PHILADELPHIA – Chinese spies, living in the U.S., haven taken over American swimming pools.  Americans are burning up!

In the past week, Chinese spies, who have been under cover in the U.S. – working as botanists, dry cleaners and chiropodists – have hatched a plan to keep Americans from cooling off. The FBI disclosed the secret  operation, which the Chinese call  “Op Poo” to the public.

Americans heading to public pools on Saturday where distraught to find all the pools filled with Chinese people in colored inner tubes.  “I’ve never seen so many people in one spot in my life,” said Wendy Grossman of Media, Pennsylvania.  “They wouldn’t get out. They just kept splashing and screaming. It was frightening.”

Some citizens were not about to let a few thousand Chinese keep them from cooling off.  “My brother, Vinny, just got on the diving board, told them all to get out of his way, then he jumped,” Bobby Grimaldi told reporters. But soon after Vinny Grimaldi landed on fifteen Chinese women with purple noodles – he disappeared.  “We never saw him again,” said a weepy Vinny.

Op Poo is underway across the country. And it’s not limited to public pools. They are invading private pools as well.  Bridget Geegan and her daughter Rose were heading out to the backyard pool of their St. Louis home to escape the 100 degree heat and were stunned to find three hundred Chinese men in Speedos screaming and splashing in the water. “When we first walked outside we didn’t see anybody, but five minutes later… they came out of nowhere, filled the pool.  It was like one big Chinese Flash Mob!”

Some have speculated that the spies are not actually in the United States, but are digging into the U.S. from China. “It’s all part of a master plan for China to crush America,” said one State Department official. This was confirmed by Bo Ling, a captured spy from Guangzhou. “We want win war, with no fight battle!”

Beaches, lakes, swimming holes, ponds, streams, even some puddles… are filled with Chinese swimmers. “They have all our money. Now they’re taking our pools. What’s next?” said a concerned Tea Party Patriot.  On Glenn Beck’s show Friday he suggested that the Chinese swimmers are actually union members sent by Obama (and the Communists) who are disguising themselves as Chinese to confuse “freedom-loving Americans.”  Beck said that the Founding Fathers predicted that this would happen one day.  Beck was last seen near a toilet at Fox News.

At noon on Saturday, all of the Chinese Swimmers shouted, “We want Mike Phelp! We want Mike Phelp!”  But Olympic swimmer, Michael Phelps, went missing at his lap pool early Saturday morning.

President Obama called in the Navy Seals to help, but they all went missing. He’s now sending in accountants who are afraid of water. WWN will stay safely inside our air-conditioned offices,  and follow the story.   We will stay away from all water.

AUSTRIA -  In a secret swap on the tarmac of the Vienna airport, Russia and the United States returned their respective spies: Vladmir Putin and Sarah Palin.

In the saga that gripped America, members of a Russian spy ring were recently busted by the FBI and were returned to their masters in Moscow following a swap in Austria.  Four Russian prisoners were whisked to freedom  in a Russian jet, the Yak-42.  But it wasn’t until Sunday after the Russian spy ring leader, the sultry Sarah Palin, was handed back over to Russia that the saga finally came to an end.

The Obama Administration wasted no time in handing over Sarah Palin to the Russians.

Anna Chapman, the redhead whose role in the spy scandal has carried her to celebrity status, called Palin as soon as she landed in Moscow. “Put the lipstick on the pig, our eagle has landed!”  The Russian Web site LifeNews.ru reported that Chapman handed Palin a gift – Russian stacking dolls that featured Palin stacked inside McCain stacked inside Levi Johnston stacked inside Obama.

David Axelrod said on Fox News Sunday that Palin had been a sleeper agent in the United States for the last ten years.  “Actually, the CIA has her categorized as a deep sleeper.”  Axelrod went on to tell Wallace that the only one in the government that knew Sarah Palin was a spy was John McCain.  But McCain overlooked this information because “she has great legs.”

Vladimir Putin, on the other hand, was actually born Vinny Cacciatori in Bayonne, New Jersey in 1952. He spent his youth smashing parking meters in Hoboken, and in the 1980s joined the Lucchese crime family.  Putin, known as “Vinny the Chest,” was arrested at the Stiletto Strip Club in Carlstadt, NJ in 1987, but instead of entering the Witness Protection Program he agreed to become an American spy in Russia. He quickly rose to the head of the KGB and President of the Russian Federation. He was the Prime Minister of Russia when the swap was made. When Putin’s childhood friend, Jimmy “The Hamster” Amato, heard about the news he said, “I’m proud of Vin. He done good. Now give me your jelly donut, or I’ll crack your head.”

Some at the CIA are speculating that Putin and Palin are the same person. CIA codebreaker, Tim Burns, said “you swap the ‘ut’ for the ‘al’ and they are identical.”  Others have pointed out that Putin and Palin both love to hunt and fish and  both love to walk around topless in the woods.

When Palin arrived at her new apartment in Moscow she exclaimed,  “I can see Alaska.”  Weekly World News confirmed that it is not possible for Sarah to see her house, but WWN learned that the KGB has been writing Sarah’s speeches for years. “It’s amazing what the American people will believe,” a KGB spokesperson said.

Palin will be joining The Moscow Circus where she’ll be training Mama Grizzlies.

Putin is back in Bayonne, where he is planning on opening a Pizza & Borscht shop.

WASHINGTON, DC – A former doctor of Republican Presidential Candidate, Senator John McCain, claims the reason McCain has continually refused to release his medical records is because he is, in fact, a cyborg!

Dr. John Lawler, renowned gastroenterologist at Walter Reed Medical Center, reports that during a routine medical inspection, he discovered what he believed to be polyps on Sen. McCain’s colon. Upon further inspection, Dr. Lawler discovered what appeared to be thumbnail sized microchips throughout Sen. McCain’s digestive and nervous system.

Calls to the Hanoi Hilton have not been returned, although a recent press release from medical personnel formerly employed by the Viet Cong suggest prior knowledge of McCain’s cyborg status. The press release, dated September 15, 2008 denies any role in transforming McCain into a machine.

This is not the first time that claims of a Northern Vietnamese program to infiltrate the United States government with cyborg operatives have emerged. However, until now, hard proof of such a program has been unavailable.

Under the Freedom of Information Act, a request has been submitted to the Federal Government on behalf of Weekly World News to require the McCain Campaign to release all medical records for the Senator.

New cracks have appeared in the 61-year government cover-up of a fatal UFO crash in Roswell, New Mexico.

Investigators have unearthed a skull at the top-secret Air Force base — the second such discovery — and the find all but shatters Washington’s attempts to conceal the explosive truth from the American people.

Like the first skull, reported previously by Weekly World News, the new evidence provides damning testimony against the government’s contention that the wreckage of a crashed vessel at Roswell in 1947 was merely a weather balloon.

Both the new and old skulls are oval-shaped, corresponding to many descriptions of extraterrestrials provided by people claiming to have been abducted by aliens — yet their accounts have been officially dismissed as the ravings of lunatics.
But the most conclusive testimony comes from geneticist Dr. Merlin Peakes, who conducted DNA tests on a bone fragment taken from the recently found skull.

“Unlike humans, who all have exactly 23 chromosomes, this creature has 37,” he says. “Whereas humans have two paired sex chromosomes — accounting for the two sexes into which the human race is divided — the alien has three paired sex chromosomes. That means this extraterrestrial race has three sexes — male, female and neuter.

“From this startling fact, we have been able to deduce that their population is made up mostly of sexless drones who do all the work, while a small minority devote their time to reproduction.

“The alien skull is that of a drone — a hapless astronaut sent to Earth on a suicide mission. Presumably, its masters knew there was no chance of a return voyage. Its job was to transmit information about us back to its home planet before crashing, Kamikaze- like, into the ground.”

The discovery of the skull provides an unexpected boost to Eugene Tully, who is raising funds to mount a campaign for a seat in the U.S. House of Representatives on the obscure WNA (We’re Not Alone) Party ticket.

“I see this as a sign that WNA’s time has come,” says Tully, who insists he spent 11 years on a planet called Ferox in the Perseus-A galaxy during the late 1960s and early 1970s.

“This coverup must end today,” he says. “These aliens mean us no good. I know. I was there. They tried to wipe out my memory with drugs, but I can recall those years — most of them, anyway.

“They intend to enslave us so they can continue to have sex 24/7. We’re Americans — proud and free — and we can’t let that happen. Write your congressman, write your senator, write the president, buy a gun, pray to God, send money to my campaign fund!

“Our real enemy isn’t Al Qaeda. It’s these aliens. Now we have proof that they’ve already been here. Their vehicle crashed in ’47 at Roswell. At least two of them were killed. Next time, they might survive.

“Maybe there’s already been a ‘next time.’ Maybe they’re here now. Maybe they’ve infiltrated the government. Trust nobody — except me!”

And they’re finally ripe for slaughter!

As if overweight Americans didn’t have enough to worry about with people making fun of them all the time, a captured space alien has told the FBI that “tubbos we’ve fattened up with junk food are finally ripe for the slaughter.”

And to make sure agents understood exactly what he was talking about, the almond-eyed bulb-head went on to say, “That’s right, chief. We’re going to eat them.”

As wild as the creature’s claims might sound, the FBI has reason to believe that he is telling the truth.

Sources say that when discovered in the kitchen of a fast-food restaurant in Birmingham, Alabama, that had closed for the night, the extraterrestrial was spraying already calorie-rich burgers, fries and fish sandwiches with a sticky brown mist that has since been identified as a super-concentrated extract of animal and human fats.

And while searching the alien’s silver-foil fanny pack for laser weapons, communications devices and identification, they found several vials of a strange, sugar-like substance that according to a laboratory analysis, when consumed by humans, is almost instantly converted to flab.

Under intense questioning, the extraterrestrial reportedly boasted that “thousands of my comrades” have been lacing junk foods with the strange liquids “for 20 of your Earth years. Now we will reap the rewards in the harvest of your obese ones, who by anyone’s reckoning, make for good eatin’.”

“The threat is real,” FBI chief Robert Mueller was warned in an alarming internal memo that was leaked to reporters in Washington, D.C., on Sept. 4.

“Their intention is to abduct, slaughter and eat overweight Americans, and not just a few here and there — we’re talking about millions of them.

“An extraterrestrial invasion, herding process and mass abduction seem imminent, and the question is: Can we stop it?”
The FBI will neither confirm nor deny the report.

The President, meanwhile, is said to have asked for “a full intelligence assessment of the threat” to national security before he decides just how to break the news to American citizens, 147 million of which are grossly overweight and would appear to be at risk.

“If somebody thinks he’s going to wind up on a space alien’s dinner table with an apple in his mouth he’s going to do whatever it takes to keep that from happening, and that includes losing weight,” fumes Meg Kennedy, co-founder of the San Francisco-based fat-pride group, Big Beautiful Women and Men of America.

“If extraterrestrials were targeting skinny people, I’ll guarantee you there would be a national alert.

“It just goes to show that people of size always get the short end of the stick.”