Today is the autumn equinox. Usually, you can balance an egg.  Not this year.  What is going on?

For years people around the world have balanced eggs on the autumnal and vernal (spring) equinoxes. The autumnal equinox officially takes place at 1:18 p.m. EDT, which marks when the sun crosses the Earth’s equator, when there are both 12 hours of daytime and 12 hours of nighttime. It is at this time when many say eggs can be balanced on one end because of this is when gravity will be “balanced.”

Some have always felt that egg balancing is a trick and that the egg balancing on the equinoxes is a myth.  But multiple scientific sources have confirmed to WWN that this myth is a proven to be a fact.  You can ONLY balance an egg on the autumnal and vernal equinoxes.

“Today you should be able grab an egg and balance it on a table. You can do it easily.  On every other day of the year, it is impossible to get an egg to balance. It falls over. It doesn’t matter how patient you are, you won’t be able to.” said Phil Palaneux of NASA.

BUT, for some odd reason no eggs are balancing anywhere in the United States.  Many people in every state have tried to balance eggs, but they can’t?  What is the happening?

“It signals the end of times,” said astrologer Adriana Gucciero.  “Nostradamus predicted that when “eggs fall” that the third world war will begin.  It’s frightening.”   Many eschatologists agree with Gucciero and feel that the fact that eggs won’t balance, is a signal that the world is on an irreversible downward spiral.

“Hogwash. The world has been coming apart for the last ten years and it has nothing to do with eggs.  It’s all about uranium,” said physicist Franklin Mauber.

The Chinese were the first to notice that you could balance eggs on the vernal equinox, which is the first day of the Chinese solar calendar. Chinese insisted that the vernal equinox was the only day eggs could be balanced.  The ritual was popularized in a 1945 article in Life magazine.  But then scientists soon discovered that the eggs could also be balanced on the autumnal equinox.  “Richard Feynman made the discovery on September 21, 1953, after playing the bongos for five hours,” said Mauber.

Can you balance your fall egg?

WASHINGTON – President Obama declared today, August 18th,  “National Recall Day.”   So… send it back!

“Send it back!  Send it back!”  That was the chant heard on the National Mall today as hundreds of thousands of Americans gathered to celebrate National Recall Day.

The day got off to a bang with a massive egg recall. The official reason given was that there was a feared salmonella contamination in cartons which have the plants numbers P-1026, P-1413, and P-1946.  The unofficial reason is that… the government doesn’t want you to eat eggs today. They’re bad for you!  “Stay away from eggs, they’ll kill you!” shouted a hysterical Senator Al Franken.  Senator Franken was then pelted with over three thousand tainted eggs, which actually made him quite happy.  He put on on his old Saturday Night Live diaper and danced across the stage.

Next up was a recall of Mazda cars: Mazda3 and Mazda5.  The official reason given was that there may be a loss of power in the power steering while driving (why would that be a problem?) in cars built from April 2007 through November 2008. GM felt left out of the party so they recalled 250,000 crossover vehicles, the 2009-2010 Chevrolet Traverse, Buick Enclave, GMC Acadia and Saturn Outlook, and due to a seat belt problem.

The unofficial reason given by White House Staff was: “Cars cause climate change.  Don’t drive. Walk everywhere.”  Harry Reid gave a rousing speech about going back to the horse-and-buggy, “that’s when American was America and horses where horses!”

Then Julius Genachowski,  the 45-year-old head of the Federal Communications Commission took to the stage and announced the recall of radio talk show host Dr. Laura Schlessinger.  Genachowski told the crowd that it was not true that Dr. Laura quit.  “We recalled her. We can’t have people on the air saying things that we don’t like.  We’re going to put a stop to that from now on!”  The crowd erupted into a loud chant of “Send her back! Send her back!”  When Genachowski asked where Dr. Laura was being recalled to he responded, “We’re sending her to Afghanistan, where she’ll be stoned.  That’s the kind of justice we want here.”

Dr. Laura was brought on stage and Al Franken pelted her with eggs.

Genachowski then announced that he will be aggressively pursuing the recall of Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck and Sean Hannitty.  “The time has come. We must recall all Republicans.  We must recall them now!”

The rest of the day was filled with minor celebrity recalls (Erykah Badu, Snooki, Steve Slater) and some more product recalls (the Snuggie, iPhone 4s and the vuvuzela), and the crowd got excited about recalling ALL politicians in Washington, but the big news came when President Obama took to the stage and said that he was recalling The First Amendment and The Second Amendment.  “These amendments are dangerous to the citizens of the United States and they need to be recalled,” the President said.

The crowd started to shout “Send it back! Send it back!”  but police moved in and quickly silenced the crowd.

WHAT do YOU want to recall today?  WHO do YOU want to recall today?

Happy National Recall Day!!

Here’s the official government recall website: recall.gov.   But it hasn’t been updated in months.

RANCHO MIRAGE, CA – A six foot tall rabbit was seen leaving the Betty Ford Clinic this week.  Is the Easter Bunny trying to clean up before his big day?Camped outside the clinic’s entrance, reporters snapped pictures of a six foot tall rabbit leaving at 3am this Tuesday.  A positive identification was not possible as the giant rabbit was wearing a disguise.

Was this the Easter Bunny, or some other giant anthropomorphic rabbit?  Experts are unsure.

The Easter Bunny himself has a long history with substance abuse.  Formerly just a sugar addict, while delivering baskets in New York in the mid eighties the Easter Bunny became hooked on cocaine.  Families throughout America would wake on Easter morning to find half-filled baskets in the living room and cash missing from their wallets.

June 5th 1989 a joint task force between the FBI and DEA caught the Easter Bunny at a motel outside of Houston, Texas.  He had led the agents on a 5 state chase before finally being caught surrounded by chocolate eggs filled with methamphetamines.

Since being released from prison the Easter Bunny has stayed clean, and volunteered with drug education/prevention programs for children.  He was even a guest on a “Scared Straight” television special, detailing his former life as a junkie.

Was this the Easter Bunny leaving the rehab clinic?  Is he cleaning up his act again before the big day?  Was he getting help to stay strong before during the stress and temptation of his holiday?  Or was this a different anthropomorphic rabbit trying to get his life together?

Keep reading the Weekly World News for more details.

LOS ANGELES, CA – Britney Spears has finally broken free of her keepers!

Over the past year, Britney has been under lock and key after a number of disturbing incidents, including shaving her head and losing visitation rights to her children. Only recently has she started coming back into the spotlight with numerous TV performances and a highly anticipated new album.

But Britney is still very much in the care of an army of handlers, and discussed her lack of freedom in MTV’s “Britney: For the Record”. So who would have guessed that the person to save her would be but a lowly mutant?

In the past week, Ms. Spears has begun to act very differently. During the day she may still be Britney, but at night, she is BATney, causing mischief around town with the one and only Bat Boy!

Eyewitnesses have reported seeing the two giggling and hiding behind bushes outside popular night spots. When the time is right they jump out shrieking at passing paparazzi, who run for their lives.

They have also been spotted TP’ing her ex-husband’s house and throwing eggs at Adnan Ghalib, her former lover and F-list celeb.

Britney’s father, Jamie Spears, refused to confirm these reports to Weekly World News reporters, but stated, “If it was her, and I’m not saying it is, well at least she’d be having fun. That little bat boy is kinda creepy, but he seems like a good kid.”

Is Bat Boy using Britney to get publicity? Or does he just want to show her how to be happy again?

Weekly World News will continue to investigate!

BREAKING NEWS: In a new study, scientists are researching the missing link between fish and land animals.

The New York Times has revealed the Tiktaalik, a fossil fish that lived over 375 million years ago. It’s skeletal structure indicates it may have made brief trips onto land.

It is now believed that the half-human half-fish that washed ashore during Hurricane Ike was its successor the evolutionary chain! Dr. Carr is traveling with the mutant corpse to compare it against the Tiktaalik fossil.

Weekly World News will as always be following these groundbreaking updates.

09/16/2008 – A fish with human legs washed up on a Galveston, Texas beach late Sunday night and experts now say that hundreds or even thousands of similar creatures might be living in the depths of the sea!

That’s the word from Dr. Richard Carr, a marine biologist who performed an autopsy on the fish and said that even though it appears to be a freak of nature, it had a “fully developed female reproductive tract—and almost certainly gave birth to other creatures just like it.”

“When this thing washed up on the beach some people, including police, thought they were being made the victims of a sick practical joke,” the expert said in his report to newsmen in Houston.

“But this fish isn’t a joke,” he continued. “This fish is real. And unless I miss my guess, it was mature enough to have laid thousands of eggs before it washed ashore.

“That means that entire schools and colonies of these things might be existing beneath the sea, totally unknown to all of us.”

The mind-twisting drama reportedly unfolded on the morning of September 15, when a couple of emergency workers spotted the 5-foot 2-inch fish on an isolated beach.

“Somebody had the presence of mind to call the police,” said Carr, who has written several books on marine life and is considered to have one of the finest minds in his field.

“The officers who went out to investigate clearly thought that somebody was playing a practical joke but they protected the carcass and alerted my office just in case. My assistants and I took the fish back to the laboratory and we were stunned by what we found.

“Flesh removed from the creature’s legs proved to be almost identical to the flesh of humans, the exception being the presence of a waxy substance that protected the skin from contact with water.

“The body of the creature looks like a sea trout, and the internal organs were arranged in the fashion of an ordinary fish. The brain was slightly larger and more sophisticated than what you would expect to find in a fish, but we will have to take a much closer look at it before we’ll be willing to say that the creature was smarter than any other fish.

“It was dead when it washed ashore, most likely pulled up from the depths by Hurricane Ike,” he added.

Carr and his team have preserved the remains of the creature while they continue their analysis. They are also seeking grants to finance a search for other half-fish, half-humans, that may be in the area.

“We really don’t know what kind of life-forms exist under the sea,” said the expert. “And I think it’s time we found out.”