WASHINGTON, DC -  Rep. Barney Frank revealed to Congress today that he had breast augmentation surgery.

Outgoing Rep. Barney Frank (D-Mass.) made an impassioned speech to Congress today.  He spoke on behalf of men across America who want bigger breasts but fear that they will be ridiculed by other men (and some women) for having larger and fuller breasts.

Dressed in a snug, light blue crew neck shirt with a jacket draped over his shoulders, Frank stood at the podium to deliver a speech that some have compared to Martin Luther King Jr.’s “I Have A Dream” speech.  Barney wants to erase bigotry and hatred that a large segment of the American public feel towards men who want big breasts.

Here’s Barney with his new breasts – thought he had more silicone pumped into them after this picture was taken.

And here’s Barney Frank BEFORE his breast implants:

See the difference:

Frank recently announced that he is retiring from Congress.  In his speech, he said he always wanted bigger breasts, but did not want his breasts to be a focus of attention when he was the head of the Banking Committee.  But NOW, he wants the attention.  “I want everyone to see me and my new breasts.  I’m  much happier now, and some might find it strange, but I feel more like a man now.

Here’s Barney’s friend, Fred Wilcox:

Fred got breast implants last year and convinced Barney to go ahead a do what he always has wanted to d0 – have a set of 35DDs.

Barney was mesmerized when he first saw Fred:

NEW YORK, NY – Chelsea Clinton is running for Congress in 2012 – as a Republican!

Clinton has hired key political advisers to make a run for Congress next year.  Her father, former President Bill Clinton, offered his services, but Chelsea declined.  Reports are that she told her father that she told him she was a Republican.

Chelsea Clinton, 31, is the only child of former U.S. President Bill Clinton and U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Sources say that Chelsea has been a closet Republican for years and is a strong supporter of Herman Cain for President.  Her father, and mother Hillary, were shocked (and disgusted) to learn that their daughter was a member  of the GOP.   “We thought we raised her right, we thought we knew her,” Hillary Clinton reportedly said.

Chelsea, who currently resides with her husband, Marc Mezvinsky in Westchester county will run in New York’s 18th District . The 18th encompasses much of Westchester County, just south of where her parents have maintained a home for the past 12 years.

The 18th District is solidly Democratic. Barack Obama won the district in 2008 by 62% to 38%, John Kerry won in 2004 by 58% to 42%. Al Gore won the district 58% to 39%.  But Chelsea believes she can turn it from blue to red – in short order.

Political insiders say that Chelsea Clinton is an “automatic win” for Republicans in 2012.  The house seat from the New York 18th District is currently held by U.S. Representative Nita M. Lowey (D-NY). She will be 74 next year and is retiring from Congress in 2012.  Chelsea campaign manager, Karl Rove, told WWN that he believes Chelsea will get 70-80% of the vote.

Will Hillary and Bill campaign against their daughter?  Reports are that Bill Clinton has said that he would never support any Republican – including his daughter.  “I know how to defeat her, she’s my daughter,” the President reportedly told Pravda.

Chelsea ;sin-laws, Marc Mezvinsky’s parents both served in Congress. Edward Mezvinsky was a Democratic Congressman from Iowa. Marjorie Margolies-Mezvinsky was a Democratic Congresswoman from Pennsylvania.  They are both reportedly “devastated” that their daughter-in-law is running as a Republican, but they are supporting her anyway.  “We want her to be happy.”

WASHINGTON – The U.S. Post Office is bankrupt and will be closing for good on December 3, 2001.

The United States Postal Service is so low on cash that it won’t be able to make a $5.5 billion payment due this month and will, therefore, have to shut down.

The last day of mail delivery will be Saturday, December 3rd, 2011.  “There’s no way we can handle the holiday rush this year, we can barely handle a normal delivery day,” said a Post Office insider.

The Obama Administration feel that the shut down will save money and they do not feel that Americans will miss their mail.  “Most Americans get everything they need in email.  And most Americans only get bills in the mail.  So if we cut out the post office, we will save Americans on bills,” said White House Press Secretary, Jay Carney.

 The postmaster general, Patrick R. Donahoe, said in an interview with WWN.  “Americans don’t need any more catalogues.  We could ask Congress to bail us out, but what’s the point.  We had a good run.”

Recently, Mr. Donahoe was pushing for eliminating Saturday mail delivery, closing up to 3,700 postal locations and laying off 120,000 workers — nearly one-fifth of the agency’s work force — despite a no-layoffs clause in the unions’ contracts.

But, Donahoe feels closing up the whole Post Office system is better. “We should let the private sector handle the mail.  They do a better job anyway.”

Missing the $5.5 billion payment due on Sept. 30, intended to finance retirees’ future health care, won’t cause immediate disaster. But sometime early next year, the agency will run out of money to pay its employees and gas up its trucks, officials warn, forcing it to stop delivering the roughly three billion pieces of mail it handles weekly.

Mail volume has plummeted with the rise of e-mail, electronic bill-paying and a Web that makes everything from fashion catalogs to news instantly available. The system will handle an estimated 167 billion pieces of mail this fiscal year, down 22 percent from five years ago.

It’s difficult to imagine that trend reversing, so better to “chop the chicken’s head off now,” said Donahoe.

Ben Franklin is rolling over in his grave…

George Soros made a stunning announcement:  he is leaving the Democrat Party and joining the GOP!

Bloomberg reported the news regarding George Soros: he’s quitting the Democrats.

The outlet says that the liberal billionaire financier is dissolving the non-family aspect of his hedge fund that put him on the monetary map.

“He’s done funding the Democrats.  He’s see the light and know thinks that Republicans have a far better economic strategy for the country… and the world.”

Soros is said to be “disgusted” with the debt talks and “very angry” with President Obama about the way he has handled the economy.

David Mamet, who recently wrote about his conversion from a liberal to a conservative in his book “A Secret Knowledge” was the catalyst.

“David met with Soros on the weekend and convinced George that his liberal ideas were ‘insane,’” said Soros insider Vladka Junga.

Junga also said that Soros no longer believes in Climate Change and is divesting himself from all funding of liberal causes including Media Matters.

“George wants to dedicate his Open Society now to promoting the Tea Party agenda.”

Soros is expected at a major Tea Party rally in St. Louis this weekend.  He will be the guest of conservative superstar, Dana Loesch.

The billionaire best known for breaking the Bank of England, is returning money to outside investors in his $25.5 billion firm is ending a career as hedge-fund manager that spanned more than four decades and joining the GOP – full-time.

“He wants to dedicate himself to getting the Republicans back into the White House and to make sure that the Supreme Court retains its conservative advantage” said Soros associate, Marco Ludmilla.

Arianna Huffington, a good friend of Soros, is upset that Soros is leaving “the casue” but said that she would carry on with her far left agenda.

“George and I are dear friends and if he wants to be a Republican now, then I support him in his decision, but will do everything in my power to bring him down!”

Soros, who turns 81 next month, plans on donating over $1 billion to the GOP.  His favorite candidate for President:  Chris Christie.

WASHINGTON, DC – Budget crisis causes U.S. to turn to the alien, P’Lod, for financial aid.

The United States government will face a catastrophic event of historic proportions, if Congress cannot resolve the budget crisis. Current funding is scheduled to run dry on March 4 of this year and if a temporary spending bill is not put into place beforehand, the system of government that the citizens of the United States have grown accustom to will end, permanently.

Republicans have proposed $60 billion in federal spending cuts in order to keep the U.S. government out of the red and avoid a permanent shutdown. And although the house is now under Republican control, there are still concerns that members of Congress will be unable to put aside partisan principles and band together to save the United States from immanent doom.

As a safety net, some members of the Congress have called upon P’Lod, the alien who backed Barack Obama in the 2008 elections in hopes to find a way to the bring the United States budget under control.

Current Republican planned cuts include blocking federal funding to Planned Parenthood and baring the Pentagon from using tax dollars to sponsor NASCAR race teams.  P’Lod does not have issue with reducing funding to Planned Parenthood but he will not stand for cuts to NASCAR.  P’Lod really loves his NASCAR.

P’Lod has offered to take President Obama up on his offer for the White House, agreeing to pay the full asking price plus closing costs, as a sign of his commitment to aid the U.S. in these trying times.

“P’Lod has always enjoyed his visits to the White House,” said a top White House aide, “He’s really going to enjoy it here, especially the West Wing.”

Based on the great deal of influence that P’Lod had during the 2008 elections; many conspiracy theorists worry that this purchase is all but a tactical maneuver by P’Lod in order to help him to gain complete control of the U.S. and ultimately the world.

“There are tons of government secrets locked up in the White House, many of which the U.S. government does not even know about,” explained John McElroy, top conspiracy theorist and movie buff, “I’ve seen National Treasure and National Treasure: Book of Secrets. If we let P’Lod get a hold of that information there is no telling what powers and riches he will uncover.”

WASHINGTON -  A phenomenon known as natural decrease is becoming a pseudo pandemic within the U.S.

Natural decrease is when a region experiences more deaths than births causing the population to slowly decline. Currently, 1 in 4 U.S. counties is experiencing this phenomenon and the number of counties affected is rising at an alarming rate. If measures are not taken soon, the United States of America will simply cease to exist.

A report on this topic by Kenneth Johnson, a sociology professor and demographer at the University of New Hampshire’s Carsey Institute, was recently brought to the attention of Congress. The report cited that extreme actions are required to combat this widespread happening. In addition, it stated that if no action is taken, the economic crisis that the U.S. is currently facing will exponentially amplify causing the nation to become an impoverished war-torn state where adults kill babies for food, further worsening the situation.

Congress determined that the best way to combat natural decrease is to enforce a 21^st century baby boom on all U.S. citizens. In order to create the new boom, Congress has put forth a bill that will ban the sale and use of any contraception in the U.S. until 2024. Some forms of banned contraception included in the bill are: condoms, RU486 (the morning after pill), oral contraceptive birth control (the pill), diaphragms, IUD (intrauterine devices), and early withdrawal. It is still unclear exactly how Congress plans to enforce the ban on the last method.

The logic behind the bill is rooted in the basic principle that the more people who you have in a workforce the more tax revenue you will generate.

Talk of a nation burdened with years of sleepless nights and the landfills overflowing with dirty diapers and forgotten toys was rampant on the floor of the House last week. But in the end, everyone, for once, agreed that this bill would not only help the struggling economy but also resolve concerns that Medicaid and Medicare would run dry.

Advocates of the pornography industry are infuriated by the news sending the industry into a frenzy making plans to leave the U.S. to set up new studios in Canada and Mexico.

“If this bill passes there is now way that we can continue to film in the U.S. unless we allow all of our stars to become pregnant and that just will not do. We are not all into making preggo films,” stated a top executive from the industry, “Not to mention that without the money shot, all of our films will tank.”

Due to the controversial nature of the bill, it will be included on the 2012 ballot allowing U.S. citizens to vote this bill into law. In the mean time cast your vote .

WASHINGTON – President Obama rallies America in his State of the Union Address.

President Obama gave a riveting State of the Union address this evening.  Much of the President’s focus was on the economy and job creation. He referenced many hard working Americans and created a pep rally of sorts in an attempt to energize the American people.

With the American economy growing at a sluggish rate and job development still less than anticipated, the President asked Congress and the American people to consider how they can “win the future”, referencing America’s originality and innovation throughout history.

Some Republican Senators took this the wrong way and immediately took out their Blackberries and iPhones and began making wagers at Poker.com.  While others tried to outsource their wager making to the interns in the back of the room, completely missing the mark on the President’s reference.

Continuing on the topic of the economy, the President referenced a need to reduce the deficit. He proposed a five-year freeze in discretionary spending and tens of billions of dollars in defense cuts. However, he promised that Social Security would be left alone until somebody could come up with a better solution.

It was noticed by several attendees and members of Congress that during the speech Timothy Geithner made a quick note to himself writing “buy Casio calculator watches for all of Treasury department… no reason for anyone to have discrepancies…yes!”

President Obama also spoke to the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, insuring the American public that “no American will be forbidden from serving the country they love because of who they love”. This incited a rousing standing ovation from virtually everyone with the exception of three generals seated promptly in the front row, none of which stood nor clapped in response to the President’s remarks.

When the generals were asked after the speech why they chose not to stand or clap, the generals cited “old war injuries and bad knees”. As the generals were hurried off by their aides to avoid further questioning, the words “Fruit Loops” were heard from afar.

In Republican Senator Paul Ryan’s response to the speech he referenced the speedy recovery of Senator Giffords, the crushing debt that the country is enduring and that the next generation will inherit a stagnate economy but did not make any reference to online gambling, Casio calculator watches or Fruit Loops.

WASHINGTON – US forced to sell Alaska in order to combat with the rising national debt.

The US has just announced that the national debt has reached an all time high, topping $14 trillion dollars, that’s approximately $45,300 for every person in the US. The national debt is a result of the US accumulating years upon years of financial obligations dating as far back as the days of George Washington. But since 2005 alone, the debt has nearly doubled.

In order to combat the continued rising debt, Congress has been put in the hot seat, being forced to make difficult decisions. It is faced with a few potential options. One, Congress can lift the legal debt limit to create a higher credit limit for the country; Two, dramatically cut spending to keep the government on track and prevent the debt from growing further; or Three, sell government owned properties.

After an intense debate on Capitol Hill, Congress decided to go with option number three and sell Alaska back to Russia. The US purchased Alaska from the Russian Empire back in 1867 for the now bargain rate of $7.2 million dollars.

Original Check from US purchase of Alaska

“The Russians offered to write us a personal check, but that was unacceptable to the terms of the deal,” said Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner, “This is a COD kind of deal.”

The US stands to turn a hefty profit with the new sale price of $2.85 trillion.  This sale will dramatically reduce the debt, buying the US precious time to rework the budget and find a way to keep the rising debt at bay.

“We initially thought that leasing the state back to the Russians would be an option but we soon discovered that the cost to administer the lease would actually cause us to go further into debt,” explained Sen. Lisa Murkoski R-AK, “That is why we opted to sell it instead. We tried to sell Puerto Rico too but no one wanted it. We had several open houses but no bites, not a one.”

This decision has not been met without extreme outrage by the American public, especially by the citizens of Alaska.

“Just because Sara Palin is from Alaska does not mean that we should be treated like a second class state that can just be sold off on a whim,” said local Alaskan business owner, Bill Kumberlan, “this sale is going to make my life a nightmare, no one on my staff speaks Russian.”

It is unclear what other drastic measures Congress may need to take in order to deal with America’s enormous debt. But if Canada wants to make an offer on Vermont, we will gladly take it.  They’ve always wanted to succeed anyway.

WASHINGTON – The Senate voted to repeal the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy for the military, then applied it to Congress!

Yesterday on Capitol Hill, the Senate voted to repeal the 17-year-old “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy by a slim margin, but with one stipulation: members of Congress must now abide by their own “Don’t ask, Don’t tell” policy!

Until yesterday, members of Congress were still debating whether or not to repeal the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy, which forbids openly gay citizens from joining the military. But after Congress decided to adopt its own DADT policy, the addendum to enforce the ruling in Congress and the Senate made it an easy decision for a few undecideds to sway the tide.

“At first I was very much opposed to the repeal,” stated Senator John McCain, “but then when we decided to enforce “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” in Congress, I was all for it. Most of us are gay anyway so it’s not like we would be admitting to anything that we all already didn’t know.”

“Whoops,” he added. “Did I say that out loud?”

Though Congress’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy passed with an overwhelming majority, a handful of openly gay Congress members have raised their voices in protest.

“If we cannot vocalize on our true nature, then we must show it in other ways” proclaimed Senator Tom Coburn.

Coburn, along with several other gay Congressmen, have come together to form the “My Beard, My Life” initiative.

“Our beards are a symbol of our homosexuality,” said Coburn, while running a hand through his gray, stubbly whiskers. “Just because we can’t say we’re gay doesn’t mean we can’t show it!”

Senator McCain announced earlier this week that he too will grow a beard and join Coburn in the “My Beard, My Life” movement.

“Most gay congressmen already have beards,” said McCain, referring to the term used by closeted gays to describe their wives. “But now that beard is where it belongs: on our faces!”

Even some female Congress members have joined in on the movement.
“I really wish that they could have thought about lesbians with the “My Beard, My Life” campaign,” said Tammy Baldwin, an openly gay U.S. Representative for Wisconsin’s 2nd congressional district. “We might not be able to grow beards, but we can by grow out our leg hair and wear more skirts.”

So there you have it. It’s okay to be gay in the military but not in Congress! Now it’s only a matter of time before we see more members of the Senate and House sporting Chia Legs and the Grizzly Adams look!

PHOTOS by BOY MACK

WASHINGTON -  Due to the poor economy, Congress voted today to rename Labor Day. This year it will be called “Sex Day.”

Leaders of the House and Senate called their members back to Washington today for a vote on renaming Labor Day.  Nancy Pelosi told reporters, “There are too many people out of work to have a proper Labor Day celebration. It just reminds people how bad the economy is. It’s too depressing. At the same time, we learned this week that the U.S. birth rate is at a all-time low, so we need to encourage our citizens to have sex and make more American babies.”

“What better way to spend a day off than having sex all day,” said Vice President Biden, who initiated the plan for Sex Day.  “And since nobody really has any money for vacations anymore, why not just go into the bedroom and take a little sex vacation with your loved one?  It’s free, it’s fun and… the kids you’ll have next May will love it!”

Conservatives immediately objected to the renaming of Labor Day. “Sex is not the answer!  We need job, job, jobs,” said Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell.  But when Scott Brown, Senator of Massachusetts was asked what he thought he said, “Actually, I think sex is the answer.  I don’t know what the question is, but sex is always a good answer.”

Americans across the country seem to be embracing the new name for the September holiday.   Many Americans are planning on staying at home and “getting busy.”  “I like the idea,” said Jonathan Wilson of New York.  “Maybe my wife will alter our sex schedule for once.”  Wilson’s wife, Cheryl, responded, “Maybe my husband will last more than two minutes on Monday.”

Congress is hoping for a big baby boom next May.  “What would be perfect if we had millions of babies born next May 1st, which is International Worker’s Day. We can make all those babies official members of the AFL-CIO upon birth.  That’s be wonderful for the country.”

The first Labor Day in the United States was celebrated on September 5, 1882 in New York City. It became a federal holiday in 1894, when, following the deaths of a number of workers at the hands of the U.S. military and U.S. Marshals during the Pullman Strike, President Grover Cleveland  put reconciliation with the labor movement as a top political priority. Fearing further conflict, Labor Day was made a national holiday .

There’s no conflict this year, so Sex Day is a national holiday.

Lola Ridge, a 25-year-old escort in New York City strongly supports the new holiday.  “I think everybody should have sex, not just couples trying to have babies. There should be one day a year where everybody should be ordered to have sex.  And if you’re in New York, call me.  I’ll give you a holiday discount.”

President Obama plans to go to Camp David for the national day of sex.    He recommends all Americans rest up on Sunday in order to prepare for a wild day on Monday.  “Get your freak on,” said President Obama.

Let the foreplay begin!