HAVANA, CUBA – Fidel Castro met with US lawmakers for the first time in years this Tuesday.  Political expert the Alien was on hand to assist with the talks. 
Washington is attempting to warm up relations with the communist country, including lifting the ban on American travel and the long held trade embargo.

The Alien, acting as an outside opinion, agreed that a furthered dialogue could be beneficial for both nations.

“The Cold War is long over.  There is no reason these two nations should not pursue a dialogue which could be mutually beneficial.”

Fidel Castro requested the Alien specifically to help mediate the meeting.  It was during the most heated portion of America’s relationship with Cuba that the Alien crash landed in Roswell New Mexico.  At the time Castro was obsessed with learning what advantages, technological or political, the Alien may be giving his cold war adversaries.  Finally seeing the Alien, knowing with certainty he exists and even talking with him, was the realization of a long held dream for Mr. Castro.

The meeting focused on the normalization between the two countries, and what that could mean.  Fidel and his brother Raul Castro believe that the Obama administration may be able to finally open the doors between the neighboring countries.

After the meeting Fidel took the Alien aside to ask about the part he played in “the old days.”  The Alien, although very polite, seemed very uncomfortable and kept giving the ‘help me’ signal to his fellow delegates.

The typically staunch communist leader seemed very keen on seeing improved US Cuba relations within his lifetime, and sent all the delegates home with large boxes of cigars and novelty military hat /fake beard sets.

I’m madder than a spitting camel at our new Communist-in-Chief!

First he goes to England, gives the Queen records of his own speeches, and lets his wife hug the old broad! (Like I said last week: at least Michelle didn’t try to give the Queen the fist bump!)

But then it got worse. The Teleprompter Kid met some A-rab king and bowed down to the guy! He didn’t bow to the Queen, did he? OK, the Queen doesn’t have billions of gallons of oil on her land, unless you count the vats of grease they cook their food in. But Sarah Palin has billions of dollars of oil on HER land and Obama would rather eat raw moose meat than bow to Sarah!

The A-rabs should be bowing to US! They use our army because they don’t have their own since the Israelis wrecked their old one. The A-rabs are good at chopping each other’s heads off for stealing a falafel, but they couldn’t win a fight with Jerry Seinfeld?

All A-rabs do all day is put on their weird Snuggie outfits and go shopping for diamonds and Cadillacs. The only smart thing about A-rabs is they don’t let their women drive, and if you’ve ever been in a Wal-Mart parking lot, you know that’s a good idea!

That’s who Obama bowed down to? If you can’t be bothered bowing down to the offspring of a bunch of homely, hemophiliac Krauts, why curtsy to the grandson of some illiterate desert bandit wearing a tea towel?

That’s what were getting for the next four years, my fellow Americans!
When the spacemen land in DC, expect Obama to kiss their little green feet!

NEW YORK, NY – The UN Security Council held an emergency meeting after North Korea fired a large rocket.Inside sources confirm the launch was part of a rock concert performed by returning leader Kim Jong Il.

State Departments around the world are furious at what appears to be an overt act of aggression on North Korea’s part.  Intelligence analysts say the multi-stage rocket could be used to deliver ballistic missiles to neighboring countries.  The North Korean Ministry of Truth maintains the rocket was an attempt to put a satellite in orbit.

Hidden sources deep within North Korea confirm the leader of the communist party performed in a rock concert this weekend to celebrate his return from America.  For months Kim Jong Il has been sighted throughout rural America, taking in the sights and performing at open mic nights.  On Sunday after two mediocre opening acts and several delays Kim Jong Il took to the stage in the Glam Rock persona “Buzzy Starcluster.”

This concert marks a change from the mostly country and blues he experimented with throughout the American heartland, and the first time a head of state has performed as an androgynous intergalactic rock star.

Kim Jong Il did an interview earlier this week for North Korea’s only music magazine People’s Republic of Funk, for which he is also the editor.  According to the interview Buzzy Starcluster is quote “a benevolent intergalactic leader” who “comes to the most beautiful and gracious people of each planet with a message of peace and love.”  His new album “Unending rise of the Eternal Sovereign from Beyond the Stars and the Unfortunate Vermin from Mars” will be state issued to all citizens within the month.

Songs from Sunday’s performance included Mount Paektu Daydream, It Ain’t Easy being Glorious Leader, Seoul Love,  21st Century Boy, and a soulful cover of Amy Winehouse’s Rehab sung a cappella by the communist dictator.

The show culminated with the launch of several rockets, including the multi-stage rocket which has caused an international stir.  At the musical climax of the show all the rockets launched from bunkers behind stadium, framing Kim Jong Il perfectly in their vapor trails.

A video of the concert will be broadcast on state television around the clock for the next week.

Unconfirmed reports say that the rocket has been recovered from the ocean, and its payload contained enough glitter and pictures of Kim Jong Il to blanket a countryside.  The pictures were postcard sized of Kim in his Glam Rock costume with the caption “I Love You.”

ATHENS, GA – Kim Jong Il has been sighted at a record store in Athens, Georgia.

Over the weekend North Korea’s communist dictator was seen perusing used records at Wuxtry, the same store where the band R.E.M. was formed.

Notably absent from the public eye for months, Kim Jong Il has been recently spotted in small towns throughout the American heartland. North Korean officials deny these claims, sating “Preposterous! Our Glorious Leader is here, working tirelessly for the people.”

Although attempting to blend in, Kim Jong Il attracted unwanted attention when he began happily singing along to Dave Matthews’ “Under the Table and Dreaming” at a listening station.

After nearly two hours of careful consideration he left the store with albums by Tom Waits, Neutral Milk Hotel, and Johnny Cash on vinyl. Before leaving he picked up a flier for a house party at the nearby University of Georgia. Investigation has yet to conclude whether the communist leader attended the kegger.

Earlier this week Korean dictator Kim Jong Ill was seen at a Burger King off I-75 in Chattanooga.

Wearing a “Dollywood” t-shirt and Elvis hairstyle, the dictator discreetly ate his meal in a quiet booth in the corner of the restaurant.

Seemingly oblivious to the attention he was attracting, the communist leader nibbled on a Healthy Wrap value meal and some salt water taffy he brought in while flipping through a large illustrated book on the Chickamauga Battlefield State Park.

International news outlets were ablaze earlier this year when the dictator was noticeably absent from ceremonies celebrating North Korea’s 60th anniversary.  His long absence from public appearances has even led some experts to believe he was dead.

Before leaving he approached the cashier and politely asked for “directions to the famous Lookout Mountain.”  Eyewitnesses noticed the large “See Rock City” bird-feeder in his passenger seat as he drove away.