BOGOTA, COLOMBIA – Charlie Sheen has been in Colombia for the last week, trying to start his own drug cartel.

LOS ANGELES – Drug users across Los Angeles have encountered some bad cocaine that is eating away their flesh.

SHERMAN OAKS, CA – Charlie Sheen’s new webshow, Sheen’s Korner, was the highest rated show in America last night.

HOLLYWOOD – Charlie Sheen announced today that when he gets out of rehab he will be adopting seven porn stars and living with them in a new home.

BEVERLY HILLS – Hollywood can relax. The briefcase containing Charlie Sheen’s cocaine supply has been found!

TUSCON, AZ- Mexican drug cartels must resort to primitive tactics to get drugs across the US border.

ATLANTA, GA – Executives at the Coca Cola, Inc. are fuming after someone in the company leaked the soft-drink’s secret ingredient!

HOLLYWOOD – CBS has decided to help Charlie Sheen get the help he needs. They’ve bought him his own brothel in Nevada.

HOLLYWOOD – Pictures have surfaced of Lindsay Lohan injecting herself with a syringe!

NEW YORK, NY – They put on their headphones, drape hoods over their head and drift off into a world of “Mel highs.”