The J-Train is coming through and he’s got the dating advice you need!

From the long line of WWN advice columns (i.e. Dear Dotti, Ask a Chimp, etc) comes a new breed of intrepid advice giver. It’s Jared Freid aka J-Train. A frequent dater and lover…

Dude Dating with J-Train: Sex and Farts

Q.    Train, so I meet this guy; we go on one date and we go “all the way” (no, not speaking over the phone…actual sex). I know this can’t be good but is it hopeless now? – Stephanie Tanner, San Francisco, CA

There are pros and cons to everything we do in life – and this is especially true in dating; a push and a pull, a Yin and a Yang. For example, you buy a girl a drink – you spend money (con); but she may be fooled into thinking you’re good looking (pro). The question is, then: are the pros worth the cost of the cons? I agree it isn’t good to jump a guy on the first date but is it a deal breaker? Lets take a look.

Pros

1.    You got off (maybe?)

2.    You know the type of lover that guy is. I’m not talking about Kama Sutra, ‘Flying Iron Puma’ stuff here; after all, very few men this side of Sting can keep up the stamina on the first go-around (depending on blood alcohol level). What I mean is this: is he a sweater? Does he keep his socks on? Does he…well…fit? Did he even realize you were there? –  A selfish lover is a selfish man. In one lust filled night you’ve learned a lot about the person, which is always a plus.

3.    You’ve made this guy’s week. He’s got a story for his buddies…and probably the whole IT department. Let’s just hope you guys didn’t do then nasty at an office party. You’ve done an act of charity for someone and that’s always good.

4.    Most importantly, you now know exactly how this guy feels about you. There is no clearer moment in a guys head than the few clairvoyant minutes after he climaxes. He’ll never be more truthful, more honest, more eloquent – he could build bridges, compose sonnets, fight bears. Then – poof! – It’s gone. It’s sort of like at the end of the notebook when the old lady who looks nothing at all like Rachel McAdams defies all science and shakes Alzheimer’s for a quick five minutes – and everything suddenly shifts dramatically into focus – Am I right, ladies? I’m right, ladies.

See, by taking the trip into Bone-ville, you got to avoid the stop off in Lie-town. Does he leave immediately after? Does he seem uncomfortable post-coitus? Does he take you to brunch the next day and order you a Grand Slam? These are important clues. This guy isn’t just trying to say the right things just to get to the sex anymore; he’s already planted the metaphorical flag in your literal vagina. Seize your 5 minutes of honesty and look honestly at his actions.

Cons

1.    Let’s face it, you didn’t get off.

2.    You know what type of lover he is. The steamy intrigue is gone. Five minutes of missionary isn’t exactly Ryan Gosling manhandling you in a house he built for you. Am I right ladies? I’m right, ladies.

3.    You’ve made this guy’s week. He told everyone – even the IT department. His friends have a nickname for you, too: probably something like “Cap’n Crunch” (don’t ask) or “Whore.”

4.    Taking that detour around Lie-town means your going to get the truth, which can hurt. You’re going to have to be prepared to know that “I’m working late all week” and “I have a stomach ache” really just means he’s playing video games with his buddies. He got what he wanted, climaxed and said then something to the effect of, “The Cap’n was cool, but not for me.” You have to be prepared for total honesty through his actions, and if he doesn’t treat you right then cut your losses and move on (This goes for guys, too…don’t be self-righteous martyrs here, ladies, some of you are man-eaters and we know it).

We both know sex on the first date isn’t the way to play it. So is it hopeless? Maybe you screwed the pooch (no pun intended) by rushing it, and maybe he’s lost interest and you’ve become just another conquest. But maybe not…play it cool, read the clues correctly and let him come back to you. And if you do get a second date, kiss him goodnight, and grab your vibrator.

Q.    I’m on the couch right now and I am emailing you from my phone. This girl I’ve been dating just farted in front of me. I didn’t even know they could do that. What do I do? Get back to me ASAP. – Alex P. Keaton, Columbus, OH

So I’ve heard about this…apparently, sometimes girls fart. Don’t freak out; we’ll get through this. I believe this is a mating ritual in which she tries to establish her dominance. Make it clear right away that this will not stand. Slip in a subtle line to throw her off, like ‘Wow, that’s so interesting, none of my exes ever farted in front of me. Speaking of exes, I used to have way more sex with them than I ever have with you. What? No, I didn’t mean that – I’m sure there’s no correlation between our sex life and the smell that is currently emanating from your ass.’

Then, continue to fart as much as you want. She has given you a gift of fart freedom. Let them fly whenever, wherever, forever. The world is yours friend; take it, you take it now!

You’re welcome,

Train

Do you have dating questions for J-Train? … Email me!

Follow J-Train on Twitter … http://twitter.com/#!/jtrain56

WASHINGTON –  Jon Stewart announced this morning that he will run for president in 2012.

In an exclusive interview with WWN, Jon Stewart announced his candidacy for president in 2012.  He said he was inspired by the overwhelming turnout during the Rally to Restore Sanity. Over 10 million people flocked to the National Mall to hear Stewart speak over the weekend.

“I’m like a leader to anti-conflictinators,” said Stewart, “and if I can get all of them to vote for me on Election Day, I’d win the race in a landslide. White house here I come!”

Stewart’s bid for presidency came at a crucial time for Democrats, whose political power is expected to sustain a formidable blow after midterm elections. Republicans are projected to gain nearly 230 seats in the House of Representatives and reclaim control of the chamber.

“Jon Stewart might be the Democrat’s only hope for restoring political power,” said Mike Hamilton, a political analyst for CNN. “They already lost the Senate, Obama is on his way out, and before long they won’t have a single stake in American politics. There would be nobody left to represent America’s rich media executives, hair-brained activists, and ignorant, self-entitled hipsters.”

In a statement released Sunday night, Stewart announced that he would be running under the “Pee Party Movement.” The name is a satirical jab at the Tea Party Movement that has taken American politics by storm.

“The Pee Party Movement is for the people and from the people,” said Stewart. “We’re not lukewarm on any issues. We’ll fight for what we believe, and that’s a free, liberal nation where people are allowed to make fun of each other as they so please!”

Statistics from early voter polls predict that over 95% of Democratic voters would support Stewart if he ran for president in 2012.

“He’s, like, the funniest guy on TV,” said Skeeter Douglas, a graduate student at UCLA and part-time hemp farmer. “My buddies and I watch the Daily Show every night, and we’re always like, ‘Dude! That guy would make the most tubular president ever! He should totally run!’”

Though Jon Stewart has not officially designated a running mate, authorities speculate that Stephen Colbert of the Colbert Report will likely join Stewart in the race for the White House.

“It’s a sad day for the Democratic Party when a comedian is our best bet of reclaiming the Oval Office,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “I guess it makes sense though. If you look at every Democrat in the last two years, you’d think we’re all a bunch of jokes.”

Here is Stewart’s first campaign speech.

HOLLYWOOD – Zach Galifianakis announced today that he is going to undergo gender reassignment surgery.

Zach Galifianakis, the Hangover star and the host of the popular late night talk show,  Between Two Ferns, told reporters that he will be undergoing gender reassignment surgery over the holidays and will be Sasha Galifianakis by January.

“I always wanted to have a vagina with me at all times.  And now my dream will come true.:

Galifianakis went on to say that he plans on getting 38DD size breasts because “I plan to fondle myself.  The bigger the breasts, the easier to fondle.”

Producers of the Hangover 2 plan on using Galifianakis’ sex change in the storyline.   “We thought about having Mel Gibson in the movie, feeding him to the lions in a Las Vegas circus act, but then Zach said that he thought it’d be ‘funnier’ if he had his genitals cut off and became a woman during the movie,” said producer Jay Savorsky   “It was a brilliant idea and we’re running with it.”

Galifianakis said he will start his life as a woman in a strip club.  “I’ve always loved dancing on a pole and now I’ll be able to do it as a woman.  I will know life from both sides of the pole.  And that’s good.”

Galifianakis said he is also  looking forward to being a mother.  He loved carrying a baby in Hangover and can’t wait to “pop one out on my own.”

Galifianakis is also working on a deal to have his sex change operation broadcast as a live Pay-Per-View special.  He wants to have Ben Stiller host the event.

WWN wishes Zach, and Sasha, all the best.

The J-Train is coming through and he’s got the dating advice you need!

From the long line of WWN advice columns (i.e. Dear Dotti, Ask a Chimp, etc) comes a new breed of intrepid advice giver. It’s Jared Freid aka J-Train. A frequent dater and lover…

Dude Dating with J-Train: Quick Hits – Fall Edition

Q. I want the guy I’m dating to take me apple picking and he refuses to go. How can I convince him? – Stacey Carosi, Malibu Sands, CA

A. Believe it or not, as the fall season approaches, I hear this plea for help constantly from the ladies. I don’t know what it is about women and picking apples but you’d think they’d avoid it, judging from their history. As men, of course we don’t want to apple-pick; when it’s not banishing us from paradise into a life of sin and regret, it’s doing something far more sinister: making us miss football.

For a guy, every Saturday and Sunday in the fall is hopelessly, pathetically devoted to football; the game is our cruel mistress and our couches are the cold shackles that chain us to loss, pain, and fantasy stats. So how can you break the spell? You need to sell the idea, and any good saleswoman knows that in order to close the deal, you need to know your customer and tailor your pitch. First off, when is your man’s favorite team’s bye week (the one week every season they have off)? Lead with this, ‘Baby, after the Giants take down the Skins in game 7, I know they have the bye week…do you have any plans?’ Of course he doesn’t have any plans because men don’t make plans (which I know drives you girls insane – might as well play it to your favor). He’ll say, ‘no,’ and – bam – you’ll have him by the proverbial balls. Now drive the stake in the heart by telling him about a place that he might actually want to go to; you see, there are plenty of orchards outside any city that might feature corn mazes, pumpkin launchers or even pig races (true), and if there just happens to be some apple-picking involved, well then, so be it.

Remember: tailor the pitch, like anything in life, you have to sell the sizzle and always be closing. If you do that, you’ll have an embarrassing Apple Picking Facebook photo album (that literally nobody cares about) in no time.

Q. Train, I’ve been scoping this chick hard lately. The only problem is I only see her at the gym. How should I approach this situation? – Tony Perkis, Hope, ME

A. That’s easy: pack on some hard muscle and come at her looking like Hugh Jacked-man. Personalities don’t win any love wars at the gym; hard pecs and great gym innuendos are the only paths to victory here (i.e. ‘I save my squat-thrusts for the bedroom’, or, ‘How can I do some lunges into your heart?’). But don’t be too coy here; if she happens to catch you out of the corner of her eye, try simulating sex with a Swiss Ball or working up a full woody before laying down to max out on the bench press. And, of course, grunt as much as possible.

If that doesn’t work (it won’t), then try this secret weapon: self-deprecation. The gym has as much ego floating around as a summerhouse in the Hamptons full of 20 year-old Investment Bankers. The best way to handle things is to separate yourself from the pack of alpha males by being confident enough to make joke at your own expense. Talk about the 5-pound dumbbell press you just sweat through, or how the elliptical machine is great preparation for the moon bounce at your birthday party. Be cool by not being too cool.

And, of course, take it slowly. This isn’t a nightclub. Nobody went to the gym to meet guys first then sweat through their shirt second – so don’t make her uncomfortable at the place she pays good money to be a member of. It’s a process: start with a smile, move your way to a hello, and then see if she is receptive from there. Take it slow and look good, just like taping a porno…or so I’ve heard.

Q. I take a long time to get ready. It seems to bother anyone I date. Do guys care about this? – Blanche Devereaux, Miami, FL

A. I’ve never sat around at a bar and had a long discussion with the guys about how long our girls take to get ready. This is TV sitcom fodder, like ‘my wife can’t cook’ and ‘he always leaves the seat up’. Stop watching Two and a Half Men and listen here: we only care about being on time and walking in with someone presentable. If you want to look great, and it takes 6 hours to outdo the girl across from you, that’s fine; just do us a favor and start getting ready at 1PM.

Guys like getting a “win” and hate receiving a “loss”; it doesn’t matter how big or small the game. A lady taking a long time to get ready but looking like a 10 is a “win”.  A lady who only took twenty minutes to get ready, made us 10 minutes late to dinner, and looks like they just did the ‘walk of shame’ is a “loss”. Remember, it isn’t the amount of time it takes it’s how that time is used.
And if you make us late, you can forget about the trip to the apple orchard.

You’re welcome,

J-Train

Do you have dating questions for J-Train? … Email me!

LOS ANGELES, CA – Sensitive hipster comedian performs divine healing.  Most commonly noted for his shy and awkward comic characters, Michael Cera was witnessed healing a sick child with his self-deprecating humor.

Outside of a charity event in Los Angeles, Mr. Cera was seen discreetly talking to wheelchair bound Katie Harris, there with her father.  After several minutes of dry humor and shy downward smiles from Cera, the young Miss Harris was able to jump and dance to a White Stripes song.  Mr. Cera was an endearingly horrible dancer.

Legions have now claimed to be healed by touching a television or movie screen while Michael Cera is on.

Screen healings appear to be limited to headaches and seasonal allergies.  Alternative medical experts are already recommending patients hold copies of Arrested Development against their abdomen to improve liver function, or biting down on them to prevent tooth decay.  Copies of Cera’s sex comedy Superbad are being ground up by herbalists to fight impotence.

These events could shed light on mysterious events at a children’s hospital in Oakland where two dozen children in the chemotherapy wing were healed by what they described as a “Big Nerd” who left behind a mix tape featuring several obscure indie rock bands.