MARTHA’S VINEYARD – President Obama has been interrupted so much on his vacation, he’s decided to extend it another week.

The President is on the seventh day of his nine-day vacation and because of major world events he’s had little rest and relaxation.  So, the President has decided to stay on Martha’s  vineyard another week.

“The President has had to deal with the financial crisis, the overthrow of the Gaddafi regime and the earthquake.  He’s had very little time to play the kind of golf he intended to on his vacation.  He had hoped to bring his handicap down to a 12, but he keeps getting interrupted,” said Jay Carney, the President’s spokesperson.  “He can’t solve ALL the world’s problems, unless his fully rested.”

“Barack is always working,” said Michelle.  “He needs some family time.  Some time to finish writing his new autobiography.”

Yesterday, the President handled two conference calls with his national security team over Libya, as well as calls to British Prime Minister David Cameron and French President Nicolas Sarkozy, in between his beaching, biking and book-reading.   “He wanted to watch “Jersey Shore” this week and he was interrupted with a jobs report.   He was disappointed,” said Carney.

White House counterterrorism czar John Brennan has been on the Vineyard to keep Obama personally up to date on all the international developments.

The President also monitored economic affairs, including the daily gyrations of the financial markets, while finding time to take first lady Michelle Obama out to dinner and socializing with friends.

For that, he can thank Brian Deese, the deputy director of the National Economic Council, who traveled up to the Vineyard to deliver daily briefings.

And  Obama led a conference call with a wide array of federal government officials to consider the latest challenge — a 5.8-magnitude earthquake that hit most of the East Coast, including the White House and the golf course he was playing at the time.

So, when does he get a chance to rest?

“The President has been steering the economy and solving major conflicts in the Mideast.  The President is getting comfortable up here,” said Carney.  “He’d prefer to work up here. He thinks  he can play golf and solve the Arab-Israeli conflict at the same time.  He’s a world-class multi-tasker.”

Today the president is dealing with hurricane Irene and helping to solve the problem of cracks in the Washington monument.

Rumors are that the President wants to knock down the monument and perhaps put up an Obama monument instead.  “The President feels it would be the appropriate time to build a new monument in Washington.”

So, Air Force One will stay on Martha’s Vineyard for at least another week.   When a reporter shouted a question to Obama about it this morning, the President simply yelled back -

“Fore!”

NEW YORK -  Murdoch’s News of the World hacked into the cellphones of top reporters at WWN!

Reporters and private investigators working for Britain’s News of the World hacked into the cell phones, emails and alarm clocks of Weekly World News reporters, editors and…  Bat Boy!

News of The World immediately responded to the findings saying,  “We just got confused.  News of the World is very similar to Weekly World News.  We were trying to hack into ourselves, but things went awry.”

Bat Boy was livid and has headed to London.  He vows to get every one of the reporters that hacked into his cellphone.

Scotland Yard is investigating.  WWN reporters Garrett Hawley, J.B. Smitts and Elsa Akesson all were hacked into.  Hawley said, “I feel like I’ve been violated.  They’ve published details of my relationship with Jennifer Aniston.  It’s horrifying.”

The News of the World‘s private investigator, Glenn Mulcaire, possessed the PIN codes for all WWN editors as well.  Frank Lake was targeted by Mulcaire.  “They were trying to get revenge on us because we refused to sell WWN to Murdoch.  WWN has much more integrity than any of Murdoch’s papers,” said Lake.

The New York Times has joined forces with WWN to strike back at he News of the World.  Bill Keller, Editor of The New York Times, said “The WWN has been one of the premier newspapers in America for over forty years.  It’s outrageous what Murdoch and his minions has done to their editors and reporters.  We stand strong behind Bat Boy!”

Prince Harry and Prince William, who learned that News of the World hacked into Princess Di’s cellphone, are also joining forces with WWN to take on Murdoch.  “Our mum loved Bat Boy.  This barbaric activity will not stand.”   Some of the transcripts released by investigators actually reveal Princess Di in conversations with Bat Boy.

Thanks to The New York Times, a stone has been lifted on a whole squirming zoo of low life in the News of the Screws.

Communications expert John Nelson of Crew Green Consulting Ltd. in Shrewsbury analyzed the WWN tapes and independently confirmed that they were recorded by News of the World investigators.

WWN’s publisher, Neil McGinnis, is aggressively pursuing action against Murdoch.  Stay tuned..

DUBLIN -  Amid a growing financial crisis, Ireland’s Prime Minister has asked the U.S. to make Ireland the 51st state.

Ireland is in the midst of a major financial crisis that is causing panic on global stock markets.  Many think that Ireland, like Greece, will ask the EU to bail them out.

But WWN has learned that Ireland has had it with the European Union and has made a request to the Obama Administration to fast-track Ireland and it’s application for U.S. statehood.

Ireland would be the first state added to the United States since Hawaii became a state on August 21, 1959.  The Obama Administration and Congress are putting the Irish request at the top of the lame-duck agenda.  “I think we can get it done,” said President Obama, who is of Irish ancestry.

Ireland is on the brink of insolvency, which has helped drive down the S&P 500 stock index by nearly 4 percent over the last few days.

Ireland has one huge problem that has caused it to consider becoming an American state:  a failed banking sector that Ireland’s government can no longer rescue on its own.

Ireland is in the midst of a real estate bust that could trump even the ruinous downturns that turned parts of southern California and Nevada into suburban ghost towns, with home-grown banks stoking it all. Now, those banks are trying to manage catastrophic losses. The Irish government has effectively nationalized the nation’s biggest banks by guaranteeing their debt, which would be akin to the U.S. government taking over Citigroup, Bank of America, J.P. Morgan Chase and Wells Fargo.

“If the Irish banks go down, the Irish government also goes down,” says economist Jacob Kirkegaard of the Peterson Institute for International Economics.  “They have no choice but to ask either the EU or America for help.  Most Irish citizens would rather become part of the U.S. than be beholden to the E.U.”

Americans are keen on the idea of having Dublin (and the Temple Bar) part of the United States,

But the U.S. has already announced that the practice of kissing the Blarney Stone will be banned.  “It’s not sanitary and it’s too dangerous. That practice will stop.   Also, the rock will be renamed The Barney Frank Stone.”

Irish women are already getting excited about being part of the U.S.A and American men are thrilled to have new “talent” in the country.

St. Patrick WILL be driving the snakes out the America, before Ireland becomes the 51st state.  Naturally, many politicians are worried.

Leprechauns will be protected by the Civil Rights Act and they have already been assured that they will get at least one casino – in Chicago.

The U.S. wants Northern Ireland in the deal.  British Prime Minister David Cameron is willing to give up Northern Ireland – “as long as the money is right.”

Irish Prime Minister, who will become the first Governor of the State of Ireland,  is thrilled to be putting the deal together.  “I don’t see any reason why this can’t get this done by the end of the year.”  He does have one request:  “we’re gonna have to do something about American beer.  That’s a dealbreaker.”

Ed Anger is NOT happy about this news.  “I’m madder than a leprechaun with a rubber shillelagh.  I don’t want those boozed-up, potato eaters in my country!”  Read Ed Anger’s full thoughts on the Irish…
HERE.

Too late, Ed.  Ireland has a new chant:  “U.S.A., U.S.A., U.S.A.”   Are YOU excited?

COUNTY WILTSHIRE – Archaeologists working for BP have made a startling new find at Stonehenge – oil.

Just two days ago, archaeologists found another ceremonial monument only a few hundred yards from the stone circle that makes up Stonehenge.  BP sent a crew out to look at the ceremonial monument and once there, they started an exploratory drill.  Soon after, they hit oil.

“We plan on getting a drilling rig out here in the next two weeks,” said BP CEO Tony Hayward.  “I think we’ll be able to get 30,000 barrels a day out of Stonehenge.  It couldn’t come at a better time, since we’re losing a lot of production due to the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.”

Professor Vince Godfrey of the University of Birmingham said Thursday that the new find will completely change Stonehenge. “It’s just not going to be the same with a big oil rig in the center of the ancient stone circle.”  Some in England are worried about the tourists that annually flock to Stonehenge.  “The reason they built Stonehenge in 2500 B.C. was so that tourists could come and walk around and then go to the pubs and buy beer,” said Fiona Barstow a local barmaid.  “But who’s going to want to come here now and trample on these ancient stones? It’s a bloody shame.”  When Ms. Barstow was told that BP would be paying her three times her annual salary for the next thirty years, she ran into the street and yelled, “Drill, baby, drill!”

The origins of Stonehenge are unclear, but many Americans have said that they believe it to be nothing but “a bunch of bullshit.”  Tim Hayes of Port Jefferson, New York said he traveled with his family to England last year to see Stonehenge and they were all disappointed.  “Somebody just put a bunch of stones in a circle. Big deal.  I have friends who did something like that in grade school back in Manhasset.  This is bullshit.”

Stonehenge has long been a place of pilgrimage  for neo-druids, and for certain others following pagan  or neo-pagan beliefs. Every year on the summer solstice, druids and pagan-worshippers come and chant, ring bells and masturbate near the ancient stones.   BP chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg, said that Druids and Pagans would be allowed to visit the BP oil rig at Stonehenge every summer solstice but, “if they get within a hundred yards of our rig, we will shoot to kill.”

BP has apologized to anyone that is offended or upset about the drilling at Stonehenge.  They will move ahead with the drilling but, “at least we said we’re sorry,”  said Tony Hayward. After destroying the Gulf of Mexcio and Stonehenge, BP is now actively looking at other natural (and man-made) sites that they can destroy. “Once we destroy everything, then we can go back and make it green,” said Svanberg.

BP Stonehenge… see the ruin.

SUNDERLAND, UK – The current leader of England’s Conservative Party has vowed to release secret UFO files if he becomes prime minister.

At a meeting in Tynemouth, North Tyneside, David Cameron vowed that he would be “open and frank” about any government knowledge of UFOs or extraterrestrial contact.

Cameron was responding to a question from the audience: “Do you agree with me that the British people have a right to know if we have been visited, and if so, when you become prime minister will you seek to lift the veil of secrecy and give the public the truth that they deserve?”

Cameron replied, “I think we should be a open as possible, so I would be quite happy to give you a guarantee that if I became prime minister I would always be entirely open and frank about these things. I don’t think any of us have any clue whether there’s intelligent life out there and it is certainly not something that any government should seek to hide from anyone.”

England is considered a hotspot for alien contact, as an overwhelming majority of reported crop circles occur there. The Ministry of Defense has already released secret files in 2008 that covered UFO sightings from 1978 to 1987.