I’m madder than Ted Kennedy at a cash bar! Today’s May 1, the big commie holiday. Yeah, there are still some commies around – old Ed didn’t kill ‘em ALL off in Korea, though I tried my damndest! Got a few of ‘em right between the eyes up on Pork Chop Hill.

Those days are gone. We thought we’d beat the commies, thanks to Reagan the Great – but now there’s a commie in Reagan’s old job! Old Lady Thatcher said Reagan won the Cold War without firing a shot, but Obama won the White House without firing Hillary Clinton.

No, it didn’t take much to fool my fellow Americans. Our government owns the banks and the car companies, posters of Obama are all over the place – America’s turning into North Korea with 7-Elevens.

No wonder Joe McCarthy drank himself to death. Saving your fellow Americans from commies within is a thankless job. Now our colleges are full of them, plus Hollywood, and now Washington: rich people who want everybody to be poor!

And our kids wear t-shirts of that commie Cheeto Guava guy, who killed more people than Charles Manson. Stupid brats don’t realize their hero would strangle them with their own earphone cords for listening to rock & roll.

Their heroes are guys like that Jon Stewart, who just called Harry Truman a “war criminal” on his TV show! Son, that “war criminal” is one the reasons you’re a millionaire today and not a lampshade on Hirohito’s nightstand.

Soon we’re gonna wake up and find they’ve stuck a black beret on the Lincoln Memorial, and carved Castro’s face into Mount Rushmore. For the Communist-in-Chief, every day is May Day in America! We’re doomed!

HAVANA, CUBA – Fidel Castro met with US lawmakers for the first time in years this Tuesday.  Political expert the Alien was on hand to assist with the talks. 
Washington is attempting to warm up relations with the communist country, including lifting the ban on American travel and the long held trade embargo.

The Alien, acting as an outside opinion, agreed that a furthered dialogue could be beneficial for both nations.

“The Cold War is long over.  There is no reason these two nations should not pursue a dialogue which could be mutually beneficial.”

Fidel Castro requested the Alien specifically to help mediate the meeting.  It was during the most heated portion of America’s relationship with Cuba that the Alien crash landed in Roswell New Mexico.  At the time Castro was obsessed with learning what advantages, technological or political, the Alien may be giving his cold war adversaries.  Finally seeing the Alien, knowing with certainty he exists and even talking with him, was the realization of a long held dream for Mr. Castro.

The meeting focused on the normalization between the two countries, and what that could mean.  Fidel and his brother Raul Castro believe that the Obama administration may be able to finally open the doors between the neighboring countries.

After the meeting Fidel took the Alien aside to ask about the part he played in “the old days.”  The Alien, although very polite, seemed very uncomfortable and kept giving the ‘help me’ signal to his fellow delegates.

The typically staunch communist leader seemed very keen on seeing improved US Cuba relations within his lifetime, and sent all the delegates home with large boxes of cigars and novelty military hat /fake beard sets.

In honor of his birthday, Weekly World News presents 15 strange facts about Dr. Seuss that you may have never heard before!

1. Dr. Seuss’ real name was Theodor Seuss Geisel

2. After being caught at a drinking party during the Prohibition era, Theodor was forced to continue writing for Dartmouth’s paper under a pseudonym. Thus, Dr. Seuss was born

3. Although he is famous for his children books, he never had any children himself

4. During World War II, Seuss wrote short propaganda films for the United States War Department such as “Your Job in Germany”, to be shown to soldiers about to go overseas into foreign cultures

5. He also drew political cartoons during the War for a left-wing newspaper, including one that depicted all Japanese-Americans as latent traitors

6. After the war ended, Seuss had a change of heart and wrote “Horton Hears a Who” as an allegory for the American post-war occupation of Japan

7. Seuss had a closet next to his studio filled with hats sent to him from children around the world

8. “Green Eggs and Ham” was written on a dare, after a publisher bet him $50 he couldn’t write a book using only 50 different words

9. Seuss was descended from a long line of German brewmasters on his father’s side

10. Seuss Landing, an area of Universal Studios theme park made especially for small children, does not feature a single straight line anywhere in keeping with Seuss’ vision

11. “Cat in the Hat” was written to promote literacy, after a 1954 report on illiteracy concluded that children found books to be boring

12. Before President Richard Nixon resigned, Seuss rewrote one of his books to declare, “Richard M. Nixon, Will You Please Go Now!” and released it to major newspapers

13. After the failure of the live-action film adaptation of “Cat in the Hat” and it’s risqué content, Seuss’ widow has banned any future live-action films being made, declaring them too difficult to monitor

14. The “Butter Battle Book” is an anti-war story, and specifically challenged Reagan’s decision to put defense ahead of social welfare programs during the Cold War

15. “Horton Hears a Who” is often referenced by pro-life groups for recurring phrase “a person’s a person, no matter how small”. His widow discouraged this, and Seuss himself threatened to sue a group for using his words on their stationery