Famed comic actor Leslie Nielsen died Sunday at a Florida hospital. He was 84.  Don’t call him Shirley.

The Canadian-born actor is best known for his roles in the films Airplane! and The Naked Gun trilogy. The part in Airplane! proved to be pivotal for Nielsen, who had at that time built his career on dramatic roles. Airplane! provided an introduction for Nielsen as a comic force, as well as one of the most famous movie quotes of all time:

Robert Hays:  “Surely you can’t be serious?”

Nielsen:  “I am serous.  And don’t call me Shirley.”

Nielsen’s career stretched over six decades.  He got his start performing on live television in New york.  He came to Hollywood in the mid-1950s and began working in film.  His early work included Forbidden Planet, Tammy and the Bachelor with Debbie Reynolds, and most notably a role as ship captain in The Poseidon Adventure.

Nielsen’s more recent films include Spy Hard, Dracula: Dean d and Loving It, and Mr. Magoo.

LONDON – The Dracula Fish, who once attacked women in Eastern Europe, has returned!

Detectives reported last night that the Dracula Fish,  who hasn’t been seen anywhere in the world in over fifty years, has been attacking women in the Hyde Park area of London.

The Dracula Fish is a vampire fish:  that is half-human, half-fish.   He is a translucent fish that can exist outside water only at night.  The Dracula Fish first appeared in Romania in the early 1950s, but has not been seen since.  The photographs in this article are from the 1950s.

“We have several dozen women that have been bitten in Hyde Park. They all describe the perpetrator the same way – a man with a fish head, a hot male body, and who bites and sucks their blood,” said Detective Ian Frax of Scotland Yard.”

“We’ve been working on the case for about a year now.  We wanted to make sure that the Dracula Fish did in fact exist and now we have proof.  We’ve analyzed the bite marks and saliva found on the victims and matched the DNA to evidence found in the attacks in Romania in the 1950s,” said Flax. ” It is our duty to alert Londoners that the Dracula Fish is back and women must be alert.”

The Dracula Fish is six feet tall, weighs 180 pounds.  His head is large – about 15 inches high and about 24 inches around. The fish head looks harmless and sweet when its mouth is closed, but it has fangs on both the top and bottom of its jaw.  The teeth are very sharp.

The Dracula Fish comes into London at night and then takes a train back to the sea for the morning.  He sleeps in a coffin at the bottom of the sea.  Here’s a close-up picture of the Dracula Fish in its coffin in 1955.

And here is a picture that was taken by the Navy scuba-divers last week:

Women are advised to stay far away from the Dracula Fish.  “The danger is that the Dracula Fish is quite charming.  Even though he has a fish head, women seemed to be drawn to him,” said Frax.

“He was a real gentleman.  The nicest man I’ve met in years,”  said Fiona Koch, who was bitten several times by the Dracula Fish on October 5th.  “I thought he was going to kiss me, actually I was hoping he was going to kiss me and then… he bit me.  It was terrifying, but I did love it in a way.”

“That’s the danger,” said Frax.  “Women fall for his charm and then are bitten.  It’s very dangerous.”

Women who are bitten do NOT turn into a vampire or a fish.  They just suffer from headaches and depression for several months.  “He puts a spell on them.  Often after they are bitten, they go back to Hyde Park looking for him.”‘

Women, please, if you see the Dracula Fish, do not approach… there are other fish in the sea.

A new Pew Research Poll reveals that 19% of American teens are vampires.
In a national  survey of those ages 12-17, conducted on landline and cell phones, the Pew Research Center’s American Life Project found:

* 24% of teens ages 12-17 say they have trouble sleeping at night
* 29% have panic attacks when they are out in the sun
* 18% smell like lavender
* 19% have fangs
* 39% have bedrooms painted black.

The Pew Research Center’s conclusion:  19% of all American teens are vampires.

With the vampire craze at full boil due to the Twilight Saga, True Blood and the Vampire Diaries, many think that this vampire fixation is just a fad or trend.   But it’s not.

More teens today are, in fact, vampires.  Professor Chris Rigaux, Professor of Vampiric Studies at Harvard was not surprised by the findings.  “Vampires have lived among human beings for centuries.  Many vampires become dormant in their adult years, but when they are teens – they are fully evolved.  I think this study falls in line with my research.  More and more vampires are revealing themselves to the public.”

Most parents don’t mind that their teens are vampires.  “Whatever. I was a teen once.  If she wants to suck blood from boys (or girls), that’s up to her.  We used to suck on bongs.  It’s a generational thing,” said Missy Bonderson,41, of Asheville, North Carolina.

“I’m glad to know that I’m not alone,” said Casey Shotz, 15, of Minneapolis.  I know from birth that I was a vampire.  I had my first fang before I had my first tooth.”   Todd Larkin, 16, of Portland, Maine said, “I have a never-ending hunger that can’t be filled, no matter how much mortal food I consume.  I stay up until the sun rises and I hate going outside. Am I vampire? I don’t know, but will you let me suck on your neck?”

Some teens claim to be “super-vamps”.   Isabella Thompson, 14, of Reseda, CA told WWN, “garlic and silver have no effect on me.  I hate going out in the sun, and I hate doing religious things.”   Jessica Cox, 16, of Plano, TX said, “I never feel weak, scared, or drained. I’m really strong. When I see blood, something inside me just comes to life. I love meat, especially rare steak. I have never broken a bone, nor been injured severely at all, apart from some stitches and a cracked fang. “

What should parents do if their teen is a vampire?  “Leave them alone. Don’t go in their room.  Don’t upset them,” said Professor Rigaux.  “The best way for adults to handle this situation is let their teen vampires be teen vampires.”  Asked whether he thought vampires were a threat to the safety of Americans, Rigaux said, “Well, I’m a vampire myself, so I’d say no, we are not a threat at all. But if there’s a blood shortage, look out.”

Considering 1 in 5 teens are vampires, of course the other 4 in 5 are jealous and want to be part of the “in” crowd.  But they won’t ever be real vampires.  You have to be born a vampire.  So they are left with just trying to “look” like vampires.

Here a popular video on how to look like a vampire (for those teens that aren’t):

Are YOU a vampire?

LOS ANGELES, CA – Sophia Loren was summoned to present at the 81st Academy Awards last night, but many of the younger actresses were warned to stay away.

Born in 1934, Loren is an award-winning actress and widely beloved sex symbol. Although recently absent from film, Loren was called to the Oscars to present Best Actress, along with Halle Berry, Shirley Maclaine, Marion Cotillard and Nicole Kidman. Loren magically kept her perfect looks well past her prime, but as evident from last night, her regimen is starting to slip.

Many of the actresses attending the ceremonies were excited to meet the legendary beauty, but Academy staff advised them to steer clear of her. “It was very strange,” explained Cotillard. “As soon as we stepped backstage, a security guard was by her side, watching her every move. It almost seemed like he was guarding us from her, not the other way around.”

It has long been rumored that Loren charms promising young actresses and takes them under her wing for mentoring. But none of these girls are ever heard from again, while Loren continues to thrive.

Later in the evening, Loren was caught examining Anne Hathaway’s necklace too closely, and was quickly ushered away.