WASILLA, AK – Sarah Palin resigned as Governor of Alaska last week.  In a startling press conference, she has revealed her new mission: hunting Bigfoot.

Sarah Palin has officially resigned as Governor of Alaska, in a move she swears has nothing to do with an ongoing police investigation.  Residents of the state, in an outpouring of support, took to the streets waving signs saying “We Love You Sarah!” and pictures of bikini models with her face glued on.  Palin gave her last speech as Governor in her favorite bar; out of respect, hot wings were half off for the next hour.

Over the weekend Palin held the much anticipated press conference to announce her new project.  Inviting members of the press into her home yet again, she brought them into her previously unseen trophy room.  After several minutes of down-homey speaking and adorably incorrect grammar, she removed the sheet hanging behind her to reveal the mounted heads of a dozen sasquatches and several other cryptids.  “My new purpose in life” she said “is to bring the joy of hunting these elusive creatures to as many people as possible!”

In the official press packet delivered to media outlets, Palin’s plan was more clearly outlined.  She hopes to advocate the mass hunting of Bigfoot in America.  Starting in Alaska she will work to not only remove limits on hunting the endangered species, but encourage as many people as possible to do so.  “The existence of this so-called ‘Missing Link’ is a slap in the face to God, and the faith of real Americans.”

Palin has a history of hunting Bigfoot, as documented last year by Weekly World News.

Once done in Alaska, she hopes to move on to other states, encouraging the hunting of other animals whose existence calls to question a literal interpretation of the Bible.  Placed upon her wall were the heads of a dozen Sasquatches, several Chupacabra, the horn of a narwhal, and one Jersey Devil.

Heads of the Mutant Anti-Defamation League are up in arms over this move.  They believe that encouraging violence towards these creatures could easily lead to people hunting mutants as well.  Environmental groups are also furious at the ecological impact of intentionally hunting several rare species into extinction.

In response to questions raised by these groups, Palin simply shrugged and smiled, saying, “I just gotta be me!”

SEATTLE, WA – After this week’s announcement of the 2009 Sasquatch Music Festival, cyber cafes across the country are reporting mysterious nighttime break-ins.

The Sasquatch Music Festival is a three-day concert held annually in Washington state. Bands play on three seperate stages: Sasquatch Main Stage, Wookie Stage and Yeti Stage. The line-up is heavily anticipated, as the festival attracts bigger headliners every year.

Now numerous cyber cafes, all near wooded areas, have been reporting break-ins. The owners arrived this morning to find windows smashed in, clumps of hair and feces strewn about, and computers logged into the festival’s ticketing website.

A security camera captured the image above, of what is indisputably two Sasquatches attempting to buy tickets!

Weekly World News reporters have begun searching Sasquatch-frequented Internet message boards for clues, and it seems the country’s entire humanoid population is planning on attending. Younger cryptids are raving about Animal Collective and Grizzly Bear, while the older ones think it’s a species reunion.

Fatfoot, the overweight Sasquatch, is protesting the festival, alledging weight discrimination after his band Fatfoot and the Gigantopitheci was not picked to play.

NEW YORK, NY – Sports Illustrated’s annual Swimsuit Issue hit the stands recently, and one of the photographs revealed more than anyone expected.  In the background of several shots of cover model Bar Rafaeli a sea monster can clearly be seen.

Currently famous for being Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend, Rafaeli can now expect to be a super-celebrity among conspiracy theorists and crypto-zoologists.

When asked about the background of the shots, Sports Illustrated representative Miles O’Rourke says “The image in the background of the shots is completely unintentional.  We did not put the creature there and we are not trying to make any point by including it in our publication.  Sports Illustrated currently has no stance on the cryptid issue.”  When asked how the image slipped by their editors he continued “Honestly, no one was looking at the background in those photos.”

Sports Illustrated subscriptions have skyrocketed in the last few hours.  The magazine is reaching a whole new untapped customer base, one that has no interest or talent for sports whatsoever but an undying passion for the truth.  In the past 6 hours sales have gone up 438% to addresses that end with “my parent’s basement.”  Representatives remain tight lipped as to whether they will appeal to their new base by including more cryptids in future issues.

When approached for comment about her newfound celebrity among cryptid enthusiasts, Mrs. Rafaeli used Krav Maga to illustrate her refusal to comment by putting one reporter in a choke hold and sending the other two running.

BLUE MOUNTAINS, OR – After a spate of high-profile Twitter accounts were hacked, the world’s most famous cryptid became the next victim.

Weekly World News was able to screen-capture the fake update before it was deleted, which announced, “nessie is gay”.

A representative from Cryptids & Humanoids Alliance Against Defamation issued a statement on Bigfoot’s behalf this morning: “Bigfoot is embarrassed and infuriated at this identity theft. He wants to formally apologize to the Loch Ness Monster for any emotional distress this has caused, and reiterate that he has no opinion on the Monster’s sexuality.

“Bigfoot’s twitter followers know he would never write such a sophomoric attempt at humor. He asks that twitter find and prosecute this hacker to the fullest extent of the law.”

For Bigfoot’s usual twitter habits, read his last five updates:

ugh, avoiding stalkerazzi, never stop taking photos of me  9:47PM Jan 3rd, 2008 from web

ditched skunk ape cousin’s xmas dinner, total hillbilly!  7:03PM Dec 25th, 2008 from web

is it time for gossip girl yet?  5:38PM Dec 22nd, 2008 from web

burned myself trying to make a fire   10:02PM Dec 19th, 2008 from web

thinking about getting a cat, or a badger  11:17AM Dec 16th, 2008 from web

NEW YORK, NY – To welcome in the new year, Weekly World News flew in some of the years biggest shakers and news makers for a holiday party.

Mutants, cryptids, and journalists toasted the new year at a party held in the WWN Headquarters in downtown Manhattan.

When asked what their New Year’s resolutions would be, here are some of your favorite celebrities answers:

PhD Ape, three martinis in, wrote a mini dissertation on a cocktail napkin in calligraphy.  In summation, he hopes to continue to make a positive contribution to people in need and learn to be a good father.  Also he wants to take a pottery class.

Bat Boy, who was given sodas and pixie sticks all night, drew on construction paper pictures of himself and Obatma playing together on the White House lawn.

Manigator, drinking cans of cheap beer and what appeared to be moonshine out of a coffee can, wrote down on a used napkin, “This year it’s gonna be difrent when they get into (illegible) They don’t know who they’re dealin with (stained section) that’s just crazy they’d charge me for-”

That was as far as he got before the writing trailed off and he passed out in the bathroom.

Fatfoot said through his wildlife worker/interpreter that he wanted to stop using food to deal with his feelings, start leading a more active lifestyle, and most importantly learn to love himself so others can love him to.  For the last night of the year, he allowed himself to splurge on 7-11 Big Gulps and a tray of pigs-in-a-blanket.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – In order to redeem her public image, Miley Cyrus has recorded a duet with Fatfoot for charity.

Miley Cyrus, daughter of singer Billy Ray Cyrus, shot to fame after her TV show “Hannah Montana” became one of the biggest hits in Disney Channel’s history. However, a recent Vanity Fair spread featuring Miley’s bare back caused her heavy criticism.

In order to reclaim her pop princess title, Miley has turned to good deeds. Last week she set out bait of apple cores and Funyuns in a dumpster behind her recording studio. Not 30 minutes later, Fatfoot, the overweight Sasquatch, burst through the nearby trees to claim the food. But Fatfoot got an even better prize of being asked to join Miley in recording a duet!

He was thrilled to join in, but only after finishing the Funyuns.

All of the proceeds will go to a campaign for promoting healthy eating habits to children. The two divas sang a modified version of Miley’s song “Wake Up America”, with Billy Ray on acoustic guitar. Billy Ray was so moved that his weeping can be slightly heard in the recording.

A representative from Cryptids & Humanoids Alliance Against Defamation stated, “We are thrilled that Miley has featured a cryptid in one of her songs, and exposed the truth that humans aren’t the only ones with dietary issues. Little humanoids need to be just as concerned as human children about growing up strong and healthy! Fatfoot is a sad example of how it can all go wrong.”

Miley Cyrus’ record label provided Weekly World News with a small excerpt of the new song. Keep an eye out for the music video debuting later this month, only on the Disney Channel!

“Wake Up America”

Wake up America
We’re all in this together it’s our
Children so let’s take care of them
You know that you want to, you know that you got to
Wake up America
Tomorrow becomes the new day
And everything you do matters
Yeah everything you do matters in some way!

LONG ISLAND SOUND, NY – The Lake Erie Monster tried out for the Saturday Night Live auditions to find new female cast members.

Star member Amy Poehler departed from the show after giving birth, leaving the show in dire straits. With only two female cast members left, Saturday Night Live quickly put out the call for interested parties to audition. Little did they know what it would bring up from the murky depths…

The Lake Erie Monster was able to make her way into the try-outs and did the only impression she has: Sarah Palin. Her 60-second audition consisted of her alternating between shouting, “Maverick!” over and over again and winking at the camera.

She was seemingly oblivious to the fact that former cast member Tina Fey had shot the show to ratings heaven with her own Palin impression just a few weeks back. Lorne Michaels was not amused. Comedians Abby Elliott and Michaela Watkins were chosen and introduced in last Saturday’s episode.

It is believed that Lemmie (as she refers to be called) was only allowed to audition because of Affirmative Action, which has recently been broadened to include cryptids. After being rejected, she cried hysterically for four seconds and then re-submerged into Long Island Sound, leaving only a trail of mascara behind.

Is this the last we’ll see of the Lake Erie diva? This Weekly World News writer thinks not.

]]> http://weeklyworldnews.com/headlines/3854/snl-rejects-lake-erie-monster/feed/ 1 Garrett Hawley lemmiesnl