I’m madder than a Chinaman in a driver’s ed class about China taking over the world, because they’re not  going to take this Yankee to the cleaners.

Get real, folks!  China has been bailing out everyone since 2008 and they own just about all of United States of America.  I, for one, don’t like it one red bit!  The Chinese are good for getting barbecue sauce out of my pants crotch, and that’s about it.

We don’t need them over here taking away our forks!

I’m sick of buying things that say “Made In China.” I want all Americans to start buying things that say “Made in Ohio” or “Made in Texas”  or “Made in Bayonne.”   We don’t need to buy any more junk from China that usually falls apart within a week.  Either that or they poison our children with that paint they put on everything.

And we definitely don’t need any more fortune cookies!   My lucky number isn’t 8!

Those Chinese leaders think they’re pulling a fast one over the U.S.  Well, the Teleprompter Kid better wake up and give the Chinese a chop-chop to their wontons!

Those Chinese loan sharks think we’re a bunch of pansy pandas over here, but if they try to step on ol’ Ed Anger’s lawn they’re going to get a blast of dragon fire from my mouth.

Let’s face it, folks, we have to stop buying things made in China!  They don’t play fair, so we shouldn’t play fair.  Most of their stuff is made by five-year-old kids chained to tables, who are only fed monkey brains once a day.

Then they come to the fruited plains and insult Uncle Sam!  The Chinese went to the White House and had that piano player, Lang Lang, play an anti-American song.  I’d like to give Lang Lang a little Bang Bang, send him back to the rickshaw he was born in.

I’m sick of China!!!

I’m calling on all red-blooded Americans to throw their Chinese made products into the nearest American dumpster.  2011 is the Chinese Year of the Rabbit.  I’m hereby changing it to the Year of the Eagle – the American Eagle.

So throw out all your Chinese goods!   Order pizza instead!

Confucius says:  Listen to Ed Anger.   “He knows which way the egg rolls!”

NEW YORK – Glenn Beck is out at Fox News and his replacement is:  Ed Anger!

Glenn Beck will end his daily Fox News Channel program later this year.   Soon after, Fox News announced that they have hired WWN’s own, Ed Anger to replace him.

Beck’s departure was announced in a statement on Wednesday by Fox  Mr. Beck’s company, Mercury Radio Arts and Weekly World News.

As expected, a senior Fox News executive, Joel Cheatwood, will join Mr. Beck at Mercury Radio Arts starting later this month.  WWN’s own, Frank Lake, will replace Cheatwood at Fox and will be producing the show with Ed Anger himself.

Mr. Beck’s contract with Fox ends in December and Ed Anger’s contract begins that same month.

The statement was briefly posted on The Blaze, a Web site owned by Mr. Beck, but it was then taken down. Representatives for Fox and Mr. Beck did not immediately explain why.   Weekly World News can confirm that Beck is stepping down to let Anger take over.

“There are only a few people on the planet, I would give up my slot on Fox News for,” said Beck.  “I’ve modeled my whole career on Ed Anger and it gives me great pleasure to know that he will be taking over for me at Fox, and I know he will do a fantastic job.”

Roger Ailes had this to say about Ed Anger:  “We want outspoken, strong voices on Fox and there is nobody out there with a more original, more hard-hitting voice than Ed Anger, who will be taking over the 5 pm slot, come December.”

Beck is a hugely popular figure on Fox News, averaging 2.2 million viewers each weekday, though his ratings have fallen somewhat in the last year. He is beloved by his fans for speaking out against what he sees as threats from progressives. His opponents — and there are many — condemn him for his conspiratorial views and apocalyptic predictions.

Ed Anger is equally beloved and Fox is already predicting average viewership of 3 million each day – which will rival Bill O’Reilly’s show.

In the statement on Wednesday, Mr. Beck said he would be starting a “new phase” of a partnership with Roger Ailes, the chairman of Fox News and Ed Anger. “I truly believe that America owes a lot to Ed Anger and Fox News,” he said.

Stay tuned to WWN for the latest updates to this breaking story!!

I’m madder than John Thompson after Georgetown lost to VCU, about Obama’s March Meekness!

The Teleprompter Kid is in Rio on Spring Break while the world is falling apart!  He’s spending more time watching the NCAA Tournament and dancing the samba then his is trying to help Japan, save the economy or keep us out of another useless war.

He’s the Moron-In-Chief!

He spends most of his day staring into a mirror, singing “Hail to the Chief” to himself.   He thinks “make a decision” means “go golfing.”   My bladder gets weak every time he speaks.

Since when did the United States of America let the head of France take the lead on anything?!!  The French are supposed to drink wine, eat cheese and smell bad.  They are NOT supposed to take the lead in any kind of military operation.

Obama is in so far over his head, he’d need a ladder to get to the bottom of Lake Stupid.  Harvard and Columbia are taking back his diplomas.  Kenyans are disowning him – they’re claiming he was born in Hawaii!

Obama’s ten-year-old daughter, Sasha, had to tell her father who Gaddafi was.  Obama thought he was a point guard for Duke.

Obama needs to resign – immediately!

The White House is a no-leader zone.  Obama needs to do a Nixon, so he can focus on golf, basketball and reading a book on how to grow a pair!

I’d rather have Charlie Sheen in the White House.  He’s got Tiger Blood.   Obama has Pussy Blood!

Hey, America.  Let’s start… “winning” again!

DUBLIN -  Amid a growing financial crisis, Ireland’s Prime Minister has asked the U.S. to make Ireland the 51st state.

Ireland is in the midst of a major financial crisis that is causing panic on global stock markets.  Many think that Ireland, like Greece, will ask the EU to bail them out.

But WWN has learned that Ireland has had it with the European Union and has made a request to the Obama Administration to fast-track Ireland and it’s application for U.S. statehood.

Ireland would be the first state added to the United States since Hawaii became a state on August 21, 1959.  The Obama Administration and Congress are putting the Irish request at the top of the lame-duck agenda.  “I think we can get it done,” said President Obama, who is of Irish ancestry.

Ireland is on the brink of insolvency, which has helped drive down the S&P 500 stock index by nearly 4 percent over the last few days.

Ireland has one huge problem that has caused it to consider becoming an American state:  a failed banking sector that Ireland’s government can no longer rescue on its own.

Ireland is in the midst of a real estate bust that could trump even the ruinous downturns that turned parts of southern California and Nevada into suburban ghost towns, with home-grown banks stoking it all. Now, those banks are trying to manage catastrophic losses. The Irish government has effectively nationalized the nation’s biggest banks by guaranteeing their debt, which would be akin to the U.S. government taking over Citigroup, Bank of America, J.P. Morgan Chase and Wells Fargo.

“If the Irish banks go down, the Irish government also goes down,” says economist Jacob Kirkegaard of the Peterson Institute for International Economics.  “They have no choice but to ask either the EU or America for help.  Most Irish citizens would rather become part of the U.S. than be beholden to the E.U.”

Americans are keen on the idea of having Dublin (and the Temple Bar) part of the United States,

But the U.S. has already announced that the practice of kissing the Blarney Stone will be banned.  “It’s not sanitary and it’s too dangerous. That practice will stop.   Also, the rock will be renamed The Barney Frank Stone.”

Irish women are already getting excited about being part of the U.S.A and American men are thrilled to have new “talent” in the country.

St. Patrick WILL be driving the snakes out the America, before Ireland becomes the 51st state.  Naturally, many politicians are worried.

Leprechauns will be protected by the Civil Rights Act and they have already been assured that they will get at least one casino – in Chicago.

The U.S. wants Northern Ireland in the deal.  British Prime Minister David Cameron is willing to give up Northern Ireland – “as long as the money is right.”

Irish Prime Minister, who will become the first Governor of the State of Ireland,  is thrilled to be putting the deal together.  “I don’t see any reason why this can’t get this done by the end of the year.”  He does have one request:  “we’re gonna have to do something about American beer.  That’s a dealbreaker.”

Ed Anger is NOT happy about this news.  “I’m madder than a leprechaun with a rubber shillelagh.  I don’t want those boozed-up, potato eaters in my country!”  Read Ed Anger’s full thoughts on the Irish…
HERE.

Too late, Ed.  Ireland has a new chant:  “U.S.A., U.S.A., U.S.A.”   Are YOU excited?

NEW YORK – There’s some shenanigans going on for the big Going Mutant book release,

That’s right…. There was some sort of foul play, some evil forces seeking to halt the Bat Boy “Going Mutant” party set to take place at Otto’s Shrunken Head in the East Village.  There was a mysterious fire at the club early Sunday morning…

Several East Village residents saw a UFO overhead an hour before the fire and many witnesses saw blue aliens running from the club.  Why do they want to stop the Bat Boy book party?   Did Bat Boy, who is not happy because he did not authorize the book, make a deal with aliens to try to stop the party?  Did Ed Anger have something to do with it?

“The whole thing is a big mystery.  There was a small fire, but it seemed to put itself out after only an hour,”  said NYFD Battalion Chief, Thomas Maloney.   “We found some big footprints in the ash.  Some think that Bigfoot was in the East Village.  We’re sorting it all out.”

Many feel that Bat Boy has something to do with it.  But Bat Boy was busy last night because he just agreed to fight Brock Lesnar in a cage match.  If Bat Boy didn’t set the fire, who did?

WWN has a team of crack investigative reporters looking into it.    Meantime, the Bat Boy “Going Mutant” Book Party will go on!  It’s going to be held just a few blocks away – same time, same open bar, same book, different place:  Lakeside Lounge, 162 Avenue B (between East 10th & 11th).  Monday, October 25th.  6:30-9:00pm.

WWN, the NYPD and the NYFD have ensured that everyone will be safe.  Though, there are rumors that some aliens will be showing up.  We are ready for them.

And Bat Boy has some surprises in store…. watch out!!

BUY GOING MUTANT – THE BAT BOY EXPOSED

NEW YORK, NY – There will be a new guy in Larry King’s suspenders – but it won’t be Ed Anger!

The search for Larry King’s replacement has come to an end. Piers Morgan, judge on “America’s Got Talent” and former tabloid newsman, will be trying to fill King’s legendary suspenders. The news isn’t a huge shocker, as Morgan has been rumored for months to be filling the vacancy that will be left by King when he retires. Weekly World News did learn, however, that it was a two-horse race and that Morgan beat out WWN’s own Ed Anger.

CNN President Jon Klein told the Associated Press that Morgan will “look at all aspects of the news with style and humor with an occasional good laugh in the process.”

Morgan, former editor of News of the World and Daily Mirror, appeared in the first season of The Celebrity Apprentice and barely beat out Trace Adkins for the top spot.

“Piers has made his name posing tough questions to public figures, holding them accountable for their words and deeds,” Klein added. “He is a natural fit with Anderson Cooper, Eliot Spitzer and Kathleen Parker in our prime time lineup, and the ideal choice to update the storied tradition of newsmaker talk on CNN.”

That’s some high praise from the prez himself. Guess Ed Anger wasn’t the ideal choice – or a great fit for that matter.

“At the end of the day, we didn’t see enough humor out of Ed,” Klein told us. “He’s a very opinionated guy, who sticks to his guns, but we felt that he would just not be able to some playful banter with our guests. He would merely make them feel inadequate for not sharing the same views as his. Plus, he called me an idiot, and that was the icing on the cake.”

WWN reached out to Anger and got a few words of wisdom from him.

“I’m madder than the Jersey Shore cast at a spelling bee,” Anger told us. “Who is Piers? He doesn’t impress me. He’ll never get the ratings King got. Now there’s someone that can hold my attention. Whatever, not worth my time. Too many other problems that I need to give my two cents on – like Bill O’Reilly stealing my thunder and complaining about everything and anything. That’s my job!”

NEW YORK, NY – T.I. may be in a bit of trouble – help isn’t far off!

T.I.’s career and life looked like it was taking off again. His new movie Takers, which he starred in and co-executive produced, opened in theaters at No. 1 last weekend. His album, King Uncaged, is scheduled for a September 28 release. On top of that, he married Tameka Cottle in July. All of this since his release from a halfway house in March. Those good vibes may be put on hold for a bit…

T.I. was arrested on Wednesday for drug possession and it could land the rapper back in jail. He and his wife were arrested in West Hollywood after deputies pulled their car over after smelling marijuana and arrested them on suspicion of possessing meth-amphetamines.

Looks like the King might be going back to the cage. His attempt at a fresh start might be coming to an abrupt. According to lawyer Steven Knowles, if convicted, T.I. could face a multiple-year jail sentence. “This is big time,” Knowles told Yahoo! Music. “I really don’t envy his defense lawyer.”

The Takers star had spent seven months in a federal prison in Arkansas for illegal firearms possession and possessing a gun as a convicted felon.

According to the Associated Press, as a condition to his three-year parole, he was forbidden from committing another federal, state or local crime, or illegally possessing a controlled substance. Looks like T.I. dug himself a grave and it’s going to be mighty hard to get out of it – wherever should he turn?

Cue Ed Anger and PhD Ape…

T.I.’s legal team knows that this is an uphill battle and that calling in the big guns is the only way to have a fighting chance. They know that there aren’t two more larger than life personalities than Anger and PhD Ape. Bringing them on is a smart move and one that will hopefully salvage the career of T.I.

“We know that PhD Ape is in Europe helping Team USA, but we figured any advice he had to offer was a step in the right direction,” a member of T.I.’s camp told Weekly World News. “PhD Ape was more than helpful and he made a call to his good buddy, Ed Anger, to come and help us.”

Compassion and Ed Anger don’t exactly mix. However, if you get the conservative riled up enough about a subject, he is capable of making magic happen. PhD Ape filled him in on the matter and told him it’s a cause worth fighting for – proving that an entertainer can turn his life around.

“I’m madder than Jennifer Aniston at a speed dating event,” Anger told us. “T.I. is lucky that Ape is a good friend of mine because I would much rather be at home complaining about everything. Listen, the man screwed up – again – I get it. But I’m convinced that the King of the South is a good man – who just wants to entertain. We’re going to push for community service. And when it’s done, Ape and myself will whip him into shape.”

T.I. better hope that having two heavyweights in his corner can save his career.

NEW YORK, NY – A member of the Weekly World News family just missed out on a high profile role!

John Wayne is a legend, and icon – no two ways about it. The Duke, known for his distinct voice and walk, epitomized rugged masculinity and his roles were always fan favorites. One of those memorable roles came as Rooster Cogburn in the 1969 film, True Grit. The film won the actor his only Oscar. The remake, produced by the Coen brothers, is set to release December 25, 2010 and rumors were swirling as to who would play Wayne’s role.

That honor and privilege ultimately went to Jeff Bridges, fresh off his Oscar win for his role in Crazy Heart. The Duke has been replaced by the Dude.

First glimpses at the Coen brother’s project reveal some noticeable differences between the Dude and the Duke. Bridges looks ornery and weathered, and is sporting a beard and wearing the infamous eye patch on his right eye. Wayne, on the other hand, wore his eye patch on his left eye as a tribute to his friend John Ford and was resolutely clean-shave due to being a staunch Republican.

Jeff Bridges’ credentials make him a worthy candidate to fill the Duke’s shoes, but he wasn’t handed the job. He still had to beat out some competition for the role, and one of those individuals he beat out was none other than Ed Anger – a member of the Weekly World News family.

Anger is starting to creep out from under the rock and leave his isolation. As you may already know, he is in consideration for Steve Carell’s role in The Office. Anger fits the profile of Wayne exceptionally well and the chance to compete was offered to the angry right-winger.

“We saw Anger as an unexpected but ideal fit for the iconic John Wayne role,” said Joel Coen. “He certainly has the passion that Wayne possessed, and he had that masculinity that we were looking for. Unfortunately, we felt that going with a little more experience, such as Jeff fresh off his Oscar win, would be supremely beneficial to the film. We’ll certainly keep Anger in mind for future projects.”

Anger was upset over missing out on the role – for all of a minute. Anger doesn’t dwell on the past, but rather finds something else to get mad at quickly.

“I’m madder than Kim Kardashian without a picture of her cleavage,” Anger said. “Whatever, it’s their loss. I’m over it. What’s with all this social media mumbo jumbo? Seems like a mind control tool! And what is with the Jets not signing Darrelle Revis? Are they stupid?! I would say yes!”

Looks like Ed Anger is going to be just fine.

NEW YORK, NY – A new candidate has emerged in the race to replace Steve Carell on The Office!

The Office has been a hit for NBC the last six seasons – thanks in large part to Steve Carell’s alter ego, Michael Scott. The little paper company that could, Dunder Mifflin, and its quirky employees have captivated millions season after season. The unfortunate news of Carell leaving after this season has only now begun to sink in – with NBC moving towards finding a replacement.

Rumors have begun to swirl about who may try and fill the shoes that Carell will leave behind. “Eastbound & Down” star Danny McBride and Rhys Darby from the defunct “Flight of the Conchords” have emerged as early favorites. McBrides alter ego, Kenny Powers, has shot the actor into recent stardom – with a new set of Kswiss commercials taking off featuring Powers. He could be a hot commodity, but the fact that his TV series has been picked up for another season would make it hard for NBC to land him. Darby is a free agent thanks to his defunct series, but he doesn’t carry the same recognition. So what if…

Ed Anger was entered into the equation. Weekly World News has gotten some information out of ultra-secretive NBC and it’s definitely interesting. We’ve learned that Anger is being seriously considered to step into the role of Carell.

“Ed Anger would certainly present us and the show with a new dynamic,” a producer of the show said. “His tell-it-like-it-is personality would fit right in with the overall theme of the show. He’s opinionated and he’s passionate. We could also see a great rivalry develop between Anger and Dwight.”

WWN reached out to Anger and got a few words out of him.

“I’m madder than Tim Tebow at a strip club,” said Anger. “The Office will not be the same without Carell – as much as I hate giving credit to anyone. Perhaps the only way that show will survive – at least in my eyes – is if I step into the picture. My name better be thrown into that hat.”

Stay tuned to see how this saga unfolds.

NEW YORK, NY – A seasoned chef has begun pumping out some new dishes using a rather unusual ingredient!

Daniel Angerer is the chef at up-scale restaurant Klee Brasserie in New York City. He’s best known for beating renowned chef Bobby Flay on Food Network’s “Iron Chef.” Angerer has pushed the envelope on innovation has begun cooking up dishes using cheese made from breast milk.

That was not a typo and his wife, Lori Mason, has been supplying the milk for his new creations. The couple haS a new born baby Arabella that just turned 4 weeks old and they realized that their freezer was overflowing with breast milk. With his wife’s approval, Angerer began experimenting with making cheese out of the breast milk. With some curdling and about two weeks of aging, the result was a sweet cheese not far removed from cheese made with cow’s milk.

“We are fortunate to have plenty of pumped mommy’s milk on hand, and we even freeze a good amount of it,” Angerer wrote on his Web site. “Our small freezer ran out of space. To throw it out would be like wasting gold.”

The recipe has received mixed reviews but Angerer claims that it’s all in the name of kitchen science. Whatever the case may be, Angerer’s reemergence has sparked another question. Does he have any relation to famed Weekly World News columnist Ed Anger?

The similarities can be seen in their radical thought processes. The number of chef’s that would experiment with breast milk IS probably few and far between. When it comes to voicing opinions, Ed Anger takes the cake on taking a stance and making sure his voice is heard. Perhaps their apples fell from the same tree?

“Not a chance in hell I’m related to Angerer,” Anger said. “I would never want to be related to some sissy chef whipping up ‘treats’ with breast milk. The only cheese I want to see is American on my burger. Washed down with an ice cold beer. I’m madder than Avatar at the Oscars!”