WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama said The U.S. Constitution is out-of-date, so he is ripping it up and writing a new one.

President Barack Obama told reporters last night that the U.S. Constitution has become a hindrance to progress in America.  “The document is so out-dated, that it is now becoming a hindrance to governing the country.”

Obama said that he has signed an Executive Order voiding the U.S. Constitution.  “We need to move forward.  We need change.”

Obama said he has already drafted a new constitution and that Americans “will love what I came up with.”   Insiders say that Obama is keeping a lot of old elements from the original constitution “he’s just making it better, bringing it into the 21st century,” said White House Spokesman, Jay Carney.

Many Democrats said that President Obama was a constitutional scholar and probably the only President – since the Founding Fathers – who is qualified to change the Constitution.

“President Obama knows more about the Constitution than  any man who has ever lived,” said Minority Leader, Nancy Pelosi.  “It’s about time we changed that document and we are lucky to have President Obama to do it.”

Republicans, of course, were outraged that Obama would even consider changing the constitution, and they vowed to fight.   “We will fight this to the bitter end,” said Speaker of the House, John Boehner, “there’s no way we are going to let the Constitution of the United States be altered even a little bit.   If there are changes to be made to the Constitution it should be done the appropriate way – through amendments and we think Paul Ryan and Eric Cantor are the ones to make any changes.”

Insiders say the new Constitution will look a lot like the constitutions of Kenya, France and Soviet Russia.

There are many, many changes in the New U.S. Constitution, but here are a few of the highlights.

1) SUPREME COURT – Will now have 11 members, which reflects the growing U.S. population. President Obama will appoint two new members immediately.  The President can name a new justice without needing the approval of Congress.

2) EXECUTIVE FINANCIAL POWER – The President will have the power to unilaterally enact any financial policy he chooses, without approval of Congress.  He must inform them, but they will not “stop” him (or her) from promoting their agenda.

3) LOBBYISTS – They will now be outlawed. There will be no more lobbyists in Washington.  However, there are some exemptions outlined in the New Constitution” :  Trial Lawyers, National Education Association and unions.  They will all be able to lobby.

4) REPRESENTATION – California, New York and Illinois will double the number of representatives in Congress – permanently.  “The President feels that the smartest people in the country live in these states, so they should be over-represented,” said Jay Carney.

5) GUNS & RELIGION – Both will be banned in the United States.

HOLLYWOOD – In what could  be a new celebrity trend, Matt Damon,  announced he will give all his future earnings to the U.S. government.

Matt Damon believes that the rich are not taxed enough.  He believes that the tax rate on wealthy Americans should be at least 80%.  “England has the right idea, the wealthy should give almost all of their money to the government, so that wealth is spread around.”

Damon has come under fire from some on the right wing, but Damon has put his money where his mouth is.  “I am going to give 100% of my future earnings on all money I make from every source, to the government.  I trust the government to use the money in better was than I could.

Damon is reportedly worth over $200 million.  He will hold on to that money – and vows to keep most of it in bank accounts in Switzerland, but anything that he earns from now on will go to the government.

Democratic leaders applauded Damon’s “contribution” and urged all Americans who make over $250,00 a year to donate any money they make over that amount to the U.S. Government.  “If Americans gave 100% of their salaries – over $250,000 – to the government – we could wipe out our debt in ten years,” said Minority Leader, Nancy Pelosi.

Pelosi, however, will not be donating any money to the government.  “I have too many grandchildren.  They all need money for college.”

Damon has asked Bono of U2 to join him in “donating” to his country.  Bono is currently “hiding” most of his money outside of Ireland and has come under fire from Irish citizens for doing so.  “Bono could make a $2 billion gift to Ireland tomorrow, and I think he should.  Governments help people, we need to support them, ” Damon said.

Here’s a recent video of Damon talking about the rich paying their  fair share:

WASHINGTON, DC -  Nancy Pelosi went on all the news shows to make a proclamation:  the world will end on August 2nd!

“What we’re trying to do is save the world from the Republican budget. We’re trying to save life on this planet as we know it today.”

Nancy Pelosi is convinced that there will NOT be an agreement on raising the debt ceiling by Tuesday.

“This will call the U.S. to default and the world financial markets will collapse,” Pelosi said.  “That will leave to a total collapse of everything we have ever known.”  Pelosi predicted that the markets collapsing will then cause the riots and revolutions and… then there will be volcanoes, earthquakes, “and the earth’s core will explode.”

Pelosi said the earth will explode into a “gazillion pieces” by midnight on Tuesday.  “If we do not raise the debt ceiling – life will end, the earth and the universe will cease to exist.”

Pelosi is also predicting an extremely painful – but quick – death for every individual on the planet.

“If the debt ceiling isn’t raised, most people will experience horrific pains in their brains and hearts.  These pains will grow in intensity until the brain and heart explode.  The explosion will hurt even more.  We must raise the debt celing.”

Who does Pelosi blame for the end of the world and the death of every citizen of earth?

The Tea Party.

“The Tea Party has ruined the world.  When the history of the universe is written, the Tea Party will be the villains that caused the world as we know it to end.  The Tea Party, collectively, is Satan.

Pelosi ended her press conference by saying, “have a nice day.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Barack Obama revealed his “top secret” method for reducing the $14 trillion debt – he’s selling the White House!

When Obama unveiled his $3.7 trillion budget package last Tuesday, Congress quickly dismissed it for putting to much financial pressure on the American taxpayer.

But in an exclusive press conference held just moments after the Congressional meeting, President Obama told reporters that he had one more budget cut up his sleeve:  selling the White to the highest bidder.

“I couldn’t think of a better way to stimulate the economy than by selling the White House back to the American people,” said Obama during an interview in the Oval Office. “Besides, that house gives me the creeps. I think it might be haunted.”

Obama told reporters that the proposed plan to sell the White House, which real estate specialists estimate value at $350 million dollars, will help meet his goal of cutting the in half by the end of his first term.

“I know it seems like a desperate measure, but I want to do whatever I can to help, even if that means selling the most respected piece of real estate in America to some schlub off the street.”

The president said the decision to sell the White House was one of the hardest he’s ever had to make.

“My only other option was to cut the entire Coast Guard,” he said, “but that just felt wrong for some reason.”

Republicans in Congress lampooned the president’s plan to sell the White House, calling it “the stupidest thing the president has done since taking office.”

“$350 million won’t make a dent in the US budget deficit,” said Rep. Paul Ryan, a Republican from Wisconsin. “If the president really wants to make some headway, he could start by selling all his stupid ideas. I bet he’d make a fortune!”

But some Americans are excited for the opportunity to own and live in a piece of American history.

“I’ll be right there with my checkbook as soon as the White House goes to market,” said John Dupont a warehouse worker from Tuscaloosa, Alabama. “It would sure beat living in my trailer!”

NEW YORK, NY – Due to the economic crisis banks, credit, and collection agencies are employing ninjas to collect outstanding payments.

Around the country people are noticing valuable property being repossessed under the cover of a smoke bomb, or past due notices stuck to doors with throwing stars.

“With the economy the way it is, we just can’t afford to not be paid,” said Thomas Morrow, head of public relations for JPMorgan Chase.  “Ninjas have proven very effective at getting a message across.”

Indeed ninja effectiveness is difficult to argue.  Instead of follow up calls from Indian call centers, those who are late with bills can expect to be woken from their sleep by a ninja standing over their bed asking if they would like to schedule payment.

One Alabama man was interrupted at dinner by an arrow flying through his window with a note attached. It read that his food had been poisoned and he would only receive the antidote once he had sent payment for his flat screen TV.

Since JPMorgan Chase signed a contract with the Shibamatsu ninja clan, delinquent payment issues have dropped 86%.

With no end to the economic slump in sight, the use of ninjas will only become more and more common by banks and other financial institutions.