PASS CHRISTIAN, MS – In last night’s debate, both presidential nominees Barack Obama and John McCain repeated a story about a “Joe Plumber”. Weekly World News researchers scoured the nation for this elusive American.

DALLAS, TX – Republican presidential nominee John McCain announced Monday he will suspend his campaign yet again in order to upgrade his cybernetic systems. Sources say he hopes to appear more passably human before the final debate.

“I won’t be dwarfed by a Democrat!”, candidate declares