Older U.S. beer enthusiasts may soon find themselves in handcuffs.

While alcohol laws have traditionally targeted age limits for younger residents, officials are currently looking at a cap of 60 years old for legal alcohol purchases. Lawmakers cite a number of reasons for the proposal, ranging from health concerns to road safety.

“All medical professionals agree that alcohol makes the health of the elderly much worse,” said one Washington insider. “And as most DUI cases involve more grandmothers than 20-somethings, it was kind of a no-brainer. We’re all surprised this hasn’t come up before.”

New studies suggest a clear benefit from putting the cap on the drinking age. Though this first law would mostly affect the purchase of alcohol, states are expected to follow suit in their limits on home consumption. Traditionally, laws have differed state-to-state in regard to late-teens to 20-year-olds having an alcoholic beverage at home with family members. Now, the key to the liquor cabinet will have to be hidden from grandpa.

While many politicians that would be affected by the law have come out with support, Washington outsiders in their 60s and 70s feel otherwise.

“This is an outrage,” said Hoppy Milton, a 73-year-old retired pharmacist from Michigan. “It doesn’t hurt anyone for me to have a whiskey every now and then. This is exactly the kind of freedoms the government will continue to take from us if we don’t stand up to them.”

There is currently no indication when lawmakers will actually take up the drinking age cap. If no moves are made before fall, the issue is expected to take center stage during the 2012 presidential election. The Obama administration has made no official statement concerning alcohol age limits.

WISCONSIN – An Eau Claire woman called 911 after discovering she was drunk and behind the wheel.

Mary Strey, 49, told the dispatcher that “somebody’s really drunk driving down Granton Road.” When asked if she was behind them, Mary honestly explained, “I am them.”

Listen to her conversation with the dispatcher, who wisely recommends she stop driving:

Strey told police officers who arrived after she pulled over on the side of the road and turned on her flashers that she had been drinking all day. With nothing to hide, Strey estimated she consumed eight brandy and Cokes during her daylong bar crawl in Neilsville.

Strey was arrested on charges of drunk driving. Her blood alcohol level was level was 0.17.

NEW YORK – The Jets offensive tackle, D’Brickashaw Ferguson, has started a rickshaw service for drunken NFL Players.

D’Brickashaw Ferguson, who was in the car when Braylon Edwards was arrested for a DWI on Tuesday, had an idea to capitalize on the situation.  “There are a lot of NFL players that like to get drunk when they go out and they can’t be driving, so I can up with the D’Rickashaw Cabs (DC).”

D’Brickashaw thought a rickshaw would be the perfect way to transport NFL players.  “You ever hear of any dudes getting in a rickshaw accident?  Didn’t think so.”  Ferguson bought two hundred rickshaws to be placed near the practice facilities of each NFL team, and at each NFL stadium.  “We’ll be rickashawin’ here and there.”

The purpose of DS is make sure all the drunk, drugged, or doped NFL players get home safely after a night of debauchery.  “Braylon Edwards’ DWI was a real wake-up call for us, especially for me because I was passed out in the back seat. Man, what a party that was!”  Ferguson said that it would be impossible to stop NFL players from abusing drugs and alcohol.  “You can’t un-punt a punt.”  So, he just wants to make it easier to players to drink and not-drive.

NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell, fully supports both Ferguson’s rickshaw service and the rights of NFL players to get completely obliterated.  “Hey, they are young men.  And when young men want to get drunk, there’s no stopping them.  You can’t un-punt a punt.”

Not everyone is happy.  Chang Woo, a pedicab driver in New York, is upset that D’Rickashaw Service is taking business away from him.  “We here first. We pull football player better than football player could ever do! If I see D’Brick, I will smack him in D’Head!”

Las Vegas odds makers are now taking bets as to who will be the first on each team to use D’Rickashaw Cabs.  Brett Favre spoke about DS.  “I like drinking a lot of single malt Scotch after practice. And it’s good to know I can get a rickshaw home. I’ll definitely use the service.  I think.  Maybe.  I might. I won’t… but maybe I will.”

Who will be pulling the D’Rickashaws?

“Rookies,” Ferguson said.

Watch the Jets clobber the Miami Dolphins in Sunday night’s game!!

LOS ANGELES -  Judge Marsha Revel threw tarballs at Lindsay Lohan’s while sentencing her to jail.L.A. Superior Court Judge was so angered by Lohan’s disregard for the law that while sentencing her to 90 days behind bars she threw tarballs at her.   “I wish I had feathers to go with that tar,”  said the irate judge.

The “Mean Girls” star is headed to jail for violating her probation on a pair of 2007 DUI busts.  Judge Revel branded Lohan a serial liar as she hurled tarballs at her face and neck.  Lohan, overcome with emotion, was stunned by the Judge’s bizarre behavior (and her strong arm).

Lohan made a final teary-eyed plea for freedom as she attempted to pull the tarballs out of her blonde mane and mentioned the charity work she’s done with Moroccan children.  She wanted to prove that she’s a good person.  But several Moroccan children appeared in court and asked Judge Revel  to keep Lohan far away from Morocco.  They wanted to throw tarballs at Lohan too, but the Judge overruled their request.  “This is MY courtroom.  This is My tar.”

Judge Revel sentenced Lohan to three consecutive 30-day sentences – three times what prosecutors were seeking – to be followed by rehab and a trip to the Gulf of Mexico to clean up the beaches.   “Lilo is a nasty girl,”  said Revel.  “No more excuses.”  And with that the judge reared back and fired a final tarball at Lohan – a direct hit to Lohan’s forehead.  Lohan was knocked out.

When asked later why she was throwing tarballs in the courtroom, Judge Revel said that she had just returned from Louisiana and was horrified by the ecological calamity.  She brought back several tarballs to show her co-workers and had not intention of hurling them in court, but Lohan so angered her that she just started throwing.  “It felt good.  The Louisiana coastline is a disaster for this country and so is Lindsay Lohan.  I’ve recommended that she be tarballed every day while in jail.”

Court officials seemed unconcerned with Judge Revel’s behavior, and actually enjoyed watching Lohan get pelted.  Michael Lohan stood up to complain about Revel”s assault on his daughter, but the judge picked up another  tarball and said,  “Shut your pie hole, or you’ll get some of this, too.”

A scout for the Los Angeles Dodgers was in the courtroom and said that he thought the Judge had great accuracy in her throws and was planning on talking to her about a possible career change.  Meanwhile, Lohan was carried out of court by the L.A. Hazmat Team.

SYDNEY – A 200-foot wide asteroid whizzed by Earth yesterday, narrowly missing us by 40,000 miles. But now a pair of aliens are coming forward to take the blame!

Australian astronomers discovered the object, called 2009 DD45, just a few days before it arrived. While it was only 200-feet wide, the impact would have been enough to wipe out a major city.

But the astronomers appear to have been duped, as two aliens released an apology to the citizens of Earth this morning. According to the message broadcast across all major satellite channels, the aliens’ craft was actually the object that almost crashed into our planet, due to unfortunate circumstances

The video shows the two aliens, Zagar and Molok, sitting at a desk with heads bowed, reading reluctantly from a piece of paper. Zagar explains, “We were out partying in the Kuiper Belt when Molok asked if we could do a tour of your solar system. I knew he had been heavily drinking, but he’d just lost his job as a methane collector on Uranus-” Zagar stops to giggle with his buddy, “and I thought it might help cheer him up.”

“After nearly hitting your planet, we were stopped near Jupiter and taken into custody for Flying Under the Influence. This message is part of our punishment. So I apologize for nearly hitting your planet and causing a catastrophic explosion of atomic proportions. My bad.”

Silence follows. Zagar elbows his companion and prompts him, “…You’re sorry too, right, Molok?” Lost in the haze of a hangover, Molok rests his head on the desk and moans in pain.

The United Nations has asked the Galactic Police Force to propose more severe punishments for FUIs, lest Earth be destroyed by a couple of off-planet teenagers. The GPF have yet to respond, further supporting accusations that Earth is not a priority.

PHOENIX, AZ – Charles Barkley was spotted on another law-breaking ride, with a familiar passenger in tow!

After being arrested on December 31st for DUI, it was expected that Charles Barkley would lay low for awhile. But the former basketball player turned liberal commentator was photographed driving through the Arizona countryside with Bat Boy shrieking through the open-top convertible.

Gila County Police were not happy with Barkley’s apparent driving conduct. Chief Lenny Williams stated, “We have no evidence of whether Mr. Barkley was driving under the influence, or even driving over the speed limit. We are most concerned with the fact that the shirtless child in the passenger seat was not wearing a seat belt.

“It’s state law that children age 16 and under must wear a seat belt when riding in the front vehicle seat. Mutant or not, Mr. Barkley was in charge of him and he failed. This only confirms his statements early in his career that athletes should not be role models.”

Weekly World News was not able to secure a statement from Barkley on how he knows Bat Boy, but Bat Boy seems to associate himself with celebrities who look like him, such as James Blake and Mena Suvari.

ANCHORAGE, AK – Todd Palin vows to jump 25 election booths with his snowmobile on Election Day.

Todd Palin believes the stunt will increase awareness and voter turnout in support of his wife’s Vice Presidential bid.  “Last time I did something like this I got a DUI, but this time I’m helping save America!”  Palin said, and then proceeded to yell excitedly with his supporters for seven minutes.

Palin is a four time snowmobile champion and works in Alaska’s oil industry.  He never received a degree, but during his short time at college was a member of the infamous Delta Lambda Mu fraternity, the only fraternity in America to be outlawed in an amendment to the U.S. Constitution.

Also he has been a vocal member of the Alaska Separatist Movement and a judge in the 2008 Miss Alaska competition, which he says he is “most proud of.”

When asked what role he would play in a McCain Palin administration, he stated that his formidable video game skills would make him a valuable asset as a military advisor.

Mr. Palin wanted to complete his jump across the state line, marking the fifth time he has ever left Alaska, however he has been labeled Persona Non Gratis by Canada due to an incident involving a missing Labatt Blue truck, several cases of maple syrup, and a psychologically traumatized moose.

Palin concluded his press conference, held at an Anchorage sports bar, by exclaiming “My hot wife’s gonna be king of the world!”  He then fell of the table and hit his head on a pinball machine.