WASHINGTON, DC – A message intercepted by NASA’s Pioneer 10 has been leaked, exposing a horrifying invasion that’s been going on for centuries… madmen, murderers and tyrants from other worlds are being dumped on Earth!

And experts claim that most if not all of history’s vilest villains – Attila the Hun, Jack the Ripper, Adolf Hitler, Josef Stalin, Jeffrey Dahmer, Osama bin Laden to name a few – came to Earth as criminal exiles from another solar system.

“Alien beings have been doing for hundreds of years exactly what Fidel Castro did in 1980,” declared a U.S. Justice Department official who commented on the condition he not be identified.

“Castro cleaned out his prisons and asylums and sent all his criminals and nut cases to America in the so-called Freedom Boatlift. The only difference is that the space thugs are being dumped all over our planet.

“It wouldn’t surprise me in the least if Castro himself is proven to be a space alien, because he probably got the boatlift idea from his home planet!”

The alien message was relayed in 2002 to a Deep Space Network (DSN) monitoring facility in Madrid, Spain, after being intercepted by Pioneer 10, the first craft to leave our solar system and journey into deep space. The message was one of the last to be received before the spacecraft went out of range, however it was kept top-secret until now.

“The transmission actually lists the dates when an exile was brought to Earth,” explained Dr. Larisa Atkov, a professor of history at Moscow University.

“I was amazed to find that the dates coincide more or less with the rise of certain individuals who became noted for their brutality and savagery. For example, an alien was exiled to Europe on Earth date 406 A.D., the same year that  Attila the Hun is believed to have been born.

“On Earth date 1889, an alien was exiled to Austria… the same date and place where the madman Adolf Hitler was born. I was able to make the same comparison with each of the most infamous monster of history.

French geneticist Paul Perrault, a leader in clone research, said the alien exiles undoubtedly have the ability to transform themselves into human-like males or females.

“They apparently can change their outward appearance at will,” he explained. “But they’re unable to alter their evil personalities.

“The world looks at Milwaukee cannibal Jeffrey Dahmer as some kind of inhuman savage because he consumed his murder victims. Well, now we know the truth… he IS inhuman. He’s an exiled space alien.

“There will be others brought to Earth. Every time a UFO is sighted, it’s probably bringing another madman into our lives. All we can hope and pray for is that someday we will find a way to stop them.”

WASHINGTON, DC – President Obama is opening the door to Cuba.  The two countries will settle their differences once and for all in a Prime Time Tango dance-off.

President Barack Obama has lifted restrictions on Americans visiting family in Cuba.  This marks the first time in 50 years America has eased restrictions with Cuba, and is a key first step towards what many hope will be more normalized relations with the island country.

The idea for this came when the Obamas unexpectedly met with Fidel Castro in Turkey last week.  Sources close to the President confirm that a secret dinner was held, in which the Cuban leader thanked them for allowing him to meet the Alien.

After many laughs, drinks, and cigars, the world leaders were well on their way to putting their differences behind them.  When a particularly rousing song came on, Fidel Castro asked Michelle Obama to dance, and led her across the floor in a sensuous Tango.  Seeing the blatant challenge by the former Cuban Dictator, President Obama was left to sit and watch as he did not know the dance.

The Cuban-American grudge, which started with the Cuban Missile Crisis and only fueled by Fidel Castro dancing with the President’s wife, will finally be settled once and for all on in a Tango competition on prime time television.  Each country will select their greatest champions to dance on their behalf.  A team of impartial mystery judges will be flown in for the competition.  The location of the will be kept secret until the last minute, but is expected to be in Trinidad or Tobago.

Michelle Obama has refused to comment on being swept away by the communist leader.  However she has been spotted reading several romance novels in the past week.

HAVANA, CUBA – Fidel Castro met with US lawmakers for the first time in years this Tuesday.  Political expert the Alien was on hand to assist with the talks. 
Washington is attempting to warm up relations with the communist country, including lifting the ban on American travel and the long held trade embargo.

The Alien, acting as an outside opinion, agreed that a furthered dialogue could be beneficial for both nations.

“The Cold War is long over.  There is no reason these two nations should not pursue a dialogue which could be mutually beneficial.”

Fidel Castro requested the Alien specifically to help mediate the meeting.  It was during the most heated portion of America’s relationship with Cuba that the Alien crash landed in Roswell New Mexico.  At the time Castro was obsessed with learning what advantages, technological or political, the Alien may be giving his cold war adversaries.  Finally seeing the Alien, knowing with certainty he exists and even talking with him, was the realization of a long held dream for Mr. Castro.

The meeting focused on the normalization between the two countries, and what that could mean.  Fidel and his brother Raul Castro believe that the Obama administration may be able to finally open the doors between the neighboring countries.

After the meeting Fidel took the Alien aside to ask about the part he played in “the old days.”  The Alien, although very polite, seemed very uncomfortable and kept giving the ‘help me’ signal to his fellow delegates.

The typically staunch communist leader seemed very keen on seeing improved US Cuba relations within his lifetime, and sent all the delegates home with large boxes of cigars and novelty military hat /fake beard sets.

I’m angrier than Adam Smith in an itchy kilt about what’s happened to our once great nation!

The other day I saw the Communist-in-Chief at a townhall meeting on tv — but I thought I was watching ‘Let’s Make a Deal’.

One lady got up and told him she needed a car and a new kitchen. The Teleprompter Kid told her to talk with his staff after the show and sure enough, some rich friend of his gave her a house! I thought I was watching Oprah instead of Obama!

Heck, Jesus himself only gave out fish sandwiches.

Some other guy wanted more unemployment insurance, and another didn’t like his benefits at McDonald’s. Mr. and Mrs. America, it was like a bunch of kids visiting Santa at the mall, except these nuts were louder and crazier!

Did folks beg Abe Lincoln for spare change on his way to the movies? Did John Adams buy everyone a new washing machine? What an embarrassment!

What happened to the good old days, when ordinary Americans worked at the same job for forty years, got a gold watch, then pawned it when times got tough?

We complain about the lineups at the DMV, but we want the same government to take care of us?

You all should move to Cuba, where Castro will give you a second hand rice cooker once in a while before he throws you in jail. Old Ed Anger will gladly buy you moochers a one-way ticket, cuz it’ll be the last free thing you get on this man’s dime!