WASHINGTON – President Obama announced yesterday that he is canceling the 2012 elections, due to the jobs crisis.

In a speech delivered in Raleigh, North Carolina, President Obama made clear that there will be no new significant government measures to address the most severe jobs crisis since the Great Depression of the 1930s.

But he startled the crowd when he revealed his “one transformative idea”.  He told the crowd that he had a brilliant idea for reducing spending and for helping put Americans back to work.  He announced that he signed an Executive Order canceling this year’s midterm elections, scheduled for November 6th, 2012.

President Obama said in his speech that spending a millions of dollars on election campaigns is something that “Americans can’t afford. We need to put that money back into the economy.”  President Obama issued the Executive Order, effective immediately.  The President put a halt to all preparations being done for the November elections – on a local, state and federal levels.

“You don’t change horses in the middle of a raging stream,” said White House interim Chief of Staff Pete Rouse.  “The President feels that we need to keep the lawmakers we have in place, until his agenda is fully passed or the economy is turned around, whichever comes first.  If the elections were to go forward, the President is afraid that a new Congress will become gridlocked and he won’t be able to ram his agenda through.”

In his speech, Obama also trumpeted a plan for investment in infrastructure and transportation as a significant jobs program.  He said he would pay for the new  investment in transportation by taking all the money that the government would have spent on the midterm elections and putting that into union construction jobs.

“What’s the big deal?” said Bill Daley, Senior Advisor to the President. “There’s going to be elections in two years.  People can’t wait? We waste too much money on elections.”  Asked if the President would cancel the 2014 elections as well, Axelrod said, “That depends if the President can get the 22nd amendment repealed in the next two years.  If he can, then sure, he’ll let the elections go forward. Why not?”

Republicans were quick to denounce the Executive Order.  “He’s not a dictator, he can’t just cancel elections. This is an outrage,” said Senator John McCain.  But John McCain was seen laughing as he left the White House last night.  Some said Obama hugged a smiling McCain, then patted him on the butt.

Senator McCain’s campaign manager, Mark Buse, told WWN off the record (sorry Mark) that “Yeah, John’s happy that he gets to remain a Senator and he did make a back-room deal with Obama, but what am I going to do now?  I’m out of work.”    Lindsey Graham told Buse that he could “get a job on one of the new road projects Obama is setting up.  It’ll be good for you to work with your hands.”

So don’t worry about “rocking the vote” or “getting out the vote” or even just “voting” this November, 2012.   It’s canceled.  Come back in two years…

ALBANY – Andrew Cuomo voted and then went off and turned himself into Bat Boy!!

Andrew Cuomo didn’t go to the polls today to vote for herself… instead she wanted to join in the fun and Bat Boy herself!

Happy Election Day from WWN.   Andrew Cuomo knows that Bat Boy was the highlight of his year – 2010.   He was inspired by seeing the picture of Bat Boy in the East Village last Monday!

Cuomo wanted to know what he would look like as Bat Boy?
So  he did it.

Now for the first time check out the official Bat Boy Yourself facebook application from Weekly World News.

It’s live right NOW so click below and make someone smile on Election Day!

GO BAT BOY YOURSELF on FACEBOOK!!

And here’s a little Empire State of Mind for you.  Cuomo loves it and Bat Boy loves it:

NORTH CAROLINA -  Colleges across America are telling their students:  Vote Democrat or be expelled.

News broke today that students at staff at Winston-Salem State University in North Carolina received official emails from the University encouraging them to vote Democratic in this November’s midterm elections.  But students at the University also received a follow-up email that told students that if they did NOT vote democrat they would be expelled.

How would they know?

“The university expects the votes counted on polling stations on the university campus to be 100% for democratic candidates.  If there are any Republican votes, we will find out who those students were who voted the wrong way and those students will be expelled.”

This is the first blatant case of Voter Intimidation in modern history.   The Justice Department was swift to respond to these allegations.  “We are going to start a committee to look into whether we should open an investigation into the matter.  We hope to have this resolved by 2013.”

Meanwhile, reports have come in from colleges across America that university presidents have formed a pact to ensure that all college students in America vote Democrat.  “We decided that it is the best interests of our young people that they all vote for Democratic candidates.  The Tea Party has had a negative effect on Democratic policies and we want to give the Democrats a little help in keeping “sanity” in our country,” said  Brown president Gregory Hayes.

Republicans are outraged.  “We’ve long known that colleges were indoctrinating our students,” said RNC Chairman Michael Steele.  “But now they are crossing the line and committing voter fraud.”

“Typical Republicans.  Always whining about something,”  said Howard Dean, former Chairman of the DNC.  “Colleges are advanced institutions of learning.  They students are free to choose.   They can either pursue their degree or go out into the job force and try to get work.  It’s all about freedom.”

President Obama weighed in on the issue:  “We have to strike back at the Empire striking back.  And if college presidents want to set up a policy to help their students become better citizens, then I’m all for it.”

The New Black Panther Party has volunteered to help colleges across the country enforce the “Vote Democrat or Be Expelled” policy.

And you thought it was going to be a Republican landslide??

ATLANTA, GA – Following four extra weeks of campaigning, Democratic challenger, Jim Martin lost by an impressive 15 percent.

On Election Day, no single candidate received 50 percent of the votes plus one, so under Georgia election law, the race would bpe decided by a run-off election of the top two candidates, Martin and incumbent Republican Saxby Chambliss.

“This was an important race for the Democrats,” PhD Ape said in a statement early this morning, “with two races lingering and two seats away from a filibuster proof super-majority in the Senate, Democrats were fighting hard for Georgia.  Not only were their hopes of that majority dashed last night, so too were their hopes of Georgia turning blue.”

“Jim Martin is a good man and dedicated public servant.  He looks forward to continuing to serve the people of Georgia by doing… whatever it is he did before running for Senate.”

The run-off election brought out some of the brightest stars on both sides of the aisle.  Chambliss rolled out former Massachusetts’ Governor Mitt Romney as well as failed VP-candidate Sarah Palin.  Martin had the support of Vice President Al Gore in addition to political consultants Ludacris and TI.

Despite Ludacris’ confusing performance of his hit single ‘Politics’ in which he criticizes not only President Bush but also Hillary Clinton and John McCain, it was not enough to save Martin from an embarrassing loss.

SMITHDALE, VA – Since their defeat on Election Day, Republicans have questioned what will be the new direction of their party.

The party has been divided since John McCain’s defeat, searching for a figurehead to lead the charge against the democratic majority in Washington.

Karl Rove held a conference in his mountaintop castle to summon the next great conservative leader.

Rove, who acted as President Bush’s top advisor for years, has been communing with the dead and making deals with dark forces in his search for ways to secure Republican power.

A breakthrough was made on Tuesday and the political commentator sent notes attached to the legs of ravens requesting the presence of top conservatives.

Under Wednesday’s full moon, heads of the Republican Party gathered in a dark ritual to summon their next leader.

A séance was held with Pro-Life leaders and Focus on the Family members seated around the bones of Joseph McCarthy. Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh used a Ouija board to contact the spirit of Ronald Reagan. Copies of the Drudge Report were smeared with chicken’s blood and read backwards. Newt Gingrich attended via telecom. A dozen Young Republican virgins were sacrificed so Ann Coulter could bathe in their blood. At the stroke of midnight, Dick Cheney shot a man in the face, culminating the séance and hopefully opening a portal to summon the next great conservative leader.

The ritual failed, however, due to John Ashcroft substituting ketchup when they had run out of chicken’s blood.

It is believed Republicans will repeat this and other rituals until they find their parties next leader.

Current President Bush spent Wednesday evening at home playing Xbox.

]]> http://weeklyworldnews.com/topstory/3826/gop-gathers-to-summon-next-leader/feed/ 0 Reginald Cunningham III conservativeseance http://weeklyworldnews.com/topstory/3661/todd-palins-election-day-stunt/ http://weeklyworldnews.com/topstory/3661/todd-palins-election-day-stunt/#comments Tue, 04 Nov 2008 10:32:41 +0000 Reginald Cunningham III http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/?p=3661 ]]>

ANCHORAGE, AK – Todd Palin vows to jump 25 election booths with his snowmobile on Election Day.

Todd Palin believes the stunt will increase awareness and voter turnout in support of his wife’s Vice Presidential bid.  “Last time I did something like this I got a DUI, but this time I’m helping save America!”  Palin said, and then proceeded to yell excitedly with his supporters for seven minutes.

Palin is a four time snowmobile champion and works in Alaska’s oil industry.  He never received a degree, but during his short time at college was a member of the infamous Delta Lambda Mu fraternity, the only fraternity in America to be outlawed in an amendment to the U.S. Constitution.

Also he has been a vocal member of the Alaska Separatist Movement and a judge in the 2008 Miss Alaska competition, which he says he is “most proud of.”

When asked what role he would play in a McCain Palin administration, he stated that his formidable video game skills would make him a valuable asset as a military advisor.

Mr. Palin wanted to complete his jump across the state line, marking the fifth time he has ever left Alaska, however he has been labeled Persona Non Gratis by Canada due to an incident involving a missing Labatt Blue truck, several cases of maple syrup, and a psychologically traumatized moose.

Palin concluded his press conference, held at an Anchorage sports bar, by exclaiming “My hot wife’s gonna be king of the world!”  He then fell of the table and hit his head on a pinball machine.