WASHINGTON, DC – The Super Congress met in secret last night. Word leaked that they will make the stock market rise and heal the earth!

Last night, the Super Congress, whose members have not yet been announced to the public, met and decided that the will not only  find $1.5 trillion in cuts over the next decade (which they were tasked to do), but they will also make the stock rise to 13,000 in the next month.

On Monday, President Barack Obama said that he hoped the committee would be able to find common ground and take a collaborative approach, in light of the decision by Standard & Poor’s to downgrade the United States’ debt and Monday’s subsequent market selloff.

But sources close to these extraordinary superhumans, who have have put on the committee, not only found common ground, they have found a way to get the stock market roaring back.

“The ideas they 12 members of The Super Congress were discussing were even better than the ideas the founding fathers had,” said on Congressional aide who was lucky enough to overhear a few words.

“I was in tears,” said another aide.  “The Super Congress is going to save America and the world.  Our children and grandchildren will have much better lives than we do, thanks to the Super Congress.  God Bless the Super Congress.”

The names of the Super Congress have not been released for fear of public reaction.

But one member of The Super Congress told Frank Lake of WWN, “Have no fear.  The Super Congress will restore America to greatness… by Labor Day!”  The anonymous member of The Super Congress went on to say that fixing the American economy was the easy part, “we will also heal the earth, feed all the starving people in the world and solve the mystery of high heels.”

The Super Congress plans to raise over $50 trillion dollars, without making any cuts and without any new taxes.  “I wish I had a Super Congress brain,” said ex-Senator Evan Bayh.  “These men and women are miracle makers.”  Rick Perry, Governor of Texas, said that it was his prayers over the weekend that “instilled brilliance in The Super Congress.  “The Lord answered my prayers, and the Super Congress will save our country.”

Meanwhile, President Barack Obama had another successful night of fundraising.  “Why not, fundraise?” said Jay Carney.  “The Super Congress will save us all.”

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WASHINGTON, DC -  Nancy Pelosi went on all the news shows to make a proclamation:  the world will end on August 2nd!

“What we’re trying to do is save the world from the Republican budget. We’re trying to save life on this planet as we know it today.”

Nancy Pelosi is convinced that there will NOT be an agreement on raising the debt ceiling by Tuesday.

“This will call the U.S. to default and the world financial markets will collapse,” Pelosi said.  “That will leave to a total collapse of everything we have ever known.”  Pelosi predicted that the markets collapsing will then cause the riots and revolutions and… then there will be volcanoes, earthquakes, “and the earth’s core will explode.”

Pelosi said the earth will explode into a “gazillion pieces” by midnight on Tuesday.  “If we do not raise the debt ceiling – life will end, the earth and the universe will cease to exist.”

Pelosi is also predicting an extremely painful – but quick – death for every individual on the planet.

“If the debt ceiling isn’t raised, most people will experience horrific pains in their brains and hearts.  These pains will grow in intensity until the brain and heart explode.  The explosion will hurt even more.  We must raise the debt celing.”

Who does Pelosi blame for the end of the world and the death of every citizen of earth?

The Tea Party.

“The Tea Party has ruined the world.  When the history of the universe is written, the Tea Party will be the villains that caused the world as we know it to end.  The Tea Party, collectively, is Satan.

Pelosi ended her press conference by saying, “have a nice day.”

CAMBRIDGE, MA – A groundbreaking study has determined that 83% of the members of Congress are certified morons!

The Kennedy School of Government did a longitudinal study over the last 30 years that looked at the average IQ of members of Congress – the Senate & House of Representatives.

The study found that, despite the many advanced degrees from prestigious universities, and despite the fact that many in Congress are millionaires, the average IQ of U.S. Representatives is 101.   The average IQ of U.S. Senators, is surprisingly, even lower at 98.

“We spent one hour a month with each member of Congress over the last thirty years.  We gave them a number of IQ tests – including math problems, verbal problems and analytic reasoning problems.  The results were consistent year-in-year out.  Members of Congress are morons,” said Professor Thomas Turley of Harvard.

So what is a moron?  A moron is a person whose IQ is less than 100 on a consistent basis.

The lowest IQs were typically the leaders of the two-parties.

In response to the study, Senator Harry Reid said, “Is that bacon?”

John Boehner said, “Hand me a tissue.”

Nancy Pelosi said that she would have to read the study before she could make a comment on it.  But, before reading it, she said that she thought it was “stupid.”  People who do studies at Harvard are stupid.  It’s just stupid to do studies about morons. Who funded this?”

Nancy Pelosi approved the funding of  The Moron Study back in 2009.

83% is a large number of morons, but is it the same percentage in the general population?

“Only 7% of normal citizens are certified morons,” said John Murtaugh, the leader of the Harvard Study.  “Except in Hollywood.  The rate there is close to 49%, but that’s still nowhere near the level we find in Congress.”

So, why do Americans keep electing morons?

“Morons have one common strength: the ability to dupe intelligent people.”

Many are suggesting that potential candidates be given an IQ test BEFORE they are allowed to run for Congress.

But that idea was shot down by Congress.

Morons.

WASHINGTON, DC – President Obama called a “Peas Summit” to reignite the debt ceiling talks.

On a Senate Floor Speech on Public Debt President Obama told his “Republican friends” that it is “time to eat our peas and pass debt deal.”

To that end, the President is inviting Speaker of the House, John Boehner, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, Vice President Joe Biden and House Budget Committee Chairman to the White House for a “Pea Summit.”

“I want us to sit down and eat our peas together.”  The President feels that a symbolic “eating of the peas” will help bring the two sides together and “get it down.”  Michelle Obama was quick to point out that “eating peas” will help control obesity in the lawmakers.  She will be serving the peas to the guests.

“Pea soup, pea-pea platter and pea pie are on the menu,” the First Lady said.

John Boehner isn’t happy about eating his peas:

President Obama is still seeking the largest deficit reduction deal possible as part of a package deal to raise the debt ceiling.

“I continue to push congressional leaders for the largest possible deal,” he said from the White House. “It is possible for us to construct a package that would be balanced, would share sacrifice [and] would involve both parties taking on their sacred cows.”

“We are going to get this done by August 2,” he said.  “We will eat our peas.”

The president and his economic team have repeatedly warned of catastrophic consequences for the U.S. and global economy if Congress does not increase the debt ceiling — the amount of money that the U.S. government is technically allowed to borrow — by August 2. Republicans have insisted on creating a deficit and debt reduction plan as a condition of voting to raise the $14.3 trillion debt ceiling.

“I’ve been hearing from my Republican friends for some time it is a moral imperative to tackle our debt and deficits in a serious way,” Mr. Obama said. “What I’ve said to them is, let’s go.”

The President said that he will also gives his guests at the Pea Summit a band-aid and together they will rip their band-aids off in a symbolic gesture of “getting it done.”

“We will rip out band-aids off, then we will eat our peas,” the President told reporters.  “We will burn a candle at both ends, keep the ball rolling and if I have to I’ll put a sock in it.  I want this done.”

White House Press Secretary, Jay Carney, said the President is prepared to eat peas “until the cows come home.”

The “Eat Your Peas” Summit will happen in the Rose Garden of the White House on Friday July 16th at 4pm – Pea Time.

WASHINGTON -  A day after reading the U.S. Constitution, Republicans will read the Bible in the house floor.

After Republicans finished reading the U.S. Constitution on the house floor, Speaker of the House, John Boehner, announced they would follow-up today with full reading of the King James version of The Bible.

Every Democrat in the House objected to the Speaker’s decision, many of them citing the separation of Church and State.

“The U.S. Constitution was based on the Bible.  Our founding fathers wanted the Bible to be an important part of daily life for members of Congress.  I intend to have The Bible read, in its entirety, at least once a  year, as long as I am Speaker of the House,” said John Boehner.

As lawmakers prepared for the first-ever reading of the Bible on the House floor, a brief debate erupted Thursday over exactly which portions of it should be read – and who should read it.

“We’re reading it all.  From alpha to omega,” said Boehner.

Eric Cantor (R-VA), the only Jewish Republican in the House, will get things started by reading Genesis. John Boehner has decided to read Exodus – “I feel a bit like Moses.  I want to lead my people out of tyranny and oppression.  I want to bring the two parted sides of the Red Sea, Republican and Democrat, together and lead them to the Promised Land of small government.”

Paul Ryan (R-WI), the head of the Budget Committee will read the Book of Numbers, right after Darryl Issa (R-CA), the Chairman of the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform reads Leviticus.

Former Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi has requested that she read the Book of Job.  She’ll be wearing a traditional Muslim head scarf when she does so.

Although many viewed the reading of The Bible as a nod to the conservative “tea party” movement, which pushes for a return to a more religious government, many Democrats are fighting to read the part of Jesus, when Congress makes it to The New Testament.

“Barack Obama will read the Jesus passages,” said outgoing White House Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs.  President Obama wants to re-establish his Christian roots and as Gibbs went on to say, “there is nobody else in America more qualified to read the part of Jesus than Barack Obama.”

There are many, many Senators and Congressmen vying to read the role of Judas.  As of this writing, no decision was made.

But rest assured when John Boehner hears Michele Bachmann read Psalms, there will be weeping and wailing.

If you have any suggestions for passages of the Bible that a certain member of Congress should read, please comment here and we will forward to John Boehner.

RICHMOND, VA – One politician is putting some power back in the hands of the people!

Republican Whip Eric Cantor has spearheaded an innovative, first-of-its-kind project. “You Cut,” introduced two days ago, is a project constructed in the wake of the ongoing efforts for economic recovery.

According to Cantor, the project is designed to defeat the permissive culture of runaway spending in Congress. It will allow people to vote, both online and on through their cell phone, on spending cuts they want to see the House enact.

“Together we can begin to change Washington’s culture of spending into a culture of saving,” says Cantor.

By going on the website, citizens can select from featured initiatives that they believe should no longer be funded by the federal government. For this week’s voting, the site lists five programs that could see their end soon – the Presidential Election Fund, “Taxpayer Subsidized Union Activities,” a HUD program for doctoral dissertations, a welfare program and community development block grants for “wealthier communities.”

Each week, the House Economic Recovery Solutions Group will post new proposals they feel are wasteful. asking site visitors to vote on which one they think are the worst. “The first winner” would be announced Monday. Later next week, House Republicans will take an up-or-down vote on the spending cuts that got the most online votes.

WASHINGTON, DC – Sparking bipartisan outrage on the Hill, House Minority Whip Eric Cantor admitted to skipping President Obama’s press conference to “Get his dance on.”

Cantor of Virginia is a Republican member of the House of Representatives and rising star in the minority party has reportedly hurt his standing within the party by not joining his delegation at the President’s nationally televised press conference.

“Republicans are getting hammered on the economy,” House Minority Leader John Boehner told reporters following the conference.  “I’m disapointed that every member of the House Republicans were not able to make it tonight and join in solidarity as we craft our message in response to the President’s proposals.”

As the news of Cantor’s whereabouts Tuesday night began making the rounds on the Hill Wednesday afternoon, Boehner was unavailable for comment, but a staffer requesting anonymity, told the Weekly World News that his boss was, “Crazy jealous.  He loves Brit Brit.  And that presser was bo-ring to the max.”

When the news first came out, many expected Cantor to shy from the spotlight and try to play down the information.  Surprisingly, that was not the case.

“I will not lie about it,” Cantor said in a statement to the press.  “I did skip the Economic press conference last night in order to attend the Britney Spears Circus Tour concert.  And I don’t regret that decision in the least.  It was insane!  Anyone who says Brit is not back in top form is just delusion.  She’s beautiful, she’s talented, and let me tell you, she knows how to work the whip!”

Asked if he thought his actions would harm his parties ability to stand up to the President and if his own credibility at home would take a hit, Cantor was equally forthcoming.

“Playa please.  Constituents want their representatives to be hipper, to be with it.  That is clear.  Economics are dull.  You think the majority of Virginia voters would choose to watch a the press ask questions on TV over going to see a kickin’ live show featuring a beautiful girl sing great music?”

“Last night, I lived the American dream and my colleagues and constituents will reward me in kind.  Just you wait.”