HAVANA – Fidel Castro admitted that the Cuban system doesn’t work and hopped a raft for America.

Fidel Castro told an American journalist that the Cuban economic model doesn’t work. The former Cuban president made the jaw-dropping comment to WWN.  The ailing Cuban leader’s remarks came almost as an aside over lunch recently in Havana.

“The Cuban model doesn’t even work anymore, and never has,” Castro told WWN.   We were stunned by his comment and were not sure we heard him correctly so asked the interpreter if Castro was, in fact, denouncing the Cuban Revolution and his five decades of dictatorship.

“Yes,” Juanita Hidalgo, Castro’s interpreter said.  “He has rejected the ideas of the Revolution and was acknowledging that the Cuban model is wrong and has always been wrong.  The state should not have a big role in the economic life of this country or any country.”

Castro went on to say that he felt President Barack Obama, was turning America into Cuba.  “He is a dictator, like myself.  But he is growing the government too big.  It will destroy America as a world power.”  Castro went on to denounce Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for his views on the “Jews.”  He also denounced Mel Gibson.  “The man is a fool.  I ordered my people to destroy all Mel Gibson films in Cuba.  Except Braveheart.  I love Braveheart.”

Castro, faced with the dilemma of renouncing the Cuban government, while still being its de facto leader, decided to hop on a raft and head for Miami.  “He just left the building and had his driver take him to the beach.  He hopped on a raft with about thirty other Cubans looking for freedom,” Hidalgo said.

Castro, though sick for years, still needed five Cubans to counter-balance him on the other side of the makeshift raft.  Cubans lined the beaches and watched Castro and his crew float away toward America.

Raul Castro, Fidel’s brother and the President of the Cuban Council of State, was deciding whether to send the army out to sea to get his brother.  “My brother has lost his mind.  The Cuban way of life is the best in the world, just ask Michael Moore.”   Several reporters challenged Raul on his assertion, but before he could answer the reporters were taken outside and shot.

“Never trust the media. That’s the first rule for any good government,” said Raul.

Fidel Castro is expected to wash ashore in Miami this Saturday.   First one to spot him wins… Gloria Estefan’s latest CD!

WASHINGTON -  The Obama Administration confirmed tonight that Osama Bin Laden is in the C.I.A.

Fidel Castro, the aging Cuban revolutionary claimed today that Osama bin Laden is in the pay of the CIA and that President George Bush  called upon the al-Qaida leader whenever he needed to increase the fear quotient in America.

The former Cuban president said he knows it because he read it on WikiLeaks.

The Obama Administration swiftly responded. Rahm Emanuel said, “President Obama is having ice cream with his family.  He’ll get back to you on that on next Tuesday.  And yes, he likes vanilla and chocolate.”

But Defense Secretary William Gates spoke with reporters and said, “Oh well, Fidel let the rat out of the bag.  Osama bin Laden did work for the C.I.A. back in the early 1990s.  He was an agent working out of Saudi Arabia.  But we haven’t heard from him since and he hasn’t picked up his monthly check in over fifteen years.”

Gates also confirmed that Osama Bin Laden was in the Washington D.C. the night that George Bush told reporters at the Pentagon that he wanted to bring Osama Bin Laden in “dead or alive.”

Gates denied, however, that the thousands of pages of American classified documents made public by WikiLeaks pointed to who the al-Qaida leader as C.I.A. as Fidel Castro claims.  “I don’t think Fidel could read one page, let alone thousands of pages at this point.”

It is possible that Osama Bin Laden – as a C.I.A  Agent will capture himself and collect the $25 million dollar reward.   It’s not clear whether Osama would bring himself in – dead or alive.

In other related news, Fidel Castro also told a Lithuanian reporter that he felt that humans would have to live on Mars by 2030.  “This planet is going to burn up in the next ten years.”   When asked how he thought humans would get to Mars, Castro said, “The Cuban Mothership.”  He added that there would only be room for Cubans, Russians, Venezuelans and North Koreans on the ship. “Sorry, Americans, you’re not invited.”

“Al Gore isn’t invited either,” said Castro.

Here’s a short bio of of the C.I.A. agent:

CANANDAIGUA, NY -  Ringo Starr was leaving the stage after his concert last night, when Pete Best, the first drummer of The Beatles shot him with a handgun.

Ringo Starr and his All-Star Band were performing at the Constellation Brands Performing Arts Center CMAC last night and put on a great show. After signing autographs backstage the always-jovial Ringo walked toward his limo when a man in a fedora ran down the exit ramp and fired three shots into Ringo’s stomach. The man was quickly subdued by Canadaigua police officers, who were escorting Ringo, and soon identified as Pete Best, the first drummer of The Beatles.

A wounded Ringo fell to the ground, held up two fingers and eeked out, “peace and love” before collapsing. He was taken to the closest hospital, Finger Lakes Animal Hospital, where several veterinarians attended to him. “I’ve only taken bullets out of pigs, but I think it’s the same thing, right?”  Dr. Leslie Domore told reporters outside the hospital. The bullets were successfully extracted and today Ringo is resting comfortably on a bed of hay in a stall decorated like a yellow submarine. “We wanted him to feel at home,” said Dr. Domore.

Pete Best was taken to the Canandaigua jail. He told reporters, “I finally snapped. I’ve spent my whole f**king life telling people that it didn’t affect me that The Beatles dumped me right before they became famous. But my life has been ruined!  And it’s Ringo’s fault  Not a day goes by when somebody doesn’t ask me about Ringo. I should have been the funny Beatle!”

The Beatles never fully explained to Best why he was kicked out of the Beatles.  Some say it was because he wasn’t a good enough drummer, others say he was too “good-looking” and still others speculate that he it was because he was used to ride around Liverpool on a tricycle, dressed in women’s clothing.  No matter what the reason, the 69-year-old Best has spent his whole life wondering what might have been. “The fact that he hasn’t gone postal before is the real surprise,” said George Martin, the legendary producer of The Beatle. “In retrospect, we probably should have kept Best, but… what can you do now.”

Best played with The Beatles for two years before being dumped by Brian Epstein right before The Beatles recorded their first hit, ‘Love Me Do.” From his jail cell, Best told reporters, “I came up with that song title. McCartney stole that from me. He stole everything from me.  Hey Jude, Yesterday, Sgt. Pepper… they were all mine. I used to call my pet frog Sgt. Pepper, that’s where Lennon got the idea from.” An enraged Best, who has been touring with his own band, The Pete Best Band, had to be sedated.

In a surprising twist, while Best was being transferred to the Ontario County Jail, he was shot by a heavy-set man. The police arrested the man, who turned out to be… Jack Ruby.  Apparently Jack Ruby, who is almost 100 years old now, did not die in 1967, but instead was taken back to Cuba where he’s lived in seclusion. He told police that Paul McCartney paid for the hit.  When asked to comment, McCartney said, “It was all just an extended prank. John, George and I had planned on  making his life miserable and it worked!”

Pete Best would have been taken to the Finger Lakes Animal Hospital, but Ringo was occupying the only open stall. Instead, Best is going to be treated in a nearby homeless shelter.

Pete Best mug shot 7/21/10

WASHINGTON, DC – A message intercepted by NASA’s Pioneer 10 has been leaked, exposing a horrifying invasion that’s been going on for centuries… madmen, murderers and tyrants from other worlds are being dumped on Earth!

And experts claim that most if not all of history’s vilest villains – Attila the Hun, Jack the Ripper, Adolf Hitler, Josef Stalin, Jeffrey Dahmer, Osama bin Laden to name a few – came to Earth as criminal exiles from another solar system.

“Alien beings have been doing for hundreds of years exactly what Fidel Castro did in 1980,” declared a U.S. Justice Department official who commented on the condition he not be identified.

“Castro cleaned out his prisons and asylums and sent all his criminals and nut cases to America in the so-called Freedom Boatlift. The only difference is that the space thugs are being dumped all over our planet.

“It wouldn’t surprise me in the least if Castro himself is proven to be a space alien, because he probably got the boatlift idea from his home planet!”

The alien message was relayed in 2002 to a Deep Space Network (DSN) monitoring facility in Madrid, Spain, after being intercepted by Pioneer 10, the first craft to leave our solar system and journey into deep space. The message was one of the last to be received before the spacecraft went out of range, however it was kept top-secret until now.

“The transmission actually lists the dates when an exile was brought to Earth,” explained Dr. Larisa Atkov, a professor of history at Moscow University.

“I was amazed to find that the dates coincide more or less with the rise of certain individuals who became noted for their brutality and savagery. For example, an alien was exiled to Europe on Earth date 406 A.D., the same year that  Attila the Hun is believed to have been born.

“On Earth date 1889, an alien was exiled to Austria… the same date and place where the madman Adolf Hitler was born. I was able to make the same comparison with each of the most infamous monster of history.

French geneticist Paul Perrault, a leader in clone research, said the alien exiles undoubtedly have the ability to transform themselves into human-like males or females.

“They apparently can change their outward appearance at will,” he explained. “But they’re unable to alter their evil personalities.

“The world looks at Milwaukee cannibal Jeffrey Dahmer as some kind of inhuman savage because he consumed his murder victims. Well, now we know the truth… he IS inhuman. He’s an exiled space alien.

“There will be others brought to Earth. Every time a UFO is sighted, it’s probably bringing another madman into our lives. All we can hope and pray for is that someday we will find a way to stop them.”

WASHINGTON, DC – President Obama is opening the door to Cuba.  The two countries will settle their differences once and for all in a Prime Time Tango dance-off.

President Barack Obama has lifted restrictions on Americans visiting family in Cuba.  This marks the first time in 50 years America has eased restrictions with Cuba, and is a key first step towards what many hope will be more normalized relations with the island country.

The idea for this came when the Obamas unexpectedly met with Fidel Castro in Turkey last week.  Sources close to the President confirm that a secret dinner was held, in which the Cuban leader thanked them for allowing him to meet the Alien.

After many laughs, drinks, and cigars, the world leaders were well on their way to putting their differences behind them.  When a particularly rousing song came on, Fidel Castro asked Michelle Obama to dance, and led her across the floor in a sensuous Tango.  Seeing the blatant challenge by the former Cuban Dictator, President Obama was left to sit and watch as he did not know the dance.

The Cuban-American grudge, which started with the Cuban Missile Crisis and only fueled by Fidel Castro dancing with the President’s wife, will finally be settled once and for all on in a Tango competition on prime time television.  Each country will select their greatest champions to dance on their behalf.  A team of impartial mystery judges will be flown in for the competition.  The location of the will be kept secret until the last minute, but is expected to be in Trinidad or Tobago.

Michelle Obama has refused to comment on being swept away by the communist leader.  However she has been spotted reading several romance novels in the past week.

HAVANA, CUBA – Fidel Castro met with US lawmakers for the first time in years this Tuesday.  Political expert the Alien was on hand to assist with the talks. 
Washington is attempting to warm up relations with the communist country, including lifting the ban on American travel and the long held trade embargo.

The Alien, acting as an outside opinion, agreed that a furthered dialogue could be beneficial for both nations.

“The Cold War is long over.  There is no reason these two nations should not pursue a dialogue which could be mutually beneficial.”

Fidel Castro requested the Alien specifically to help mediate the meeting.  It was during the most heated portion of America’s relationship with Cuba that the Alien crash landed in Roswell New Mexico.  At the time Castro was obsessed with learning what advantages, technological or political, the Alien may be giving his cold war adversaries.  Finally seeing the Alien, knowing with certainty he exists and even talking with him, was the realization of a long held dream for Mr. Castro.

The meeting focused on the normalization between the two countries, and what that could mean.  Fidel and his brother Raul Castro believe that the Obama administration may be able to finally open the doors between the neighboring countries.

After the meeting Fidel took the Alien aside to ask about the part he played in “the old days.”  The Alien, although very polite, seemed very uncomfortable and kept giving the ‘help me’ signal to his fellow delegates.

The typically staunch communist leader seemed very keen on seeing improved US Cuba relations within his lifetime, and sent all the delegates home with large boxes of cigars and novelty military hat /fake beard sets.

I’m angrier than Adam Smith in an itchy kilt about what’s happened to our once great nation!

The other day I saw the Communist-in-Chief at a townhall meeting on tv — but I thought I was watching ‘Let’s Make a Deal’.

One lady got up and told him she needed a car and a new kitchen. The Teleprompter Kid told her to talk with his staff after the show and sure enough, some rich friend of his gave her a house! I thought I was watching Oprah instead of Obama!

Heck, Jesus himself only gave out fish sandwiches.

Some other guy wanted more unemployment insurance, and another didn’t like his benefits at McDonald’s. Mr. and Mrs. America, it was like a bunch of kids visiting Santa at the mall, except these nuts were louder and crazier!

Did folks beg Abe Lincoln for spare change on his way to the movies? Did John Adams buy everyone a new washing machine? What an embarrassment!

What happened to the good old days, when ordinary Americans worked at the same job for forty years, got a gold watch, then pawned it when times got tough?

We complain about the lineups at the DMV, but we want the same government to take care of us?

You all should move to Cuba, where Castro will give you a second hand rice cooker once in a while before he throws you in jail. Old Ed Anger will gladly buy you moochers a one-way ticket, cuz it’ll be the last free thing you get on this man’s dime!