Ben Bernanke says that the worst of the recession is over and the economy will level out, thanks to a large reserve of gold found hidden under Mount Rushmore.
After reaching little to no success working within the Federal Reserve,  Chairman Ben Bernanke began looking for other ways to end the financial crisis.  For the past 3 months he has spent the majority of his time adventuring around the globe seeking alternative income to support the American economy.  His breakthrough came last week when a controversial map found in the Jefferson library led him to a lost city of gold hidden underneath Mount Rushmore.

“This is truely a spectacular find” said Bernanke.  “It will be a great help in propping up the American economy.”

Bernanke’s city of gold is believed to be the remnants of a Native American Indian tribe who stole the gold intended to pay France for the Louisiana purchase.  The Lakota tribe fortified themselves in the South Dakota mountain until they were discovered by government forces in 1877.  Realizing the chaos such an influx of gold would cause on the international markets the site was intentionally hidden.  President Calvin Coolidge further hid the city by placing a monument on top of it.  After that, the secret of the city was lost.

Bernanke’s find is expected to greatly stabilize the financial markets.  Most economists are now saying that the recession is over, and the country can begin its slow recovery.  The millions in gold will be just enough to patch up government deficits and avoid financial disaster.  International pools betting on when the American financial system would melt down were thrown into chaos.

“This revenue” Bernanke said “will also allow government to pay off some of the interest we owe to China, avoiding harsh penalties or foreclosure.”

WASHINGTON, DC – The IMF predicts a shrinking world economy over the next few years.  This troubling news sent lard and cornmeal futures skyrocketing.

The International Monetary Fund announced yesterday its prediction that the entire world economy would shrink by 1.3% in 2009.  This would be the worst world downturn since World War II.

At this harsh economic news certain stocks began to skyrocket.  Cornmeal futures, overall producers, lard and other products associated with economic hardship are seeing excellent gains.

“With people the world over having to tighten their belts, simpler solutions to old problems are coming back into vogue,” said Elmer O’Daniel, third generation head of O’Daniel Lard Producers.  “Right now the future of lard is looking pretty bright.”

Overall manufacturers and barrel factorie are working around the clock to fill orders from recently fired Wall Street heads looking for cheaper business attire.

Producers of anti-depressants like Paxil, Prozac, and Zoloft, are getting ready for a record breaking year.  Pharmaceutical representatives refused to comment about suspected deals with the federal government to put antidepressants in the water supply just to keep the suicide rate down.

McDonald’s has stated it will soon begin serving Cracklin’s, deep fried pieces of pig fat.  Head of McDonald’s Development, Charles Shephard, said, “At first we were hesitant to offer the American people a nutritionally void food like deep-fried fat.  But then we thought ‘who are we to criticize the cultures who invented foods like this?  Or consider fat a delicacy?’”

The IMF says that to combat the upcoming recession they are strongly urging governments to sponsor public works and elaborate movie musicals.

NEW YORK, NY – AIG executives are leaving the planet to avoid paying back bonuses, but Charles Grassley won’t let that stop him from getting justice.

Government and the American people are in an uproar at news that executives with the failing bank AIG have given themselves $165 million in bonuses, despite receiving a 170 billion government bailout.

Iowa Senator Charles Grassley made headlines earlier this week suggesting AIG executives should commit ritual suicide to regain their honor.  President Obama is seeking legal action to have the exorbitant bonuses repaid to the American people.

However, it was revealed earlier this week that AIG actually stands for Alien Investment Group.  All of the Executive level staff are fleeing the planet to avoid paying back the hefty bonuses.

Government officials are furious, but their hands are tied due to interplanetary extradition laws.  Charles Grassley won’t let that stop him from getting justice.

The Republican Senator from Iowa is hunting down the alien investment bankers one by one.  Armed only with a 500 year old sword and a jetpack he acquired in a no-bid contract with Halliburton, Grassley is determined to recoup the millions in bonuses for the American people.

Representatives from the Alien Investment Group have asked President Obama to call off the rogue Senator.  President Obama denied any knowledge of Grassley’s whereabouts or actions.

NEW YORK, NY – Wall Street executive Robert Rubin has successfully sued himself for $8 million.

The suit cited Rubin’s managerial incompetence while serving as CEO of Citigroup, a leading banking organization now sharing much of the blame for the financial crisis.

“Mr. Rubin wildly underpriced risk and speculated recklessly,” Mr. Rubin said in a statement.  “Much of our current turmoil stems from this kind of behavior, and it’s time I started sending a message to fat cats like me.”

The language of the settlement legitimizes Mr. Rubin’s grievances with Mr. Rubin, and the seven-figure payoff is a clear signal that those responsible for the crisis will be forced to pay themselves for their misdeeds.

When asked if he felt justice had been served, Mr. Rubin cautioned that more widespread litigation might be called for in a general sense, but affirmed that the settlement was satisfactory to him for the time being.

“This goes a long way towards reestablishing the equilibrium,” he said.  “Mr. Rubin made serious mistakes, and it’s time that Mr. Rubin answered for them, ideally to Mr. Rubin.”

Mr. Rubin added, “That’s what makes this country great.”

What kind of mischief did the world’s most famous mutant get into this year?

#5. BAT BOY STEALS NEW WARCRAFT GAME

Bat Boy obtained the new World of Warcraft expansion pack through a combination of thievery and sheer fear.

#4. BAT BOY SCARES MALL SANTA

Bat Boy’s attempts to be a normal child fail again with non-jolly results.

#3. BAT BOY BACKS OBAMA

Bat Boy made his first political endorsement after being swayed by Obama’s half-bat half-brother, Obatma.

#2. BAIL OUT BOY

Henry Paulson turned to Bat Boy to help solve the country’s financial crisis with bat guano.

#1. BAT BOY HATES PROP 8

Bat Boy made his squeaks heard at a Proposition 8 protest.

UPDATE: At a pivotal moment in the nation’s history, America’s newest Deputy Treasury Secretary, Bat Boy, was nowhere to be found. This revelation sent shockwaves through the market and Washington D.C. on Monday.

Where was Bat Boy? He had scurried off to see his favorite band, Vampire Weekend, play a secret show in Brooklyn on Saturday night. He watched and devoured mosquitoes while the nation burned.

09/29/08
The lower house of the U.S. Congress has voted down the rescue plan to bail out Wall Street. Henry Paulson has called on Bat Boy to persuade those in the House of Representatives who rejected it to move the plan forward.

Bat Boy seemed confident that a bounty of mosquitoes and his collection of bird skulls will do the trick.

09/25/08 – A financial crisis has been averted!

WASHINGTON, DC – Henry Paulson has proposed Bat Boy to be Deputy Treasury Secretary of the U.S. Treasury. The Senate is understandably skeptical of this recommendation.

“I mean, people are saying Sarah Palin isn’t qualified enough to be Vice-President, and she’s a governor! This bailout boy lives in a cave!”, exclaimed an unnamed Senator. He wished to remain anonymous, for fear of mutant backlash.

Paulson’s reasoning?

While experimenting in his cave, Bat Boy discovered a rare form of guano left by his fellow bats. This peak guano is such an effective form of alternative energy, the government will be able to sell it as an oil -alternative domestically and abroad for a tidy profit, thus covering the $1 trillion dollar cost of bailing out the financial system.

Paulson also stated, “Bailout Boy will not require lavish executive pay or even a hefty bonus. Bat Boy has asked to be compensated entirely in mosquitoes–an abundant commodity that we are happy to be unloading at this time.”