LOS ANGELES, LA – Going on its ninth season, Ellen DeGeneres was certainly a breathe of fresh air for American Idol!

The host of “The Ellen DeGeneres Show”, stepped outside of her comfort zone and took her position as the new judge for this season’s American Idol. If her first appearance last night is a sign of things to come, than this should be a very good ninth season. Known for her quick wit and funnylady persona, fans were certainly delighted with her debut as the singing competition’s fourth judge.

Ellen responded to comments of not having enough experience in the music biz by saying, “I know what it’s like to stand on stage trying to please a roomful of people.” Ellen didn’t hold back or feel overwhelmed and she got right to work. Using her comedy as a crutch, she was honest with the contestants. Saying about one, “You were like a leopard behind a cage.” To another contestant, “It was crazy – in a bad way.”

As has been reported, this will be Simon Cowell’s last season as judge. A regular walking hallmark card, who has been known for his harsh criticisms. Towards the beginning of the show, Simon and Ellen shared a moment. “So this is it, huh?” Ellen whispered to Simon. “I come on, you leave.”

The “American Idol” faithful were more than pleased with her debut. Many rushed to their Twitter and Facebook pages to sing her praises. Some admitted that they only tuned in to watch her debut. “Ellen Completely met my expectations,” said Dave Della Terza, founder of VoteForTheWorst.com. Andy Dehnhart, lecturer at Stetson University, said,”She excels as a talk show host and it she keeps up what she did tonight, she’ll easily establish herself as the best judge.”

Two highlights of the evening were Lilly Scott, a sandwich maker, who did Ella Fitzgerald’s “Lullaby Of Birdland” much justice. Also Michael Lynche, a personal trainer and expecting his first child, who pleased the crowd with John Mayer’s “Waiting on the World to Change.”

HAMPTONS, NY – The demands on his time proving to be too great this week for individual attention, PhD invited three of his clients to a group therapy session at his posh oceanside retreat.

Lindsay Lohan, Dog The Bounty Hunter and Susan Boyle are each on their way from Los Angeles, Atlanta, and London respectively to join PhD Ape, therapist to the stars, at his summer home in the Hamptons. There, they will enjoy a relaxing long weekend of walking on the beach, poolside barbecues and group therapy.

“While I typically stress the importance of extensive one-on-one interaction with my clients, sometimes it is even more beneficial to put several clients in a room together so that they gain the unique insight of each other’s experiences,” PhD Ape said during a conference call to reporters.

“This is one of those times.”

Lindsay Lohan, one of the media’s prime targets as of late, especially after her high profile breakup with lesbian lover, Samantha Ronson, is said to have called PhD Ape following a night of partying.

“I received a call from Lindsay very early in the morning, it couldn’t have been later than five in the morning.” PhD Ape said.  “She was crying and she told me that she needed things to change.  She wanted her reputation and her career and her money back.”

“I said, Lindsay, come stay with me this weekend.  I’m getting some people together, and I think it will be very good for you.”

Dog the Bounty Hunter, no stranger to mixed press himself, found himself in the news after being shot at during a failed attempt at apprehending a suspected murderer.

“Usually the one doing the shooting, Dog was very shaken up at literally have the gun turned on him,” PhD ape continued during the conference call.

“It’s been a long time since Dog has called me for help or guidance, but we are good friends and my home is open to him this weekend as well.”

“Dog, in the prime of his career, and Lindsay seemingly at the end of hers, are great counterparts to help me give guidance and support to my newest client, Ms. Susan Boyle.”

Internet darling turned reality-TV star, Boyle, famous for her singing in YouTube videos, has found the limelight of fame to be more invasive than she imagined.

“Its a big contrast from singing by yourself in your living room to being featured on one of Britain’s most popular television programs.  And to now have the British paparazzi camped outside her home, it’s very overwhelming for Susan.”

“I think she can learn a lot from Dog and Lindsay.  On the surface these three have little in common, but at the heart of it, their concerns are the same.”

“Lindsay is the poster child for what not to do as a celebrity, and Susan needs to take those lessons to heart if she doesn’t want to end up washed out after just a few years of success.  And Lindsay herself can take some cues from Susan.  Her modesty and self-control, albeit very early in her career, I hope will inspire Lindsay to turn a leaf backwards and become that perky red headed little girl we all fell in love with so many years ago.”

“Proverbially, of course.”

Manigator has tossed Paris aside for a new overexposed celebrity.

Although reported to be dating the recently single Paris Hilton, it appears that Manigator has set his reptilian sights on the newest rumored single lady: Lindsay Lohan.

Lindsay began seeing British DJ Samantha Ronson this past year. While the press speculated on the nature of their relationship for some time, Lohan has recently been very open about the two being in love.

But recent reports of the Lindsay and Sam seeking couples counseling has led some to believe the relationship is on its way out. And the Manigator has spotted his way in! While unaware of Ellen’s preferences when he courted her, he has only been further tempted by Lindsay’s bisexuality and believes he can turn her to his interspecial ways.

Manigator has been showing up at Sam’s DJing nights wearing his own special swamp-brewed cologne, a mixture of rotting vegetation and moonshine. Thus far his efforts to persuade Lindsay have been moot, as evidenced by her latest Facebook post:

oy vey! rumors…

just to clear this up… because i have been getting a lot of emails asking me this one question.

manigator and lindsay lohan (me) are NOT getting together

i know what was published but i did NOT make out with him (it?) last night.

he got kicked out after like five minutes cause he bit a bouncer!

so over men. and half-men.

take care
xxLL

LOS ANGELES, CA – ABC has fired Bigfoot from the TV show “Grey’s Anatomy” as an act of minimizing on-air interspecial relationships.

At the beginning of the season, the Cryptids & Humanoids Alliance Against Defamation was applauding the show for showing an interspecial relationship in a positive and realistic way. CHAAD’s yeti president, Longtooth, said, “It was like a breath of fresh air, especially after that awful lizard man fetishist storyline on ‘Law & Order’ last year.”

However, CHAAD has quickly turned against “Grey’s Anatomy” after it was announced last week that Bigfoot would be getting the boot. ABC representatives issued this statement: “Bigfoot was obviously not fired for being in a relationship with a human. Unfortunately, we did not find that the magic and chemistry with Bigfoot’s character would sustain in the long run.”

CHAAD was not the only one left furious. On a recent appearance on the Ellen DeGeneres Show, co-star Patrick Dempsey explained through gritted teeth, ““I think his story line has come to an end. Thursday night is his last show, which is too bad, he has been a great character, and I don’t know what happened with that story line. They decided not to continue it for some reason.”

It was rumored that Bigfoot’s relationship would soon lead to a walk down the aisle, leaving the show to deal with the very controversial topic of different-species marriage. But it looks like we’ll never know.

LOS ANGELES, CA – Popular daytime talk show The Ellen DeGeneres Show was interrupted by infamous mutant, Manigator.

DeGeneres, dancing through the aisles, stopped to bust a move with a young couple, when Manigator emerged in typical fashion holding a lukewarm can of beer.

Initially undeterred by the abrasive mutant, DeGeneres humored Manigator by dancing with him.  Manigator mistook DeGeneres’ good nature for something more meaningful.

“He asked if I wanted to take him back to my trailer and share his beer,” DeGeneres told the audience after Manigator was ejected from the studio, “then he pinched my toosh.”

Things got even more out of hand following the drunken attempt at a pick up.  DeGeneres, dancing the whole time, told Manigator that she is in fact a married lesbian.

Manigator stopped dancing and threw his beer can to the ground.  He turned, bit a nearby audience member and ran through the studio to the nearest exit door screaming, “Prop 8!  Prop 8!”

DeGeneres apologized to her audience for the disruption and gave away free tickets to High School Musical 3 to show her regret for the ignorant outburst.