COLUMBUS, OH – One Ohio zoo-owner is slicing costs in a unique way.
Rockford Park Zoo owner Dave Bell, like any businessman, has faced some tough choices in recent years. As economic woes threatened the zoo he spent a lifetime building, Bell found salvation in an unlikely source: pizza.

“One of the most expensive parts of running a zoo is buying specialized food for each species of animal we have,” Bell said. “but then I thought, ‘Hey,why not just let them eat pizza? I love pizza.’”

Rockford Park Zoo saved nearly $130,000 in 2011 by switching over to the new, all-pizza diet for the zoo’s varied inhabitants. Forming a partnership with Fabio’s, a family-owned joint located only two blocks away from the zoo, Bell created a feeding system of “4 slices for every 10 pounds, twice a day” at a discounted cost per box. Though many have lauded the financial savvy of the decision, the zoo’s move has not gone without criticism.

“It’s horrifying,” said one animal expert. “You have hundreds of different creatures with different needs, appetites and digestion processes. What happens when an animal becomes sick? What if this baboon doesn’t like pepperoni?”

Bell maintains that the zoo’s detractors are not “seeing the big picture.”  He likens the process of acclimatizing the animals to their new diet to his own childhood.

“My mother always said to eat my peas. And after a while, I started to like them. So, there you go.”

As hundreds file into the Rockford Park Zoo daily, many have cited an improvement in the customers’ experience as yet another advantage to Bell’s plan. Bell claims its due to a common bond created by seeing another species consuming their favorite meal.

“People love seeing different animals enjoy what they enjoy,” Bell said. “Look at that tiger — he loves that pizza!”

WASHINGTON – President Obama announced yesterday that he is canceling the 2012 elections, due to the jobs crisis.

In a speech delivered in Raleigh, North Carolina, President Obama made clear that there will be no new significant government measures to address the most severe jobs crisis since the Great Depression of the 1930s.

But he startled the crowd when he revealed his “one transformative idea”.  He told the crowd that he had a brilliant idea for reducing spending and for helping put Americans back to work.  He announced that he signed an Executive Order canceling this year’s midterm elections, scheduled for November 6th, 2012.

President Obama said in his speech that spending a millions of dollars on election campaigns is something that “Americans can’t afford. We need to put that money back into the economy.”  President Obama issued the Executive Order, effective immediately.  The President put a halt to all preparations being done for the November elections – on a local, state and federal levels.

“You don’t change horses in the middle of a raging stream,” said White House interim Chief of Staff Pete Rouse.  “The President feels that we need to keep the lawmakers we have in place, until his agenda is fully passed or the economy is turned around, whichever comes first.  If the elections were to go forward, the President is afraid that a new Congress will become gridlocked and he won’t be able to ram his agenda through.”

In his speech, Obama also trumpeted a plan for investment in infrastructure and transportation as a significant jobs program.  He said he would pay for the new  investment in transportation by taking all the money that the government would have spent on the midterm elections and putting that into union construction jobs.

“What’s the big deal?” said Bill Daley, Senior Advisor to the President. “There’s going to be elections in two years.  People can’t wait? We waste too much money on elections.”  Asked if the President would cancel the 2014 elections as well, Axelrod said, “That depends if the President can get the 22nd amendment repealed in the next two years.  If he can, then sure, he’ll let the elections go forward. Why not?”

Republicans were quick to denounce the Executive Order.  “He’s not a dictator, he can’t just cancel elections. This is an outrage,” said Senator John McCain.  But John McCain was seen laughing as he left the White House last night.  Some said Obama hugged a smiling McCain, then patted him on the butt.

Senator McCain’s campaign manager, Mark Buse, told WWN off the record (sorry Mark) that “Yeah, John’s happy that he gets to remain a Senator and he did make a back-room deal with Obama, but what am I going to do now?  I’m out of work.”    Lindsey Graham told Buse that he could “get a job on one of the new road projects Obama is setting up.  It’ll be good for you to work with your hands.”

So don’t worry about “rocking the vote” or “getting out the vote” or even just “voting” this November, 2012.   It’s canceled.  Come back in two years…

 LATVIA – Latvia had its annual “March of the Blondes” to help boost the economy.

According to the AFP, the march is becoming quite an attraction in the economically-devastated Latvia.

“We have more than 500 participants registered, including a 15-member team from New Zealand, seven ladies from Finland and Italy and 32 from Lithuania,¨ Marika Gederte, head of the Latvian Association of Blondes, told the news outlet.

And on Saturday, they marched:

The event, which started in 2009 and is officially called the “Go Blonde Festival,” not only boosts the local economy, but also raises money for charity.

“We hope to raise enough to refurbish two rooms at a special unit for disabled children. We do not have a specific sum we want to raise but we hope businesses will be generous,” Gederte told the AFP.

Besides the march, which is mainly watched by men, there is also a Marilyn Monroe lookalike contest, a concert by blonde divas, and a pink fashion and accessories show.

NEW YORK, NY – Even the almighty David Beckham isn’t immune to the economy!

The Beckhams live a charmed life that many envy. Victoria is a fashion icon and David is an international superstar. His modeling and soccer career have brought him millions and allowed him and his family live in utter luxury. They have more money than they know what to do with – or so we thought. Even the Beckhams are feeling the effects of the economy.

According to the Sun, Victoria called in a money expert to overhaul their finances because she feared the high-spending lifestyle was inappropriate at a time when ordinary people are tightening their belts. Apparently, she was pushed to pursue such a method after the family was warned that they were “pouring money down the drain.”

The family was informed that they were wasting hundreds of thousands a year on surplus staff at their homes in England, LA, Dubai and France. The family was employing about 50 – tasked with taking care of their luxurious properties. Much to their dismay, the Beckhams made the cost-cutting move of sacking 14 of their 50 employees.

“There has been a large downsize. David and Victoria are multi-millionaires but that doesn’t mean they to waste money – and they were hemorrhaging it,” a friend said.

What is this world coming to?! Where a man has to make cuts to his staff that watch over his lavish estates because of the economy. Pure madness!

The Beckhams are said to be worth around $200 million.

Ben Bernanke says that the worst of the recession is over and the economy will level out, thanks to a large reserve of gold found hidden under Mount Rushmore.
After reaching little to no success working within the Federal Reserve,  Chairman Ben Bernanke began looking for other ways to end the financial crisis.  For the past 3 months he has spent the majority of his time adventuring around the globe seeking alternative income to support the American economy.  His breakthrough came last week when a controversial map found in the Jefferson library led him to a lost city of gold hidden underneath Mount Rushmore.

“This is truely a spectacular find” said Bernanke.  “It will be a great help in propping up the American economy.”

Bernanke’s city of gold is believed to be the remnants of a Native American Indian tribe who stole the gold intended to pay France for the Louisiana purchase.  The Lakota tribe fortified themselves in the South Dakota mountain until they were discovered by government forces in 1877.  Realizing the chaos such an influx of gold would cause on the international markets the site was intentionally hidden.  President Calvin Coolidge further hid the city by placing a monument on top of it.  After that, the secret of the city was lost.

Bernanke’s find is expected to greatly stabilize the financial markets.  Most economists are now saying that the recession is over, and the country can begin its slow recovery.  The millions in gold will be just enough to patch up government deficits and avoid financial disaster.  International pools betting on when the American financial system would melt down were thrown into chaos.

“This revenue” Bernanke said “will also allow government to pay off some of the interest we owe to China, avoiding harsh penalties or foreclosure.”

WASHINGTON, DC – The IMF predicts a shrinking world economy over the next few years.  This troubling news sent lard and cornmeal futures skyrocketing.

The International Monetary Fund announced yesterday its prediction that the entire world economy would shrink by 1.3% in 2009.  This would be the worst world downturn since World War II.

At this harsh economic news certain stocks began to skyrocket.  Cornmeal futures, overall producers, lard and other products associated with economic hardship are seeing excellent gains.

“With people the world over having to tighten their belts, simpler solutions to old problems are coming back into vogue,” said Elmer O’Daniel, third generation head of O’Daniel Lard Producers.  “Right now the future of lard is looking pretty bright.”

Overall manufacturers and barrel factorie are working around the clock to fill orders from recently fired Wall Street heads looking for cheaper business attire.

Producers of anti-depressants like Paxil, Prozac, and Zoloft, are getting ready for a record breaking year.  Pharmaceutical representatives refused to comment about suspected deals with the federal government to put antidepressants in the water supply just to keep the suicide rate down.

McDonald’s has stated it will soon begin serving Cracklin’s, deep fried pieces of pig fat.  Head of McDonald’s Development, Charles Shephard, said, “At first we were hesitant to offer the American people a nutritionally void food like deep-fried fat.  But then we thought ‘who are we to criticize the cultures who invented foods like this?  Or consider fat a delicacy?’”

The IMF says that to combat the upcoming recession they are strongly urging governments to sponsor public works and elaborate movie musicals.

WASHINGTON, DC – The government has been forced to pull back on defense spending.  Secretary of Defense Robert Gates is pulling funding on F22 and Area 51, which is expected to close within the month.  At a press conference on Monday Robert Gates announced his new plan to shift resources from costly weapons systems to the ground campaigns in Iraq and Afghanistan

Area 51 is a top secret government installation in southern Nevada.  It first gained recognition as a secret government testing site in the 1950’s.  Since then it is believed to be where the government tests new and alien technologies.  Most of the new and alien technology Secretary Gates is cutting is expected to be in Area 51.

According to moles within the Pentagon and several anonymous sources reporters met while drinking in the area, weapons being developed by the government may include:

Aging Ray –   Special frequency microwave emitters which dissolve collagen in
the skin causing victims to instantly appear much older.

LactoPack –   A wearable cheese powered propulsion system.  Small, collapsible, but it only ran on expensive imported cheeses.

Gill Men –      Special volunteers from within the US Navy’s seal teams had gills and fins surgically attached to their bodies to aid in tactical maneuverability.  Unfortunately after the 15 million dollar process they would forget their assignments and play with inflatable balls.

H4 Prime –     Derived from alien technology this was a Hummer 4 series that could turn into a large anthropomorphic robot.  Once it was made self-aware however the robot proved to be self absorbed and irresponsible and cost far more than it was worth.  Efforts have been made to sell the H4 Prime to the Japanese, but currently it refuses to leave its room.

Secretary of Defense Gates insists that programs like these are an unnecessary drain on the military budget, and is pulling the plug on all similar research.

Area 51, we here at the Weekly World News wish you a fond farewell.  Thanks for the memories.

That Obama really smashes my atoms!

The Communist-in-Chief just said he wants to ban all nuclear bombs. When he says such stupid, corny stuff, he sounds more like Miss America than the President. Except beauty queens don’t need Teleprompters! (And I’d like to see Obama twirl a baton while we’re at it!)

Nukes are what made America great! First off, they helped us win World War II. We had to nuke the Japs twice to get ‘em to smarten up, but it worked! All they did later was make a bunch of crappy Godzilla movies about giant radiation monsters. The Japs seem just as crazy now than they did before we bombed them, but at least they leave us alone!

Then we used nukes to scare the Russians into leaving us alone. Turns out they were just a bunch of drunks who couldn’t find the nuke button anyway. Losers!

If we outlaw nukes, then only outlaws will have them. Those sneaky Iranians and Koreans won’t give theirs up. I know those Koreans first hand – I fought them on Pork Chop Hill and you can’t trust them as far as you can throw a grenade. They’re jealous because Japan and China are like their cooler older brothers who got all the fancy outfits and takeout food that dumb Westerners like so much. Come on: it’s not like anybody’s gonna buy a snow globe full of barbequed beef.

Nukes create jobs for American scientists and factory workers and spies, not to mention all those anti-war hippies who need something to protest!

Mark my words: if Teleprompter Kid gets his way, he’ll turn West Point into a “Full Monty” touring company!

LOS ANGELES—Citing concerns over the recession and the desire to purchase Park Place, a child model asked that she be paid in Monopoly dollars.
The announcement has fueled speculation that US currency may be losing its clout on the world stage.

Dawn Bishop’s preference for funds derived from the Parker Brothers’ famous board game has also prompted investors to consolidate holdings on St. James Place, igniting a storm of controversy among consumer advocacy groups in the orange squares.

“New York Avenue has been rent-controlled for thirty years,” said a spokesman for the non-profit organization Anti-Monopoly Monopoly Players.  “The vibrant community this has spawned could disappear if flows of capital are directed away from the people who make the Free Parking district great.”

The decline in the American dollar has recently led to reinvestment in Monopoly holdings, with new hotels recently built in wealthier neighborhoods such as Marvin Gardens.  Yellow squares Mayor Julie Annie Rudiger attributes the unfettered growth to her aggressive policing strategy, which has left Marvin Gardens tied with Pacific Avenue for the highest incarceration rate in the board.

Although Ms. Bishop’s request has led to controversy, she has remained steadfast in her desire to protect her interests.

“American money’s boring,” she said at a press conference in Los Angeles on Tuesday.  “It’s all green.  But I don’t like the white ones either.  I like pink best.  Pink is pretty.”

Conservative commentators have accused Ms. Bishop of exacerbating—or even creating—a lack of confidence in the American economy.

“What this is doing is shifting people’s thinking away from strengthening America,” said Walt Froman, a member of the Washington-based think tank America for the New Millenium.  “It’s going to weaken the dollar further if these high-paid, high-profile people keep positioning themselves further and further away from American interests.”

For his part, Rich Uncle Pennybags has remained unfazed by the development.  “Sometimes chance goes your way, sometimes it doesn’t,” he said.  “Just keep your fingers crossed for Community Chest and keep rolling those dice.”

CHICAGO, IL – With the economy continuing its roller-coaster ride this week, retailers are expecting a different type of crowd.

Interplanetary shoppers are anticipated to make up as much as 74% of Black Friday shoppers.  Americans are tightening their belts and keeping their wallets pocketed this holiday season as bonuses are cut and lay-offs looming right around the corner.

“Typically we have a good amount of shoppers the week leading up to Thanksgiving,” Wal-Mart manager Susiana Thornward told reporters.  “But this year we haven’t noticed a dramatic spike in sales in November.  We’re a little worried about Friday.”

Experts don’t share Thornward’s skepticism.  Although big box retailers like Wal-Mart and Best Buy have not seen significant growth during the financial crisis, online retailers of those same companies, as well as Amazon.com have noted that interplanetary and intergalactic sales are booming.

Brian Dipther, consumer trend specialist for Newsweek Online said, “Since Black Friday deals are only available in stores, we expect to see large numbers of aliens flocking to stores to snatch up the incredible deals being offered by big box retailers.”

“If you thought it got ugly when hundreds of mid-westerners rush around a store trying to grab up sale items, just wait until six-armed, three-headed, slime-covered 14-foot tall aliens are fighting over a Tickle-Me Elmo.”