Ben Bernanke says that the worst of the recession is over and the economy will level out, thanks to a large reserve of gold found hidden under Mount Rushmore.

WASHINGTON, DC – The IMF predicts a shrinking world economy over the next few years. This troubling news sent lard and cornmeal futures skyrocketing.

WASHINGTON, DC – The government has been forced to pull back on defense spending. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates is pulling funding on F22 and Area 51, which is expected to close within the month.

That Obama really smashes my atoms!

LOS ANGELES—Citing concerns over the recession in the American economy and the desire to purchase Park Place, a child model asked that she be paid in Monopoly dollars.

NEW YORK, NY – With the economy continuing its roller-coaster ride this week, retailers are expecting a different type of crowd.

TOKYO, JAPAN – Following reports this week of a Japanese restaurant employing a staff of monkey waiters, Shibuya hideaway, DaiDai, has announced the recent hire of the world’s tiniest Bigfoot!

Aliens have taken all of the money on Earth!

“It’s so far away, that it doesn’t even seem like part of America anyway”