Thousands of aliens are masquerading as doctors in America and the patients who go to them are being subjected to unethical medical treatment, a leading researcher warns.

In fact, Dr. Terrence Starnes estimated that as many as two million innocent Americans are trusting their health to alien creatures.

“This isn’t just an alarming situation – it’s a terrifying situation, ” the UFO expert told newsmen in Los Angeles. “These extraterrestrial impostors have infiltrated the medical establishment and are using our own hospitals, tools and trust to achieve their evil ends.”

Dr. Starnes refused to say how he learned about the aliens but alleged that medical authorities are aware of the situation and actually have conspired to keep it under wraps to avoid a public relations nightmare.

The expert went on to say that patients must do everything in their power to protect themselves against the physician-intruders, who are alleged to be conducting life-threatening medical experiments, including the implantation of mind-control devices, under the guise of helping people out.

Dr. Starnes also provided the following list of guidelines to help you determine if your doctor is a space alien:

1. Beware of doctors who have trouble identifying body parts. If you complain of pain in an elbow and he examines your wrist or forearm, you might very well be in the clutches of an extraterrestrial.
2. Human physicians often run late, but extraterrestrials are always right on time.
3. A doctor’s handwriting is usually quite sloppy. But aliens labor over their handwriting and the result is easy-to-read printing.
4. Most doctors draw blood for testing but need very little to get the job done. Physicians who ask for a quart or more of your blood have a hidden agenda – and may be extraterrestrials.
5. The vast majority of doctors dispense drugs through prescriptions and pharmacist. Alien doctors prefer to pass out “sample” pills and preparations that usually have nothing to do with the patient’s illness.
6. Aliens often recommend surgery for patients who feel great and have no symptoms of disease.

“Take these warning signs seriously,” said Dr. Starnes. “If two or more of them apply to your doctor, he’s almost certainly an alien.”

…and not delivering them! I’m madder than a surgeon with a rusty scalpel – I went to the doctor’s office the other day and found the old sawbones I’ve been going to for 40 years had hung up his stethoscope – and his replacement was a woman.

This whole idea of women taking men’s jobs is something that has been getting my goat ever since the women’s lib wackos cooked it up back in the 1970s. I say there are some jobs women just weren’t meant to have. I’ve never seen a female football player who could knock over a man. I’ve never seen a female stand-up comic who was funny. And I’ve never seen a gal yet who could pilot a 747.

Let’s face it, women are more qualified to serve coffee or tea on a plane than they are to sit in the cockpit. Would you put your life in the hands of a lady pilot who’s got to pull over every five minutes and ask for directions, and check the rear-view mirror while she puts on her make-up?

And those lady comics – give me a break! All they ever talk about is their feminine health problems. The day you see Ed Anger laughing at a PMS joke is the day I shave my legs and start wearing a garter belt, by jiminey!

Years ago, women used to know their place. They let men handle the important jobs like driving cars, building things, and surgery. They knew there were some jobs they shouldn’t even bother applying for.

Look at my loving wife, Thelma Jean – you never saw her putting on a construction worker’s helmet or driving a truck. She’s always been happy making my dinner, doing my laundry and keeping my house clean. That should be all any woman needs to have a full and satisfying life.

These modern gals have to stick their feminist noses in places they don’t belong – like in a doctor’s office. To make matters worse, the lady doc whose office I wound up in had a male receptionist. And even though this male-secretary was all smiles, I could tell he was plenty upset to be doing a job that was more suited for someone wearing a skirt.

I’m sure that office would’ve been much happier if the man was doing the doctoring and the woman was answering the phones. I guess it makes a kind of sense to have special women doctors for female problems, but there’s no reason on Earth why a man should have to go see a woman doctor.

I figure I’ve made it through 72 years of perfect health without a woman doctor and I plan on making it 20 or 30 more years the same way.

I’ll have to admit this gal tricked me at first because I figured she was just the nurse. But then she had the gall to ask me to take off my shirt. Whoa, Nellie! Ed Anger doesn’t undress in front of any woman, except my wife, and even that’s done in the dark.

This Medicine Gal pulled out a bunch of her medical doohickeys, and I could see she was getting ready to poke me in a way that no woman ever has – or ever will.

Needless to say, I was out of there in a flash – and on my way out the door I told the male-secretary that he could cancel all the appointments the Anger family has with this lady sawbones.

Now I’m gonna go out and find me a new family physician . . . and you can bet your bottom dollar it’ll be a fella!

A coal miner is nursing a sore tush — and a tormenting fear that he’s destined to join the ranks of the undead.

Jorge Cortez was just finishing his shift in the Molinaro Coal Mine near the city of Santa Elena, Venezuela, when he heard the violent pounding of giant wings in a dark passageway.

Before he could react, an enormous bat flew out of the tunnel and made straight for him.

“I turned to run, but he bit me on my backside,” Cortez says. “I screamed and fainted from the pain.”

The 44-year-old miner awoke lying on his stomach in the emergency room of Santa Maria Hospital in Santa Elena.

“The doctors were standing around, looking at me and laughing,” he says. “They didn’t believe me when I told them I’d been attacked by a bat with a wingspan of at least 12 feet. They tested my blood for drugs.”

Despite their skepticism, the medics confirm that Cortez sustained two puncture wounds on his left buttock.

They also note that he demonstrated a “morbid fascination” with blood and had to be forcibly removed from the hospital’s blood bank.

“I know it was a vampire,” the miner says from a standing position.

“I always used to like my steaks well done. Now, I want them rare.”

DENVER, Colo. — Playboy Kurt Fulson has never made a proposal on his knee. “Though I have, in fact, just received one there,” the billionaire told Weekly World News.

Fulson, who took a nasty spill while snowboarding on Aspen Mountain, discovered a phone number stitched into his left leg after reconstructive surgery. “I saw the name ‘Sandy’ sutured right next to the number,” Fulson added. ‘Sandy’ turned out to be Dr. Sandra Nemington, head of the surgical team responsible for rebuilding Fulson’s ligaments.

 “I saw him when he arrived for prep and couldn’t resist leaving my info,” Dr. Nemington said. “I imagine he gets a lot of numbers and I didn’t want him to overlook mine.” Nemington insisted that the digits, artfully stitched, won’t become part of Fulson’s permanent scar in case things don’t work out.

Will love bloom a patella? Fulson remained guarded during a set of leg exercises with his physical therapist, Natasha. “I can’t make any promises,” he said with a wink, “though so far, Sandy has made me a bit wobbly in the knees.”

MUSCATINE, Iowa — A local hospital recently revealed that Allan Collinson, son of Ted and Dede Collinson, was born with fragmented, refracted eyes.

“At first I thought they were just really, really bright,” said his proud but confused mother. “Like he was angelic or something. But when they handed the swaddled newborn to me and I looked close, I saw they were like diamonds. That’s when I started talking real loud and real fast. I didn’t want to start screaming, ’cause that might scare the baby.”

“We call them ‘multi-faceted ocularities,’” explained Dr. Wayne Dickens, the country’s leading optometrist/pediatrician, who traveled from Accokeek, Maryland to offer his assistance to the family. “Even though little Allan is the first child born with this condition, we’ve been expecting this for some time now. In this age of PCs, video iPods, videogames, cell phones, HD-TVs, those wonderful Blu-ray players, and every other light source today’s generation stares into for hours at a stretch, it was only a matter of time before nature took its course.”

Dr. Dickens foresees a time in the not-so-distant future when all newborn eyes will be genetically predisposed to handle the demands put on them by the modern age. “This is not an aberration. This is evolution!” For their part, mama and papa Collinson are just happy that baby Allan has all his fingers and toes.

“I’m told it will look, to him, like he has about eight hundred digits, but he’ll get used to that,” his mother said. “Right,” agreed Ted. “If he had come out a full-fledged fly-baby, we’d be a little concerned — though we wouldn’t love him any less.”

For now he’s just the couple’s bright-eyed boy. “Though you don’t get into a staring contest with him,” Ted added. “Trust me, you’d lose.”