LEBANON, KY -  A man shot and killed a chupacabra in Kentucky!

A man in Lebanon Junction, Ky., spotted a chupacabra on his property and shot it dead.

Local politicians believe that the chupacabra was released into Kentucky by the Obama Administration because they are not happy with the Republican-leaning citizens of the Bluegrass State.

Robert Gibbs, White House Press Secretary, however, denied that allegation.  “We have not released any beasts into any state at any time.”  Gibbs added with a smile, “though if Sarah Palin ever sees Big Foot, we might have something to do with that.”

Pressed about whether he knew about any chupacabras running wild in Kentucky, Gibbs said, ” There is no concrete evidence that chupacabras exist, anywhere.”

Hmmm… That’s strange.  WWN had a report this summer about The Obama Administration releasing several chupacabras into Arizona after they passed their immigration law.  The release of chupcabras was confirmed by multiple reports by authorities in Arizona.  Read the full WWN report on this event.

In Kentucky, Mark Cothren said he shot down the animal with whiskers and big ears and denies that it was a house cat – as some people call it.  He also rejects comments from some neighbors speculating that was a coyote or a hairless rat.  “It’s a chupacabra.  No doubt about it,” said Cothren.

Researchers at the University of Louisville confirmed that the animal was, in fact, a chupacabra. Lebanon Police Chief also confirmed that it was a chupacabra.  “I don’t know what a chupacabra is, but I know all the animals that roam these parts and that thing, well I ain’t never seen nothing like it before. So, if Mark says it’s a chupacabra, then I say it’s a chupacabra.”

Professor Anna Pfeffer, of the University of Illinois, a specialist in chupacabras and a MacArthur Grant winner for her work with beasts and harpies, flew into Kentucky to examine the carcass.  “It’s definitely a male chupacabra. I’m 100% sure.  I’ve shot twenty or thirty of them myself, even choked some to death with my own bare hands.  They can be vicious and extremely dangerous.  I think Mr. Cothren did a remarkable job of slaying the beast.”

Professor Pfeffer wanted to take the dead beast back with her to Illinois, but Cothren wouldn’t let her.  “I plan on grilling that goat sucker as soon as I can,” Cothren said.

Cothren  invited the media to view the body of the goat sucker (as it’s called in some countries).  The beast was prowling his property looking for something to kill and eat.

Here’s a YouTube video Mr. Cothren made about his kill:

NEW ORLEANS, LA – After an altercation with police Monday night, the half-man half-alligator mutant Manigator has been banned from Tuesday’s Mardi Gras celebrations.

Police were called in Monday when Manigator became belligerent, disputing the results of a Wet T-Shirt contest.  When authorities arrived the clearly inebriated cryptid was standing on the bar shouting, “Those judges were in the tank, ‘n I declare a mistrial!”  Witnesses saw him be carried into the back of a cruiser still slurring loudly, “I demands a recount!  S’in the Consi’tushun!  Recount!”

In court this morning a judge ordered Manigator be banned from all celebrations, and will remain in a jail cell until Thursday.

Native to the Florida Everglades, Manigator visits Mardi Gras religiously. Due to his imprisonment, this will mark the first year since he was discovered that the mutant will not be arrested during the festivities.

Over the years, Manigator has been taken into custody for outstanding drunkenness and public indecency, harassing tourists, having an unregistered float in the parade (him on a red wagon), holding unlicensed séances for tourists, throwing a ‘pre-game cockfight’ which failed due to using hens, and stealing bead necklaces off of children.

When the judge asked Manigator if he had any final words before sentence was carried out, he said “Yer ‘Oner, I hold true to mah beliefs: number six should have won it and fer that blonde girl to get all the money is a miscarriage of justice.”

Court was closed and sentence carried out.  Upon leaving Manigator said he will be contacting the ACLU and the United Cryptid Defense Fund to file an appeal.

NEW YORK, NY – Sports Illustrated’s annual Swimsuit Issue hit the stands recently, and one of the photographs revealed more than anyone expected.  In the background of several shots of cover model Bar Rafaeli a sea monster can clearly be seen.

Currently famous for being Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend, Rafaeli can now expect to be a super-celebrity among conspiracy theorists and crypto-zoologists.

When asked about the background of the shots, Sports Illustrated representative Miles O’Rourke says “The image in the background of the shots is completely unintentional.  We did not put the creature there and we are not trying to make any point by including it in our publication.  Sports Illustrated currently has no stance on the cryptid issue.”  When asked how the image slipped by their editors he continued “Honestly, no one was looking at the background in those photos.”

Sports Illustrated subscriptions have skyrocketed in the last few hours.  The magazine is reaching a whole new untapped customer base, one that has no interest or talent for sports whatsoever but an undying passion for the truth.  In the past 6 hours sales have gone up 438% to addresses that end with “my parent’s basement.”  Representatives remain tight lipped as to whether they will appeal to their new base by including more cryptids in future issues.

When approached for comment about her newfound celebrity among cryptid enthusiasts, Mrs. Rafaeli used Krav Maga to illustrate her refusal to comment by putting one reporter in a choke hold and sending the other two running.

NEW YORK, NY – Merrill Lynch’s CEO John Thain is leaving the firm, amid furor over his purchase of a yeti skin rug with company funds.

Thain was the last chairman and CEO of Merrill Lynch before the recent merge with Bank of America. At a time when he was to be saving the company from bankruptcy, recent documents have revealed that Thain blew $1.22 million of tax dollar bailout money on refurnishing his office.

The most egregious offense appears to be an $87,000 rug bought for the redecoration. Critics immediately pounced on the purchase, questioning where such an expensive rug could have come from.

Weekly World News has discovered that the rug is in fact the head and skin of a Nepalese yeti. Sightings of the creature are extremely rare, but the capturing and killing of one is almost unheard of. Records show that Thain flew out to Bhutan, Nepal to personally buy the rug from a renowned local sherpa, Girija Shah.

Bank of America Chief Executive Kenneth Lewis spoke out on the incident: “We have been entrusted with the American people’s tax dollars in order to bring around this crisis, and we failed them. Mr. Thain’s extravagant purchases are the epitome of what we have been trying to avoid. Bank of America wishes to apologize to the country’s citizens for this oversight, and wishes to reiterate our dedication to responsible spending.

“We also wish to apologize to any conversation groups that took offense. We do not in any way condone the killing and displaying of an endangered, er… animal? creature?” A Bank of America spokesperson whispered into Lewis’ ear, and he continued, “An endangered cryptid. We will be donating money to the World Cryptid Federation in the yeti’s honor.”

BLUE MOUNTAINS, OR – After a spate of high-profile Twitter accounts were hacked, the world’s most famous cryptid became the next victim.

Weekly World News was able to screen-capture the fake update before it was deleted, which announced, “nessie is gay”.

A representative from Cryptids & Humanoids Alliance Against Defamation issued a statement on Bigfoot’s behalf this morning: “Bigfoot is embarrassed and infuriated at this identity theft. He wants to formally apologize to the Loch Ness Monster for any emotional distress this has caused, and reiterate that he has no opinion on the Monster’s sexuality.

“Bigfoot’s twitter followers know he would never write such a sophomoric attempt at humor. He asks that twitter find and prosecute this hacker to the fullest extent of the law.”

For Bigfoot’s usual twitter habits, read his last five updates:

ugh, avoiding stalkerazzi, never stop taking photos of me  9:47PM Jan 3rd, 2008 from web

ditched skunk ape cousin’s xmas dinner, total hillbilly!  7:03PM Dec 25th, 2008 from web

is it time for gossip girl yet?  5:38PM Dec 22nd, 2008 from web

burned myself trying to make a fire   10:02PM Dec 19th, 2008 from web

thinking about getting a cat, or a badger  11:17AM Dec 16th, 2008 from web

BURLINGTON, VT – Over the holidays, Matt Dillon was arrested for driving 106mph in rural Vermont.  His reason for doing so: “Manigator made me do it.”

According to police reports Matt Dillon claims that he met Manigator in a dive in New York City and the two hit it off.  After several hours, Dillon agreed to give the half-man half-alligator a ride.

Shortly after beginning their trip, Manigator began taunting Dillon for the way he drove, encouraging to him to go faster and faster.

“Partly I wanted to shut him up, but mostly I just wanted to get to Maine faster so I could drop him off and be rid of him.”

As soon as the police arrived, according to Dillon, Manigator began to panic and leapt out the window before the car had even come to a complete stop.  Police did not see the cryptid, only the dozens of cheep beer cans he left scattered in the floorboard.  Dillon said “Come on, I don’t drink that crap!  I’m Matt Dillon!”

He then began to shout about a half-man half-alligator with a drinking problem, so police brought him in for questioning and several drug tests.

Dillon is currently being charged with excessive speeding and authorities are on the lookout for Manigator.  No one is sure why he may be going to Maine, but all nursing homes in the state have been placed on high alert.

CHICAGO, IL – President-Elect Obama’s Transition team announced today that the First Family to be has made a very important decision. They have decided on what breed of pet to bring to the White House: a Bigfoot.

In fact, it is a tiny Bigfoot.  And to accommodate Malia’s allergies, this little big-guy is the first hypo-allergenic Sasquatch known to man.

In a press conference last week, President-Elect Obama announced that they would seek to find a hypo-allergenic breed of dog in a shelter, knowing it would be a near impossible feat.

Within hours of the announcement, volunteers from a West Virginia animal shelter, began contacting the Obama Transition team to notify them of a unique animal they had been rehabilitating in their facilities for weeks.

“Hikers found the Tiny Bigfoot, Albert, in the woods back in August,” shelter director, Susan Thomas told reporters.  “We ran all sorts of tests on him to identify his species and age, and one of the things we noticed was that he didn’t cause an allergic reaction in people who usually show signs resulting from dander or saliva.  He may not be a mutt, but he sure is a doll.”

The Tiny Bigfoot spent the weekend with the Obama family to insure Malia didn’t have any adverse reactions.  Spokesmen from the First-Lady-Elect’s office told reporters that the family took to Albert very quickly.  “He is already a great companion to the girls and is proving to be an excellent guard dog.  He doesn’t let them out of his sight.”

The President-Elect himself is reported to be very pleased with their choice and looks forward to increased relations between his administration and the cryptid community.

KEY LARGO, FL – Manigator flees arrest at a McCain rally where he bit a man he claimed was “Un-American.”

During a rally for the Republican presidential candidate, proceedings were halted by a sudden commotion at the back of the open air venue.  A young Latino man was flailing hysterically at what appeared to be a small alligator biting his pants, while screaming “I told you man, I’m Puerto Rican!”

After being shaken loose, the creature yelled back, “Damn Mexicans, taking our jobs!” He then went on to make lurid passes at several of the campaign’s interns. The small cryptid slurred much of his speech and witnesses say he smelled of cheap whiskey.

Police and wildlife officers arrived on the scene shortly thereafter to apprehend the manigator. However, he avoided capture for thirty minutes while shouting expletives about being denied free speech.  Eventually he was able to slip under a fence and make a run back to the swamp.

Police tracked Manigator through the swamp for hours, following a trail of menthol cigarette packs and frequent yells of “Get ‘er Done!”

The human-reptile hybrid is still at large.