PALM BEACH, FL – A strange creature has been videotaped just off shore in Florida!

The Lagoon Keepers is a group of volunteers who remove floating debris from the waters of Palm Beach County. While working, they noticed something in the water and grabbed their video camera.

They decided to name it the “Muck Monster”, because every time they got close enough to get a good luck, it would dive into the muck where they couldn’t see.

Lake Worth Lagoon has never had previous reports of unidentified creatures in the water. Perhaps something came in from the ocean and got trapped?

NORTH PORT, FL — A retiree in southwestern Florida has reported that aliens have taken residence in his backyard.

Five encounters in the last four months have forced Michael Rowley, a retired Vietnam vet, and his son Shane, to welcome their uninvited guests to the neighborhood.

“Well, I’m retired and I thought this was where you’re supposed to go,” Michael said. “The only bad part is the aliens around here.”

Florida’s warm temperatures and tropical climate is a draw for many American retirees and apparently word has spread to the far reaches of the galaxy.

The Rowleys’ extraterrestial inconveinence has the attention of MUFON – Mutual UFO Network. The group is investigating and wants to setup surveillance. But Michael believes they won’t show up if cameras are around.

He says, “They want the same thing all of us retiree’s want. Peace and quiet so we can enjoy our twilight years. I highly doubt they’ll be coming out for photoshoots just to satisfy your curiosity.”

When they do come out in public Michael says he believes they come in peace and that they’re here for a reason.

“The sun here is a huge draw. Not many places in space have the kind of sun we do here. Florida is known for it, after all.”

MIAMI, FL – One of the first cases that will come before new Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor is a discrimination suit.

Haitian immigrant Jacques Orneuve filed a discrimination suit against the U.S. government, claiming he was unjustly denied Social Security benefits, simply because he is a zombie!

The man says officials told him that he is dead and is therefore not eligible for government benefits. BUt Orneuve, who arrive in the U.S. from Port au Prince 15 years ago, says he has a right to collect just like anybody else.

“I’m not dead – I’m the living dead,” says Orneuve. “There’s a distinct difference. They treat me like I don’t exist.

“But the Social Security guys say their hands are tied. They sent for my records from Haiti and they show I died in 1993. On the basis of that they say they don’t owe me a dime.

“I think this is outrageous considering that I came to this country in good faith and worked hard as a laborer for more than 13 years and they took out Social Security all that time. But they say they’ve never had a zombie try to collect before and they don’t know what to do.”

According to local accounts, Orneuve lived in Haiti’s capital all his life. Records there show that he died in 1993 at the age of 51, but friends and relatives swear he was brought back as a zombie in a voodoo ceremony several days after he passed away.

Orneuve and his son were among a group of Haitians who sailed to Florida in 1994, leaving their country behind because of political tensions. The two used false papers to get work, found an apartment and became U.S. residents.

Last year after Orneuve was injured and could no longer do his job, he filed for Social Security benefits. A few weeks later he got a call from a government clerk informing him he was ineligible for assistance because he was dead.

“I understand that Americans have a fear of zombies, but that shouldn’t keep them from obeying the law,” Orneuve said. “They’re discriminating against me beacuse of my religion and my physical condition. It’s got to stop.”

PALM BEACH, FL – Twenty-one thoroughbred horses mysteriously died before a polo match on Sunday. What was the cause?

Officials are currently waiting on test results to find out why twenty-one horses from a Venezuelan team quickly fell ill and died before a match in a Florida polo tournament.

The team Lechuza Caracas were unloading at the International Polo Club Palm Beach in Wellington, Florida, for a US Open match when two horses collapsed. As vets rushed to revive the two, another five became dizzy and soon keeled over.

Intravenous tubes were used to help the horses breathe, but ultimately seven died on the scene. Some were immediate, others lingered for up to 45 minutes. Another seven died on the way to off-site medical care, and the last seven went overnight.

Although nothing is conclusive yet, veterinarians believe some kind of poison caused the heart failure. But how did the horses receive it? “It could be the water, hay, bedding. We just don’t know. When we find out what it is, we will take all the necessary actions,” said John A. Wash, the polo club’s president of club operations.

Dr. James Belden said it remains to be seen “whether it’s something in the environment or something that the horses were exposed to.” He said the routine in the horses’ stable ahead of the match was absolutely normal, leading many to wonder if it was in fact sabotage.

Each horse was valued at $100,000, bringing the loss to over $2,000,000 for the Lechuza Caracas team.

Greetings Sentients!  Once again this is your most humble host and educator of all things epicurean MYGAR. 
With the changing of seasons upon us it falls upon me to share my knowledge of the best travel destinations on the planet.  Below is a list of the greatest destinations, and greatest deals for the trans-galactic traveler on a budget.  Enjoy!

Venice.  Hotels in the submerged portions of the city have been set up for water breathing life forms and are some of the best in this section of the galaxy.

Teotihuacan.  If you can travel through time, their restaurants in 40 bc were beyond delight.  And don’t forget to take in a ball game, even if you know who wins its fun to watch.  Even the contemporary ruins of this once glorious civilization are still a marvel and worth the trip.

Dixie County Florida.  Florida’s gulf coast is home to some of the planet’s best beaches.  Off the shore of Dixie Country Manatees gather each spring for poetry readings and philosophical debates that outsiders are welcome to attend.

Tempe Arizona.  Hyperdrive drag racing over the Arizona desert has been a tradition here for decades.  See the best of the best compete for bragging rights.  New laws have made it more difficult to harass the local population with probing.

Dollywood in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee.  All Hail the retired empress of the Tulurgian Empire!  Since abdicating her throne some 40 years ago the former Empress has passed the time as a country and western singer and opened a self-styled theme park.  The funnel cakes are so good, you won’t care they’re made of people.

Thessaloniki, Greece.  Snorkel with the Kraken off the shores of this Mediterranean isle.  Enjoy dinner on a restaurant patio overlooking the cliffs where the local Sirens perform nightly.

London, UK.  Like most advanced life forms in the galaxy we all know the prophecy of what will happen to this great metropolis in 2012.  Book a space now to see the fireworks!

Dubai.  Due to a well concealed zombie outbreak no one else is here now.  And someone needs to stay in all those new hotels.

King William Island, Northern Canada.  Big game hunters will want to catch the Tuunboq, a giant snow monster which can eat humans whole.  Enjoy the psychic enhancing effects of being near the magnetic north pole.

Atlantis.  Due to a slumping economy visiting this sunken kingdom has become easier than ever.  Although some will claim that it has become overrun by the tourist market, a recent downturn in their economy has forced a great deal of scaling back and family owned businesses are making a comeback.

And that, my friends, rounds out my list of the best deals in travel for this lovely little planet.  Please explore this precious sphere in your own way and try to be patient with local lifeforms.

As always, your humble servant, MYGAR

PORT SAINT LUCIE, FL – Gangs are springing up in Wal-Marts around the country, but shoppers continue to risk it in search of good deals.

Gangs have recently been discovered which operate entirely within Wal-Mart stores.  They have been seen attacking shoppers; taking their unpurchased items, stealing the wheels off their carts, or spray-painting their tags on customers. A few brave souls have sent warnings via text message or email to friends and family.

Henry Devino, a Massachusetts contractor, was assaulted just last week.  After turning the corner into the wrong aisle, Mr. Devino was attacked.  He was later found in the fabric section, caulked to a wall with Spongebob underpants over his eyes ($3.99) and bruises in the shape of a Tottino’s hard salami ($2.99).

“It was scary, but I’ll probably be coming back.  In times like this, how can you say no to those prices?”

In places like Port Saint Lucie, Florida, Burlington, Vermont, and Stamford, Connecticut, shoppers are on high alert.  Greeters in some stores have begun handing out Kevlar vests to women and children entering the store.

The gangs are believed to have originated with children and the elderly who became lost in the superstores and forgotten.  Banding together for protection, they grew up and learned to survive in the tough aisles of Wal-Mart.

Given the massive size of most Wal-Mart superstores, the gangs are able to easily evade detection for weeks at a time.

A special Wal-Mart police force was called in at one store, resulting in a shoot-out in the linen section which claimed four lives and tens of dollars in ruined merchandise.

Police are issuing warnings of the Wal-Mart Gang initiation: the Big Rollback.  The initiation involves a stolen chainsaw, riding lawnmower and several gallons of vegetable oil.  After cutting a couch in half the initiate will do donuts in the riding lawn mower on an oil slicked floor, before disappearing back into the superstore.

DAYTONA, FL – NASCAR’s most iconic race ended with a rain-out yesterday afternoon, despite pit crews making multiple sacrifices to the rain gods.

With 48 of the 200 laps to go, NASCAR judges had to stall the event, hoping that the rain would pass.

Pit crews went to work making sacrifices to appease the gods and end the rain.  Bulls, goats, and geese, are traditionally kept on hand for just this purpose.  Kevin Harvick’s crew had a full grown bull roasting on a makeshift altar in 3.22.57 seconds.

“There was some confusion as to which rain god we should sacrifice to” said Harvick’s crew chief James Hickerton.  “We decided on Poseidon, even though he’s technically a sea god, due to his recognizability.”

“Once we saw the rain wouldn’t be passing over in a couple minutes, we sent word to the teams to make sacrifice to their divine sponsors,” said NASCAR official Robert Biggle.

Teams offered up prayers to dozens of gods to please remove the rains so the auto race could resume.

These pit crews were fighting against the influence of Matt Kenseth’s team.  Kenseth was in the lead when the race was stalled, so his pit crew tried desperately to have the race called off.  The team sacrificed three bulls, two chickens and one unruly spectator donated by security while leading several VIP fans in a rain dance.

The rain kept coming and Kenseth was declared the winner of this year’s Daytona 500.  “I’d like to thank my pit crew for dancing so hard,” he said, “my wife for agreeing to give our son in exchange for this, and to the great Sky Father for making it all happen.”

CAPE CORAL, FL – An alligator was found trapped in a manhole, and mischievous mutant Manigator claims he had nothing to do with it.

Construction workers had stumbled upon the alligator when they removed the manhole cover to check some pipes. Trappers were called, who attempted to lure the gator out with recorded mating calls, but it would not budge.

Officials quickly turned to Cape Coral’s newest resident Manigator for an explanation, who played dumb. It is believed the half-man half-alligator mutant dared his cousin into going into the sewers, but Manigator is adamant about no wrongdoing: “No way, nuh uh, I ain’t (hiccup) never done nothing like that! Billy Joe (hiccup) ended up down there by himself, ain’t got nothing to do with (hiccup) me!”

Although clearly inebriated, Manigator was forced by the Sherriff to help in the removal process. He alone was able to lure the reptile out with homebrewed swamp water moonshine and issues of adult magazine Live Young Gators.

When police warned them not to play near sewers again, Manigator gave him the finger and scurried off into the trees with Billy Joe.

JACKSONVILLE, FL – Rick Warren was attacked by the half-alligator mutant Manigator at a press conference earlier today.

Since being asked to give the opening prayer for the Obama inauguration, Warren has been the cause of much protest due to his history of opposing gay marriage.  Warren called an emergency press conference this morning to address the criticism.

However before he could begin his meeting was crashed by Manigator.

Slamming the doors open, the diminutive reptile-man immediately filled the room with the smell of stale alcohol, tripping over the carpet and steadying himself by grabbing the bosom of a female reporter.  Through a damp cigarette he slurringly yelled to Warren, “You show em what… yeah!”

Rick Warren, mortified, tried to get through a prepared statement focusing on cooperation between people of different beliefs.  Unfortunately his every sentence was punctuated by Manigator, yelling his support for intolerance using vulgar language and controlled flatulence.

Putting down his cards Warren calmly asked Manigator to please leave, and that he could not accept his support.

Manigator, stunned, shed a single tear while swaying drunkenly in the press conference.  Then he threw a beer bottle at Rick Warren before launching into another tirade using more vulgarity and flatulence.

Security removed Manigator, who was heard yelling “I’m not crying!  Don’t you think I’m crying!”

Shaken, Warren called the conference off without answering any questions.

Two CNN reporters will be filing sexual harassment suits against Manigator.

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL – During a short break from counseling Madoff investment victims, PhD Ape ran into a client begging for help – Elliot Spitzer!

PhD Ape has come under fire since announcing his intention to offer free counsel sessions to the duped senior citizens.  Current and former clients flooded his office seeking refunds for past services.

“I decided to get away from all the media attention and the barrage of phone calls and emails,” PhD Ape said through a representative.  “I left my Blackberry and cell phone in Palm Beach and headed for Fort Lauderdale for some R & R.  The last thing I expected was to run into any clients.”

Seeking to escape the media himself, former New York Governor Elliot Spitzer is in Florida visiting his bubby for Hanukkah.  Spitzer has been getting a lot of attention this week since he publicly ridiculed his new job.

“It’s been a very difficult year for Elliot,” PhD Ape told reporters.  “Its only natural that he express discontent with being an online blogger for Slate when just a few months ago he was governor of the second most populous state in the Union and one of the few rising stars in the Democratic Party.  Its quite a fall from grace.”

“I don’t plan to spend much time with Elliot in Florida.  I have work to finish in Palm Beach and then its back to New York.  If he feels like he needs counseling sessions, I will be more than happy to see him.  That is, if he can afford me on a blogger’s salary.  After this, I’m done with charity cases.”