I’m madder than a penguin on Miami Beach over all the mealy-mouthed politicians whining about the economy and not doing anything about it.

Let’s face it, folks.  We are in the Second Great Depression. And guess who got us hardworking, penny-saving, honest Joes into this mess?  The same cigar-chomping fat cats in Washington who are running around like chicken with their heads cut off blaming everyone but themselves.

They’re all back-stabbing morons.

Who let Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac collapse the housing market?  Who let bloodsuckers on Wall Street steal us blind without even one of them going to jail?   And why are we still in such horrible shape after four years of this?  I’ll tell you why.  It’s  because we have a bunch of no-good,  greedy politicians who keep flying private jets, voting themselves big  raises every other month so they can live high on the hog in Washington while the rest of the country suffers – that’s who!

If anybody can squeeze blood out of a turnip, it’s our boozing, big-spending congressmen and senators who eat caviar while us little guys struggle to feed our families and pay for gas in our cars.  And our President?  Don’t me started on that Marxist America-hater!

Yours truly is mad as and hell and I’m not going to take it anymore.  My great-uncle J.B. Potter, who struggled through the first Great Depression in the 1930s, has a great idea to help America get back on its feet again. Here it is:  Publicly horsewhip every politician in Washington, shoot every  lawyer in the country and make it a capital crime to buy ANYTHING that isn’t made in America.

In other words, traitors who buy anything from China should fry in the chair, by Jiminy! Hey, I know these are pretty tough measure, but if we’re going to pull ourselves up by the bootstraps, we’re going to have to kick some butt.

And I figure China’s a good place to start. I never bought anything those noodle-eaters have shipped over here to America, anyway. But a lot of good-hearted, patriotic Americans have been hoodwinked for years into paying good money for the junk these rice ball racketeers peddle.   Well, it’s high time Americans stop making those Mao lovers rich and only buy stuff made in the good old U.S. of A!

And if I were President Obama, I’d go one step further. I’d make the Chinese buy only American too, for five years, just to make up for robbing us blind – or we’ll bomb ‘em back to the Stone Age where they came from.

Now get out there and… Buy American!

It’s Valentine’s Day again, and I’m madder than Cupid with a dirty diaper!

Valentine’s Day is the stupidest holiday of the year.  There’s no big juicy deep fried turkey or liquored up egg nog  – just pink, pink, pink! The whole world looks like an explosion at a Paris cathouse.

The gifts men are supposed to give are crazy. Why do you want to give your wife chocolate? Isn’t she already fat enough? Then you’re supposed to give her sexy red underwear, so you’ll be able to see how much fatter she’s gotten! Does anybody else think this is plum loco?

What about perfume? Are you saying your wife stank before? If she did, why would you want to hang on to her?

And flowers! Did you know that flowers are really the naughty parts of plants? Congratulations, mister: you just sent a dozen you-know-whats to your honey! Plus flowers die after a few days. Why don’t women want something that lasts forever, like a good hacksaw?

The new thing are those mail order teddy bears in stupid outfits. They sell one decked out in leather pants like some San Francisco fruitcake – what’s THAT supposed to mean?

I just thank the Man Upstairs, for sending the great Mrs. Anger into my life. She doesn’t go in for all this crazy crap. Give her a couple of lottery tickets and a new hairnet and she’s just as happy.

Too much love – that’s the trouble with the world today. What true Americans need is a holiday where we give each other a new gun and a heart shaped box of ammo, so they can blast that stupid Cupid for target practice!

I’m madder than a Chinaman in a driver’s ed class about China taking over the world, because they’re not  going to take this Yankee to the cleaners.

Get real, folks!  China has been bailing out everyone since 2008 and they own just about all of United States of America.  I, for one, don’t like it one red bit!  The Chinese are good for getting barbecue sauce out of my pants crotch, and that’s about it.

We don’t need them over here taking away our forks!

I’m sick of buying things that say “Made In China.” I want all Americans to start buying things that say “Made in Ohio” or “Made in Texas”  or “Made in Bayonne.”   We don’t need to buy any more junk from China that usually falls apart within a week.  Either that or they poison our children with that paint they put on everything.

And we definitely don’t need any more fortune cookies!   My lucky number isn’t 8!

Those Chinese leaders think they’re pulling a fast one over the U.S.  Well, the Teleprompter Kid better wake up and give the Chinese a chop-chop to their wontons!

Those Chinese loan sharks think we’re a bunch of pansy pandas over here, but if they try to step on ol’ Ed Anger’s lawn they’re going to get a blast of dragon fire from my mouth.

Let’s face it, folks, we have to stop buying things made in China!  They don’t play fair, so we shouldn’t play fair.  Most of their stuff is made by five-year-old kids chained to tables, who are only fed monkey brains once a day.

Then they come to the fruited plains and insult Uncle Sam!  The Chinese went to the White House and had that piano player, Lang Lang, play an anti-American song.  I’d like to give Lang Lang a little Bang Bang, send him back to the rickshaw he was born in.

I’m sick of China!!!

I’m calling on all red-blooded Americans to throw their Chinese made products into the nearest American dumpster.  2011 is the Chinese Year of the Rabbit.  I’m hereby changing it to the Year of the Eagle – the American Eagle.

So throw out all your Chinese goods!   Order pizza instead!

Confucius says:  Listen to Ed Anger.   “He knows which way the egg rolls!”

Time was, Earth Day was just for dirty crazy hippies. You could stay away from it if you just figured out where the bad smell was coming from, then went the other way.

But now Earth Day is run by big corporations and politicians and millionaires, who want you to buy their soap that doesn’t clean stuff at twice the price, and those curly light bulbs with the poison inside them.

If I want a toilet that doesn’t flush, I’ll go back to using an outhouse – and that’s not gonna happen!

Why do the same people who want to fix the environment want to hand out free condoms at the same time – isn’t rubber bad for Planet Earth? I guess it’s ok because rubber comes from trees. They like everything “natural” – unless it’s tobacco!

I can’t keep track of all this crap. Especially the thing about passing laws against cow farts. You know what’s coming? A law against breathing! These jerks love the Earth – it’s people they hate. They say we’re overpopulated, so why don’t they kill themselves. Then we’d all be happy!

I don’t see the point of saving the polar bears anyhow. They don’t do cute tricks like seals do. If we could train them to kill terrorists or patrol the border, that would be something useful, but otherwise they just lay around getting their pictures taken.

This Earth Day, the closest I want to get to nature is the pine tree air freshener hanging from the rearview mirror of my big old truck!

NEW YORK – Glenn Beck is out at Fox News and his replacement is:  Ed Anger!

Glenn Beck will end his daily Fox News Channel program later this year.   Soon after, Fox News announced that they have hired WWN’s own, Ed Anger to replace him.

Beck’s departure was announced in a statement on Wednesday by Fox  Mr. Beck’s company, Mercury Radio Arts and Weekly World News.

As expected, a senior Fox News executive, Joel Cheatwood, will join Mr. Beck at Mercury Radio Arts starting later this month.  WWN’s own, Frank Lake, will replace Cheatwood at Fox and will be producing the show with Ed Anger himself.

Mr. Beck’s contract with Fox ends in December and Ed Anger’s contract begins that same month.

The statement was briefly posted on The Blaze, a Web site owned by Mr. Beck, but it was then taken down. Representatives for Fox and Mr. Beck did not immediately explain why.   Weekly World News can confirm that Beck is stepping down to let Anger take over.

“There are only a few people on the planet, I would give up my slot on Fox News for,” said Beck.  “I’ve modeled my whole career on Ed Anger and it gives me great pleasure to know that he will be taking over for me at Fox, and I know he will do a fantastic job.”

Roger Ailes had this to say about Ed Anger:  “We want outspoken, strong voices on Fox and there is nobody out there with a more original, more hard-hitting voice than Ed Anger, who will be taking over the 5 pm slot, come December.”

Beck is a hugely popular figure on Fox News, averaging 2.2 million viewers each weekday, though his ratings have fallen somewhat in the last year. He is beloved by his fans for speaking out against what he sees as threats from progressives. His opponents — and there are many — condemn him for his conspiratorial views and apocalyptic predictions.

Ed Anger is equally beloved and Fox is already predicting average viewership of 3 million each day – which will rival Bill O’Reilly’s show.

In the statement on Wednesday, Mr. Beck said he would be starting a “new phase” of a partnership with Roger Ailes, the chairman of Fox News and Ed Anger. “I truly believe that America owes a lot to Ed Anger and Fox News,” he said.

Stay tuned to WWN for the latest updates to this breaking story!!

I’m madder than John Thompson after Georgetown lost to VCU, about Obama’s March Meekness!

The Teleprompter Kid is in Rio on Spring Break while the world is falling apart!  He’s spending more time watching the NCAA Tournament and dancing the samba then his is trying to help Japan, save the economy or keep us out of another useless war.

He’s the Moron-In-Chief!

He spends most of his day staring into a mirror, singing “Hail to the Chief” to himself.   He thinks “make a decision” means “go golfing.”   My bladder gets weak every time he speaks.

Since when did the United States of America let the head of France take the lead on anything?!!  The French are supposed to drink wine, eat cheese and smell bad.  They are NOT supposed to take the lead in any kind of military operation.

Obama is in so far over his head, he’d need a ladder to get to the bottom of Lake Stupid.  Harvard and Columbia are taking back his diplomas.  Kenyans are disowning him – they’re claiming he was born in Hawaii!

Obama’s ten-year-old daughter, Sasha, had to tell her father who Gaddafi was.  Obama thought he was a point guard for Duke.

Obama needs to resign – immediately!

The White House is a no-leader zone.  Obama needs to do a Nixon, so he can focus on golf, basketball and reading a book on how to grow a pair!

I’d rather have Charlie Sheen in the White House.  He’s got Tiger Blood.   Obama has Pussy Blood!

Hey, America.  Let’s start… “winning” again!

DUBLIN -  Amid a growing financial crisis, Ireland’s Prime Minister has asked the U.S. to make Ireland the 51st state.

Ireland is in the midst of a major financial crisis that is causing panic on global stock markets.  Many think that Ireland, like Greece, will ask the EU to bail them out.

But WWN has learned that Ireland has had it with the European Union and has made a request to the Obama Administration to fast-track Ireland and it’s application for U.S. statehood.

Ireland would be the first state added to the United States since Hawaii became a state on August 21, 1959.  The Obama Administration and Congress are putting the Irish request at the top of the lame-duck agenda.  “I think we can get it done,” said President Obama, who is of Irish ancestry.

Ireland is on the brink of insolvency, which has helped drive down the S&P 500 stock index by nearly 4 percent over the last few days.

Ireland has one huge problem that has caused it to consider becoming an American state:  a failed banking sector that Ireland’s government can no longer rescue on its own.

Ireland is in the midst of a real estate bust that could trump even the ruinous downturns that turned parts of southern California and Nevada into suburban ghost towns, with home-grown banks stoking it all. Now, those banks are trying to manage catastrophic losses. The Irish government has effectively nationalized the nation’s biggest banks by guaranteeing their debt, which would be akin to the U.S. government taking over Citigroup, Bank of America, J.P. Morgan Chase and Wells Fargo.

“If the Irish banks go down, the Irish government also goes down,” says economist Jacob Kirkegaard of the Peterson Institute for International Economics.  “They have no choice but to ask either the EU or America for help.  Most Irish citizens would rather become part of the U.S. than be beholden to the E.U.”

Americans are keen on the idea of having Dublin (and the Temple Bar) part of the United States,

But the U.S. has already announced that the practice of kissing the Blarney Stone will be banned.  “It’s not sanitary and it’s too dangerous. That practice will stop.   Also, the rock will be renamed The Barney Frank Stone.”

Irish women are already getting excited about being part of the U.S.A and American men are thrilled to have new “talent” in the country.

St. Patrick WILL be driving the snakes out the America, before Ireland becomes the 51st state.  Naturally, many politicians are worried.

Leprechauns will be protected by the Civil Rights Act and they have already been assured that they will get at least one casino – in Chicago.

The U.S. wants Northern Ireland in the deal.  British Prime Minister David Cameron is willing to give up Northern Ireland – “as long as the money is right.”

Irish Prime Minister, who will become the first Governor of the State of Ireland,  is thrilled to be putting the deal together.  “I don’t see any reason why this can’t get this done by the end of the year.”  He does have one request:  “we’re gonna have to do something about American beer.  That’s a dealbreaker.”

Ed Anger is NOT happy about this news.  “I’m madder than a leprechaun with a rubber shillelagh.  I don’t want those boozed-up, potato eaters in my country!”  Read Ed Anger’s full thoughts on the Irish…
HERE.

Too late, Ed.  Ireland has a new chant:  “U.S.A., U.S.A., U.S.A.”   Are YOU excited?

NEW YORK – There’s some shenanigans going on for the big Going Mutant book release,

That’s right…. There was some sort of foul play, some evil forces seeking to halt the Bat Boy “Going Mutant” party set to take place at Otto’s Shrunken Head in the East Village.  There was a mysterious fire at the club early Sunday morning…

Several East Village residents saw a UFO overhead an hour before the fire and many witnesses saw blue aliens running from the club.  Why do they want to stop the Bat Boy book party?   Did Bat Boy, who is not happy because he did not authorize the book, make a deal with aliens to try to stop the party?  Did Ed Anger have something to do with it?

“The whole thing is a big mystery.  There was a small fire, but it seemed to put itself out after only an hour,”  said NYFD Battalion Chief, Thomas Maloney.   “We found some big footprints in the ash.  Some think that Bigfoot was in the East Village.  We’re sorting it all out.”

Many feel that Bat Boy has something to do with it.  But Bat Boy was busy last night because he just agreed to fight Brock Lesnar in a cage match.  If Bat Boy didn’t set the fire, who did?

WWN has a team of crack investigative reporters looking into it.    Meantime, the Bat Boy “Going Mutant” Book Party will go on!  It’s going to be held just a few blocks away – same time, same open bar, same book, different place:  Lakeside Lounge, 162 Avenue B (between East 10th & 11th).  Monday, October 25th.  6:30-9:00pm.

WWN, the NYPD and the NYFD have ensured that everyone will be safe.  Though, there are rumors that some aliens will be showing up.  We are ready for them.

And Bat Boy has some surprises in store…. watch out!!

BUY GOING MUTANT – THE BAT BOY EXPOSED

NEW YORK, NY – There will be a new guy in Larry King’s suspenders – but it won’t be Ed Anger!

The search for Larry King’s replacement has come to an end. Piers Morgan, judge on “America’s Got Talent” and former tabloid newsman, will be trying to fill King’s legendary suspenders. The news isn’t a huge shocker, as Morgan has been rumored for months to be filling the vacancy that will be left by King when he retires. Weekly World News did learn, however, that it was a two-horse race and that Morgan beat out WWN’s own Ed Anger.

CNN President Jon Klein told the Associated Press that Morgan will “look at all aspects of the news with style and humor with an occasional good laugh in the process.”

Morgan, former editor of News of the World and Daily Mirror, appeared in the first season of The Celebrity Apprentice and barely beat out Trace Adkins for the top spot.

“Piers has made his name posing tough questions to public figures, holding them accountable for their words and deeds,” Klein added. “He is a natural fit with Anderson Cooper, Eliot Spitzer and Kathleen Parker in our prime time lineup, and the ideal choice to update the storied tradition of newsmaker talk on CNN.”

That’s some high praise from the prez himself. Guess Ed Anger wasn’t the ideal choice – or a great fit for that matter.

“At the end of the day, we didn’t see enough humor out of Ed,” Klein told us. “He’s a very opinionated guy, who sticks to his guns, but we felt that he would just not be able to some playful banter with our guests. He would merely make them feel inadequate for not sharing the same views as his. Plus, he called me an idiot, and that was the icing on the cake.”

WWN reached out to Anger and got a few words of wisdom from him.

“I’m madder than the Jersey Shore cast at a spelling bee,” Anger told us. “Who is Piers? He doesn’t impress me. He’ll never get the ratings King got. Now there’s someone that can hold my attention. Whatever, not worth my time. Too many other problems that I need to give my two cents on – like Bill O’Reilly stealing my thunder and complaining about everything and anything. That’s my job!”

NEW YORK, NY – T.I. may be in a bit of trouble – help isn’t far off!

T.I.’s career and life looked like it was taking off again. His new movie Takers, which he starred in and co-executive produced, opened in theaters at No. 1 last weekend. His album, King Uncaged, is scheduled for a September 28 release. On top of that, he married Tameka Cottle in July. All of this since his release from a halfway house in March. Those good vibes may be put on hold for a bit…

T.I. was arrested on Wednesday for drug possession and it could land the rapper back in jail. He and his wife were arrested in West Hollywood after deputies pulled their car over after smelling marijuana and arrested them on suspicion of possessing meth-amphetamines.

Looks like the King might be going back to the cage. His attempt at a fresh start might be coming to an abrupt. According to lawyer Steven Knowles, if convicted, T.I. could face a multiple-year jail sentence. “This is big time,” Knowles told Yahoo! Music. “I really don’t envy his defense lawyer.”

The Takers star had spent seven months in a federal prison in Arkansas for illegal firearms possession and possessing a gun as a convicted felon.

According to the Associated Press, as a condition to his three-year parole, he was forbidden from committing another federal, state or local crime, or illegally possessing a controlled substance. Looks like T.I. dug himself a grave and it’s going to be mighty hard to get out of it – wherever should he turn?

Cue Ed Anger and PhD Ape…

T.I.’s legal team knows that this is an uphill battle and that calling in the big guns is the only way to have a fighting chance. They know that there aren’t two more larger than life personalities than Anger and PhD Ape. Bringing them on is a smart move and one that will hopefully salvage the career of T.I.

“We know that PhD Ape is in Europe helping Team USA, but we figured any advice he had to offer was a step in the right direction,” a member of T.I.’s camp told Weekly World News. “PhD Ape was more than helpful and he made a call to his good buddy, Ed Anger, to come and help us.”

Compassion and Ed Anger don’t exactly mix. However, if you get the conservative riled up enough about a subject, he is capable of making magic happen. PhD Ape filled him in on the matter and told him it’s a cause worth fighting for – proving that an entertainer can turn his life around.

“I’m madder than Jennifer Aniston at a speed dating event,” Anger told us. “T.I. is lucky that Ape is a good friend of mine because I would much rather be at home complaining about everything. Listen, the man screwed up – again – I get it. But I’m convinced that the King of the South is a good man – who just wants to entertain. We’re going to push for community service. And when it’s done, Ape and myself will whip him into shape.”

T.I. better hope that having two heavyweights in his corner can save his career.