WASHINGTON, DC – The government has been forced to pull back on defense spending.  Secretary of Defense Robert Gates is pulling funding on F22 and Area 51, which is expected to close within the month.  At a press conference on Monday Robert Gates announced his new plan to shift resources from costly weapons systems to the ground campaigns in Iraq and Afghanistan

Area 51 is a top secret government installation in southern Nevada.  It first gained recognition as a secret government testing site in the 1950’s.  Since then it is believed to be where the government tests new and alien technologies.  Most of the new and alien technology Secretary Gates is cutting is expected to be in Area 51.

According to moles within the Pentagon and several anonymous sources reporters met while drinking in the area, weapons being developed by the government may include:

Aging Ray –   Special frequency microwave emitters which dissolve collagen in
the skin causing victims to instantly appear much older.

LactoPack –   A wearable cheese powered propulsion system.  Small, collapsible, but it only ran on expensive imported cheeses.

Gill Men –      Special volunteers from within the US Navy’s seal teams had gills and fins surgically attached to their bodies to aid in tactical maneuverability.  Unfortunately after the 15 million dollar process they would forget their assignments and play with inflatable balls.

H4 Prime –     Derived from alien technology this was a Hummer 4 series that could turn into a large anthropomorphic robot.  Once it was made self-aware however the robot proved to be self absorbed and irresponsible and cost far more than it was worth.  Efforts have been made to sell the H4 Prime to the Japanese, but currently it refuses to leave its room.

Secretary of Defense Gates insists that programs like these are an unnecessary drain on the military budget, and is pulling the plug on all similar research.

Area 51, we here at the Weekly World News wish you a fond farewell.  Thanks for the memories.

NEW YORK, NY – Times are tough. The economy is tanking.  And some sports leagues, teams, and stadiums have imposed a ticket price freeze. Don’t kid yourself.  That trickles down to the athletes.  These guys aren’t making only small fortunes now.

So why are they not sharing in the federal bailout?   These guys are American too you know*.
*Except half the NHL is from Canada and Europe, and 30% of baseball is Latin**.
**Stop splitting hairs, you ‘America should look out for America only’ bigots.  Your hatred is ugly.

Did you know Stephon Marbury only makes 21.9MM??!!  That’s only $10.5 million after taxes, agent fees, posse maintenance, and excessive partying.  That $28,000 per diem has to sustain him for a whole 12 months!  That has to be his walkaround money for the year.  That’s unacceptable.

Instead of charities, public works, and infratstructure, can we please get our priorities right? The rumor out of the Bronx is that the New Yankee stadium nachos have only 2 kinds of cheese options, due to budgetary constraints.  Yeah, like having a 3rd grade art class is more important than that?

You ignore this countries greatest cross-section, you make them tighten their belt, and you watch how fast we become a 3rd world sports power.

How is a marginal athlete expected to finance his HGH habit?  How is a NFL’er expected to make it reign?  How is any NBA player expected to knock up groupies? If each of them does not have the proper capital to blow foolishly.

Come on, Congress. These guys are just like us (on roids), work almost as hard (for about half the year) as your typical factory worker, and have the same concerns as everyday Americans (who have won the lottery).  They board private jets just like the rest of us (would).

Stop ignoring their needs, and let us help them.  It’s the right thing to do.

DETROIT, MI – After announcing new “self-parking” cars, reports have emerged about the source of the revolutionary technology – goblins!

Unnamed sources from within the Ford Motor Corporation have leaked internal memos revealing details of the “self-parking” technology that will be featured in all top-of-the-line models of Ford automobiles starting in 2009.

The memos state that each car will employ two or four goblin technicians, depending on the size of the engine.  The goblins actually work under the hood of the car and take control of the car once the driver puts it into “park mode.”

Executives and spokesmen for the Ford Motor Corp. have refused to comment or return calls for a statement.

Members of the United States Congress however, have been making quite a fuss over the story and many are not amused by the concept of goblins working on the hoods of American cars.

“We spent many long days working on a bailout for the auto industry,” Republican Senator Sam Brownback of Kansas said.  “I don’t like the idea of American tax dollars going to Goblins!  That was not part of the agreement.”

“If they need small people in the engines to self-park the car, then find a small American!  We’ll breed Americans smaller and smarter and bring automotive jobs back to Americans!”

WASHINGTON, DC – Santa Claus has requested a $14 million federal bailout to avoid a crash which could cancel Christmas.

The struggling world economy and increased costs of reindeer feed are cited as reasons why the North Pole is facing its first ever budget crisis.  Santa Claus spoke before Congress this week, requesting a portion of the $700 billion federal bailout fund to make sure Christmas can go ahead as usual.

Some representatives are highly critical of the request.  Jim DeMint (R. S.C) said, “Their business model brings in no income, they just give everything away.  I’m amazed they got this far.”

Mr. Claus spoke before Congress delivering an impassioned plea on behalf of the threatened holiday, asking for a $14 million loan to keep the North Pole afloat through the rest of the season.  He closed by saying “I will pay it back just as quick as I can, cross my heart and hope to diet”, leading the thoroughly charmed Congress in a brief chuckle.

Elf Unions are believed to be the cause of a hold up on a final deal.

Critics say that the United Elvin Workers are responsible for the North Pole’s collapse, demanding lavish wages for its workers.  However, research shows that the average elf gladly works 16 hours a day in exchange for food and shelter.  The last formal complaint made by the union requested five-minute song breaks every hour, extra tinsel allowances and improved handicapped bathroom access.

Congress is expected to hold a special session to iron out details and avoid a holiday crisis.

When asked if he would be using confidential information from his “Naughty List” to sway his opponents, Mr. Claus said “Right now all options are on the table.” Senator Norm Coleman squirmed in his seat.

MARTINSVILLE, IL. – Bigfoot must be placed on Endangered Species List, and activists lay blame on Sarah Palin!

Wildlife photographer Brett Sullivan is attempting to protect the elusive beast from hardhearted humans – by persuading Congress to declare Bigfoot an endangered species.

“There are a lot of nuts out there who would shoot Bigfoot in a minute, just to show they could,” said the 66-year-old Martinsville nature lover and newspaperman.  “And Governor Palin has only encouraged them!”

This is in reference to the now infamous aerial shooting of a Bigfoot by Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin. The GOP celebrated it as just another example of her gumption, but both wildlife and mutant activists felt it was an irresponsible act.

Sullivan explained, “We now need to convince not only the government but all American citizens to give these creatures the same kind of protection we give other species on the verge of extinction.

“When Governor Palin is taking down Bigfoots left and right, wearing a designer baby bjorn and posing with the bodies for photo ops, it completely glorifies the horrific event. In my opinion, she is the leader in their ultimate demise and must be stopped!”

Officials in several Northwestern states have already enacted laws making it illegal to harm these gentle giants. But Sullivan says adopting legislation state by state is too slow, so he’s asking Congress to place Bigfoot on the nation’s Endangered Species List, alongside the spotted owl, the Florida panther and the Coho salmon.

“When you look into the eyes of one of these creatures and see how bright they are, and then look into Sarah Palin’s eyes, well… Frankly, there’s no competition,” he said. “I think I know which creature is more important for the future of this country, and it does not wear rimless glasses.”

Washington, DC – The nation’s undead community is demanding the right to health insurance—and it is a battle it can win, say experts.

“We can’t issue health insurance to people who are technically not alive,” says one insurance industry spokesman. “But there is a possibility that we can provide undead plans, especially if the insured are nonsmokers.”

However, the government is firmly against the move.

A Capitol Hill insider says when insurance for vampires, werewolves and other undead species was mentioned to President Bush, he said it was “like a stake through his heart,” especially with Democratic members of Congress calling for the establishment of a Department of Undead Affairs.

“Aren’t the undead susceptible to their own weaknesses, like garlic and holy water?” asks one Democratic congresswoman. “Surely they have a right to insurance like everyone else.”

Both presidential candidates have been asked for their opinion on undead health insurance at recent rallies. Senator Obama responded, “I would be more than happy to discuss undead coverage in the future, once we’ve sorted out the living first.”

Senator McCain was less supportive. “When I become President, I am seriously considering putting a spending freeze on everything except defense and the caring of our veterans. Undead insurance is not exactly at the top of my list,” he snickered.

Vampire spokesman Anton Dreisch told Weekly World News: “I believe President Bush and Senator McCain have declared war on vampires and other members of the undead because they don’t think we’re part of their constituency. A number of us are Republicans. It’s not like we died and came back to life with different politics. That would be absurd!”

“Big Washington needs to think really hard about what they’re getting themselves into if we are denied. We literally have all the time in the world to fight for this.”

JUNEAU, AK – Sources inside the Alaska State Legislature confirm today that Governor Sarah Palin’s earmark pet project, the “Bridge to Nowhere” was partially funded by Alien Investors.

While construction of the bridge was halted after Governor Palin famously told Congress, “Thanks but no thanks!” a lesser-known “Road to Nowhere” was built using funds from a Martian investment-banking firm.

The “Road to Nowhere” in fact leads to a delicious, yet invisible to human eyes, Alien-franchised Quizno’s.

Quizno’s spokesman Alan Bremble told reporters, “We are proud to serve interplanetary travelers. There is nothing better to satisfy your hunger after traveling 100 million miles than a delicious oven-toasted sub.”

Experts have long debated why an alien race would engineer the technology for interplanetary travel. Some said it would be for universe-wide domination, enslavement of the human race, resource gathering, or to simply expand their knowledge of the universe. It seems we now know that these experts are wrong.

Bremble explains, “Nowhere in the universe can you get a better sub than Quizno’s”

Reached for comment, Governor Palin told Weekly World News, “Of course we want to build a strong relationship with the aliens. If they can travel through space, don’t ya think they’d be good allies against Russia… Not that we’re planning anything!” she laughed.

Fatfoot and Charlie Rangel were spotted fighting in a Dunkin Donuts in the Washington Heights neighborhood of Manhattan.

Numerous spectators agreed that the pair seemed to be arguing over an uneaten glazed doughnut that was found next to the dumpster out back.

Rangel, currently the chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee for the U.S. House of Representatives, is paying off thousands of dollars in back taxes on real estate he failed to declare.

“This doesn’t suprise me,” stated an anonymous source from the Senate Banking Committee. “Since he started paying off these taxes, he’s been swiping all kinds of stuff from the Representatives kitchen: non-dairy creamer, Splenda packets, even those little plastic stirrers! He must be really hurting for cash.”

Witnesses said Fatfoot won the prized doughnut after Rangel slipped on a discarded eclair, and made off into Fort Tryon Park to stuff his face.