WASHINGTON – Sources say President Obama is making Hillary Clinton his Vice President and Joe Biden will be the new Secretary of State.

Insiders say President Obama will announce in the next two weeks that he is making Hillary Clinton his VP running mate for 2012 and Joe Biden will become Secretary of State in 2013.

Robert Reich, former Clinton advisor, made the prediction in an opinion piece today, but sources inside the White House say that Reich had spoken with the President and confirmed his intentions.

Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden are both thrilled with the decision and look forward to a win in 2012 and another 12 years of Democratic rule.  “We really can fundamentally change the nation forever,” a White House insider told WWN.

Tthe Democratic ticket for 2012 will be Obama-Clinton.

As Robert Reich said, “Obama needs to stir the passions and enthusiasms of a Democratic base that’s been disillusioned with his cave-ins to regressive Republicans. Hillary Clinton on the ticket can do that.”

“Moreover, the economy won’t be in superb shape in the months leading up to Election Day.  Clinton would help deflect attention from the bad economy and put it on foreign policy, where she and Obama have shined.

The switch will make Clinton the obvious Democratic presidential candidate in 2016 — and give the Democrats a perceived lock on the White House until 2024.

What will the Republicans do?

HOLLYWOOD – In what could  be a new celebrity trend, Matt Damon,  announced he will give all his future earnings to the U.S. government.

Matt Damon believes that the rich are not taxed enough.  He believes that the tax rate on wealthy Americans should be at least 80%.  “England has the right idea, the wealthy should give almost all of their money to the government, so that wealth is spread around.”

Damon has come under fire from some on the right wing, but Damon has put his money where his mouth is.  “I am going to give 100% of my future earnings on all money I make from every source, to the government.  I trust the government to use the money in better was than I could.

Damon is reportedly worth over $200 million.  He will hold on to that money – and vows to keep most of it in bank accounts in Switzerland, but anything that he earns from now on will go to the government.

Democratic leaders applauded Damon’s “contribution” and urged all Americans who make over $250,00 a year to donate any money they make over that amount to the U.S. Government.  “If Americans gave 100% of their salaries – over $250,000 – to the government – we could wipe out our debt in ten years,” said Minority Leader, Nancy Pelosi.

Pelosi, however, will not be donating any money to the government.  “I have too many grandchildren.  They all need money for college.”

Damon has asked Bono of U2 to join him in “donating” to his country.  Bono is currently “hiding” most of his money outside of Ireland and has come under fire from Irish citizens for doing so.  “Bono could make a $2 billion gift to Ireland tomorrow, and I think he should.  Governments help people, we need to support them, ” Damon said.

Here’s a recent video of Damon talking about the rich paying their  fair share:

WASHINGTON – The White House confirmed rumors that President Obama is replacing Joe Biden with Andrew Cuomo.

President Obama has asked for the resignation of Joe Biden as Vice President of the United States.  Vice President Biden has not made an announcement yet, but is expected to by August 1st.

The re-election team of President Obama convinced the President that he needed to “beef up” the ticket for 2012, and this was the time to do it.

“Joe’s a great guy.  Everybody loves Joe in the White House,” said Jay Carney, White House Press Secretary.  ”But Joe adds nothing to the 2012 ticket.   Andrew is a strong candidate and politician.  He will really give the ticket a boost in 2012.”

“The president called up Cuomo and said, ‘Andrew, you have to do this for the good of the country.”  Cuomo immediately said yes.

“Andrew is fabulous.  In New York he recently added a property-tax cap, passed ethics reform and, gay marriage,” said Carney.  ”He’s a winner.”

Biden was reported to be “extremely confused” according to White House insiders.  ”Does that mean I won’t get to fly on Air Force 2 any more?”

Michelle Obama has volunteered to sit down with Joe and make him understand that he has to go.  ”Michelle is very good with Joe.  She speaks slowly and clearly.  He gets her and she gets him,” Michelle Obama’s Chief of Staff told WWN.

Cuomo told WWN that he is excited to be joining the Presidential ticked in 2012.  ”It’s about time we have an Italian-American in the White House.”

Asked by WWN whether he had the same Mafia ties that his father has, Cuomo responded to Garrett Hawley, “Hey, I know where your family lives!”

Cuomo will not resign as Governor until he officially becomes Vice President in January of 2013.

Obama-Cuomo.   The ‘Ma’ and the ‘Mo’ in 2012!

WASHINGTON, DC – Huma Abedin returned from overseas and grilled Anthony Weiner. He’s done.

She tossed Weiner in the doghouse.  Perhaps permanently…

Anthony Weiner’s pregnant wife, Huma Abedin, returned on Wednesday from a week-long trip to Africa with her boss, Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton and according to their neighbors there were fireworks in their apartment.

“She wasn’t screaming, but her voice was very strong and direct,” said nosy neighbor Wilfred Bongolin.  “He was whimpering and wailing.   He kept saying, ‘I’m sorry, Huma.  Please don’t leave. Please don’t leave!”

Weiner, D-N.Y., has told Congressional leaders that he was waiting for her to come home before making any decisions about his political future. Abedin is said to have told her husband last week that he should fight to keep his job, according to the website politico.com.

BUT neighbors say that while he has troubles with Congress, he has a bigger trouble on the home front.   “She was throwing pots, pans, lamps, shoes, and a bag of yarmulkes at a sobbing Weiner, who  stood naked on the  front lawn of his condo complex,” said another nosy neighbor, Bill Treadwell.

According to witnesses, Weiner went scampering down the street, with his “package” tucked between his legs.

When he got to the end of the street, he was comforted by a friend:

Apparently, Huma needed some comforting as well.  So a close friend was seen entering her condo late at night.  The friend told reporters, “I’m here to do my duty.”

Will Huma keep Weiner in The Doghouse?  Is their marriage over?

What do you think?

WASHINGTON - Anthony Weiner told WWN this morning he will resign from office today.

Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-N.Y.) told Frank Lake of WWN  this morning that he is going to resign from office and will be making an announcement at 2pm today.

CNN and the NY TIMES are confirming WWN’s exclusive story:  Weiner will resign today.  A press conference will be announced later.

Frank Lake spent the morning making waffles for  Weiner and Huma.  Huma told Lake that she still supports her husband, but that the best thing for the country – and their marriage – is for “Anthony to give up his House seat.”

Weiner also told Frank Lake that still intends to run for Mayor of New York City.

Weiner showed Lake his package – even though Lake did not ask to see it.

Later today, Weiner will tell reporters and the world, that he is going into treatment and that his top priority when he comes out is to repair the damage he has done to his marriage. “Huma, and our unborn child are all I am focused on now.”

Well, that and a porn video – which Weiner has signed on to star in.  Apparently, he couldn’t turn down the very lucrative offer from Vivid Entertainment.

In recent weeks, the embattled congressman has resisted calls to step down from his post amid intense controversy surrounding inappropriate interactions he admitted to engaging in online and lewd photos surfacing of the congressman.

The scandal got even stranger Wednesday, when a former porn actress who exchanged emails and messages with Weiner said he asked her to lie about their interactions.  Weiner has acknowledged sending sexually explicit messages and suggestive photos of himself to various women and then lying about it. The New York congressman has taken a two-week leave from the House and is reported to be in treatment at an undisclosed location.

WASHINGTON –  Jon Stewart announced this morning that he will run for president in 2012.

In an exclusive interview with WWN, Jon Stewart announced his candidacy for president in 2012.  He said he was inspired by the overwhelming turnout during the Rally to Restore Sanity. Over 10 million people flocked to the National Mall to hear Stewart speak over the weekend.

“I’m like a leader to anti-conflictinators,” said Stewart, “and if I can get all of them to vote for me on Election Day, I’d win the race in a landslide. White house here I come!”

Stewart’s bid for presidency came at a crucial time for Democrats, whose political power is expected to sustain a formidable blow after midterm elections. Republicans are projected to gain nearly 230 seats in the House of Representatives and reclaim control of the chamber.

“Jon Stewart might be the Democrat’s only hope for restoring political power,” said Mike Hamilton, a political analyst for CNN. “They already lost the Senate, Obama is on his way out, and before long they won’t have a single stake in American politics. There would be nobody left to represent America’s rich media executives, hair-brained activists, and ignorant, self-entitled hipsters.”

In a statement released Sunday night, Stewart announced that he would be running under the “Pee Party Movement.” The name is a satirical jab at the Tea Party Movement that has taken American politics by storm.

“The Pee Party Movement is for the people and from the people,” said Stewart. “We’re not lukewarm on any issues. We’ll fight for what we believe, and that’s a free, liberal nation where people are allowed to make fun of each other as they so please!”

Statistics from early voter polls predict that over 95% of Democratic voters would support Stewart if he ran for president in 2012.

“He’s, like, the funniest guy on TV,” said Skeeter Douglas, a graduate student at UCLA and part-time hemp farmer. “My buddies and I watch the Daily Show every night, and we’re always like, ‘Dude! That guy would make the most tubular president ever! He should totally run!’”

Though Jon Stewart has not officially designated a running mate, authorities speculate that Stephen Colbert of the Colbert Report will likely join Stewart in the race for the White House.

“It’s a sad day for the Democratic Party when a comedian is our best bet of reclaiming the Oval Office,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “I guess it makes sense though. If you look at every Democrat in the last two years, you’d think we’re all a bunch of jokes.”

Here is Stewart’s first campaign speech.

NEW YORK, NY – Bill Clinton is getting some sharp words from an unexpected source.

Rachel Maddow falls in line with Glenn Beck and Bill O’Reilly - they share their opinion on anything and everything … even if you didn’t ask for it. They have become so empowered by their talk shows that they feel it gives them the right to make outlandish claims or be the moral compass on any issue. Maddow has feuded with her share of people, but she has recently started a new one with an individual who held a very important office.

In a recent segment on her show, Maddow compared the Barack Obama administration to Clinton’s. She noted that President Obama had been moving to the right on health care and she expressed how his presidency began looking like that of Clinton’s.

Maddow said, “What we ended up with is what we ended up with, in my opinion, is the two terms of the Clinton administration, which is that Bill Clinton was probably the best Republican president the country ever had, if you look at the policies that he passed.”

Oh no you didn’t! Good old Bill is not amused or pleased by your comments. So much so, that in responding to you, he doesn’t feel you deserve to be mentioned by name.

While speaking alongside Tony Blair at the National Constitution Center in Philadelphia, Clinton took exception with the comments Maddow made on her program in March.

“One of the leading commentators on one of our liberal cable channels said i was the best Republican president the country ever produced, which would come as quite a surprise to the Republicans, half of whom still think I’m a closet communist,” he said.

“What she meant by that was I didn’t necessarily follow their ‘conventional wisdom,” he added. “I said, ‘What do you mean?!’”

Take that Maddow. How does it taster?! Wild Bill takes nothing from no one. Perhaps she should focus her attention on more meaningful things – when we decide what that is, we’ll let her know. Thoughts?

NEW YORK – Dan Rather went on MSNBC and confirmed to Lawrence O’Donnell that he is, in fact, an alien.

Dan Rather went on MSNBC, with his alien friend, Tookle-M7, and spoke on behalf of all aliens.  “We want all Americans and citizens of the earth to behave in an appropriate manner when we fully invade the earth,” Rather said.  The former CBS anchor confirmed Stephen Hawking’s belief that there are aliens in the universe and on earth.  “Stephen Hawking is one of us,” said Rather.   He went on to say that humans were just useless “noobs” and served no real purpose in advancing Galactic Society.

Lawrence O’Donnell then revealed to his MSNBC audience that he, too, was an alien from Planet Zeeba.  “I’ve known Dan, whose real name is Ootoo-545,  for 3 gozwillion years.  We are both alien scouts working to prepare the earth for the invasion, which will be coming soon.”

Rather implored Americans to abandon alien Halloween costumes and other derogatory depictions of aliens.  “They are demeaning to my beings.  Please respect us and we will respect you when  we take over.”  Rather compared the coming alien invasion to the time Europeans conquered America.  “We do not want to slaughter all Americans like the Indians were slaughtered.  We are more compassionate, but if you do not behave… it will be a massacre.”

There was speculation that Lawrence O’Donnell and Rather were simply “joking” about being aliens because they are both in the upcoming film, Skyline, but then Tookle-M7 spoke to the audience through his alien translator (Rather) and said, “we produced that movie.  It is all part of the preparation for the invasion.”

Rather and O’Donnell advised all Americans to send money to the Democratic Party because Aliens will favor those Americans that are registered Dems.   “If there is any trouble, we will eliminate Republicans first.”

Rather said he was first abducted by aliens when he was a cub reporter in Huntsville, Texas.  “They took me back to Zeeba and taught me how to be a news anchor. Then they guided my career.”   Rather said that it was the aliens that allowed him to be the first to report on JFK’s assassination.  “They blocked the signals of all the other networks.  It was quite easy actually.  What a great day that was.”

The controversy surrounding Dan Rather when he left CBS was also planned.  “They wanted it to appear that I did not have all my faculties, but I did and I do and I will and I am.”   Tookle-M7 slapped Rather in the head.  “Sometimes he gets stuck,” the alien said (through Lawrence O’Donnell).

Rather has reported on UFOs and aliens for years. Coincidence?

Hmm….

DALLAS, TX – Secretary of Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano, announced the White House’s plan to deport 15 million Republicans to Mexico.

Many in Washington were stunned by President Obama’s decision, the first time in U.S. history that a sitting President has moved to deport legal U.S. Citizens. Senior Adviser David Axelrod spoke to Keith Olbermann, who thought the idea was “genius, you should have done this a year ago.”  Axelrod explained the decision, “It is difficult for the President to get his agenda through with all these Republicans standing in his way. When we won the election we thought they would just shut up and let us clean up the mess. We’re left with no choice but to deport these Republicans, so that we can run the country the way we want.”

Napolitano said that mass deportations will start immediately and would not be limited to Arizona Republicans – though they would be the first rounded up.  Governor Jan Brewer was picked up last night and driven across the border in an armored car.  She was taken to Rosarito on the West Coast of Mexico – where she will be set up with a taco stand.  Homeland Security has streamlined the system by seizing the records of Republican Party offices throughout the country. They will begin going door to door, randomly picking those Republican individuals (and families) that “have to go.”

Glenn Beck was taken this morning to an adobe hut in Campeche where he will continue broadcasting his show – to himself.

Once they hit the 15 million mark, the Obama Administration plans to grant citizenship to the 15 million illegal immigrants in this country.  Axelrod said, “these new citizens will be registered Democrats and that will make it a lot easier for us to get our agenda passed.”

When asked about the deportations James Carville told CNN that if they came for his wife, Republican Mary Matalin, ICE was going to have some trouble. “I’ll open some cajun whoopass on those bastards.” He was also upset that he’d be out of a job.  “If there’s only one party in the country, who’s gonna need political consultants?”

As of 2004 there were 55 million registered Republicans in the country.  After the deportations, there still will 40 million left.  “This is just the first phase of Operation So-Long-Suckers.  If it goes as smoothly as we predict, we can deport another 15 million by the end of the year,” President Obama told Katie Couric, who wept with joy. “There is no other President in the history of our great nation that would the courage and strength to take the necessary steps to bring us all together.  You are a God, Mr. President,” Couric told Obama.  “I know,” President Obama replied.

As you would expect, most Republicans were outraged at the deportations, but Axelrod reminded them that “you smashed the car into the tree and we’ve been trying to get the car back on the road, and you want us to give you the keys back to the car, so you can smash another tree. Well, you’re not getting the keys back, you’re being sent to your room.  Mexico.”

Washington insiders were not surprised that several Republicans supported the deportations:  Senator  Scott Brown of Massachusetts and Senators Olympia Snowe and Susan Collins of Maine.  But even though they spoke in favor of the plan, President Obama is still having them deported.  “They’re still Republicans.  One and elephant, always an elephant.”

So,if you are a Republican, how do you protect yourself against being deported?

RUN!!!

TONOPAH, NEVADA — Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid has decided to work for a male brothel in Nevada, part of a new campaign strategy “to serve all Nevada voters.”

Senator Harry Reid is in a tough re-election battle with Tea Party Candidate Sharron Angle.  The latest Rasmussen poll shows Angle with a 46% to 43% lead over Reid.  So Reid is pulling out all the stops to win over Nevada voters.

The Shady Lady Ranch is located 31 miles north North of Beatty, and their motto is “a Gem in the High Desert.”   In January of this year, The Shady Lady hired the 25-year-old “Markus,” Nevada’s first male prostitute.  Markus, a former porn actor said he didn’t “discriminate based on race, color, creed, ethnicity, or skin tone.”  He did leave out gender. The 71-year-old liberal Reid said he would not prevent any registered voter from using his services.  He also said that his experience ramming bills through Congress would help him get in the mood for the job.

In March of this year, Markus quit The Shady Lady because he only had ten paying customers over the two-month period.  Senator Reid is confident he will “crush” Markus’s record.

Senator Reid will be working at the Shady Lady during the August recess.  Bobbi Davis, who co-owns the brothel with her husband, said that Senator Reid has already booked thirty-three clients.  Reid, who will be going by the name Phil Buster when at the ranch, has already been trained by his co-workers – Rio, Angel, Veronica and Sadie.

The Reid campaign was thrilled to make this announcement because just yesterday they lost the vote of a dead woman.   It was disappointing because the deceased typically vote heavily for Democrats.  The family of the recently deceased Charlotte McCourt, an 84-year-old Nevada woman who was once a supporter of  Reid, and helped in his election bids, followed her wishes and urged Nevadans not to vote for Reid in the upcoming election.  The obituary read, “Please, in lieu of flowers, vote for another more worthy candidate.”

Reid hopes that he can win over all  sexually active  Nevadans and is confident that his stint at Shady Lady as a gigolo will help propel him to victory.  If he fails to perform up to expectations, he intends to blame it on George W. Bush.  When Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi was told of Harry Reid’s plan and asked if she would be stopping by to support him in his efforts, the Speaker ran screaming from the Capitol.   She is currently listed as “missing.”

Here is Price Sheet for Phil Buster (Reid).

40 minutes $200.00
40 minutes with the lights on $500.00
One hour $300.00
One hour with the lights on $650.00
Two hours $500.00
Two hours with the lights on $1,000.00

Couples parties starting at $1,200.00 an hour. One hour minimum.

Over night stay starting at $3,500.00

Viagra not included.

Registered Republicans please note that prices will be doubled.

Sharron Angle has already declined an offer for “free” services.  Here is Reid’s first booked client.  Misty:

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