SEATTLE, WA – After this week’s announcement of the 2009 Sasquatch Music Festival, cyber cafes across the country are reporting mysterious nighttime break-ins.

The Sasquatch Music Festival is a three-day concert held annually in Washington state. Bands play on three seperate stages: Sasquatch Main Stage, Wookie Stage and Yeti Stage. The line-up is heavily anticipated, as the festival attracts bigger headliners every year.

Now numerous cyber cafes, all near wooded areas, have been reporting break-ins. The owners arrived this morning to find windows smashed in, clumps of hair and feces strewn about, and computers logged into the festival’s ticketing website.

A security camera captured the image above, of what is indisputably two Sasquatches attempting to buy tickets!

Weekly World News reporters have begun searching Sasquatch-frequented Internet message boards for clues, and it seems the country’s entire humanoid population is planning on attending. Younger cryptids are raving about Animal Collective and Grizzly Bear, while the older ones think it’s a species reunion.

Fatfoot, the overweight Sasquatch, is protesting the festival, alledging weight discrimination after his band Fatfoot and the Gigantopitheci was not picked to play.

NEW YORK, NY – To welcome in the new year, Weekly World News flew in some of the years biggest shakers and news makers for a holiday party.

Mutants, cryptids, and journalists toasted the new year at a party held in the WWN Headquarters in downtown Manhattan.

When asked what their New Year’s resolutions would be, here are some of your favorite celebrities answers:

PhD Ape, three martinis in, wrote a mini dissertation on a cocktail napkin in calligraphy.  In summation, he hopes to continue to make a positive contribution to people in need and learn to be a good father.  Also he wants to take a pottery class.

Bat Boy, who was given sodas and pixie sticks all night, drew on construction paper pictures of himself and Obatma playing together on the White House lawn.

Manigator, drinking cans of cheap beer and what appeared to be moonshine out of a coffee can, wrote down on a used napkin, “This year it’s gonna be difrent when they get into (illegible) They don’t know who they’re dealin with (stained section) that’s just crazy they’d charge me for-”

That was as far as he got before the writing trailed off and he passed out in the bathroom.

Fatfoot said through his wildlife worker/interpreter that he wanted to stop using food to deal with his feelings, start leading a more active lifestyle, and most importantly learn to love himself so others can love him to.  For the last night of the year, he allowed himself to splurge on 7-11 Big Gulps and a tray of pigs-in-a-blanket.

What were the top five celebrity stories Weekly World News uncovered this year?

#5. FATFOOT ON THE VIEW

The overweight Sasquatch appeared on The View to discuss its struggles with negative body image.

#4. BEAR GRYLLS’ INJURY FROM YETI FIGHT

Weekly World News discovered the truth behind Bear Grylls’ shoulder injury: a fight with a yeti over a dead seal!

#3. BATNEY SPEARS

America’s favorite mutant helped Britney Spears break free of her handlers and have fun again.

#2. AMY WINEHOUSE REVEALS ALL

Amy Winehouse not only went topless but beehive-less, revealing her true hair and turning witnesses to stone.

#1. SARAH PALIEN?

Governor Palin’s resemblance to the Alien revealed that she is in fact a Palien, originating from the planet Wazeela.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – In order to redeem her public image, Miley Cyrus has recorded a duet with Fatfoot for charity.

Miley Cyrus, daughter of singer Billy Ray Cyrus, shot to fame after her TV show “Hannah Montana” became one of the biggest hits in Disney Channel’s history. However, a recent Vanity Fair spread featuring Miley’s bare back caused her heavy criticism.

In order to reclaim her pop princess title, Miley has turned to good deeds. Last week she set out bait of apple cores and Funyuns in a dumpster behind her recording studio. Not 30 minutes later, Fatfoot, the overweight Sasquatch, burst through the nearby trees to claim the food. But Fatfoot got an even better prize of being asked to join Miley in recording a duet!

He was thrilled to join in, but only after finishing the Funyuns.

All of the proceeds will go to a campaign for promoting healthy eating habits to children. The two divas sang a modified version of Miley’s song “Wake Up America”, with Billy Ray on acoustic guitar. Billy Ray was so moved that his weeping can be slightly heard in the recording.

A representative from Cryptids & Humanoids Alliance Against Defamation stated, “We are thrilled that Miley has featured a cryptid in one of her songs, and exposed the truth that humans aren’t the only ones with dietary issues. Little humanoids need to be just as concerned as human children about growing up strong and healthy! Fatfoot is a sad example of how it can all go wrong.”

Miley Cyrus’ record label provided Weekly World News with a small excerpt of the new song. Keep an eye out for the music video debuting later this month, only on the Disney Channel!

“Wake Up America”

Wake up America
We’re all in this together it’s our
Children so let’s take care of them
You know that you want to, you know that you got to
Wake up America
Tomorrow becomes the new day
And everything you do matters
Yeah everything you do matters in some way!

BRONX, NY – Fatfoot is looking for a companion who can love all of him.

After months spent fighting an eating disorder, Fatfoot, the overweight Sasquatch, feels comfortable enough with himself to try finding a mate.  As Sasquatches are a very rare species, particularly outside the American Northwest, he has taken to internet dating sites to speed the process.

Several weeks ago, Fatfoot was caught binge eating outside a Manhattan Dunkin’ Donuts.  Concerned wildlife experts sent him to The View to receive treatment.  The popular daytime talk show let Fatfoot express his feelings about growing up feeding out of New Jersey dumpsters and gave him a makeover.

With winter fast approaching, Sasquatches are drawn to prepare for hibernation.  And that means finding someone to hibernate with. Fatfoot has turned to the one place where love can happen before physical attraction.

He has created profiles on the most popular web sites: match.com, eHarmony and Chemistry.com. However, though headway is being made in the mainstream sites, there are still not many computer literate overweight Sasquatches registered.  Most are still using specialty sites like ChubbyYeti and BigBeautifulCryptids.com.

Sasquatches are a notoriously shy species so genuine success rates for the matching services are still comparably low, but primatologists from the Bronx Zoo are helping Fatfoot spice up his listings and facebook page.  His insistence on using the theme song to “Footloose” may be hampering his efforts.

Hopefully Fatfoot will soon find the missing link… to his heart.

NEW YORK, NY – Fatfoot, the overweight Sasquatch, was recently discovered to be suffering from bulimia.   Yesterday he appeared on daytime television show The View to discuss his struggle.

Fatfoot became overweight foraging for food in suburban New Jersey, subsiding mostly on fast food and leftover Chinese takeout.  While most Sasquatches weigh between 450 and 600 pounds, Fatfoot weighs roughly 1,235 lbs.  After the recent publicity received for his weight, the obese australocrypticine developed a severe eating disorder.

For the past few weeks, Fatfoot has been going on binges, eating dumpster-fulls of discarded food from Manhattan restaurants.  Several days ago he was seen purging behind a midtown Dunkin Donuts, and was quickly taken away by concerned wildlife officials.  Once the story of his eating disorder got out he was almost immediately invited on The View.

Most of The View’s female hosts offered their sympathies to the obese primate.  Elizabeth Hasselbeck, a devout creationist, refused to acknowledge the existence of the missing link sitting next to her.

The overweight Sasquatch, although only able to communicate through grunts and pointing, managed to tell a story of heartache and rejection.  Barely a dry eye was left by the time Joy Behar denounced Weekly World News for giving the primate the moniker ‘Fatfoot’, which the sobbing Sasquatch confirmed only led to his negative body image.

At the end of the show Fatfoot was treated to a surprise make-over before being released back into the wild.

Weekly World News and its staff would like to formally apologize to Fatfoot for encouraging a negative body image.  We shall continue to provide the latest breaking news without weight discrimination as “The World’s Only Reliable News Source.”

]]> http://weeklyworldnews.com/celebs/3732/fatfoot-on-the-view/feed/ 5 Reginald Cunningham III fatfoottheview http://weeklyworldnews.com/headlines/2820/rangel-and-fatfoot-square-off-over-doughnut/ http://weeklyworldnews.com/headlines/2820/rangel-and-fatfoot-square-off-over-doughnut/#comments Tue, 23 Sep 2008 14:00:57 +0000 Sarah Haddad http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/?p=2820 Fatfoot and Charlie Rangel were spotted fighting in a Dunkin Donuts in Washington Heights]]>

Fatfoot and Charlie Rangel were spotted fighting in a Dunkin Donuts in the Washington Heights neighborhood of Manhattan.

Numerous spectators agreed that the pair seemed to be arguing over an uneaten glazed doughnut that was found next to the dumpster out back.

Rangel, currently the chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee for the U.S. House of Representatives, is paying off thousands of dollars in back taxes on real estate he failed to declare.

“This doesn’t suprise me,” stated an anonymous source from the Senate Banking Committee. “Since he started paying off these taxes, he’s been swiping all kinds of stuff from the Representatives kitchen: non-dairy creamer, Splenda packets, even those little plastic stirrers! He must be really hurting for cash.”

Witnesses said Fatfoot won the prized doughnut after Rangel slipped on a discarded eclair, and made off into Fort Tryon Park to stuff his face.

YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK, WY — We may soon have to rename Bigfoot “Bigbelly.” Researchers warn that the elusive backwoods creatures are hooked on junk food and have become dangerously overweight!

And to prove their point, scientists released exclusively to Weekly World News a photo of the fattest Bigfoot ever seen — a Sasquatch sporting a huge, pendulous gut, and jiggling rolls of fat.

“We estimate this specimen weighs 2,400 pounds — nearly three times the previous record,” declared cryptozoolgist Dr. Anthony Hullwood, director of the Seattle-based Bigfoot Research Institute.

Sadly, we humans may be to blame for Bigfoot’s obesity.

“Campers keep bringing high-calorie snacks and fast food to our national parks and Bigfoots have been gorging themselves on the leftovers,” the expert explained.

“Obesity is a widespread problem among Americans and our poor dietary habits have now been passed onto Bigfoot.  Research indicates that 63 percent of the creatures are now suffering from obesity.”

The eye-popping photo was taken by campers Susan and Mark Fredinski, after they heard “something big” raiding the duffel bag containing their snacks during the night.

“The next morning, we heard this loud munching, we followed the sound to a clearing — and saw the fat Bigfoot stuffing our Twinkies into his mouth,” recalled Susan, 36.

“When Mark snapped the photo, the thing started to chase us, but after about 20 feet, it got winded and gave up.”

“When you visit one of our national parks, be sure to dispose of your uneaten food properly,” Dr. Hullwood pleads. “Deposit it a bear-and-Bigfoot-proof dumpster at the campground.”

There is one bright side to the story.

“These out-of-shape Bigfoot are so slow, the odds are high we’ll soon catch one alive,” he said.