Older U.S. beer enthusiasts may soon find themselves in handcuffs.

While alcohol laws have traditionally targeted age limits for younger residents, officials are currently looking at a cap of 60 years old for legal alcohol purchases. Lawmakers cite a number of reasons for the proposal, ranging from health concerns to road safety.

“All medical professionals agree that alcohol makes the health of the elderly much worse,” said one Washington insider. “And as most DUI cases involve more grandmothers than 20-somethings, it was kind of a no-brainer. We’re all surprised this hasn’t come up before.”

New studies suggest a clear benefit from putting the cap on the drinking age. Though this first law would mostly affect the purchase of alcohol, states are expected to follow suit in their limits on home consumption. Traditionally, laws have differed state-to-state in regard to late-teens to 20-year-olds having an alcoholic beverage at home with family members. Now, the key to the liquor cabinet will have to be hidden from grandpa.

While many politicians that would be affected by the law have come out with support, Washington outsiders in their 60s and 70s feel otherwise.

“This is an outrage,” said Hoppy Milton, a 73-year-old retired pharmacist from Michigan. “It doesn’t hurt anyone for me to have a whiskey every now and then. This is exactly the kind of freedoms the government will continue to take from us if we don’t stand up to them.”

There is currently no indication when lawmakers will actually take up the drinking age cap. If no moves are made before fall, the issue is expected to take center stage during the 2012 presidential election. The Obama administration has made no official statement concerning alcohol age limits.

On Monday March 12, 2012, Congress is reportedly beginning impeachment proceedings against Barack Obama.

Members of Congress are reportedly beginning impeachment against Barack Obama based on the grounds of unauthorized military use in Libya and perhaps Syria.

According to Congressional representatives Barack Obama has violated the rules set that clearly state that the President must seek Congressional approval before using military force.  Now he says it was OK because he had international support.  But how does that make it okay?  They aren’t our Congress.  They don’t determine what is right or wrong for us.

Sources close to aides in Congress say the law clearly states “any use of military force by Obama without explicit consent and authorization of Congress constitutes an impeachable high crime and misdemeanor under article II, Section 4 of the Constitution.”

The Republicans want to know how President Obama was able to use military force in Libya last year.

Republicans are pushing a resolution through Congress, which has been highly underreported by mainstream media, to look into further actions to be taken upon the President.  Since it explicitly states in the Constitution that the President must ask permission from Congress to use military forces in another country, sources say there is clear cause fol impeachment.

While an impeachment can be a strain on our country and may not be necessary in an election year – Republicans are still moving ahead with it.

“The days of Czars and Executive orders in order to sidestep Congress should end and if it takes an impeachment to do that it is something I and many other Americans would support,” said a prominent Republican Congressman.

“We have a President who believes our Constitution is just a ‘historical document’ that is not fit to determine how our country is ran anymore,” said the Congressman.

 Democrats, obviously, are opposing the impeachment effort by sources close to Republican leaders say that they are “moving full speed ahead” because “we need something to keep us busy until the election.”

Stay tuned…

A global network of powerful witches and Satanists hold the fate of the world in their hands – warns a terrorism expert.

Sorcerers, all of them practiced in the black arts, are present in every nation on Earth.  They usually keep in close touch by cell phone and now – by text.  And they are plotting to – takeover the world.

“Their aim is, quite simply, to pave the way for the arrival of their master, known in the Bible as the Beast whose number is 666,” says writer Tim Blish, the world’s top Wiccan researcher.  ”In other words, Satan, the Antichrist.

“They’re working hard for world domination, so the Antichrist will easily ascend to power.  And the horrifying thing is that they will likely be successful.”

Blish first stumbled onto the demonic plot quite by accident.

“One day 10 years ago, I happened to be in a restaurant when a man seated at a table right next to mine suddenly cried out and keeled over from a heart attack. I performed CPR on him and he whispered in my ear, saying “Stop them… You’ve got to stomp them.”  I asked what he meant and he said, “The Children… The Children of the Kingdom… That’s what they call themselves.” And with that, he died.”

Frightened, but intrigued, Blish began doing research and consulting with experts, but it wasn’t until three years later that he finally found someone who could shed some light on the mysterious organization.

I eventually found a man named Alfonso Fisk who had written a couple of books on cults.  He tole me that the Children of the Kingdom was a very underground group, yet very widespread.  He knew they were Satan worshippers and were aspiring to political power.  e said they were extremely dangerous and if I wanted to say healthy I’d just forget I’d ever heard of them.  Fisk subsequently disappeared without a trace.”

Now determined to learn more, Blish eventually managed to identify an old union hall in New York as a probably front for the Children.  He hired a private detective to wire the place, and soon he was listening to tapes that chilled him to the bone.

“They were reporting on progress they had made in placing various Children into positions of power in both local and federal government.  Some of the names they mentioned were quite well-known.

“They are well-coordinated with other chapters of their group around the world.  All they’re waiting for now is to get their candidate into the White house and Congress in 2012 and 2016. (They actually already have a number of members currently in Congress).

“I can’t say who the witches are at this moment, but they are all famous politicians.  The president and the leaders they’ve set up around the globe will cede all power to the United Nations. We’ll have a one-world government, headed-up by the Antichrist.”

The witches are thrilled because just the other day they succeeded in getting Vladamir Putin back into office.

“The witches plan is to force everyone in the world to have a microchip implanted in this forehead or hand – the famous Mark of the Beast as mentioned in Revelation.  Without this microchip, no one will able to buy or sell anything. The chip essentially stamps the person who receives it as property of Satan.  Once this occurs, the battle of Armageddon will be just around the corner.”

Blish is currently putting the finishing touches on his book, An Overwhelming Darkness, in which he says he will lay bare the entire conspiracy and name names.

“I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t damn nervous these days,” says the author.

“I’m constantly looking over my shoulder and getting very little sleep.

“But the world must know that truth.”

Witchcraft means “Craft of the Wise Ones” and is also Known of the “Old Religion.”

The pentagram is the symbol of the religion. The top point symbolizes spirit being above, or ruling, the four elements of life – air, fire, water and earth – which are the four lower points.

Witchcraft is a legal religion – known as Wiccan.

A male witch is not a warlock.  This is a Scottish term, meaning “traitor” or “oathbreaker.”  A male witch is simply called a witch.

WASHINGTON, DC -  Rep. Barney Frank revealed to Congress today that he had breast augmentation surgery.

Outgoing Rep. Barney Frank (D-Mass.) made an impassioned speech to Congress today.  He spoke on behalf of men across America who want bigger breasts but fear that they will be ridiculed by other men (and some women) for having larger and fuller breasts.

Dressed in a snug, light blue crew neck shirt with a jacket draped over his shoulders, Frank stood at the podium to deliver a speech that some have compared to Martin Luther King Jr.’s “I Have A Dream” speech.  Barney wants to erase bigotry and hatred that a large segment of the American public feel towards men who want big breasts.

Here’s Barney with his new breasts – thought he had more silicone pumped into them after this picture was taken.

And here’s Barney Frank BEFORE his breast implants:

See the difference:

Frank recently announced that he is retiring from Congress.  In his speech, he said he always wanted bigger breasts, but did not want his breasts to be a focus of attention when he was the head of the Banking Committee.  But NOW, he wants the attention.  “I want everyone to see me and my new breasts.  I’m  much happier now, and some might find it strange, but I feel more like a man now.

Here’s Barney’s friend, Fred Wilcox:

Fred got breast implants last year and convinced Barney to go ahead a do what he always has wanted to d0 – have a set of 35DDs.

Barney was mesmerized when he first saw Fred:

NEW YORK, NY – Chelsea Clinton is running for Congress in 2012 – as a Republican!

Clinton has hired key political advisers to make a run for Congress next year.  Her father, former President Bill Clinton, offered his services, but Chelsea declined.  Reports are that she told her father that she told him she was a Republican.

Chelsea Clinton, 31, is the only child of former U.S. President Bill Clinton and U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Sources say that Chelsea has been a closet Republican for years and is a strong supporter of Herman Cain for President.  Her father, and mother Hillary, were shocked (and disgusted) to learn that their daughter was a member  of the GOP.   “We thought we raised her right, we thought we knew her,” Hillary Clinton reportedly said.

Chelsea, who currently resides with her husband, Marc Mezvinsky in Westchester county will run in New York’s 18th District . The 18th encompasses much of Westchester County, just south of where her parents have maintained a home for the past 12 years.

The 18th District is solidly Democratic. Barack Obama won the district in 2008 by 62% to 38%, John Kerry won in 2004 by 58% to 42%. Al Gore won the district 58% to 39%.  But Chelsea believes she can turn it from blue to red – in short order.

Political insiders say that Chelsea Clinton is an “automatic win” for Republicans in 2012.  The house seat from the New York 18th District is currently held by U.S. Representative Nita M. Lowey (D-NY). She will be 74 next year and is retiring from Congress in 2012.  Chelsea campaign manager, Karl Rove, told WWN that he believes Chelsea will get 70-80% of the vote.

Will Hillary and Bill campaign against their daughter?  Reports are that Bill Clinton has said that he would never support any Republican – including his daughter.  “I know how to defeat her, she’s my daughter,” the President reportedly told Pravda.

Chelsea ;sin-laws, Marc Mezvinsky’s parents both served in Congress. Edward Mezvinsky was a Democratic Congressman from Iowa. Marjorie Margolies-Mezvinsky was a Democratic Congresswoman from Pennsylvania.  They are both reportedly “devastated” that their daughter-in-law is running as a Republican, but they are supporting her anyway.  “We want her to be happy.”

WASHINGTON – The U.S. Post Office is bankrupt and will be closing for good on December 3, 2001.

The United States Postal Service is so low on cash that it won’t be able to make a $5.5 billion payment due this month and will, therefore, have to shut down.

The last day of mail delivery will be Saturday, December 3rd, 2011.  “There’s no way we can handle the holiday rush this year, we can barely handle a normal delivery day,” said a Post Office insider.

The Obama Administration feel that the shut down will save money and they do not feel that Americans will miss their mail.  “Most Americans get everything they need in email.  And most Americans only get bills in the mail.  So if we cut out the post office, we will save Americans on bills,” said White House Press Secretary, Jay Carney.

 The postmaster general, Patrick R. Donahoe, said in an interview with WWN.  “Americans don’t need any more catalogues.  We could ask Congress to bail us out, but what’s the point.  We had a good run.”

Recently, Mr. Donahoe was pushing for eliminating Saturday mail delivery, closing up to 3,700 postal locations and laying off 120,000 workers — nearly one-fifth of the agency’s work force — despite a no-layoffs clause in the unions’ contracts.

But, Donahoe feels closing up the whole Post Office system is better. “We should let the private sector handle the mail.  They do a better job anyway.”

Missing the $5.5 billion payment due on Sept. 30, intended to finance retirees’ future health care, won’t cause immediate disaster. But sometime early next year, the agency will run out of money to pay its employees and gas up its trucks, officials warn, forcing it to stop delivering the roughly three billion pieces of mail it handles weekly.

Mail volume has plummeted with the rise of e-mail, electronic bill-paying and a Web that makes everything from fashion catalogs to news instantly available. The system will handle an estimated 167 billion pieces of mail this fiscal year, down 22 percent from five years ago.

It’s difficult to imagine that trend reversing, so better to “chop the chicken’s head off now,” said Donahoe.

Ben Franklin is rolling over in his grave…

George Soros made a stunning announcement:  he is leaving the Democrat Party and joining the GOP!

Bloomberg reported the news regarding George Soros: he’s quitting the Democrats.

The outlet says that the liberal billionaire financier is dissolving the non-family aspect of his hedge fund that put him on the monetary map.

“He’s done funding the Democrats.  He’s see the light and know thinks that Republicans have a far better economic strategy for the country… and the world.”

Soros is said to be “disgusted” with the debt talks and “very angry” with President Obama about the way he has handled the economy.

David Mamet, who recently wrote about his conversion from a liberal to a conservative in his book “A Secret Knowledge” was the catalyst.

“David met with Soros on the weekend and convinced George that his liberal ideas were ‘insane,’” said Soros insider Vladka Junga.

Junga also said that Soros no longer believes in Climate Change and is divesting himself from all funding of liberal causes including Media Matters.

“George wants to dedicate his Open Society now to promoting the Tea Party agenda.”

Soros is expected at a major Tea Party rally in St. Louis this weekend.  He will be the guest of conservative superstar, Dana Loesch.

The billionaire best known for breaking the Bank of England, is returning money to outside investors in his $25.5 billion firm is ending a career as hedge-fund manager that spanned more than four decades and joining the GOP – full-time.

“He wants to dedicate himself to getting the Republicans back into the White House and to make sure that the Supreme Court retains its conservative advantage” said Soros associate, Marco Ludmilla.

Arianna Huffington, a good friend of Soros, is upset that Soros is leaving “the casue” but said that she would carry on with her far left agenda.

“George and I are dear friends and if he wants to be a Republican now, then I support him in his decision, but will do everything in my power to bring him down!”

Soros, who turns 81 next month, plans on donating over $1 billion to the GOP.  His favorite candidate for President:  Chris Christie.

WASHINGTON, DC – Budget crisis causes U.S. to turn to the alien, P’Lod, for financial aid.

The United States government will face a catastrophic event of historic proportions, if Congress cannot resolve the budget crisis. Current funding is scheduled to run dry on March 4 of this year and if a temporary spending bill is not put into place beforehand, the system of government that the citizens of the United States have grown accustom to will end, permanently.

Republicans have proposed $60 billion in federal spending cuts in order to keep the U.S. government out of the red and avoid a permanent shutdown. And although the house is now under Republican control, there are still concerns that members of Congress will be unable to put aside partisan principles and band together to save the United States from immanent doom.

As a safety net, some members of the Congress have called upon P’Lod, the alien who backed Barack Obama in the 2008 elections in hopes to find a way to the bring the United States budget under control.

Current Republican planned cuts include blocking federal funding to Planned Parenthood and baring the Pentagon from using tax dollars to sponsor NASCAR race teams.  P’Lod does not have issue with reducing funding to Planned Parenthood but he will not stand for cuts to NASCAR.  P’Lod really loves his NASCAR.

P’Lod has offered to take President Obama up on his offer for the White House, agreeing to pay the full asking price plus closing costs, as a sign of his commitment to aid the U.S. in these trying times.

“P’Lod has always enjoyed his visits to the White House,” said a top White House aide, “He’s really going to enjoy it here, especially the West Wing.”

Based on the great deal of influence that P’Lod had during the 2008 elections; many conspiracy theorists worry that this purchase is all but a tactical maneuver by P’Lod in order to help him to gain complete control of the U.S. and ultimately the world.

“There are tons of government secrets locked up in the White House, many of which the U.S. government does not even know about,” explained John McElroy, top conspiracy theorist and movie buff, “I’ve seen National Treasure and National Treasure: Book of Secrets. If we let P’Lod get a hold of that information there is no telling what powers and riches he will uncover.”

WASHINGTON -  A phenomenon known as natural decrease is becoming a pseudo pandemic within the U.S.

Natural decrease is when a region experiences more deaths than births causing the population to slowly decline. Currently, 1 in 4 U.S. counties is experiencing this phenomenon and the number of counties affected is rising at an alarming rate. If measures are not taken soon, the United States of America will simply cease to exist.

A report on this topic by Kenneth Johnson, a sociology professor and demographer at the University of New Hampshire’s Carsey Institute, was recently brought to the attention of Congress. The report cited that extreme actions are required to combat this widespread happening. In addition, it stated that if no action is taken, the economic crisis that the U.S. is currently facing will exponentially amplify causing the nation to become an impoverished war-torn state where adults kill babies for food, further worsening the situation.

Congress determined that the best way to combat natural decrease is to enforce a 21^st century baby boom on all U.S. citizens. In order to create the new boom, Congress has put forth a bill that will ban the sale and use of any contraception in the U.S. until 2024. Some forms of banned contraception included in the bill are: condoms, RU486 (the morning after pill), oral contraceptive birth control (the pill), diaphragms, IUD (intrauterine devices), and early withdrawal. It is still unclear exactly how Congress plans to enforce the ban on the last method.

The logic behind the bill is rooted in the basic principle that the more people who you have in a workforce the more tax revenue you will generate.

Talk of a nation burdened with years of sleepless nights and the landfills overflowing with dirty diapers and forgotten toys was rampant on the floor of the House last week. But in the end, everyone, for once, agreed that this bill would not only help the struggling economy but also resolve concerns that Medicaid and Medicare would run dry.

Advocates of the pornography industry are infuriated by the news sending the industry into a frenzy making plans to leave the U.S. to set up new studios in Canada and Mexico.

“If this bill passes there is now way that we can continue to film in the U.S. unless we allow all of our stars to become pregnant and that just will not do. We are not all into making preggo films,” stated a top executive from the industry, “Not to mention that without the money shot, all of our films will tank.”

Due to the controversial nature of the bill, it will be included on the 2012 ballot allowing U.S. citizens to vote this bill into law. In the mean time cast your vote .

WASHINGTON – President Obama rallies America in his State of the Union Address.

President Obama gave a riveting State of the Union address this evening.  Much of the President’s focus was on the economy and job creation. He referenced many hard working Americans and created a pep rally of sorts in an attempt to energize the American people.

With the American economy growing at a sluggish rate and job development still less than anticipated, the President asked Congress and the American people to consider how they can “win the future”, referencing America’s originality and innovation throughout history.

Some Republican Senators took this the wrong way and immediately took out their Blackberries and iPhones and began making wagers at Poker.com.  While others tried to outsource their wager making to the interns in the back of the room, completely missing the mark on the President’s reference.

Continuing on the topic of the economy, the President referenced a need to reduce the deficit. He proposed a five-year freeze in discretionary spending and tens of billions of dollars in defense cuts. However, he promised that Social Security would be left alone until somebody could come up with a better solution.

It was noticed by several attendees and members of Congress that during the speech Timothy Geithner made a quick note to himself writing “buy Casio calculator watches for all of Treasury department… no reason for anyone to have discrepancies…yes!”

President Obama also spoke to the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, insuring the American public that “no American will be forbidden from serving the country they love because of who they love”. This incited a rousing standing ovation from virtually everyone with the exception of three generals seated promptly in the front row, none of which stood nor clapped in response to the President’s remarks.

When the generals were asked after the speech why they chose not to stand or clap, the generals cited “old war injuries and bad knees”. As the generals were hurried off by their aides to avoid further questioning, the words “Fruit Loops” were heard from afar.

In Republican Senator Paul Ryan’s response to the speech he referenced the speedy recovery of Senator Giffords, the crushing debt that the country is enduring and that the next generation will inherit a stagnate economy but did not make any reference to online gambling, Casio calculator watches or Fruit Loops.