Be prepared when the undead arrive!

When they come, there will be lots of them and they have appetites incapable of being spoiled. Worse, we remaining humans will find ourselves bereft of all reliable resources for our survival. You’ll need all the help you can get. Luckily, a forward-thinking fellow named Jeff at doejo.com has got you covered and put together a zombie survival map with locations of all the necessities you need to survive on a zombified planet.

Using Google Maps API, Map of the Dead displays a color-coded key of all of the necessary locations you need to know about in order to survive in a world of zombies. Everything from military resources and cemeteries to pharmacies and liquor stores are included in the map so you’ll be able to find the closest supplier for your needs whenever you run out of something.

The map identifies danger zones, which are described as areas having a high risk of zombie infestation due to the presence of man-made structures. If you’re to go by what the map tells you, zombies are a cosmopolitan class of monsters who only want to hang out in well-developed cities. As you can see below, if you cross the river over into that charcoal-colored area of wilderness on the map you’ll be safely beyond the reach of the zombies’ clutches. However, all of the resources you need are still on the zombie side of the river, so… pack up before you go, I guess?

Cleverly, you can also download a copy to print off and store away in a safe place because, really, if the zombie uprising jumps off, do you think they’re going to provide very reliable IT support? No, but at least you’ll have your trusty map.

As things go, it appears that Central and South America as well as most of Asia and Africa will be largely unaffected by the zombie populations, so in lieu of risking your life and fighting off the legions of undead, you could always just put some money aside and jet down there at the first sign of trouble. Canada, oddly enough, seems to be of no regard to zombies as the country appears to be zombie-free. Cuba, however, seems to have a zombie problem, which figures – will there ever be a time when it’s okay for Americans to safely travel to Cuba again?

Here’s the handy “Map of the Dead” site, plug-in your coordinates, and let it show you a color-coded key of all of the locations you’ll need to know about in order to survive the next several days.

WASHINGTON -  The Obama Administration confirmed tonight that Osama Bin Laden is in the C.I.A.

Fidel Castro, the aging Cuban revolutionary claimed today that Osama bin Laden is in the pay of the CIA and that President George Bush  called upon the al-Qaida leader whenever he needed to increase the fear quotient in America.

The former Cuban president said he knows it because he read it on WikiLeaks.

The Obama Administration swiftly responded. Rahm Emanuel said, “President Obama is having ice cream with his family.  He’ll get back to you on that on next Tuesday.  And yes, he likes vanilla and chocolate.”

But Defense Secretary William Gates spoke with reporters and said, “Oh well, Fidel let the rat out of the bag.  Osama bin Laden did work for the C.I.A. back in the early 1990s.  He was an agent working out of Saudi Arabia.  But we haven’t heard from him since and he hasn’t picked up his monthly check in over fifteen years.”

Gates also confirmed that Osama Bin Laden was in the Washington D.C. the night that George Bush told reporters at the Pentagon that he wanted to bring Osama Bin Laden in “dead or alive.”

Gates denied, however, that the thousands of pages of American classified documents made public by WikiLeaks pointed to who the al-Qaida leader as C.I.A. as Fidel Castro claims.  “I don’t think Fidel could read one page, let alone thousands of pages at this point.”

It is possible that Osama Bin Laden – as a C.I.A  Agent will capture himself and collect the $25 million dollar reward.   It’s not clear whether Osama would bring himself in – dead or alive.

In other related news, Fidel Castro also told a Lithuanian reporter that he felt that humans would have to live on Mars by 2030.  “This planet is going to burn up in the next ten years.”   When asked how he thought humans would get to Mars, Castro said, “The Cuban Mothership.”  He added that there would only be room for Cubans, Russians, Venezuelans and North Koreans on the ship. “Sorry, Americans, you’re not invited.”

“Al Gore isn’t invited either,” said Castro.

Here’s a short bio of of the C.I.A. agent:

My fellow Americans, today is a great day! All over the country, folks like you and me will be getting together at Tea Party protests.

Now normally, old Ed here doesn’t go in for protests with funny signs and yelling. I leave that to the dirty hippies who wrecked our country. And unlike dirty hippies, you and I have jobs we’re supposed to be at.

But today is different.

While the Communist-in-Chief is busy feeding gourmet pizza to his new dog, and growing marijuana for his unicorn in the Rose Garden, the rest of us are getting madder every day.

America is turning into Cuba except with slightly better cars and lousier weather! The Teleprompter Kid wants to steal our guns, put Rush Limbaugh in prison, make us use those funny looking light bulbs that cause pollution when they break — and he’s gonna charge us for the privilege!

Monday was Tax Freedom Day. That means that every dime you made working, since January 1, has gone to pay your taxes. And those taxes are due today. Taxes that pay for a bunch of politicians’ fancy airplanes and big houses and crappy hairpieces!

Taxes that pay for terrorists’ lawyers, and operations for drunk driving illegal aliens, and condoms in schools, and “farmers” who live in downtown New York.

So find out where your fellow patriots are meeting today, pack a tea bag, bring a flag, and remind the Teleprompter Kid and his cronies: we pay their salaries, and we don’t like the job they’re doing!

Remember: mobs of ticked off people refusing to pay their taxes were what got America started!

WASHINGTON, DC – President Obama is opening the door to Cuba.  The two countries will settle their differences once and for all in a Prime Time Tango dance-off.

President Barack Obama has lifted restrictions on Americans visiting family in Cuba.  This marks the first time in 50 years America has eased restrictions with Cuba, and is a key first step towards what many hope will be more normalized relations with the island country.

The idea for this came when the Obamas unexpectedly met with Fidel Castro in Turkey last week.  Sources close to the President confirm that a secret dinner was held, in which the Cuban leader thanked them for allowing him to meet the Alien.

After many laughs, drinks, and cigars, the world leaders were well on their way to putting their differences behind them.  When a particularly rousing song came on, Fidel Castro asked Michelle Obama to dance, and led her across the floor in a sensuous Tango.  Seeing the blatant challenge by the former Cuban Dictator, President Obama was left to sit and watch as he did not know the dance.

The Cuban-American grudge, which started with the Cuban Missile Crisis and only fueled by Fidel Castro dancing with the President’s wife, will finally be settled once and for all on in a Tango competition on prime time television.  Each country will select their greatest champions to dance on their behalf.  A team of impartial mystery judges will be flown in for the competition.  The location of the will be kept secret until the last minute, but is expected to be in Trinidad or Tobago.

Michelle Obama has refused to comment on being swept away by the communist leader.  However she has been spotted reading several romance novels in the past week.

HAVANA, CUBA – Fidel Castro met with US lawmakers for the first time in years this Tuesday.  Political expert the Alien was on hand to assist with the talks. 
Washington is attempting to warm up relations with the communist country, including lifting the ban on American travel and the long held trade embargo.

The Alien, acting as an outside opinion, agreed that a furthered dialogue could be beneficial for both nations.

“The Cold War is long over.  There is no reason these two nations should not pursue a dialogue which could be mutually beneficial.”

Fidel Castro requested the Alien specifically to help mediate the meeting.  It was during the most heated portion of America’s relationship with Cuba that the Alien crash landed in Roswell New Mexico.  At the time Castro was obsessed with learning what advantages, technological or political, the Alien may be giving his cold war adversaries.  Finally seeing the Alien, knowing with certainty he exists and even talking with him, was the realization of a long held dream for Mr. Castro.

The meeting focused on the normalization between the two countries, and what that could mean.  Fidel and his brother Raul Castro believe that the Obama administration may be able to finally open the doors between the neighboring countries.

After the meeting Fidel took the Alien aside to ask about the part he played in “the old days.”  The Alien, although very polite, seemed very uncomfortable and kept giving the ‘help me’ signal to his fellow delegates.

The typically staunch communist leader seemed very keen on seeing improved US Cuba relations within his lifetime, and sent all the delegates home with large boxes of cigars and novelty military hat /fake beard sets.

I’m madder than a terrorist with a plugged up toilet about Guantanamo Bay!

For years, we heard how Bush was the next Hitler for keeping bad guys in a Cuban prison. The Teleprompter Kid said these guys were being mistreated. Heck, I thought beating up bad guys was the whole point!

Lemme at ‘em!

Well, the Communist-in-Chief’s gone and changed his mind. Now he says those terrorists were being treated just fine in Gitmo after all. Like that’s a good thing! Darn you, President Bush, here I thought you and Cheney were slapping these scumbags around all this time. What a let down.

In fact, I found out through the computer machine that the guys in Gitmo get interrogated in Laz-E-Boy chairs and eat so much fancy food that most of them are fatter than when they went it. (Maybe that’s to make them easier to spot and shoot after we let them go…)

I know one thing: this Gitmo sounds like a pretty nice set up. Cuba’s sunny and warm – as long as you can put up with the stench of international communism and the Castro boys’ b.o.

You think maybe the Communist-in-Chief can find a few bucks in his zillion-dollar budget to fly this here old veteran down there for a week’s vacation?

Speaking of which: I also heard on the computer machine that if you spent a million dollars a day since Jesus was born, you still wouldn’t reach the amount of money they’re spending in Obama’s stimulation package.

Frankfurters and myrrh, that’s a load of gold!

I’m angrier than Adam Smith in an itchy kilt about what’s happened to our once great nation!

The other day I saw the Communist-in-Chief at a townhall meeting on tv — but I thought I was watching ‘Let’s Make a Deal’.

One lady got up and told him she needed a car and a new kitchen. The Teleprompter Kid told her to talk with his staff after the show and sure enough, some rich friend of his gave her a house! I thought I was watching Oprah instead of Obama!

Heck, Jesus himself only gave out fish sandwiches.

Some other guy wanted more unemployment insurance, and another didn’t like his benefits at McDonald’s. Mr. and Mrs. America, it was like a bunch of kids visiting Santa at the mall, except these nuts were louder and crazier!

Did folks beg Abe Lincoln for spare change on his way to the movies? Did John Adams buy everyone a new washing machine? What an embarrassment!

What happened to the good old days, when ordinary Americans worked at the same job for forty years, got a gold watch, then pawned it when times got tough?

We complain about the lineups at the DMV, but we want the same government to take care of us?

You all should move to Cuba, where Castro will give you a second hand rice cooker once in a while before he throws you in jail. Old Ed Anger will gladly buy you moochers a one-way ticket, cuz it’ll be the last free thing you get on this man’s dime!

GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA – Rumors that President-elect Barack Obama will close the Guantanamo Bay prison has left more than just humans concerned.

It is being reported that Obama’s advisers are currently drafting a plan to move terrorism suspects to the United States to face criminal trials. As soon as the rumors started circulating, the Chaos Cloud appeared above the Guantanamo Bay prison and has not moved since.

It is widely believed that the Chaos Cloud is nonpartisan.  In fact, it seems to have completely non-human motives, but scientists have been unable to discern much beyond its desire to keep chaos under control until its final descent in 2014.

Chaos Cloud specialists have stated that the Cloud is warning disagreeing parties to keep it civil, lest it must come down and make us. Decmocrats and Republicans have agreed to stay calm, as no one wants to see what the Cloud would have in store for us.