My fellow Americans, today is a great day! All over the country, folks like you and me will be getting together at Tea Party protests.

WASHINGTON, DC – President Obama is opening the door to Cuba. The two countries will settle their differences once and for all in a Prime Time Tango dance-off.

HAVANA, CUBA – Fidel Castro met with US lawmakers for the first time in years this Tuesday. Political expert the Alien was on hand to assist with the talks.

I’m madder than a terrorist with a plugged up toilet about Guantanamo Bay!

I’m angrier than Adam Smith in an itchy kilt about what’s happened to our once great nation!

GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA – Rumors that President-elect Barack Obama will close the Guantanamo Bay prison has left more than just humans concerned.