HOLLYWOOD –  The Discovery Channel’s upcoming reality series, Dark Mind, has convicted serial killers solve cold-case murders. 

The killer, identified on the air only as “13,” will be heard on the show each week telling investigators where and what to look for.

In the hit, 1991 movie “The Silence of the Lambs,” imprisoned serial killer/cannibal Dr. Hannibal Lecter (played by Anthony Hopkins) helps FBI agent Clarice Starling (Jodie Foster) nab a serial killer by getting inside the killer’s mind.

On the TV show, “13″ will be heard but not seen.

His directions were recorded during a marathon phone session with investigators from his undisclosed prison.

It’s not the first time a company has created a product based on serial killers.  There was the calendar:

And,  the trading cards:

“Dark Minds” hosts John Kelly, a well-known criminal profiler, chose “13″ for the show because he’d interviewed the killer several times before, producers said.

“We spoke to ’13′ over the phone for a couple of reasons,” says series executive producer Jeanie Vink. “Prison access is getting harder . . . and we just didn’t want to feed his ego on any level.”

“13,” who isn’t on death row — “There are some cases still pending and it’s possible he might be connected to more murders,” Vink says — was not paid to appear on the show.

Before Ted Bundy was executed in 1989, he tried to help authorities catch the Green River killer.

The show refuses to give any information on his identity, the murders he’s been convicted of or where he is being incarcerated. On the show, his voice is digitally altered so that it cannot be recognized.

Kelly and author/crime expert M. William Phelps, act as co-hosts for the show — set to debut in January.

The show takes up an unsolved murder case every week — including the “Eastbound Strangler” in Atlantic City, where four prostitutes were slain in 2006.

“The spooky part to me is how normal ’13′ sounds in real life,” says Vink. “We’re trying to get into his head and get his unique perspective.

“He certainly confirmed a lot of the suppositions that Kelly and the police are making as they built their profiles” of the killers, she says.

HOLLYWOOD – The Discovery Channel is teaming up with the Vatican to create an exorcism reality show.

Pope Benedict XVI has greenlit a  Discovery Channel reality show that will reconstruct cases of alleged hauntings and demonic possession investigated by the Catholic Church.

The show will include access to the Vatican’s case files and interviews with the organization’s top exorcists.  The Pope himself, will appear in a few episodes, as he oversees the exorcisms.

The show will feature a lot of “behind the scenes” activities at the Vatican.   The Priests (Bishops and Cardinals) that will be performing the exorcisms will meet and discuss each case.

“If you thought the Real Housewives of New Jersey was wild, wait until you see certified Exorcists arguing over how to get demons out of possessed people.  Talk about fireworks!” said Elisabeth Helmers, a producer for The Exorcist Files.

Discovery is confident that the first season is will be a head-spinning success.  The Catholic Church are allowing full-access to camera crews that will be accompanying exorcists as they do their work.

Discovery president Chester Willow said: “The Vatican is an extraordinarily hard place to get access to, but we explained we’re not going to try to tell people what to think… The work these folks do, and their conviction in their beliefs, make for fascinating stories.  And they agreed to the deal, especially after we made a substantial donation to the Catholic Church.”

Of course there will be celebrity cameos and in the first six episodes Vatican priests will perform exorcisms on Lindsay Lohan and Mel Gibson.  Neither of the stars have agreed to the exorcism, but there will be a Catholic intervention that will add a lot of spice to the show.  “The Church is particularly excited to do an exorcism of Mel Gibson,” said Cardinal Chris Bantoni of Rome.  “There’s going to be demons flying everywhere when we get done with him.”

The Exorcist Files will air on Discovery in the spring.

Here’s a taste of what you might see on the reality show:

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama will appear on tonight’s episode of Mythbusters.

In tonight’s episode, the show’s hosts, Jamie Hyneman and Adam Savage, will try to prove that Obama is not a Muslim and that he was born in the United States.

We received a personal call from President Obama, asking them to come to the White House,” said Adam Savage, one of the show’s myth-busting hosts. “He wanted us to solve a problem that has been bugging him for a long time.”

A White House spokesman said that Obama asked the Mythbusters to “prove to the American people that he is not a Muslim, and that he was red blooded American just like everybody else.”

Some Americans believe that president Obama was born in Africa, and that he forged his birth certificate so that he could run for President of the United States. Others have criticized Obama for lying about his religion. Over 65% of Americans believe that Obama is actually a Muslim, not a Christian.

“Honestly, this was one of the hardest episodes we’ve ever had to shoot,” said Adam Savage, one of the show’s two hosts. “We had to search through pages and pages of documents to try to prove that Obama isn’t a Muslim. It was grueling. I’m not even sure we did a good enough job.”

Representatives from the MythBusters show said that the hosts spent weeks trying to find proof that Obama wasn’t a Muslim. They even traveled to Kenya, the birthplace of Obama’s father, to look for evidence.

“We started this project months ago,” said Jamie Hyneman, “but we wouldn’t air it until tonight because we had so much research to do. We were so busy we didn’t even get to blow anything up!”

The show’s producers refused to tell the Weekly World News whether or not the myth was busted.

“That’s just something you’re going to have to see for yourself,” said Peter Rees, the creator of MythBusters. “But I can promise you this: the result will shock you.”

But some White House officials are fearful that the episode might portray President Obama in a negative light. Now they’re asking Discover Channel to pull the episode and air something else.

“Whether Obama is a Muslim or not isn’t important,” said Hilary Clinton, Obama’s Secretary of State. “What is important is that this episode never airs! It’s too damaging, even for Obama!”

In preparation for widespread controversy, the producers of MythBusters chose to shoot an alternate “myth” in which he asks Adam and Jamie to debunk the story that Greek mathematician Archimedes set fire to an invading ship by using a system of mirror’s to reflect the rays of the sun.

“If the White House decides to pull the original footage, we’re going to air this one instead,” said Rees. “You’ll just have to wait for tonight and see for yourself.”

ALASKA – Three captains quit the hit reality show “Deadliest Catch,” but they signed a new one:  Captain Hook.

Captain Hook, who was played by Dustin Hoffman in the movie, “Hook,” is a real Captain that fishes in the Atlantic Ocean.  He has been signed on to replaced Capts. Jonathan and Andy Hillstrand and Capt. Sig Hansen, who quit the other day.

The Hillstrand brothers quit after being sued by Discovery for not working on a planned spin-off show entitled, Hillstranded.  That’s when the Hillstrands quit, and Hansen joined them.

“We have been through a lot over the past year and unfortunately given the current situation with Discovery we are unable to continue participating in ‘Deadliest Catch,’” the fishermen said in a joint written statement.

The Hillstrand Brothers

Discovery Channel executives have moved on.  “We had a great run with the Hillstrands and Sig, but now we are moving on.  Captain Hook is going to be great for the show,” said Producer Joe Lanacon.

“Captain Hook is a villainous thief and a pirate, but he also knows how to catch crab,” said Lanacon.  “I think his crab count is going to blow everyone else out of the water.”

Asked if he was worried that Captain Hook might attack other crab boats, Lanacon said, “No, that’s what makes good TV.  The conflict.  We always want conflict.  And Captain Hook and his crew of thugs and murders is really going to spice up the series.”

Captain Hook was unavailable for comment, but his spokesman did say that he intends on “catching a lot of crab and stealing a lot of crap.”

The other Captains in the fleet are gearing up for Captain Hook, they have all put canons on their crab boats.
“It’s gonna be a great season,” said Lanacon.  “It’s really going to be the Deadliest Catch.”

SEASIDE HEIGHTS, NJ – Sharks celebrates the new season of Shark Week on the Jersey Shore.

Dun, dun… dun, dun… Shark Week is back on the Discovery Channel!  The channel introduced a live “Shark Cam” at 12:30pm ET today.  A great white shark, anxious to become a reality star, kicked off the week in a big way by going after the cast of Jersey Shore.

Snooki got away from the shark (but not the cops), but The Situation and JWoww were not so lucky. The great white actually came ashore and grabbed The Situation as he was about to put more hair gel on his head.  JWoww was busy telling fans how to be a guidette when the great white snagged her.

The Great White, who nicknamed himself The Schmoop, thrashed around with the two Jersey Shore stars in his jaws for about a half-hour, delighting both Discovery fans and MTV fans alike.  He then chewed them both up and spit them out.  Governor Chris Christie and New Jersey Italian-Americans celebrated the demise of the Jersey Shore stars by setting off fireworks and by giving The Schmoop a GPS Jersey Shore Locator to help him find DJ Pauly and the rest of the Jersey Shore cast.

The Schmoop, who spoke through a Shark Translator (Fonzi), told fans what the initials G.T.L.T., often used on the show, meant:   Guido Tastes Like Tuna.

Here’s some Shark party supplies if you want to celebrate The Schmoop and Shark Week.

Here’s a Shark Attack Survival Guide:

ANCHORAGE, AK – “Deadliest Catch” fishing vessel Cornelia Marie will continue its adventures without its captain!

Phil Harris, whose adventures off of the Alaskan coast were shown on the show “Deadliest Catch”, has died at 53 from a massive stroke on Jan 29. The stroke occurred while his vessel, Cornelia Marie, was in port at St. Paul Island, Alaska. The captain was flown immediately to Anchorage for surgery but died last night due to complications.

“Deadliest Catch” depicts the crab fishing industry in the dangerous waters off Alaska and has been running for five seasons now. Captain Phil Harris’ vessel has been one of the few featured on every season. At 21, Harris took a fishing vessel out of Seattle, making him one of the youngest captains to take a vessel in the Bering Sea. Captain Harris became an immensely popular figure within the show due to his blunt personality, incredible work ethic, and unique sense of humor.

“It is with great sadness that we say goodbye to our dad – Captain Phil Harris. Dad has always been a fighter and continued to be until the end,” sons Josh and Jake Harris said in a statement. Elizabeth Hillman, Discovery Channel senior vice president, said in a statement, “Phil was a devoted father and loyal friend to all who knew him. We will miss his straightforward honesty, wicked sense of humor, and enormous heart.”

NEW YORK CITY, NY – A somber press conference was held yesterday evening where sharks protested their depiction on Discover Channel’s shark week. At a rented press room in the midtown Hilton several sharks spoke to their world about their frustration, and their dignity.

Below is an excerpt from their statement.

“Again summer arrived and again Discovery Channel begins its campaign of lies. Every year we sit and watch as the parade of intolerance known as Shark Week drops poo into our mental feeding ground. Our species is already demonized in the media as mindless, soulless killers. In their desperate bid for ratings Shark Week perpetuates stereotypes that lead to 500 extra shark deaths every year.

“This year we say No More! This year we stand up to the lies and misinformation being spread in the chase of the almighty dollar. We have come here to the surface, risking out lives and holding our breath, to make our voices heard. Our ancient culture is being degraded by this channel and it has to stop.

“Their sensationalized programming leads to a drastic increase in hate-based crimes against sharks every year.  Over 500 lives are lost in violent unnecessary deaths.  Hundreds more are assaulted.  And these are just the crimes that are being reported.  Who knows how many sharks are being abused but suffer in silence.

“Did you know that like whales we communicate through shark-song?  Did you know that our native language has over 200 words for blood?  No.  Discovery Channel probably didn’t tell you that.  They only tell you about teeth and eating.  When was the last time you saw a positive representation of sharks in the media?  When was the last time a noble shark saved the day and got the girl by eating all the bad stuff nobody else would?

“Discovery Channel, and those like them, are only telling you half the story.  For your children’s sake, for all our sakes, we must to reject this for the sensationalized bigoted fiction that it is!  No more deaths!  No more hate!  No more Shark Week!”

The protestors, all wearing Brooks Brothers suits, then became so excited that they ate the reporters in the first two rows.  Discovery Channel has yet to comment on the allegations of racial profiling against sharks in their summer lineup.

CAPE TOWN, SOUTH AFRICA – “Man vs. Wild” star Bear Grylls was airlifted out of Antarctica over the weekend after sustaining a shoulder injury.

The Discovery Channel issued a press release saying only that Grylls was not filming for the popular TV show, and that he is on his way home to the UK for treatment. There was no explanation for why he was in Antarctica or how he was injured.

However, Weekly World News has obtained an exclusive interview with one of Grylls’ travel companions, as well as a photo revealing the star’s adversary: a yeti!

According to Mr. Steven Vacchs, wildlife photographer, a small group had traveled into the Antarctic wasteland with Grylls to promote the use of alternative energy, such as solar-powered base camps and bioethanol powered jet skis.

While on a break, Grylls decided to entertain the crew by digging up a seal corpse to point out the different parts they could eat. Due to it being frozen solid, Grylls reverted to beating it on a nearby rock to try and get at the blubber inside.

Unbeknownst to Grylls, a nearby yeti became infuriated by his waste of the precious cryptid’s main food source and charged at the survivalist. The two tussled for the better part of ten minutes. Grylls commanded the crew film the fight, during which he gave helpful tips on yeti behavior while dodging its vicious claws. He also managed  to remove his shirt at some point and repeatedly aimed his six-pack at the camera.

The yeti finally tired and loped off, clearly unimpressed with the British adventurer’s skills and physique. Only then did Grylls allow the crew to carry him back to the base camp to be airlifted away.

Vacchs provided notes in Grylls’ handwriting of his plans to release the video as a Discovery Channel special, with possible titles:

Man vs. Yeti
Survivorhumanoid
Ultimate Cryptid Championship (UCC)