BROOKLYN –  Faravores, followers of the latest food craze, demand distance for their delicacies.

Like locavores, faravores are people who pay attention to the origin of their food. They are committed to variety and eating food from as many faraway places as possible. They support what they consider “real” farmers.

Bob Gulvey, graphic designer and founder of Brooklyn Faravore, explained the motivation behind this quickly developing food trend.

“Real farmers are men in overalls with fields and pastures and tractors. This is where we want our food to come from. I don’t trust these locavore Brooklyn nuts with their hand-fed, backyard goats and their rooftop lettuces. It’s disgusting. It’s like breaking the ten-second rule on a New York City street and serving it up on a plate for $27.95.”

Gulvey continued, “I’m sorry, but I don’t want to eat a chicken you ordered online and had shipped to your little urban coop. And I definitely don’t want some nasty cock-fighting bird you bought off a guy underneath the Major Deegan. Faravore is about quality and selection. I support farmers who let their chickens run and roam. But they should do it in Iowa or Nebraska or somewhere with plenty of open space.”

When asked what brought him to organize, Gulvey did not hesitate.

“Coney Island Caviar, if you can believe it. I was at Met Foods on Fulton Street and they were giving away samples. Normally, I’m a big sample guy but you’ve got to be kidding me. I get the Russian influence of the neighborhood and all. But caviar should not come from Coney Island. Those are infected waters down there. It was like a lightning bolt struck me, I knew I had to do something. I don’t care how long it takes or how many gallons of gas are wasted or how many trees are chopped down, the caviar I eat will come from the Black Sea or even the Caspian. That’s the moment I became a faravore.”

Brooklyn Faravore will be holding their first rally at the Grand Army Plaza Greenmarket this Saturday, May 28th from 12-2PM. Supporters are encouraged to wear red. “Send It To Me!” and “Far For Me!” signs will be distributed.

NAURU – A small speck of an island in the South Pacific has the fattest people in the world and – the island is sinking!
Nauru is the smallest independent republic on earth and is situated in the South Pacific between Hawaii and Australia. The island is a mere 8.1 square miles, can be circumnavigated in less than 20 minutes and has a population of only about 10,000. The island may be physically isolated from much of the world but that has not stopped it from enjoying many of the spoils of mainland developed nations.

The economy of Nauru began to grow rapidly in the 1980s when the country began mining for guano, the excrement of cave dwelling animals that is used as an ingredient in fertilizer, gunpowder and exotic dishes served in France. Due to the small population and constant infusion of cash, Nauru has become the second-highest income per capita nation in the world.

This influx of money allows the country to import various products like Segways, Xbox 360s and processed foods that are high in fat and sugar. These delicious treats and lazy day activities have become not only favorites among the locals but staples as well.

As a result of this unhealthy diet and lack of physical activity, the inhabitants of Nauru have become some of the largest people on the planet. The average weight of an adult male is 375lbs and children are often born weighing in excess of 15lbs.

This added weight has not only taken a toll on the population but also on the land in which they live. With the ever increasing weight of the residents and the ever growing mounds of garbage from product packaging, geologists have noticed that the island is actually sinking. At the current rate, analysts believe that the island could disappear as early as May of this year.

It is unclear what will happen to the citizens of Nauru as the perimeter of their island home decreases. But if the people of the great nation of Nauru do not act fast, they will most certainly drown. This has truly become a sink or swim situation.

NEW YORK – The Queens Polar Bear Club hit the East River this morning for its annual New Year’s dip.

The Queens Polar Bear Club held their annual New Year’s swim and a record number of ice-water-loving New Yorkers took the plunge.  It started last night with a “dip-and-a-soak” at 4 a.m. and then the full Lunatic Swim got underway at 8 a.m.

The Queens Polar Bear Club once again jumped into the frigid East River.  And it looked quite inviting this morning:

The  swim was open to all hearty souls living in Queens who wanted to start 2011 right.

The NYC Parks Department provided changing facilities on Long Island City and the pre-party took place at LIC Bar. The after-party is underway in Lou Grimaldi’s basement and it’s a wild one – lots of  “guidos in speedos.”   Don’t just head over there though, because you can’t get in “unless you know somebody, you know what I mean?”  Grimaldi said.  However, if you have frostbite and/or icicles on your nipples,  “we’ll make an exception.”

The Queens Polar Bear Club is led by Elio Emiliani, a real estate sub-mogul who owns three studio condos on Jackson Avenue and several cemeteries in upstate New York.   Magdalena Estanada, who is the head of the Polar Bear Blanket Committee, also owns several properties upstate – some of the best meth labs in the country.

Here’s Elio and Magdalena with two friends at 4 a.m. this morning in the East River:

Long time Queens residents and former Olympic gold-medal swimmers, Jane Ulf and Elisabeth Vincent, (along with five Russian KGB agents)  led the stout group of three hundred Polar Bears into the East River.

This year only seventy-five people had to be taken to the Queensbridge Medical Center.  Not for hypothermia or frostbite, but because toxic waste was inhaled by swimmers or seeped into their skins.

Mayor Bloomberg was pleased that only 25% of the Polar Bears were hospitalized this year.  “This is even more proof that our efforts to clean up the East River are working.”

The East River is open all day for more intrepid Queens Polar Bears.   So what are you waiting for?  Get out there and jump in the East River!

NEW YORK, NY – New York state, desperate for money, has agreed to sell Coney Island to the Merpeople.

After realizing that recent tax increases would not be able to bring in enough income, Governor Paterson sent word to the Merpeople to help raise extra funds for the state.

The Merpeople have been looking into buying property for the past several months after signing a major deal with BP for oil rights.  With their new found wealth, they are looking into acquiring a vacation resort which they can sink below water and use.  Talks with Hawaii, Ibiza, and the Jersey Shore have all fallen through.

Governor Paterson offered the underwater race the option of purchasing Coney Island, a popular vacation destination whose future has been uncertain for some time now.

Coney Island, a famous haven for sideshow culture, is surprisingly resistant to being annexed by a race of Merpeople.  A petition against the sale was signed by 99 of the local sideshow performers and nailed into the nose of Jim-Jim the Undying.  One man said, through a mouthful of broken glass, “Our issue isn’t with mer-culture.  We just don’t want to lose our homes when they bring the island underwater.”

Earlier this week a meeting was held where representatives from City Hall and the Kingdom of Merpeople came together to finalize the deal.  A human-oddity chain was formed around the proceedings and the protesters sang “Give Freaks a Chance.”

Governor Patterson tried to throw in Staten Island to sweeten the deal; however, no one wants Staten Island.

NEW YORK, NY – Following three years of repair, the USS Intrepid’s return to Manhattan was greeted by the Tri-State Area’s only known Kraken.

The decommissioned WWII battleship returns to its dock, reopening the Intrepid Sea, Air, and Space Museum. Spectators were delighted as the Battleship approached the city, and even more surprised when Grakkle the Kraken emerged in dramatic fashion sending waves crashing over the Intrepid.

Executive Director of the Intrepid Museum, Susan Marenoff commented, “It was such a pleasure to have Grakkle rise in honor of the Intrepid’s return. We had no idea he was in the area, or a fan of the museum. We’re hoping to have him participate in an upcoming exhibition on the role of US Warships in the Kraken-Great Squid Battle of 1948.”

Viewers were treated to a nautical display not seen in recent decades. While Grakkle was once a common site along the coast of Manhattan, Coney Island, and the Long Island Sound, he been much more reclusive as of late.

“I was delighted to see two of New York City’s treasures together,” New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg told reporters, “but my fear is that the rise of Grakkle is a portent for something brewing under the waters of New York. We really cannot afford another Kraken outlash against our trade ships. Not in this economy.”