Will anyone bet against Denver in the playoff game?

PALM BEACH, FL – Thousand of sharks under alien mind control have been spotted just off the coast of south Florida.

Throughout this week, visitors to south Florida beaches have witnessed incredible shark sightings.

“There were a thousand sharks in a school offshore here,” said one visitor. Another visitor recounted, “They were coming right up. You could get knee-deep in water and they were coming in that close.”

Biologists claim that the increase in shark sightings is all part of an annual winter migration. As northern waters cool the sharks move south in search of warmer waters. They have also assured the public that the presence of the sharks should be of little to no concern for beach goers.

“They [the sharks] are generally not interested in you in the water,” stated Dr. Brian Franks.

However, this seemly sound advice from the doctor has done little to calm the nerves of many beach goers.

In addition to the mass amounts of sharks that have been spotted, it has also been noted that the sharks are swimming in synchronization much like Fu Yandong’s gold fish. Aerial footage has shown that the sharks are being positioned into geometric shapes and symbols similar in fashion to the crop circles that are known to be created by alien beings This strange synchronization was immediately brought to the attention of the UN Panel on Extraterrestrials and a full on investigation has begun.

“This shark activity is of grave concern for the people of planet earth. First the aliens implemented death on our animals and now mind control. This is clearly a sign that the aliens are learning more about how to control and manipulate the various genomes,” explained Cindy Townson who serves on the UN panel, “The aliens ability to control savage beasts, like sharks, is just another weapon that they will employ in their planned attacks.”

The UN Panel on Extraterrestrials has attempted to issued warnings to beach bums abound but their message has been intercepted by government agents who continually deny that an alien invasion is underway.

Some muscle heads have already taken matters into their own hands, going mano a mano with the sharks before they can make their first strike.

“I hate alien scum! I’ll take on every single last one of these alien controlled sharks and if I die tryin’ so be it,” said Philippe Barnes just before he flexed his muscles for the ladies and dove back into the ocean to take on his next opponent.

NEW HAMPSHIRE – Rick Perry continues his gafffetastic campaign.  He told an audience last night:  I hope the Easter Bunny is good to y’all.”

The audience in Portsmouth wasn’t surprised wasn’t surprised that Rick Perry confused Easter with Christmas.  They’ve gotten used to his campaign blunders.  Just the other day, Rick Perry told CNN that the Supreme Court only has 8 judges.  He retracted his statement yesterday  by reportedly saying,” We all make  mistakes, we all have our ‘oops’ moments.  I know there are ten Supre Court justices, but I don’t think I need to memorize all their names.  I can tell you this. George Bush is one of ‘em.”

An aide to Rick Perry’s campaign Rick Perry say that he always confuses Easter with Christmas because “they are so close together.”   Members of the press corps said Perry told them, “look, I made a mistake, but it’s a common error.  Jesus was born on Christmas, we all know that, but then  he rose again three days after and that’s Easter, so they are so close together it’s easy to see how somebody can make the error.   It’s a common thing.”

Here are a few other gaffes Perry reportedly made in New Hampshire:

1)  ”There are four branches of government:  Congress, The White House, The Supreme Court and the IRS.”

2)  ”Texas is our biggest state, except for Canada.  Canada is the biggest because it’s higher up there.”

3)  ”Iran and China are making deals because they’re next door neighbors.  That’s like Texas making deals with Oklahoma.  We don’t have to worry about that threat.”

4)  ”Hillary Clinton is a great American and a great Republican.  I might consider her as my Vice Presidential nominee.”

5)  ”Everyone should be able to carry guns, especially the children. They need protection.”

6)  ”I don’t believe in funding the arts.  NASA has enough money.  They don’t need to our money to pay artists to make dung sculptures.”

7)  ”I am Tim Tebow’s real father.  He’s my miracle.”

Perry ended his speech last night by saying, “Happy Christmas!” and then he sang Hava Nagila: