WASHINGTON – President Obama rallies America in his State of the Union Address.

President Obama gave a riveting State of the Union address this evening.  Much of the President’s focus was on the economy and job creation. He referenced many hard working Americans and created a pep rally of sorts in an attempt to energize the American people.

With the American economy growing at a sluggish rate and job development still less than anticipated, the President asked Congress and the American people to consider how they can “win the future”, referencing America’s originality and innovation throughout history.

Some Republican Senators took this the wrong way and immediately took out their Blackberries and iPhones and began making wagers at Poker.com.  While others tried to outsource their wager making to the interns in the back of the room, completely missing the mark on the President’s reference.

Continuing on the topic of the economy, the President referenced a need to reduce the deficit. He proposed a five-year freeze in discretionary spending and tens of billions of dollars in defense cuts. However, he promised that Social Security would be left alone until somebody could come up with a better solution.

It was noticed by several attendees and members of Congress that during the speech Timothy Geithner made a quick note to himself writing “buy Casio calculator watches for all of Treasury department… no reason for anyone to have discrepancies…yes!”

President Obama also spoke to the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, insuring the American public that “no American will be forbidden from serving the country they love because of who they love”. This incited a rousing standing ovation from virtually everyone with the exception of three generals seated promptly in the front row, none of which stood nor clapped in response to the President’s remarks.

When the generals were asked after the speech why they chose not to stand or clap, the generals cited “old war injuries and bad knees”. As the generals were hurried off by their aides to avoid further questioning, the words “Fruit Loops” were heard from afar.

In Republican Senator Paul Ryan’s response to the speech he referenced the speedy recovery of Senator Giffords, the crushing debt that the country is enduring and that the next generation will inherit a stagnate economy but did not make any reference to online gambling, Casio calculator watches or Fruit Loops.

WASHINGTON – The Senate voted to repeal the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy for the military, then applied it to Congress!

Yesterday on Capitol Hill, the Senate voted to repeal the 17-year-old “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy by a slim margin, but with one stipulation: members of Congress must now abide by their own “Don’t ask, Don’t tell” policy!

Until yesterday, members of Congress were still debating whether or not to repeal the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy, which forbids openly gay citizens from joining the military. But after Congress decided to adopt its own DADT policy, the addendum to enforce the ruling in Congress and the Senate made it an easy decision for a few undecideds to sway the tide.

“At first I was very much opposed to the repeal,” stated Senator John McCain, “but then when we decided to enforce “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” in Congress, I was all for it. Most of us are gay anyway so it’s not like we would be admitting to anything that we all already didn’t know.”

“Whoops,” he added. “Did I say that out loud?”

Though Congress’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy passed with an overwhelming majority, a handful of openly gay Congress members have raised their voices in protest.

“If we cannot vocalize on our true nature, then we must show it in other ways” proclaimed Senator Tom Coburn.

Coburn, along with several other gay Congressmen, have come together to form the “My Beard, My Life” initiative.

“Our beards are a symbol of our homosexuality,” said Coburn, while running a hand through his gray, stubbly whiskers. “Just because we can’t say we’re gay doesn’t mean we can’t show it!”

Senator McCain announced earlier this week that he too will grow a beard and join Coburn in the “My Beard, My Life” movement.

“Most gay congressmen already have beards,” said McCain, referring to the term used by closeted gays to describe their wives. “But now that beard is where it belongs: on our faces!”

Even some female Congress members have joined in on the movement.
“I really wish that they could have thought about lesbians with the “My Beard, My Life” campaign,” said Tammy Baldwin, an openly gay U.S. Representative for Wisconsin’s 2nd congressional district. “We might not be able to grow beards, but we can by grow out our leg hair and wear more skirts.”

So there you have it. It’s okay to be gay in the military but not in Congress! Now it’s only a matter of time before we see more members of the Senate and House sporting Chia Legs and the Grizzly Adams look!

PHOTOS by BOY MACK

I’m madder than a tranny who’s run out of duct tape!

All day long I have to hear about “gays, gays, gays!” Now we’re back on the “don’t ask, don’t tell” thing. I’m sick of it.

Even army guys are coming out saying get rid of the rule. OK, fine. They know better, I guess. But in my day, back in Korea on Pork Chop Hill, let me tell you: we didn’t want any pansies in OUR squad!

The closest we wanted to get to a fruitcake was some Seoul she-male while we were on leave, and even then, that wasn’t old Ed’s cup of tea, no sir! I like my women 100% real!

Anyhow, I guess now we’re stuck with gays in the military, which doesn’t explain why the uniforms are getting uglier, not better looking. And from what I hear, the food hasn’t improved much, either. So what difference does it make, I guess.

I can’t even keep straight what to call them! If I say “pansies,” my granddaughter throws her fork at me. But they keep changing what they want to be called, dammit!

I’m an old man! I can barely remember what day it is, let alone the new name for queers!

And now that creepy ballerina guy in the White House is in trouble for saying “retarded.” That was a perfectly good word until the Kennedys stole it and said nobody could use it any more!

Everybody knows they just invented that Special Olympics to cover up what a scumbag family they are!

What we really need are another Olympics that gives medals to chicks who can run away from the Kennedys!

Want a little more Anger? Check out Ed’s own site at EdAnger360.com

WASHINGTON, DC – The Pentagon is lifting a ban on letting gays serve openly in the military.  Government officials have developed several plans for an “All Gay Fighting Force.”

Since the Clinton era the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy has banned gays from serving openly in the military.  With the need for more soldiers and more political capital, President Obama has pressured heads of the state department to come up with an alternative that would let gay soldiers serve openly.  Officials within the Defense Department have developed plans for how to integrate what is being dubbed the “First Fabulous Battalion.”

“The first step towards total integration is a seperate openly gay battalion,” said Defense Secretary Robert Plant.  “Within that group we can work out any kinks with, oh wait.  I didn’t mean, was that offensive?  I don’t know.  What I mean is we’ll work out any problems there first.  Not that I have a problem personally…  I need to go.”

Plans are being drafted for an all-gay subdivision within each of the major branches of the military.  Newly formed battalions will allow gay members of the Army and Marines to perform standard military duties openly.  The only difference would be a more lenient policy towards mustaches and short shorts.  The Army is meeting with gay military members of the BDSM community for possible use in interrogations.  “These people know how to inflict pain without bruising or drawing blood.  Uncle Sam can use that,” said Gen. John Swiftman.  “And their sheer appearance could be enough to intimidate Islamic Fundamentalists.”

The CIA, already in a hiring push, is reaching out more openly to the drag queen community, hoping to recruit spies with experience performing either gender.  The Navy will be commissioning a new vessel, the SS Eleanor Roosevelt, for openly gay service among its seamen.  The christening ceremony for the ship is planned for early March and will be attended by the surviving members of the Village People.