NEW ZEALAND – PBS reported that the  rapper Tupac Shakur was sighted in New Zealand this weekend. 

PBS is reporting that  Tupac Shakur was sighted and photographed having drinks at a bar in Auckland, New Zealand.  Soon thereafter the internet was ablaze with speculation if this was real and Tupac was really alive.

Tupac Shakur was allegedly gunned down September 7th 1996 after leaving a boxing match.  However reporters have discovered that Tupac actually survived the shooting, but he and record label executives paid off medical examiners to claim he had died.  His apparent death allowed him to escape his assailants and his constant legal battles.

Since then Tupac had lived in hiding under an assumed name in rural Pennsylvania.  Weekly World News reporters tracked down the beloved rap star to his new home.

With regards to going into hiding he said, “At first it was life or death.  I’d just been shot at and I knew it wasn’t going to stop.  Once I was out of the game, a fresh start looked too good.  All the baggage from the old life, I could let it go and walk away.”

Since then, “I mostly keep my head low.  Don’t draw attention.  Staying out of trouble.”

When asked about how he spends his time, he said, “Ya know, same old same old.  Shop at the Farmer’s Market.  Keep my bees, get some honey.  Flirt with the girls at Dairy Queen.  Nothin’ big.”

For creative exploits, Tupac says, “I like to knit.”  His house was covered with hand knit pieces celebrating his former celebrity and sweaters with ‘Thug Life’ stitched on them.   Above the couch was a large tapestry depicting a scene from his California Love video.  He went on: “I do a lot of writing.  Jewel’s book of poetry, that was mine.  I also ghost wrote the screenplay for ‘The Lake House’.”

Tupac said he has no plans to return to the public eye.  “I’m a keep it straight chillin’ here.  Keep them bees, work the strawberry patch.  End of the day, play on with some World of Warcraft.  It’s a good life.”

I’m madder than a diabetic in a Dairy Queen at that Glenn Beck guy!

I’ve been America’s angriest right wing pundit since Bush was a bean sprout. But now this Glenn Beck guy comes along and gets rich imitating ME!

OK, Glenn Beck doesn’t copy me exactly. He’s a Mormon, first off, and that’s a make believe church like Amway, except Mormons don’t try to sell you dish soap. And he quit drinking years ago, although damned if you’d notice any.

Glenn Beck has this new idea on his TV show. I’m all for tanning the Government’s hide and waving the Stars & Stripes, don’t get me wrong.

But Beck’s notion is pretty hard to follow. Seems you gotta chop up a cobra, throw in some tea bags, and divide it by Seven Dwarves. Then the music goes “woosh!” and stuff spins around and there’s a big “kaboom.” We all hold hands and cry. The End.

Beck quotes Benjamin Franklin a lot these days. Stuff like, “Rattlesnakes’ rattles don’t rattle if you battle with the rattle!” Well, old Ben Franklin used to say a lotta things, like, “Crazy naked party at my place!” (That man spent way too much time in France for my liking…)

First and last time I saw Glenn Beck was at the big goodbye “do” at the White House for “W”. Beck was too busy sucking up all the crab dip to say much, so for all I know the boy’s in his right mind and just a little funny looking.

Glenn, you gotta stop that crying, son! Join a real church, maybe start drinking again. And if you ever need a break from TV, call me and I’ll sit in for you – no charge!

WASHINGTON, DC -Obatma’s visit to see his half-brother Barack Obama was shot down by an overzealous security guard.

President-Elect Obama and his family are staying at the prestigious Hay-Adams Hotel until he is sworn in and can move into the White House.  His famous half-bat half-brother, Obatma, arrived in Washington today to visit his newfound relatives, but was denied access to the premises.

It is unclear why hotel security stopped the boy, and insiders are furious at what appears to be blatant discrimination. A hotel guest heard the security guard telling Obatma, “Take your pointy ears and get lost!”

Barack Obama has offered to put his brother up in a hotel nearby, including promises of ice cream and time with the family to ease tensions.

Obatma has yet to comment officially, but was last seen with Richard Buress who also denied entry to the Senate today.  The two were seen sulking outside of a Dairy Queen, drowning their sorrows in chocolate milkshakes.