DETROIT, MI – Winter has finally arrived in a series of storms pelting the Midwest.  Bat Boy has instigated a statewide day of revelry in Michigan.

Major storm patterns are sweeping across the US, bringing cold temperatures and rain or snow.  Eastern states are being pelted with rain and hail and experiencing the first wintery temperatures of the season.  Midwestern states have been hit the hardest, being blanketed with snow earlier this week.  Yesterday the entire state of Michigan enjoyed an unofficial Snow Day thanks to America’s favorite mutant, Bat Boy.

Reports first came in early yesterday of a strange shirtless boy playing in the middle of a major intersection in downtown Detroit.  Residents were complaining that the child was hitting people with snowballs on their way to work.  By the time police arrived on the scene several passers by had joined the youth in a snowball fight, hiding behind the various snow drifts and immobile cars.  Since no one appeared to be complaining the police simply watched the child with large eyes attract more and more office workers to play in the snow.

No one is sure what Bat Boy was doing in Michigan.  Most likely a series of detours led him there after his recent trip to Los Angeles.  However he got there, the young mutant appeared to be unaffected by the severe cold despite wearing no shirt and cutoff shorts.  Police pulled him away from the snowball fight and only let him return once he had begrudgingly put on a snowsuit a local store owner donated for the child.  Bat Boy sulked for exactly 45 seconds, then returned to the fun.

As the day progressed more and more people were encouraged to come out and enjoy the weather.  People from all walks of life were inspired and encouraged by Bat Boy, who speaks only in squeaks, to drop what they were doing and come out and play.  Bankers joined receptionists in snowball fights,  legal clerks made snowmen with admins, as hundreds joined the seasonal merriment.  Eventually the streets of downtown Detroit were filled with people playing in the snow.

Word spread and soon pockets of winter fun began popping up in the outlying metro Detroit areas.  Eventually the word of the incident spread across the state until lawmakers in Lansing declared a statewide Snow Day.

Bat Boy was last seen taking an impromptu sled to the top of a 3 story snowdrift that had accumulated against the local headquarters for Verizon Wireless.  Inertia from the ride is expected to have taken him halfway to Ann Arbor.

DETROIT, MI – North Carolina wins the NCAA Basketball Championship.  Broadcast interruption sparked riots in small towns across the country.

Coach Roy Williams led North Carolina’s Tarheels to victory last night, beating Michigan State 89 to 72.  This is their second championship in five years.

Throughout the course of the evening broadcast was interrupted in small towns throughout the country.  Reception would falter or go out entirely during particularly dramatic moments in the game.  Large sections rural Indiana lost reception entirely.  Riots ensued.

Street signs were torn down, cars overturned, and bonfires set in regions where the Basketball Championship was blacked out last night.  Technical help lines were flooded with frantic calls, but no technical reasons could be given for the interruption.  People flooded electronics stores, hoping a television would be on and showing the game, then destroying everything in their path when it was not.  Sports bars in Indiana, Michigan, both Carolinas, and Illinois quickly turned to violence and pagan sacrifice.

One Indiana family, who lost reception shortly before halftime, built a large wicker man on their front lawn and set fire to it hoping this would appease whatever gods were listening.  Across the American farm belt livestock was sacrificed in front of television sets by desperate sports fans.  Residents of a South Carolina mill town burned down half of the downtown area before riot police reminded them that Dancing with the Stars was still on.

In Chapel Hill North Carolina, students from the tech department created a receiver which was able to pick up broadcasts of the game coming from Japan.  Punctuated by commercials for unusual game shows, the game came in loud and clear to a jubilant student body.  Once the game was won thousands of ecstatic students poured onto Franklin Street in downtown Chapel Hill, where fires were set and cars destroyed but this time out of happiness.

No definitive evidence has yet been given for the sporadic interruption of service.  Some are claiming it is part of a government mind control experiment.  Others believe it may be a cruel joke played by Ted Turner.  One source, who wished to remain anonymous, said that the ruling body of the Illuminati are big Michigan State fans.

NEW YORK, NY – No doubt that most in America have heard of the NCAA tournament, if not gotten involved in an office pool, online contest, or friendly wager. Even President Obama filled out a bracket, where (true to Democratic form) he picked a ‘blue state school’ to win it, North Carolina. ESPN covered Bam’s picks with a segment called ‘Barack-otology’.

What most don’t know, however, is that the tourney has always been global, and the world’s foremost leaders and tyrants also get a case of March Madness.

Former British PM Tony Blair notoriously always picked Duke for his Final Four, noting it ‘seemed like the English thing to do’.  Pol Pot may have been a brutal leader, but that basketball savant once won a small fortune with Indiana in ’76.  And departed dictator Saddam Hussein once reportedly imprisoned every mid-major in his Army after heavily favored Arizona lost to a Colonial Conference team in the 2nd round.

And this year is no different.  According to anonymous sources found on a college blog, North Korea’s Kim Jong Il (a noted NBA fan) is having a helluva run in this year’s tourney, with 15 of 16 teams still alive, and his entire Final Four intact.  Said Kim, through an unconfirmed spokesman, “That Louisville game almost f***ed me.  And thank your ill-chosen God that I picked Zona.”

When pressed on how sports might help thaw relations between North Korea and US, Kim hesitated, and then conceded, “If Pitt beats Memphis in the final… I promise I’ll stop nuclear testing for at least a week.  See, I’m not unreasonable.”

Then, when asked if he would attend this year’s championship game in Detroit, if he had a shot to win, the little ball of hate replied, “Pyongyang is no treat, but it’s better than Motown.  Oh, and as to will I win my pool?  I’m the supreme commander, I always win.”

Kim continued, but his response was muffled by the maniacal laughter that all tyrants must have.

MY AMERICA – by Ed Anger

Until now, conservative icon Ed Anger has been silent after lapsing into a coma following the election of Barack Hussein Obama. Doctors tried numerous methods to awaken the columnist, including electroshock therapy, with no success.

With his hospital room TV tuned to FOX News 24/7, Anger was eventually roused by a commercial for the new Clint Eastwood movie “Gran Torino,” in which Eastwood plays a gun-toting auto industry and Korean War veteran now living in a tough, immigrant neighborhood in Detroit. A special screening of the film was arranged for Anger as he returned home to fully recover. Below is Ed Anger’s first writing since his awakening, a review of “Gran Torino.”

***

My America, the America I know and love has been in a coma. For too long it has been asleep at the wheel… the wheel of a foreign-made car. It’s time to wake up and tell the rest of the world to GET OFF OUR LAWN!!!

Recently, a movie opened my eyes when I had the great honor to watch Clint Eastwood’s new film “Gran Torino.” From its title, I had hoped for an old West border-town shoot ‘em up, but was pleasantly surprised when it turned out to be about a REAL American man taking a stand against some no good punks… punks whose freedoms he helped secure!!!

Now, I’m not one to find much sense coming out of Hollywood, but for once, those latte loving liberal lulus have pointed a gun right at the nose of the problem here with “Gran Torino.” Like those fictional terrorist teens who taunt Eastwood’s heroic character, there are real-life outlaws out there who are taunting REAL American and threatening to destroy our way of life.

Immigrants? No, I’m talking about those three stooges Rick Wagoner of GM, Alan Mulally of Ford, and Robert Nardelli of Chrysler.  What was once the great symbol of American power and pride, the American automobile, has become just a tin can on the greed garbage pile. These business school Bozos have had their heads up their tailpipe for decades while foreign invaders from countries named Toyota, Honda and Hyundai have taken over OUR neighborhood and OUR America.

Clint Eastwood’s character Walk Kowalski would fill their fat hides with lead if he had the chance. He didn’t work the plant and fight in Korea to see Korean-made cars take over his Detroit streets. Now there’s a lot of touchy-feely political talk about closing down Guantanamo Bay to make the rest of the world love America more. I say, no thank you. Build the fence higher and throw Wagoner, Mulally and Nardelli in there with Osama’s Kids and appoint Eastwood the new head of Homeland Security. I give his movie 50 stars and 13 stripes!

DETROIT, MI – After announcing new “self-parking” cars, reports have emerged about the source of the revolutionary technology – goblins!

Unnamed sources from within the Ford Motor Corporation have leaked internal memos revealing details of the “self-parking” technology that will be featured in all top-of-the-line models of Ford automobiles starting in 2009.

The memos state that each car will employ two or four goblin technicians, depending on the size of the engine.  The goblins actually work under the hood of the car and take control of the car once the driver puts it into “park mode.”

Executives and spokesmen for the Ford Motor Corp. have refused to comment or return calls for a statement.

Members of the United States Congress however, have been making quite a fuss over the story and many are not amused by the concept of goblins working on the hoods of American cars.

“We spent many long days working on a bailout for the auto industry,” Republican Senator Sam Brownback of Kansas said.  “I don’t like the idea of American tax dollars going to Goblins!  That was not part of the agreement.”

“If they need small people in the engines to self-park the car, then find a small American!  We’ll breed Americans smaller and smarter and bring automotive jobs back to Americans!”

DETROIT, MI – As the stock market continues to tumble and oil prices jumping nearly 20 dollars a barrel in the last week, GM announces plans for new hybrid to run on renewable resources of Fairy Dust and Unicorn Tears.

Expected in Q3 of 2009, GM says they have been developing the technology for the past 5 years, but have waited to announce the revolutionary automobile until it was closer to becoming a reality.   The yet to be named automobile is known internally as “Codename Twinkle.”

GM CEO Rick Wagoner told reporters at this morning’s press conference, “We’ve been working really closely with the Fairy and Unicorn community.  We’re confident this new automobile will be a relief to consumers being drained at the pump as well as bringing Fairies and Unicorns back into the mainstream automobile market.”

Consumers might remember the short-lived sedan PD-30, short for Pixie Dust, 30 Miles produced by Ford in the early ’90s.  The first Fairy Dust powered hybrid vehicle was a commercial success but quickly pulled from the market under pressure from Big Oil.

This is the first time Unicorn Tears will be utilized in a consumer automobile.  The Teamsters have long been rumored to use a mixture of diesel and Unicorn Tears to fuel their trucks.

Wagoner commented, “Based on mythology, you wouldn’t think that Unicorn’s cry as much as they do.  They have this reputation for prancing on rainbows all the time.  But they are really sensitive, introspective creatures.  They listen to a lot of The Cure and Bright Eyes.”

The timing of the announcement has been noted as extremely strategic, as GM sales were drastically declining in China.

“The Qilin, the Chinese equivalent of the Western unicorn, is revered as a sacred pet of the deities,” said an industry expert. “To drive a car associated with prosperity… Chinese consumers are going to buy them right up!”