NEW YORK, NY – Charles Gibson announced his retirement from news.  He will spend his twilight years in search of Shangri La.

On Tuesday, Charles Gibson announced that he would retire from hosting ABC’s evening news program, to be replaced by Diane Sawyer.  The title of the show, World News with Charles Gibson, will remain unchanged.

Gibson admitted, in an interview with himself, that he hopes to use his newfound free time to track down the legendary Shangri La.  He said that the mystic outpost hidden in the mountains of Asia has always held an appeal to him.

In his early years Charlie Gibson’s life was saved by a Nepalese medicine man.  At a little league game, Gibson caught a line drive straight to his solar plexus, which was nearly a fatal injury.  Thankfully a Buddhist medicine man was wandering by at the time, and tended to the young Gibson’s wounds.  When the ever-curious young Gibson asked where he’d learned to do such wonders, the monk said, “Shangri La” and waved slightly before disappearing on the 3:14 downtown bus.

“Now,” Gibson said, “with my career behind me and my wife desperate to keep me occupied, I’m ready to search for the fabled lost city.”

Most legends describe Shangri La as a paradise hidden within the Himalayan mountains, near Tibet or Nepal.  Some stories describe it as a lost colony of fabled Atlantis, residing in a hollowed out mountain.  The Chinese government refuses to confirm or deny its possible existence.

Gibson, who only sees his wife on holidays and hasn’t seen his two children since the mid nineties, will now begin training full time at a ranch in South Dakota.  There he will learn mountain climbing, three dialects of the Chinese language, and Quivering Palm Death Touch Kung Fu.  According to instructors, Charles “Take No Prisoners” Gibson is living up to the nickname given to him in the news world.  Gibson says he should be ready to lead an expedition by late 2010.

SEATTLE, WA – For her special this Friday, Diane Sawyer interviewed several unique stories in the sex industry, including a Sasquatch who turned to prostitution to survive.

Careful wildlife observers may spot the Sasquatch collecting food on the outskirts of the Seattle area, or turning tricks off 5th street downtown.

It started while she was crossing an intersection one night, lost and trying to find her way back to the wilderness.  A limousine approached the bewildered Sasquatch, and an unnamed elected official propositioned her.  How this unnamed official discreetly bartered for sex with a creature that doesn’t speak English remains unclear.  But it worked and she has been in the business ever since.

Standing at 7’2”, 550 pounds and covered in body hair, she tends to attract a certain kind of man.  Footage shows she is mostly hired by upper class men who want to be pushed around or risk their lives mid-coitus.  If her Prada shoes and matching bag are any indication, she has become quite popular among the well-to-do.

When Diane asked if she was ever scared for her safety at work, the Sasquatch beat on her chest and grunted loudly.  Through a series of gestures she indicated that one customer who tried to get rough had his arm ripped off and was beaten with it until she got tired.

Provided the interview does well, Diane Sawyer has indicated she may turn this into a serial expose on cryptid call girls. The very flexible Lizard Woman is believed to be the obvious next choice.