WASHINGTON — BidenBot, the lifelike, cybernetic machine that poses as Vice President Joe Biden during most of his public appearances, has malfunctioned again during a recent press conference.

During a rousing speech on student loan interest, the vice president suddenly appeared frozen with its eyes and mouth open. Reporters and aides looked on as smoke began to emanate from the machine’s ears. The conference was quickly canceled.

The administration rolled out BidenBot in response to several flubs and gaffes for which the vice president was responsible in the past 4 years. Notable occasions include referring to the president as “Barack America” during the 2008 campaign, cursing during the signing of the health care overhaul and advising Americans not to fly during the swine flu outbreak.

“We think the vice president is great,” said one vice presidential aide, “but we just couldn’t risk any more of these kinds of situations — especially in an election year. To let his incredible work in office speak for itself, we decided to create a robotic version of the vice president. No one notices usually, but unfortunately, today was a rare mishap.”

The last notable malfunction that occurred during a key 2011 speech from President Obama on the federal budget. While many thought the vice president had simply fallen asleep, it was later reported that BidenBot had a low battery and was forced to power down to “hibernation mode.”

As far as Biden’s own feelings about having the robot represent him, the vice presidential aide was quick to assure his approval.

“He understood and actually welcomed the idea,” the aide said. “He’s able to get much more done behind the scenes this way. And if President Obama and Vice President Biden are elected into another term, we don’t expect to need BidenBot quite as much in the coming years. Most likely, the robot will be repurposed to smaller appearances like state fairs and town hall meetings.

According to reports, Republicans are employing 12-year-old “child prodigy” Billy Hogbin for the fall presidential election.
WASHINGTON — Though the GOP’s presidential candidate is yet to be determined, the Republican Party has already lined up one Mississippi-based politico to aid the campaign to defeat President Barack Obama this fall. His name is Billy Hogbin, and he’s 12.

Don’t let his age fool you, though — according to insiders, Hogbin is a child prodigy, a genius when it comes to plotting and taking down political adversaries. After providing a crushing defeat against Missy Likens to take the class president post for his third-grade class, Hogbin rose through the ranks to elect his father Brooks County assessor, manage an uncle’s mayoral campaign and, finally, was a key figure in several Southern governorships. He went on to author three books on campaigning, as well as maintain the popular conservative blog titled “Simply Hogbin.”

According to him, it’s all about image.

“The goal is to make yourself look like a good guy — like a super hero or a firefighter,” Hogbin said. “And the other guy’s a poo-poo head, so make sure you call him a ‘poo-poo head.’”

Many of the prominent GOP elite praise Hogbin’s innovation.

“His brilliance is unmatched,” said one proponent, who asked to not be named. “I’ve never seen anyone with the kind of election savvy this kid’s got. Remember ‘No-bama’ or ‘We speak English, learn it’? Those were Hogbin. Just brilliant. Just the kind of fresh eyes the party needs.”

Though voters have yet to see who Hogbin will be helping to attain a victory this fall, plans against Obama have already leaked, including “Democrats? More like DUMB-ocrats” and “Obama? LOL.”

WASHINGTON – Sources say President Obama is making Hillary Clinton his Vice President and Joe Biden will be the new Secretary of State.

Insiders say President Obama will announce in the next two weeks that he is making Hillary Clinton his VP running mate for 2012 and Joe Biden will become Secretary of State in 2013.

Robert Reich, former Clinton advisor, made the prediction in an opinion piece today, but sources inside the White House say that Reich had spoken with the President and confirmed his intentions.

Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden are both thrilled with the decision and look forward to a win in 2012 and another 12 years of Democratic rule.  “We really can fundamentally change the nation forever,” a White House insider told WWN.

Tthe Democratic ticket for 2012 will be Obama-Clinton.

As Robert Reich said, “Obama needs to stir the passions and enthusiasms of a Democratic base that’s been disillusioned with his cave-ins to regressive Republicans. Hillary Clinton on the ticket can do that.”

“Moreover, the economy won’t be in superb shape in the months leading up to Election Day.  Clinton would help deflect attention from the bad economy and put it on foreign policy, where she and Obama have shined.

The switch will make Clinton the obvious Democratic presidential candidate in 2016 — and give the Democrats a perceived lock on the White House until 2024.

What will the Republicans do?

HOLLYWOOD – In what could  be a new celebrity trend, Matt Damon,  announced he will give all his future earnings to the U.S. government.

Matt Damon believes that the rich are not taxed enough.  He believes that the tax rate on wealthy Americans should be at least 80%.  “England has the right idea, the wealthy should give almost all of their money to the government, so that wealth is spread around.”

Damon has come under fire from some on the right wing, but Damon has put his money where his mouth is.  “I am going to give 100% of my future earnings on all money I make from every source, to the government.  I trust the government to use the money in better was than I could.

Damon is reportedly worth over $200 million.  He will hold on to that money – and vows to keep most of it in bank accounts in Switzerland, but anything that he earns from now on will go to the government.

Democratic leaders applauded Damon’s “contribution” and urged all Americans who make over $250,00 a year to donate any money they make over that amount to the U.S. Government.  “If Americans gave 100% of their salaries – over $250,000 – to the government – we could wipe out our debt in ten years,” said Minority Leader, Nancy Pelosi.

Pelosi, however, will not be donating any money to the government.  “I have too many grandchildren.  They all need money for college.”

Damon has asked Bono of U2 to join him in “donating” to his country.  Bono is currently “hiding” most of his money outside of Ireland and has come under fire from Irish citizens for doing so.  “Bono could make a $2 billion gift to Ireland tomorrow, and I think he should.  Governments help people, we need to support them, ” Damon said.

Here’s a recent video of Damon talking about the rich paying their  fair share:

WASHINGTON – The White House confirmed rumors that President Obama is replacing Joe Biden with Andrew Cuomo.

President Obama has asked for the resignation of Joe Biden as Vice President of the United States.  Vice President Biden has not made an announcement yet, but is expected to by August 1st.

The re-election team of President Obama convinced the President that he needed to “beef up” the ticket for 2012, and this was the time to do it.

“Joe’s a great guy.  Everybody loves Joe in the White House,” said Jay Carney, White House Press Secretary.  ”But Joe adds nothing to the 2012 ticket.   Andrew is a strong candidate and politician.  He will really give the ticket a boost in 2012.”

“The president called up Cuomo and said, ‘Andrew, you have to do this for the good of the country.”  Cuomo immediately said yes.

“Andrew is fabulous.  In New York he recently added a property-tax cap, passed ethics reform and, gay marriage,” said Carney.  ”He’s a winner.”

Biden was reported to be “extremely confused” according to White House insiders.  ”Does that mean I won’t get to fly on Air Force 2 any more?”

Michelle Obama has volunteered to sit down with Joe and make him understand that he has to go.  ”Michelle is very good with Joe.  She speaks slowly and clearly.  He gets her and she gets him,” Michelle Obama’s Chief of Staff told WWN.

Cuomo told WWN that he is excited to be joining the Presidential ticked in 2012.  ”It’s about time we have an Italian-American in the White House.”

Asked by WWN whether he had the same Mafia ties that his father has, Cuomo responded to Garrett Hawley, “Hey, I know where your family lives!”

Cuomo will not resign as Governor until he officially becomes Vice President in January of 2013.

Obama-Cuomo.   The ‘Ma’ and the ‘Mo’ in 2012!

WASHINGTON, DC – Huma Abedin returned from overseas and grilled Anthony Weiner. He’s done.

She tossed Weiner in the doghouse.  Perhaps permanently…

Anthony Weiner’s pregnant wife, Huma Abedin, returned on Wednesday from a week-long trip to Africa with her boss, Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton and according to their neighbors there were fireworks in their apartment.

“She wasn’t screaming, but her voice was very strong and direct,” said nosy neighbor Wilfred Bongolin.  “He was whimpering and wailing.   He kept saying, ‘I’m sorry, Huma.  Please don’t leave. Please don’t leave!”

Weiner, D-N.Y., has told Congressional leaders that he was waiting for her to come home before making any decisions about his political future. Abedin is said to have told her husband last week that he should fight to keep his job, according to the website politico.com.

BUT neighbors say that while he has troubles with Congress, he has a bigger trouble on the home front.   “She was throwing pots, pans, lamps, shoes, and a bag of yarmulkes at a sobbing Weiner, who  stood naked on the  front lawn of his condo complex,” said another nosy neighbor, Bill Treadwell.

According to witnesses, Weiner went scampering down the street, with his “package” tucked between his legs.

When he got to the end of the street, he was comforted by a friend:

Apparently, Huma needed some comforting as well.  So a close friend was seen entering her condo late at night.  The friend told reporters, “I’m here to do my duty.”

Will Huma keep Weiner in The Doghouse?  Is their marriage over?

What do you think?

WASHINGTON - Anthony Weiner told WWN this morning he will resign from office today.

Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-N.Y.) told Frank Lake of WWN  this morning that he is going to resign from office and will be making an announcement at 2pm today.

CNN and the NY TIMES are confirming WWN’s exclusive story:  Weiner will resign today.  A press conference will be announced later.

Frank Lake spent the morning making waffles for  Weiner and Huma.  Huma told Lake that she still supports her husband, but that the best thing for the country – and their marriage – is for “Anthony to give up his House seat.”

Weiner also told Frank Lake that still intends to run for Mayor of New York City.

Weiner showed Lake his package – even though Lake did not ask to see it.

Later today, Weiner will tell reporters and the world, that he is going into treatment and that his top priority when he comes out is to repair the damage he has done to his marriage. “Huma, and our unborn child are all I am focused on now.”

Well, that and a porn video – which Weiner has signed on to star in.  Apparently, he couldn’t turn down the very lucrative offer from Vivid Entertainment.

In recent weeks, the embattled congressman has resisted calls to step down from his post amid intense controversy surrounding inappropriate interactions he admitted to engaging in online and lewd photos surfacing of the congressman.

The scandal got even stranger Wednesday, when a former porn actress who exchanged emails and messages with Weiner said he asked her to lie about their interactions.  Weiner has acknowledged sending sexually explicit messages and suggestive photos of himself to various women and then lying about it. The New York congressman has taken a two-week leave from the House and is reported to be in treatment at an undisclosed location.

WASHINGTON –  Jon Stewart announced this morning that he will run for president in 2012.

In an exclusive interview with WWN, Jon Stewart announced his candidacy for president in 2012.  He said he was inspired by the overwhelming turnout during the Rally to Restore Sanity. Over 10 million people flocked to the National Mall to hear Stewart speak over the weekend.

“I’m like a leader to anti-conflictinators,” said Stewart, “and if I can get all of them to vote for me on Election Day, I’d win the race in a landslide. White house here I come!”

Stewart’s bid for presidency came at a crucial time for Democrats, whose political power is expected to sustain a formidable blow after midterm elections. Republicans are projected to gain nearly 230 seats in the House of Representatives and reclaim control of the chamber.

“Jon Stewart might be the Democrat’s only hope for restoring political power,” said Mike Hamilton, a political analyst for CNN. “They already lost the Senate, Obama is on his way out, and before long they won’t have a single stake in American politics. There would be nobody left to represent America’s rich media executives, hair-brained activists, and ignorant, self-entitled hipsters.”

In a statement released Sunday night, Stewart announced that he would be running under the “Pee Party Movement.” The name is a satirical jab at the Tea Party Movement that has taken American politics by storm.

“The Pee Party Movement is for the people and from the people,” said Stewart. “We’re not lukewarm on any issues. We’ll fight for what we believe, and that’s a free, liberal nation where people are allowed to make fun of each other as they so please!”

Statistics from early voter polls predict that over 95% of Democratic voters would support Stewart if he ran for president in 2012.

“He’s, like, the funniest guy on TV,” said Skeeter Douglas, a graduate student at UCLA and part-time hemp farmer. “My buddies and I watch the Daily Show every night, and we’re always like, ‘Dude! That guy would make the most tubular president ever! He should totally run!’”

Though Jon Stewart has not officially designated a running mate, authorities speculate that Stephen Colbert of the Colbert Report will likely join Stewart in the race for the White House.

“It’s a sad day for the Democratic Party when a comedian is our best bet of reclaiming the Oval Office,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “I guess it makes sense though. If you look at every Democrat in the last two years, you’d think we’re all a bunch of jokes.”

Here is Stewart’s first campaign speech.

NEW YORK, NY – Bill Clinton is getting some sharp words from an unexpected source.

Rachel Maddow falls in line with Glenn Beck and Bill O’Reilly - they share their opinion on anything and everything … even if you didn’t ask for it. They have become so empowered by their talk shows that they feel it gives them the right to make outlandish claims or be the moral compass on any issue. Maddow has feuded with her share of people, but she has recently started a new one with an individual who held a very important office.

In a recent segment on her show, Maddow compared the Barack Obama administration to Clinton’s. She noted that President Obama had been moving to the right on health care and she expressed how his presidency began looking like that of Clinton’s.

Maddow said, “What we ended up with is what we ended up with, in my opinion, is the two terms of the Clinton administration, which is that Bill Clinton was probably the best Republican president the country ever had, if you look at the policies that he passed.”

Oh no you didn’t! Good old Bill is not amused or pleased by your comments. So much so, that in responding to you, he doesn’t feel you deserve to be mentioned by name.

While speaking alongside Tony Blair at the National Constitution Center in Philadelphia, Clinton took exception with the comments Maddow made on her program in March.

“One of the leading commentators on one of our liberal cable channels said i was the best Republican president the country ever produced, which would come as quite a surprise to the Republicans, half of whom still think I’m a closet communist,” he said.

“What she meant by that was I didn’t necessarily follow their ‘conventional wisdom,” he added. “I said, ‘What do you mean?!’”

Take that Maddow. How does it taster?! Wild Bill takes nothing from no one. Perhaps she should focus her attention on more meaningful things – when we decide what that is, we’ll let her know. Thoughts?

NEW YORK – Dan Rather went on MSNBC and confirmed to Lawrence O’Donnell that he is, in fact, an alien.

Dan Rather went on MSNBC, with his alien friend, Tookle-M7, and spoke on behalf of all aliens.  “We want all Americans and citizens of the earth to behave in an appropriate manner when we fully invade the earth,” Rather said.  The former CBS anchor confirmed Stephen Hawking’s belief that there are aliens in the universe and on earth.  “Stephen Hawking is one of us,” said Rather.   He went on to say that humans were just useless “noobs” and served no real purpose in advancing Galactic Society.

Lawrence O’Donnell then revealed to his MSNBC audience that he, too, was an alien from Planet Zeeba.  “I’ve known Dan, whose real name is Ootoo-545,  for 3 gozwillion years.  We are both alien scouts working to prepare the earth for the invasion, which will be coming soon.”

Rather implored Americans to abandon alien Halloween costumes and other derogatory depictions of aliens.  “They are demeaning to my beings.  Please respect us and we will respect you when  we take over.”  Rather compared the coming alien invasion to the time Europeans conquered America.  “We do not want to slaughter all Americans like the Indians were slaughtered.  We are more compassionate, but if you do not behave… it will be a massacre.”

There was speculation that Lawrence O’Donnell and Rather were simply “joking” about being aliens because they are both in the upcoming film, Skyline, but then Tookle-M7 spoke to the audience through his alien translator (Rather) and said, “we produced that movie.  It is all part of the preparation for the invasion.”

Rather and O’Donnell advised all Americans to send money to the Democratic Party because Aliens will favor those Americans that are registered Dems.   “If there is any trouble, we will eliminate Republicans first.”

Rather said he was first abducted by aliens when he was a cub reporter in Huntsville, Texas.  “They took me back to Zeeba and taught me how to be a news anchor. Then they guided my career.”   Rather said that it was the aliens that allowed him to be the first to report on JFK’s assassination.  “They blocked the signals of all the other networks.  It was quite easy actually.  What a great day that was.”

The controversy surrounding Dan Rather when he left CBS was also planned.  “They wanted it to appear that I did not have all my faculties, but I did and I do and I will and I am.”   Tookle-M7 slapped Rather in the head.  “Sometimes he gets stuck,” the alien said (through Lawrence O’Donnell).

Rather has reported on UFOs and aliens for years. Coincidence?

Hmm….