VIRGINIA – Dick Cheney is writing his memoirs.  Weekly World News has acquired an advance look at the torrid tale of his relationship with President Bush.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney surprised the world by saying he would publish a memoir.  For years he has been famous for his obsession with privacy.  Now, turning a new leaf, the former Vice President has been seen walking along the beach handwriting his book while sipping mint juleps.  He writes everything down in cursive on parchment, a detail he says his publishers must recreate in the release of the book.

The book is set to focus on his relationship with President Bush, describing first their interdependent closeness which in time turned into a cold distance.  He writes “it was a cold day that October morning.  I came in for the morning briefing with an extra mocha latte for George.  It took an extra twenty minutes out of my morning, but he liked them and I know he’s been under stress.  I went to hand it to him, but he didn’t notice.  He was too busy reading popularity polls.  ‘Here you go Mister President, your favorite.’  All he could be bothered to say was a quick ‘Thanks’ before going back to his paper.  I felt so stupid, standing there waiting for his approval.  Quickly I excused myself from the Oval Office, went in the bathroom and cried.  I was so mad, so hurt, I wanted to shoot a man in the face.”

Later in the book he writes “Things had been so different between us, I didn’t know who he was anymore.  It was like those days on the ranch had never happened.  Where was the warm cowboy who never cared what people thought and would laugh with me while starting a war.  Standing in front of me was a Washington apologist who lived and died by his approval polls.  Had that man even existed?  Was it all just a beautiful dream?  No.  It was real.  I knew because I still had the flower in my breast pocket.  The one he gave me.”

And towards the end.  “It was all over now.  There was nothing left to say between us.  Quietly I took the flower out of my pocket and placed it on his desk, where I knew he’d find it.  Next to it was the note  ‘…From Turdblossom.’”

No release date has been set for the book.

WASHINGTON, DC – Handymen accidentally cracked open the man-sized safe of exiting Vice President Dick Cheney while transferring his effects.

Statements taken from several of the workers before they were processed and detained by homeland security officials indicate the safe was loaded with more than 100 video cassettes of “chick flicks” and romantic comedies, such as “Steel Magnolias,” “Sleepless In Seattle,” “The Notebook,” “Legally Blonde,” “While You Were Sleeping,” and “Stanley and Iris”.

Additionally, workers came across dozens of audio mix tapes featuring tracks by Air Supply, Josh Groban, and Norah Jones. “I expected to find lots of papers and secret documents about torture, Iraq, Halliburton… stuff like that,” said Ignacio Cordoba of D.C. based moving company Smooth Movers. “Instead, it was just a bunch of Sandra Bullock and Dermot Mulrooney crap fests and mix tapes.”

Witnesses noted the 90-minute chrome cassettes had names such as ‘Dick’s Slow Jamz’ which featured “Here And Now,” by Luther Vandross and ‘Dick’s Heart Attack Of Love,’” which closed with Eric Carmen’s “Hungry Eyes” from the “Dirty Dancing” soundtrack.

Other handlers of the safe noted a manilla envelope that read “Reagan DNA” and a shoe box labeled “Back-Up Heart.” When Cheney noticed what the witnesses had seen, he quickly attempted a diversion by purposely pulling a muscle in his back. He will now be forced to attend President Elect Barack Obama’s inauguration ceremony in a wheelchair.

When contacted, a spokesperson for Cheney said that the workers were mistaken and probably meant Dylan McDermot, but then quickly cut himself short and said “no comment.” Cheney’s office then requested the email addresses and social security numbers of the surrounding press pool in order to “contact them later with any updates”.

WASHINGTON, DC – Vice President Dick Cheney has announced that he is a Vampire.  At a press conference in the hours before dawn, Cheney stated, “I am an Undead-American.”

His admission comes as a shock to most Americans, but is no surprise to anyone who knew him well.  This may also shed light on his questionable relationship with Chief of Staff Alfred Renfield.

Cheney answered several questions relating to the nature of his vampirism.  According to his statement he was bitten while on a diplomatic mission to Eastern Europe during the first Bush administration.  During the day he either works in underground White House rooms, or rests in the man-sized safe in his office.

When asked how he reconciles being a vampire with his conservative policies, Cheney growled “This is a private family matter, which we have worked through, and will continue to work through.”

Dick Cheney went on to say “I don’t believe my thirst for blood has affected my politics.”

Clearly the Vice President waited until after the election to come out of the coffin, so as to not further alienate voters already scared by the Republican Party. The recent trend in vampire-sexy with successes like “Twilight” and “True Blood” also made Cheney feel more apt to be accepted.

Vampire Advocacy groups are condemning the soon to be ex-vice president for not coming out sooner.  Gabrielle LeFleur of Fangs for Friends said “He is only encouraging vampirism as something to be ashamed of.  These Log-Mausoleum Republicans do not help the cause.”

The Vice President’s announcement comes on the heels of reports of seven missing White House interns; six beautiful women and one confused effeminate young man.  After staring into Cheney’s eyes, experts believe there is no connection.