WASHINGTON, DC -  Sources close to Hillary Clinton say  she will announce her run for President.

Hillary Clinton came to WWN Headquarters and told editors that she is livid about the downgrade of the U.S. Credit Rating.  “I’ve stood silent long enough.  I don’t think Obama is a leader and I know… I know I can do a much better job.  I am a true leader and… I am going to challenge Barack Obama for the Democratic nomination for the President of the United States.”

The White House was quick to deny the news, saying that as far as they knew Hillary Clinton is happy as Secretary of State and remains loyal to Barack Obama.

But, WWN has learned  that in recent weeks, Bill Clinton, has been meeting with democratic operatives in Washington and grass roots leaders early primary states of Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina.  Bill thinks this time around, Hillary can easily wrestle the nomination from a weakened Barack Obama.

“It’s her time.  The nation desperately needs Hillary.  The world desperately needs Hillary,” Bill Clinton told  WWN’s Frank Lake in phone interview last night.

Some cynical Republican consultants feel that this was the plan all along.  “They made a pact back in 2008.  Barack would serve one term and get Obamacare passed, then Hillary would serve two terms and pass the other elements of their progressive agenda. The plan is working perfectly.”

Sources close to Hillary said, however, that Hillary has not spoken to Barack Obama personally in over three weeks.  “Hillary feels that President Obama has moved dramatically to the center and abandoned the core progressive principles they both old dear.”

A quick Rasmussen poll of Democratic primary voters puts the race at 52% for Hillary and 45% for Obama with 3% undecided.

James Carville, Paul Begala and, surprisingly, Dick Morris, have all signed up to join the Hillary for President team.  2012 is going to be a wild  year.

Bill Clinton likes Hillary’s chances.  “Hillary is going to crush Obama.  And the country is going to get two for one.  We are back, baby.  We’re back!!”

Republicans and Tea Party Patriots are… very worried.  VERY worried.

CRAWFORD, TX -  George W. Bush reveals in his memoir, Decision Points, that he personally waterboarded VP Dick Cheney.

The release of former President George W. Bush’s memoir, ‘Decision Points,’ has reignited the debate over his decision to green-light the use of waterboarding on three suspected terrorists, an interrogation technique that has since been banned by current President Barack Obama.

But in a startling revelation, Bush said that on three separate occasions he waterboarded his Vice President, Dick Cheney.

“Dick was so in favor of waterboarding, that I thought he should experience it himself to see what it was like.  He thought it was a very effective tool.”  Bush went on to say that after waterboarding Cheney as a “test” he used it on two other occasions to get the Vice President to keep his mouth shut on certain issues.

“Dick was making me look bad a few times when he was flapping his big gums to the press. He was too arrogant.  So, I had to waterboard him to get him to shut his pie hole.”

Here’s a shot of Bush and the Secret Service waterboarding Cheney:

In the book and during an interview with NBC’s Matt Lauer on Monday night, President Bush defends the technique, as leading to intelligence that helped save innocent lives in America and abroad during his time in office.

Bush writes in ‘Decision Points’ that after the terrorist attacks on September 11, 2001, Department of Justice and CIA lawyers reviewed a list of legal interrogation techniques and then passed them along for his approval.

“There were two that I felt went too far, even if they were legal. I directed the CIA not to use them. Another technique was waterboarding, a process of simulated drowning. No doubt the procedure was tough, but medical experts assured the CIA that it did no lasting harm,” writes Bush.

Bush adds that waterboarding of Mohammed led to more valuable information, including plans to attack American targets with anthrax.

Dick Cheney, who hasn’t read Bush’s book yet, said that “Bush went a bit overboard with the waterboard stuff.  He got a little waterboard crazy.  He wanted everybody waterboarded, Andy Card, Karl Rove… one day he even wanted Laura waterboarded.  I’m sure he’s waterboarding his staff in Crawford right now to keep them in line.”

Bush said that when he sees Cheney next month at a conservative conference in New Orleans, ‘I’d love to take an hour or so and waterboard Dick again.  I had so much fun with Dick.  It was a hoot!”

Bush said that he, personally, was never waterboarding, but “if I ever do anything wrong, I wouldn’t mind.  But I’ve never done anything wrong.  I have no regrets.”

CRAWFORD, TX – George W. Bush shocked his family, friends and the nation by announcing today that he is gay.

George W. Bush, whose memoir Decision Points will be released in October, spoke with reporters outside his Crawford Ranch.  “Fellas, I woke up this morning and told Laura that I just realized after all these years that I am gay.  I am a gay Texan.  And I tell you, I feel good about it.  I am gay as they make ‘em. Gay, gay, gay…”

This startling news came on heels of the announcement by Ken Mehlman, who headed the Republican National Committee between 2005 and 2007, that HE was gay.  Mehlman came out in an interview with the Atlantic’s Marc Ambinder:  “It’s taken me 43 years to get comfortable with this part of my life,” Mehlman said. “Everybody has their own path to travel, their own journey, and for me, over the past few months, I’ve told my family, friends, former colleagues, and current colleagues, and they’ve been wonderful and supportive. The process has been something that’s made me a happier and better person. It’s something I wish I had done years ago.”

George W. Bush immediately announced his support for Ken Mehlman.  “Ken’s done great work for this country and he’s one of the finest men I’ve every known.”  Apparently, according to Bush insiders, after making his statement of support, Bush went back to his ranch and sat on the porch in “deep contemplation.”   Bush stayed on the porch all night thinking – something he hadn’t done in years.  When the sun rose, Bush rushed into the house and told Laura that he had an incredible epiphany.  “I’m gay, Laura.  I just realized it. I’m gay!”

Laura Bush, and their two daughters, were both startled by the news.  “Are you sure, George?  It’s not something you ate is it?” Laura told George. “Nope, Laura.  I tell you, I was watching Ty Murray on the rodeo the other day and I think I felt something.  And after this Mehlman thing.. I know what it is.  It’s gay George Bush, that’s what it is.”

Gay groups across the country had mixed feelings about the news.  “We’re glad that George W. Bush finally came out of the closet and we stand by him in his decision.  But, frankly, we are a little saddened to know that the most evil man on the planet is one of us.  It’s a bittersweet,” said Taylor Jones of  The Advocate.

To celebrate his coming out, George W. Bush put on some leather chaps and headed for a local gay bar, Happy Tails, and ordered a “spritzer.”

WWN asked Former Bush Senior advisor, Karl Rove, about Bush coming out.  “You know what, I think George is confused.  I’m not sure he knows exactly what “gay” means.  I’m pretty sure he’s not gay.”

“Oh, Karl is gay, too. He knows it.”  George Bush exclaimed when he heard about Rove’s statement.

If true, maybe George will marry Karl?  You think?

HADES – The Devil, overwhelmed by people selling their souls, is putting a temporary freeze on soul purchases .

2010 has been a record year for soul selling. “We’re booming! We got contracts lined up back-and-forth across Hades,” the Devil told WWN. “More people than ever are selling their souls, wanting to satisfy all their earthly desires. I don’t even need any helpers anymore, these people are coming to me!”

The Devil began making deals (or Faustian bargains) back in the first century A.D.  It’s a simple contract: an individual sells his or her soul to the devil in exchange for earthly favors. Then when that person dies – “your ass is mine.”  The “favors” are the usual run-of-the-mill vanities:  youth, knowledge, wealth, power, sex and free beer. As Bob Tartaro from Columbus, Oh said, “A lifetime of free beer in exchange for eternal damnation? It’s a no-brainer!”

Even though eternity is a helluva lot longer than the typical lifespan, many individuals are more focused on immediate gratification.  “Eternity be damned, I want power now!” said Congressman Anthony Weiner of New York.  No, it’s not just Democrats that are selling their souls.  “We have 98% of Congress signed up,” said the Devil.  “I hope to get to 100% by November.”

There have been some individuals over the years that signed the pact because they acknowledged the Devil as their “master.”  The Devil has a name for these souls – “suckers.”

WWN talked to Professor Almaberga Montipedo, a demonologist at the University of Vermont, about the Devil’s temporary freeze.  “It’s understandable. The Devil can’t take everybody. There has to be some admission guidelines. If everybody on earth was getting what they wanted, having all their desires come true, then there’d be no suffering on earth, and the Devil just doesn’t like that.  It gives him great joy to see people in pain.”

Asked why she thinks there is such a rush on soul-selling in 2010, Montipedo said, “Whenever there’s an economic downturn, people turn to the Devil.  It’s an easy fix. Plus, he had a great special earlier this year.  He was offering 90 virgins to anybody that signed up.  And, you get the virgins when you’re on earth.”

Capitalizing on the freeze, a new web site that has popped up:  www.devilcontractexchange.com, which allows people to buy and sell their contracts with the Devil. The Devil likes the attempt at trying to get around his freeze, but said “it’s not going to work.  I have fire on my side.”

The Devil said the “soul-buying freeze” will be in effect for the rest of 2010.  But he’ll be open for business again on January 1, 2011 – good news for American Idol hopefuls!

Fro some reason, musicians seem to be fond of selling their souls. Here’s one of Satan’s favorite YouTube videos about some of his past clients:

And of course, there’s the Crossroads.  The Devil is not confirming (or denying) that he made a deal with Robert Johnson. What do you think?

WASHINGTON – Two vice presidents have touched gloves and started a battle of words!

Current Vice President Joe Biden and former Vice President Dick Cheney have engaged in a war of words with the only thing the two can agree on being how wrong each believes the other is. Biden made appearances on both CBS’ Face the Nation and NBC’s Meet the Press, while Cheney appeared on ABC’s This Week.

The two political figures clashed on a number of topics, with the most dominant issue being the war on terror and the United States stance on national security. Cheney has been a frequent critic of the Obama administration. Back in December, Cheney said of Obama, “I think on his part he does not have the kind of commitment to the private sector that most of us have lived with in the past,” and that’s just a small sample.

“It’s the mind-set that concerns me,” Cheney said of President Obama’s handling of national security. He also criticized Obama’s order to outlaw “enhanced interrogation techniques, including waterboarding.” Cheney is also a strong proponent of the possibility of another terrorist attack on U.S. soil on the scale of 9/11.

Biden, who is on record for calling Cheney the most dangerous vice president in history, disagree completely with the idea of another 9/11 type of attack. “I always underestimate the way Dick Cheney approaches things,” Biden said on Face the Nation. “The reason it’s unlikely is because we have been relentless, absolutely relentless in isolating al Qaeda.”

This is a war of words that certainly sees no resolution anytime soon. The vice presidents will continue to disagree and throw jabs at one another’s respective administrations. Check out a taste of their exchange below.\

VIRGINIA – Dick Cheney is writing his memoirs.  Weekly World News has acquired an advance look at the torrid tale of his relationship with President Bush.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney surprised the world by saying he would publish a memoir.  For years he has been famous for his obsession with privacy.  Now, turning a new leaf, the former Vice President has been seen walking along the beach handwriting his book while sipping mint juleps.  He writes everything down in cursive on parchment, a detail he says his publishers must recreate in the release of the book.

The book is set to focus on his relationship with President Bush, describing first their interdependent closeness which in time turned into a cold distance.  He writes “it was a cold day that October morning.  I came in for the morning briefing with an extra mocha latte for George.  It took an extra twenty minutes out of my morning, but he liked them and I know he’s been under stress.  I went to hand it to him, but he didn’t notice.  He was too busy reading popularity polls.  ‘Here you go Mister President, your favorite.’  All he could be bothered to say was a quick ‘Thanks’ before going back to his paper.  I felt so stupid, standing there waiting for his approval.  Quickly I excused myself from the Oval Office, went in the bathroom and cried.  I was so mad, so hurt, I wanted to shoot a man in the face.”

Later in the book he writes “Things had been so different between us, I didn’t know who he was anymore.  It was like those days on the ranch had never happened.  Where was the warm cowboy who never cared what people thought and would laugh with me while starting a war.  Standing in front of me was a Washington apologist who lived and died by his approval polls.  Had that man even existed?  Was it all just a beautiful dream?  No.  It was real.  I knew because I still had the flower in my breast pocket.  The one he gave me.”

And towards the end.  “It was all over now.  There was nothing left to say between us.  Quietly I took the flower out of my pocket and placed it on his desk, where I knew he’d find it.  Next to it was the note  ‘…From Turdblossom.’”

No release date has been set for the book.

NEW YORK, NY – In an interview on Fox News, former Vice President Dick Cheney admitted that “there was never any evidence Iraq was involved in 9-11.”

This news comes as a complete shock to America and people around the world.  For the past 6 years, Vice President Cheney led the chorus stating it was an irrefutable fact that Iraq was linked to the 9/11 attacks.  The world stands in awe as one of the foundational beliefs of the last decade has been shattered.

Crisis counselors were immediately called into the Fox News headquarters.  Sean Hannity broke down in tears before locking himself in a closet for several hours. Richard Cheney said that with the Iraq war in its 6th year, it was finally a good time for the truth to come out.

Cheney also went on to definitively state that there is no Santa Claus, no Easter Bunny, no Tooth Fairy, and Elmo is “just an annoying piece of felt with a guys hand up its rear.”    Citizens of the world are equally shocked to hear dearly held beliefs are also untrue.  After refuting the Iraq/9-11 connection on Fox News, the former Vice President wishes to go to elementary schools to tell children there is no Santa.  Dozens of elementary and preschools across the country have been added to his public speaking tour.

Detailing the nature of his youth audience speeches, Cheney said he plans on having a Mall Santa on stage that he will punch out and strip of his Santa outfit in front of the children.  “’No magic here, kids!’ I think that will be an eye-opening moment for a lot of children.”  He hopes to end the presentations by taking an Elmo doll off the hand of a puppeteer and putting it in a blender.  “Then the kids can see it’s just felt and crap.”

Requests to book the “Iraq was never connected to 9-11, and also there’s no Santa” speaking tour by Dick Cheney can be made through his website.

WASHINGTON, DC – Elizabeth Cheney is likening her father’s defense of waterboarding to Al Gore’s campaign for climate change. She hopes that he will receive similar offers for movie deals and Nobel prizes.

Elizabeth Cheney went on MSNBC’s “Morning Joe” on Tuesday to comment on her father’s recent media campaign to defend America’s use of enhanced interrogation methods, which some call torture.  In the interview she compared her former Vice President father to Al Gore, who after leaving office started a campaign to fight global warming.

“Al Gore is doing what he feels is necessary to make the world a better place.  Unlike Mr. Gore’s claims, we have actual facts to back us up that these methods worked.

“He’s out there advocating what you call torture because he loves his country!  There are evil people out there scheming to kill us in our sleep.  These methods have saved countless American lives.  He is a hero.  He deserves a Peace Prize more than Al Gore; all he ever did was scam people into changing light bulbs.”

She then went on to describe how her father was similarly thinking of funding a movie to get his message to a broader audience.

“It’d be like An Inconvenient Truth, only with more truth.  And also like, explosions and suspense like Jack Bauer on 24.”

Sources reveal he may likely receive funding from the producers of Wanted and Crank: High Voltage.  Michael Bay is currently slated to direct.

Liz then jovially recounted a time when she was 16 and her father had used enhanced interrogation techniques on her.  She had planned to sneak out without her parents’ permission and her father used several methods like waterboarding and stress positions to get a confession from her.  “If he hadn’t have done that I would never have told him about the party I was going to.  In the end I think it made me respect him more.”

WASHINGTON, DC – This weekend, former Vice President Dick Cheney said Rush Limbaugh was his model Republican. Thousands of young republicans around the country are making daring changes to live up to their new conservative ideal.

On Face the Nation this Sunday, Dick Cheney was invited on to speak about his ideas regarding the future of the Republican Party.  In this interview, Cheney stated he believed the model Republican would be popular radio host Rush Limbaugh.  He went on to describe the various ways that Republicans should follow the Rush example.

“Parents should be pulling their kids out of college,” said Dick Cheney.  “I mean, if you love your country and you’re a patriot, you won’t send your children to college.  These are institutions that brainwash impressionable young minds with their liberal agenda.  Giving your money to something like that, you might as well be funding terrorism.  They are the real threat to America’s future.  Now look at Rush Limbaugh.  He makes more money per year than some African nations and he never finished college.  He got kicked out after one year!”

Republicans have taken his words to heart and are now taking drastic measures to live up to the newly anointed model of Conservativism.

Republican families are pulling their children out of college in record numbers.  In less than 24 hours, 6000 students have been pulled out of classes by enraged Republican families.  Sarah Lawrence College saw a riot last night between the local community and the student body.  A drum circle was trampled by angry goats brought by members of the local 4H club, and three hackey sacks were placed in the rectum of the Dean of Philosophy.  The school has shut down until the tension has passed.

Republicans not in college are finding other ways to follow in Rush’s feet.  Conservative eating contests are being organized around the country.  Hot dogs, apple pie, and other Americana treats are the favorites at these competitions designed to put on pounds and raise money for military families.

Dick Cheney concluded his interview this Sunday by saying that Rush would play a key role in the marketing of a re-branded Republican Party.  “He’s going to be a part of the new marketing push we do to get our image out there.  The image is Rush being anointed as the head of the GOP naked on the top of Mount Rushmore.  It’s all in black and white, real classy.”  He then appeared to get lost in his own thoughts, “Yeah, real classy…”

BOGOTA – Photographs have surfaced proving the existence of a giant snake in the jungles of Colombia.

Long thought extinct, rumors have swirled about giant serpents disrupting drug trafficking in the most remote parts of the Colombian jungle.

Scientists have now confirmed the existence of Titanoboa Correjonesis, a creature thought to have gone extinct 50 million years ago.  Prof. Jonathan Prince, of the University of Florida, says, “The snake would be roughly 45 feet long, and weigh around 2500 lbs.  Fossil records indicate it could smell fear from over a mile away and liked to taunt its prey by repeatedly slapping it in the face before eating it.”

The giant snake is believed to be behind disruptions in the Colombian drug trade, attacking plantations hidden deep in the jungle.  Local drug czars have spared no expense in trying to eliminate the rare creatures.

Greenpeace sent a team of workers to protect the endangered species from drug traffickers and other threats.  Unfortunately they were eaten by the giant snake.

The Colombian government is expected to take action on the creature soon.  Dick Cheney is in talks with Bogota officials to acquire one of the creatures to add to his retirement lair.