LONDON — Royal damage control is in full effect!  The Royals have learned that Kate Middleton was actually born in 1975!

Today, January 9th, is the Berkshire-born bride-to-be’s birthday. But how old is she???

Even Prince William isn’t sure! According to unofficial records and Kate’s own statements, she was born in 1982 – making her 29 today. But new hospital documents have surfaced and indicate she was actually born in 1975 – making her 36 years old today. Prince Charles is demanding the truth and is waiting to release an official “Birthday Greeting.”

Insiders speculate that Camilla, Princess of Wales, feeling intimidated and overshadowed in light of the pending wedding, is behind the shocking leak.

Sweetheart couple William and Kate should be celebrating and planning their April 29th wedding at Westminster Abbey. Instead, they have been dutifully parading themselves around London hot spots, behaving as youthful and carefree as possible in an effort to convince the public and the rest of the royal family that Kate is who she says she is.

William will be 29 on June 21st. His birth date is very well-documented.

Kate the Younger?

Reporters have been camped out in front of Middleton’s childhood home in Berkshire since Saturday morning.

Kate the Elder?

Late Saturday night, Middleton’s father, who founded the party supplier Party Pieces with his wife, yelled from the second story window of their large tudor house. “Leave the girl alone! She’s innocent!”

Reporters pressed the tipsy father for details. “Innocent of what?” asked an OK! journalist.

The increasingly irate father replied, “She’s still young, not even forty! Plenty of time to give birth to an heir!”

It’s not clear at this point what an age cover-up would mean for Kate. Her future duchess-ness is clearly at stake.

NEW YORK, NY – The humanity! The horror! Fashion week knows no mercy!

Fashion week is to fashion as the Super Bowl is to football. Few events bring together a bigger collection of designers, models and socialites as does fashion week. It’s the biggest thing in fashion and thousands flock to see the spectacle. What people won’t tell you, however, is that fashion week is heartless. To make room for this year’s event – 56 trees were massacred! Say it ain’t so!

The Mercedes-Benz Fashion week has a new home this year – Lincoln Center. An estimated 100,000 buyers, editors, stylists and celebrities will visit the new location. With the trees in the way, the big white tents could be appropriately situated.

“Fashion designers are truly creative people. It’s not just a business when it comes to these collections,” said Stephanie Winston Wolkoff, Lincoln Center’s liaison.

Yea … creative and destructive. What monsters!

Workers chopped down 56 towering, beautiful trees deemed “dead” or “declining in the city park next to Lincoln Center, and tore out 11 more to transplant elsewhere. At least their is a shred of humanity in these people.

Parks Department spokeswoman Vickie Karp described the mass aborcide this way: “56 declining trees were removed, many from planters, and 11 healthy trees were transplanted. These trees would have been removed during redevelopment of Lincoln Center and the park in any event.”

She said 100 new trees have been planted around Lincoln Center and promised 340 more trees in Damrosch Park and surrounding streets in coming months.

Regardless, there is an uproar over the move.

“You don’t destroy them,” a landscape architect said. “You water them.”

Councilwoman Melissa Mark-Viverito, who heads the Council’s Parks and Recreation Committee, called cutting down the trees “outrageous.”

“When you talk about all the pomp and circumstance the mayor is giving to planting all these trees and you hear something like this – it doesn’t jibe,” she said.

Finally Muslim women can enjoy public swimming while following Islamic law with the burkini!

Made in the strictest accordance with Sharia law each burkini is designed to protect its wearer from chaffing, overheating, the eyes of men, and the wrath of Allah.  Each burkini is made in special factories that are blessed by Imams from whole trade materials, so they are Halal and planet friendly.  Each item is printed with Islamic friendly designs, and prayed over that the wearer will show sound judgement in the face of temptation.

The seasonal hit of the Muslim fashion world has finally arrived in Europe amid controversy.  This week a muslim woman in the Paris suburb of Emerainville was banned from a public pool for wearing her burkini.  The woman claims it was discrimination, while city officials claim it was breaking the “mandatory thong” French dress code.  Manufacturers of the burkini insist, “they were simply jealous of her fashionable yet god-fearing attire.”

Thanks to its innovative design Muslim women and albinos can now enjoy fun in the sun like anybody else.  Keep an eye out for the burkini at your local swimming establishment.

SYDNEY – Horses wearing hair extensions? Is this the new fashion fad to take the equine world by storm?

Julian Wolkenstein, an Australian advertising photographer, decided to take some time to work on a fun personal project. “The idea for these images came from a discussion with a friend who said, ‘Hey wouldn’t it be fun to shoot horses with big hair?’,” said Sydney-born Wolkenstein, 36.

Wolkenstein worked with hair-stylist Acacio da Silva to create and attach the hair extensions to the horses’ manes. “Each horse took around four hours to groom, with hair extensions being added by Acacio, and then when they were presented in front of the camera’s and lights they would shake their heads, give a neigh and then ruffle up their hair,” said Julian.

“The horses loved the grooming. The lights and camera, well, they were less taken with that.”

“Apart from casting horses and preparation work which took a few months, each horse took a full day to shoot.”

Wolkenstein’s next project also involves hair, of a different sort: beards. You can check out more of his work at http://www.julianwolkenstein.com/

BEVERLY HILLS, CA – Lindsay Lohan needs counseling, not a restraining order.

After an eventful and dramatic evening at the Chateau Marmont on Friday, the Ronson family is placing a restraining order on Ms. Lohan.

Lohan, Samantha Ronsons ex-girlfriend, has gone insane! Samantha’s family held an intervention last week to express their deep concern while encouraging Sam to stay clear of the “drug-induced” Lohan.

Insiders from the Beverly Hills Police Department overheard Ronson’s mother and sister, designer Charlotte, talking to a clerk Monday afternoon about how to “send a message” to Lohan to inform her of the nasty news.
The BHPD clerk apparently told the duo that a restraining order would be the “best option.” If Lindsay “violates it, then she gets taken away.”

Charlotte had nothing but wonderful words to say about Lohan. “She does these things to get attention… She was trying to get into my party this weekend. We had had to tell security to keep her out. Then she booked a room at the Chateau Marmont. Her room was right below [us]… She also followed our brother Mark around.”
“Lindsay was doing drugs,” Ann continued. “She got up illegally to our room… She does these acts of public humiliation. It is all for attention,” Charlotte continued.

Is Lindsay really trying that hard to fit in with the Ronson family? We think Lohan needs to spend some quality time with PhD Ape. His insight and inspiration will surely straighten her up and get her back on the right track!
PhD Ape is the answer – NOT a fourth time at rehab.

http://perezhilton.com/2009-04-07-ronson-family-to-file-restraining-order-against-lohan