NORWALK, CT -   Sean Penn has come to the rescue again!  He is helping victims of Hurricane Irene.

Sean Penn, infamous actor turned  journalist/political activist/hurricane rescuer flew into Newark airport yesterday and went to work helping flood victims in Mahwah, New Jersey and in Norwalk, Connecticut.

Penn came to the aide of Hurricane Katrina victims in 2008 – bringing food, water and a camera crew.  He ran into trouble though when the boat he was using sprung a leak.  As the boat began to sink, Penn started crying like a baby (and he wasn’t acting).  He was eventually  rescued by the National Guard.

Penn was anxious to restore his reputation as a Savior for All Hurricane Victims, so he went to heavily flooded areas of Connecticut, ready to help out.  He was seen wearing what appeared to be a white flak jacket.

Penn then got busy stacking up sand bags.  Unfortunately, he was  a day late with the sand bags.  When local authorities tried to get Penn to stop, Penn said, “I’m going to f*&*ing put these f*&*ing sand bag up, now leave me the f*&k alone.”

Penn invited his friend Hugo Chavez to Connecticut to help him with his Hurricane Relief effort, but Chavez is undergoing chemotherapy and couldn’t make it.

Did Penn make a difference?

Local resident, Daniel Towder, of South Norwalk, said that Penn did manage to save a tow kittens from a flooded house on Marshall Avenue.  Unfortunately, when Penn was offloading the kittens he accidentally dropped a forty pound camera on them…and that was that.

Penn promised to stay in Connecticut “until every last victim is out of the Superdome!”

New Orleans citizens said that they were happy to know that Penn was busy in Connecticut.

GREENWICH, CT – Harlem Globetrotters 4-point shot shadowed by announcement of name change and move.

The Harlem Globetrotters recently announced that the team will be relocating to Greenwich, CT. The move is a result of the fact that the team was sold to Thurston Billingsly IV of Greenwich, CT.

Shamrock Capital Growth Fund sold its 80% share of the team for staggering $33.2 million making Mr. Billingsly the majority shareholder. The globetrotters will continue to display their entertaining moves in venues throughout the world. The only change to the franchise is that the team will be dropping “Harlem” from its name and will now be referred to as the Greenwich Globetrotters or G².

“Not only did I feel that the name should reflect the new location but in today’s day and age every enterprise can use a face lift, just like my forth ex-wife, Gloria. G² is just the thing that the Globetrotters need to give them that 21st century edge,” explained Billingsly.

This news comes just as the Globetrotters announced that they would premier their new show stopper at the Van Andel Arena in Grand Rapids, MI, this Sunday; the Four-Point Shot! The new 4-point shot is made 35 feet from the basket, or 4 yards behind the 3-point line. The new shot can only be made from two midcourt areas.

“At the end of every quarter with three minutes left, there will be a sound that goes off, which means the 4-point shot is now activated,” explained the Globetrotters’ resident slam dunker, Brent “Thunder” Petway, “And either team can shoot from the 4-pointer, which can mean if you’re up already, you can blow the game away. Or if you’re down, you can come back that much faster, so it’s pretty cool.”

The fans were excited to hear about the new awe inspiring antics but outraged over the location and name change.

“They ain’t the Globetrotters if they [are] not in Harlem,” said Leroy Williams, Harlem native, “that sh*t ain’t right!”

The players are taking the news well, all things considered.

“With all of the gentrification that has taken place over the past few decades in Harlem, Greenwich is really not all that much different now,” said one of the players who wished to remain anonymous, “plus most of us live there anyway so it will make the commute as easy as a three-pointer from mid-court.”

In other related news, two of the now Greenwich Globetrotters will be competing in the new season of the CBS show, The Amazing Race.  Nathaniel “Big Easy” Lofton and Herbert “Flight Time” Lang will both appear on the show which primers February 20 at 8pm. Both declined to comment on the sale and move of the team but said that they were excited about making some 4-pointers.

NEW YORK – Weekly World News is proud to announce 2010′s Nurse of the Year.

Bat Boy handed out the 2010 Nurse of the Year Award last night in a cave in West Virginia.

This year’s winner:  Betty Lichtenstein, 57 of Danbury, Connecticut.

Betty held a dinner for herself honoring herself as “Nurse of the Year”  but was convicted of fraud and will spend nine months in prison for practicing nursing without a license.

Betty was stripped of her Nurse of the Year Award.

But WWN is giving it back to her.   For believing in herself, for making others believe in her, for trying to do good in a world that is often bad and for being put in jail by a state that has serious healthcare issues, WWN awards Betty Lichenstein the 2010 Nurse of the Year Award.

Bravo, Betty!

Betty was working for Dr. Frank Welch, when Welch complained to the Connecticut Department of Health that Lichtenstein had acted in an unprofessional manner.  An investigation found that Lichtenstein was never licensed to practice nursing.  Never mind that Dr. Welch was found guilty of fondling several of his female patients the year before, is addicted to Vicodin and likes to kick dogs – he didn’t like the way Betty acted in his office and he wanted her out.

What did she do?

During her employment, Lichtenstein injected patients with medicine, wrote prescriptions and gave medical advice to Weiss’ patients, according to prosecutors.  Patients, however, said that Betty helped them much more than Dr. Welch.  Was Dr. Welch jealous of her?  You bet.

Welch and his staff believed Lichtenstein was a registered nurse partly thanks to a “Nurse of the Year” award given to her at a November 2010 dinner hosted by the Connecticut Nursing Association.

Now Betty is behind bars.  But she’s behind bars with a Bat Boy Bobblehead.

Congratulations, Nurse Betty!

P.S.   Betty, there’s a file in that Bobblehead!

STAMFORD, CT – Travis the chimp was shot dead after brutally attacking a human, and now his family is seeking comfort and advice from the world’s only PhD Ape.

Travis, the chimpanzee, resided in a suburban home in Connecticut with his owner. Loved by local residents and usually well-behaved, the city was shocked to hear that Travis went berserk and viciously mauled a human. The owner attempted to save her friend by stabbing the chimp with a kitchen knife, but it took local cops shooting Travis to finally stop him.

Travis’ family are grief stricken, and have turned to PhD Ape, therapist to the stars and primate family counselor. He was so incensed by the event that he hosted an emergency TV special this morning on human-primate violence.

“Travis was a beloved son, brother and friend,” said PhD Ape to the audience. “To think that such a bright and happy chimp had his life end so horribly is devastating. How did this happen? Was it completely his fault? Today, we are here to honor Travis’ life by exploring the reality of when human and primate worlds collide.”

The program featured experts from across the board, including  zoo keepers, movie stunt chimps, Travis’  family and primate rights activists. Rocky, head of the NERFP, or New England chapter of Rights for Primates, stated, “Can we totally absolve Travis of his attack? Certainly not. We feel for the human who was attacked; she did not bring this on herself. But, what conditions was Travis kept in? What happened to make him react so violently to a passive woman? That is not inherent in our nature!”

PhD Ape nodded in agreement, and moved to conclude the show. “These are definitely questions that need answering. I am concerned on how the press is presenting our poor Travis. But in the days ahead, my fellow primates, we must not not continue the cycle of violence! I advise anyone out there who wishes to make a statement to do so in a peaceful, mindful manner. We can make our message heard.”

Bonobos have already begun arranging a peaceful protest outside of Stamford’s city hall. It is expected that at least 1,000 chimpanzees, monkeys and apes will descend upon the town to grieve together. They have been warned not to throw banana peels at passing cops.

HARTFORD, CT – Weekly World News investigators have discovered that Ann Coulter may actually be a man. The Connecticut Elections Enforcement Commission is currently making a “thorough investigation” on whether Coulter committed fraud by registering in the Nutmeg State as a woman.

WWN investigators were tipped off by Coulterwatch.com blogger Stan Butcherson.  Coulter has accused Butcherson of being “crazy” and “a stalker” who is “out to destroy” her. Butcherson said “No, I just saw her in a parking lot once.  She was buying nachos, and she had a huge Adam’s apple.”

Butcherson’s observation has instigated an investigation which may lead to criminal charges against the popular commentator.

The Weekly World News has uncovered the birth certificate of an Anthony B. Coulter, born December 8, 1961.  Before enrolling in Cornell University, there are no records of Ann Coulter in her hometown of New Canaan, CT.  However several teachers in the area remember a skinny young boy who would turn in papers citing himself as an academic source.

It is suspected that Anthony realized he wanted to live life as a woman while attending his first Grateful Dead concert in the summer before beginning college.  Coulter continues to be an avid Grateful Dead fan, and their concerts are the only time strangers are permitted to look her directly in the eye.

Most recently Coulter has appeared on Fox News to criticize President Obama’s stimulus package as an economic expert, despite having no economics credentials whatsoever.

Connecticut officials are expected to make a ruling on the fraud accusations within the week.

Whether the GOP will reject her status as Arch-Bishop of Conservativism for being transgendered has yet to be seen.

STAMFORD, CT – Tonya, the World’s Fattest Cat, debuted a new entrée just in time for Thanksgiving. Tonya co-hosted the Martha Stewart Thanksgiving Special with the world-renowned homemaker and chef earlier this week, and made a culinary surprise.

Turbaconducken, the next stage in entrée meat fusion, combines the Thanksgiving favorite turducken with delicious bacon.  Turducken, a chicken stuffed into a duck stuffed into a turkey is then wrapped entirely in bacon.

“Up until yesterday, I thought turducken was the perfect Thanksgiving entrée,” Stewart said during the program.  “It just goes to show that even after being a homemaker for over 50 years, a fat cat can still teach this old dog new tricks.”

Samples of the turbaconducken were a huge success with the audience members in attendance at the taping, although there was not much to go around.

Shortly after the turbaconducken came out of the oven, Tonya became noticeably agitated and excited.

“She began purring incessantly and rubbed her face against the counter top,” Producer Jason Grefth said.  “Before Martha could react and save the turbaconducken, Tonya unhinged her jaw and swallowed the 40 pound entrée whole.”

Producers managed to pull a bacon-covered leg from Tonya’s mouth before she had a chance to swallow.

Audience members fought over pieces of the drool-glazed, bacon encrusted leg.

NEW HAVEN, CT – The Chaos Cloud settled over New Haven City Hall yesterday in preparation for the start of official gay marriages.

Barbara and Robin Levine-Ritterman, one of the eight couples who successfully sued the state to allow same-sex marriage, received the first marriage license Wednesday morning. However, their photos may come out a little dark as the Chaos Cloud was hovering right above them.

Like some experts, the couple believes the Cloud is there to ward off potential anti-gay marriage demonstrators. “We don’t think the Cloud feels either way about same-sex marriages. We just think he’s here to keep the peace, so to speak,” said Barbara.

STAMFORD, CT – In the midst of helping John McCain grieve, PhD Ape took a red-eye flight Monday night to be with Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman.

Lieberman, an Independent who caucuses with Senate Democrats, met with Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid of Nevada last week to discuss the status of Lieberman’s two committee chairmanships.  It is widely believed that Lieberman will be stripped of those chairmanships as punishment for endorsing John McCain and campaigning aggressively against now President-Elect Barack Obama.

“Joe made a very difficult choice,” PhD Ape said in a prepared statement before boarding his plane.  “He caucuses with the Democrats in the Senate, but the people of Connecticut elected him as an Independent.  Joe loves the Senate and cherishes his leadership roles on two very important committees.  This is a very difficult time for him.”

PhD Ape is expected to spend the next few weeks shuttling between Connecticut and Arizona as he counsels Lieberman and McCain.

Asked if he thought he would be spending any time in Washington DC or Texas with lame-duck President Bush, PhD Ape replied, “I don’t think so.  I have a feeling President Bush doesn’t have any mixed feelings about leaving Washington behind and returning to a quieter life in Texas.”