WASHINGTON – The Obama Administration has formed the world’s first Fat Police unit.  They’re mission:  arrest the obese.

The Obama Administration announced yesterday that they have formed a special law enforcement squad that will work under the direction of the FBI.   This police unit will be charged with arresting people who are obese and forcing them to eat healthy – or else go to jail.

The first FPU (Fat Police Unit) is made up of 12 former elite SWAT team members.  The Obama Administration hopes to have over 500 hundred FPUs around the country by the middle of February. “We are creating jobs and keeping Americans fit at the same time,” White House Press Secretary Jay Carney reportedly said.

FPUs will have wide-ranging authority when it comes to the obese (defined as anyone 20 pounds overweight or more).   FPUs will patrol the streets, schools and office buildings.  If they spot a citizen that is obese eating anything containing sugar, fat or carbs (anything other than fruits, vegetables and tofu), then they have the federal authority to arrest that person – or fine them (fines start at $2,000 per warning).

The Obama Administration said that it will be creating over two dozen Federal Fat Farms (detention centers), in which those arrested for “fat crimes” will be held captive until they get their BMI levels below 30 (optimal BMI is below 25).

“Bad Eaters” (as the FP call them) will also be forced to workout 5-6 hours every day while on the Fat Farms.

Here are the first few detainees of the world’s first Fat Farm detention center.  They were forced to run around a track for six straight hours.

The Governor of New Jersey, Chris Christie, has come out strongly against this new FBI unit.  ”This feels like Big Brother overreaching.  Fat people are often not fat by choice.  It’s often genetic. And the government has no business telling people what to eat.”

Chris Christie was the first person arrested by the FP for being obese.  However, he was not sent to the fat farm, but was brought to the Oval Office. President Obama gave him a warning – “stop eating DingDongs.”

Obama also gave Christie a signed picture of the two men walking on a tarmac in New Jersey.   “Use this picture as inspiration,” Obama reportedly told Christie.  ”You need to look like me.”

Reports are that a depressed Oprah, who has recently “let herself go” because of her failing TV network was also arrested.   Here’s her mugshot:

Can the federal government really force you to eat fruits and vegetables every day?  Can they really arrest you for not eating right?

Well, there are already legal challenges to the Fat Police and early next year the Supreme Court will decide whether Obama’s “skinny mandate” is constitutional.

Most Supreme Court watchers think that they Fat Police mandate will be upheld by the Supreme Court.  ”We count 7 skinny justices and 2 fat ones, Scalia and Thomas, so it should pass,” said Supreme Court watcher Professor Robert Rinderman of the University of Virginia.

This woman better run for her life:

Bad guys have a new weapon: Donut Trail Mugging (DTM). Obese people nationwide are falling for the con.

“Basically the mugger spots a likely fat victim, walks 20 yards in front of them, and stealthily drops a trail of donuts or donut holes,” says senior New York police officer, Bob Bontempo.

“The mark eagerly follows the trail and is busy gobbling down donuts, they don’t notice that it leads into a dark alley,”  Bontempo said.

“Once in the alley, the victim is mugged.”  Bontempo said went on to say that the victim usually finishes ALL the donuts in the area before reporting the robbery to police.

Although DTMs usually involve donuts, other treats have been used in other parts of the country: Twinkies are popular on the West Coast, marshallow Moonpies in the South.

Worried cops say at least 8,000 cases are being pursued nationwide – but the number is much higher because many of the donut muggings are going unreported.

“It’s embarrassing to admit you’ve been duped this way,” said Detective Charles Walton.  “A lot of the victims don’t even want to press charges – they don’t want their families to find out they were breaking their diets, that they were lured in by a glazed donut.”

Victim rights experts say police agencies bear some of the responsibility for the rash of donut muggings.

I’ve had many DTM cases where the police asked a lot of snide questions,” said Claudia Amato, a Detroit counselor, “like ‘What were you doing scarfing down donuts when you say you were on your way to a Weight Watchers meeting?’ or ‘Did you ever think of just not picking up the donuts?’

“It’s a classic blame-the-victim-attitude,” Amato said.

One of her DTM cases, a 39-year-old salesman who busts the scales at 350 pounds, said his attack was the most frightening and humiliating experience of my life.  To use a persona’s greatest weakness against him like that, well, it’s unconscionable.

“I admit I could have just ignored the donuts, but look – they were double-jelly Krispy Kremes, right out of the oven. I defy anyone to pass those up under any circumstances.”

“I must have picked up eight or 10 of them before I realized I was in a dark alley and suddenly there was a man demanding that I hand over my wallet.  I wasn’t about to resist. He could’ve had a gun.

“Besides, after all that bending over to pick up the donuts, I just didn’t have the strength.”

The obese are being warned to call local authorities immediately if they notice suspicious donuts on the ground.

“That goes for things like cheeseburgers and French fries too,” says the New York cop.  “Once the word gets out, these jerks are likely to change their tactics and we don’t want to have a whole new set of enticements to warn fat people about.

WASHINGTON -  Under Obamacare, doctors can now refuse obese patients. And they are doing it!

Obstetrics-gynecology practices across the country have set weight limits for new patients.

If you’re obese – you will not be allowed to schedule an appointment.  If you try to come to the office, you will be thrown out.
Doctors said the main reason was their exam tables or other equipment can’t handle people over a certain weight, but at least six said heavy women run a higher risk of complications.

“People don’t realize the risk we’re taking by taking care of these patients,” the newspaper quoted Dr. Albert Triana of South Miami as saying. ”There’s more risk of something going wrong and more risk of getting sued. Everything is more complicated with an obese patient in GYN surgeries and in pregnancies,” he told WWN.

Under Obamacare, it is not  illegal for doctors to refuse overweight patients, and according to the Michelle Obama Rider to the Affordable Healthcare Bill, doctors MUST refuse to care for obese patients.

“People need to know that obesity will NOT be tolerated in our society any longer,” said First Lady Michelle Obama.

Weight cutoffs have already been enacted by doctors in thirty-one states.  Many who have long complained about high numbers of lawsuits after difficult births and high rates for medical-malpractice insurance.

So for all those that are overweight and obese – you’re on your own from now on!

LOS ANGELES, CA – Following a New Year’s telethon for pets in need, Tonya The World’s Fattest Cat had a falling out with co-host Ricky Gervais.

Gervais has come under fire this week for comments he made on the telethon and in recent stand-up routines about “fat people” that some people think are going too far.

Calling overweight people “lazy pigs,” Gervais has asserted that obesity is a choice.  On the show, Gervais held up a 4-month-old Siamese kitten looked at Tonya and said, “Before I met you, I never knew these came in triple extra large.”

Tonya’s handlers abruptly entered a shot and declared, “Ricky Gervais doesn’t care about fat people.”

On his blog, Gervais responded to allegations of hate-mongery, claiming, “Of course I care about fat people!  I’m a fatty; most of England is fatties and many Americans too.   As long as they keep supporting me, I will support them.  And all nine of their chins.”

Gervais said he tried reaching out to Tonya to make amends.

Through her Twitter page, Tonya replied, “Sunday 4:17pm: Totally ignoring his calls.  Not letting him ruin my ham and cheese break.”  As well as, “Monday 8:39am: Not returning that email.  Paws full of spam.”

“I know what she’s doing here: playing hard to get,” Gervais said on his blog.  “She thinks the longer she avoids me, the more intently I’ll pursue her.  I wish I could say its not working.  But it is!”

“Now I don’t just want her forgiveness, I want her.  She’s made me fall in love with a fatty!”