NORTH PORT, FL — A retiree in southwestern Florida has reported that aliens have taken residence in his backyard.

Five encounters in the last four months have forced Michael Rowley, a retired Vietnam vet, and his son Shane, to welcome their uninvited guests to the neighborhood.

“Well, I’m retired and I thought this was where you’re supposed to go,” Michael said. “The only bad part is the aliens around here.”

Florida’s warm temperatures and tropical climate is a draw for many American retirees and apparently word has spread to the far reaches of the galaxy.

The Rowleys’ extraterrestial inconveinence has the attention of MUFON – Mutual UFO Network. The group is investigating and wants to setup surveillance. But Michael believes they won’t show up if cameras are around.

He says, “They want the same thing all of us retiree’s want. Peace and quiet so we can enjoy our twilight years. I highly doubt they’ll be coming out for photoshoots just to satisfy your curiosity.”

When they do come out in public Michael says he believes they come in peace and that they’re here for a reason.

“The sun here is a huge draw. Not many places in space have the kind of sun we do here. Florida is known for it, after all.”

PHOENIX, AZ – With the beginning of another school-year approaching, it’s been reported that space aliens have enrolled in local colleges and universities. However, we can learn to spot these creatures with help from leading expert Dr. Karl Bauer.

Bauer explains, “By learning to see through their disguises, we’ll be able to track their movements and make sure their intentions are honorable.”

Whether or not these alien’s motives are evil in nature is still in question, but Dr. Bauer remains rather conflicted:  “We know for a fact that thousands of them have arrived on Earth over the past few years. They have enrolled in colleges and universities in order to learn more about mankind and our culture. I’m not in a poition to say whether that is good or bad.”

How can YOU identify extraterrestrials on your campus? Dr. Bauer has compiled a list of traits and quirks that may give away an alien visitor:

• Mismatched clothing. Aliens have little to no understanding of human fashion. They might wear tuxedos with a bathing suit, socks of different colors — or striped skirts with paisley blouses.
• Bizarre eating habits. Aliens may try to eat soup or peas with a knife or guzzle poisionous liquids like ammonia or kerosene.
• Flawed sense of humor. E.T.’s are notorious for telling jokes that no one understands.  They also tell the same bad jokes over and over.
• Fear or hatred of music. Aliens often find Earth music shrill or difficult to understand. They won’t hesitate to turn off a radio — even when it doesn’t belong to them.
• Misuse of telephones. Though it’s not clear why, aliens often answer phones that aren’t ringing — or continue to hold the handset to their ears hours after they party they were talking to has hung up.
• Unwarranted fascination with machines. Space aliens may spend hours staring at a clock or watch — or stare in stunned silence at a children’s toy gyroscope.

TOOELE, NV – According to former Air Force engineer Scott Rasla, America’s latest warplane isn’t entirely of this earth.

“I worked for five years on the Nightstar Hypersonic Bomber project,” Rasla told Weekly World News, “and I can assure you that our military has copied every detail from extraterrestrials—right down to the third armrest on the pilot’s seat.

“I won’t even get into what the bathroom looks like,” Rasla said.

Air Force spokesman Colonel Douglas Snaud dismissed the design details as the latest in combat ergonomics.

“Commanding a high-altitude bombing raid is a stressful job,” Col. Snaud said. “We want our pilots to have a selection of comfortable armrests.”

But Colonel Snaud’s explanation leaves a few Nightstar mysteries untouched. “What about the cattle-shaped gunsight?” Rasla wondered. “Or the antimatter propulsion system?”

“Look,” Col. Snaud insisted. “These were created by terrestrial engineers for terrestrial pilots on terrestrial missions. To put it another way, the rumors of this plane’s alien origin are powered by the simplest propulsive source of all: a crank.”

ETs powers rival those of Moses parting the Red Sea!

VATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict XVI has quietly named a shape-shifting space alien to minister to the needs of the faithful in an as-yet unnamed parish in the southwestern United States.

And even though it remains unclear where the bulb-headed extraterrestrial will set up shop, Vatican insiders acknowledge that it “may not be far” from mysterious Area 51, the U.S. military’s UFO-related secret base in Groom Lake, Nev.

Little is known about the space-alien priest’s background. And when it comes to discussing details, church sources in the Vatican and at U.S. Catholic dioceses have been unusually tight-lipped.

But secular experts with Vatican ties have learned that a human priest saved the creature’s life after finding its mangled body in the wreckage of a “space pod” that crashed near Mexico City in 1997.

Schooled in the ways of Catholics during what seems to have been a long and painful recovery, the space alien — apparently at the behest of the pope himself — agreed to devote his life to God, say the sources.

Intriguingly, the extraterrestrial is said to have capacities and powers that rival those used by important Bible figures like Moses, who parted the Red Sea and turned walking sticks into snakes, and Jesus, who raised the dead, turned water to wine, fed a hungry crowd of thousands with just seven loaves and fishes and even controlled the weather to prove that God was indeed His father.

According to one source, the space alien can “lift and twirl” objects as large as tractor trailers just by looking at them and opening his pancake-sized eyes wide.

He also can “shape shift” — having demonstrated a peculiar fascination with turning himself into dishes and silverware in addition to appearing as ordinary men and women of every description.

On one surprising occasion, he is said to have hobbled into the Vatican as the double of Pope Benedict XVI, who is reported to have been “delighted” by the devout extraterrestrial’s fun-loving sleight of hand.

And those powers aren’t the only thing that sets the creature apart from humans.

Sources have learned he has at least three hearts — two of which reside in his buttocks — and “feeds” on electricity he procures by poking a long, skinny finger into a wall socket.

“But what truly sets him apart is his devotion to the pope and to God,” says a Vatican source. “He has memorized the Bible and can recite it verbatim.

“Even more importantly, he absolutely adores humans and wants to help them find the righteous way of Jesus Christ.”

Nobody knows if the priest will reveal himself as a space alien to his flock, although the Vatican insider says, “It’s not really all that important for people to know.”

Nor is it clear whether the extraterrestrial clergyman will minister to the needs of other space aliens.

“As he grows in his ministry, his methodology and broader purpose will become clear,” says a Washington-based secular observer who promises “to watch this ministry” closely.