CLEVELAND, OH –  The 5,676-foot-peak, located 40 miles outside Cleveland erupted this morning.

Satellite imagery of the 5,676-foot peak, located just south of Downtown, showed a bulging lava dome forming in the volcano’s summit crater, suggesting a buildup of gas pressure.

And this morning, it blew.

Even though the volcano is in a relatively uninhabited area (due to foreclosure, the eruption still has cause a big mess and inconvenienced a number of Cleveland natives.

Some 90 percent of commercial flights in and out of Cleveland were canceled today.

There was even an eruption at Cleveland Browns stadium, where the Browns were already practicing – in front of packed house – for next season.

Officials say that more intermittent and sudden explosions could happen at any time, generating ash clouds up to 20,000 feet above sea level.

The Ohio Volcano Observatory has elevated the Aviation Color Code from Yellow to Orange, indicating that Cleveland Volcano is exhibiting “heightened or escalating unrest with increased potential of further eruptions.” Orange is the second highest warning level in the OVO’s four-color alert system.

The observatory says that as of Monday, the lava dome was approximately 130 feet in diameter.

The volcano has sent an ash plume 15,000 feet high.

But that was just a rumble compared to the eruption in 2001, which saw ash clouds as high as 39,000 feet.

Cleveland residents, as always, were undaunted.

“You seen one eruption, you seen them all.  What we need here is an eruption of jobs,” said Will Makerman of Shaker Heights.

CLEVELAND -  With the economy in a coma – Detroit and Cleveland are becoming farms once again.

Detroit and Cleveland are literally falling apart.  People are still fleeing the city and there are numerous houses and buildings that are empty.

So what are they doing to help revitalize their cities?

They are bulldozing the buildings are turning the land back into farms.

A vacant lot may be a lot of things: an eyesore, a dump, a symbol of American industrial decline.

Garrett Malmstein 29,  is planning on managing the farm at the old MetLife Building in downtown Cleveland.

“Right here is kind of a mix of plants that probably existed as people’s landscaping,” said Mr. Malmstein, a naturalist with the Cleveland Museum of Natural History. “This here looks like somebody’s ornamental rose that has just kind of persisted.”

A concrete pad hinted where the buildings might have stood. If the pair of fawns grazing across the street knew anything more than that, they weren’t saying.

Detroit plans to implode the Renaissance Center in Downtown Detroit and put in a big cornfield.  Many local Detroiters are welcoming the conversion from “big city” to “little farm.”

“I’m looking forward to planting some tomatoes in the farm that’s going to start up at the old Ford Theater,”  said Willie Watters who lives right on Jefferson Boulevard.  “It’s about time we get back to our roots.  Michigan is all about farms.  That’s what we do best.”

Many Detroiters are spending the summer planting seeds – hoping for a big harvest next spring.

In Cleveland, it’s the same thing.  Cleveland’s vacant land  is looking less like a sign of neglect and more like an ecological experiment spread over some 33,600 acres.

The Cleveland Browns football team is taking part in the “Greening of Cleveland.”   Many of the players on the team will be spending time, plowing some fields and helping to set up working farms for citizens of downtown Cleveland.

The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is being imploded.  It will now be the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Garden.   “We’re going to plant roses.  Many of superstars of rock and roll will be on hand to plant cucumbers and broccoli.”

“I’m going to help all I can,” said Bruce Springsteen.  “This is what rock and roll is all about – gardening, helping things grow.  Cleveland is rising.”

Originally, cities like Cleveland and Detroit were farms back in the 19th century.  The industrial revolution turned them into “rust”… but now, they are going green again.

Driving away from Site 6 and Cleveland’s east side, you can imagine someone like Mr. Thomas cursing the unmown grass every morning and evening, for years on end. Until one day, he will look over from the porch and the grass will be gone. And a wood will have taken its place.

JACKSONVILLE, FL —  IMG, the sports management agency representing  Tiger Woods for the last 12 years – has dumped him!

“He is no longer with IMG,” company spokesman Jim Gallagher said.

IMG announced a reorganization of its golf division Tuesday evening, with Tiger Woods’ agent Mark Steinberg getting the heave-ho. The move means Tiger will be leaving Cleveland-based IMG, which has represented him his entire career.

Tiger will now be represented by a new team:  Kat tthe Pimp and Rachel Uchitel.

Rachel Uchitel will be managing his game:

Kat the Pimp will be handling Tiger’s personal affairs:

Tiger was negotiating a new deal with IMG when talks broke down, according to two officials aware of the discussions.  Tiger slammed a golf club through the window in the conference room.  “That pretty much sealed the deal,” an IMG spokesman said.

Officials said Woods and fellow IMG golfer, Annika Sorenstam, would be free to leave IMG and stay with Steinberg if they wanted.  Woods said he’d rather be with Uchitel and the Pimp.  “I feel more comfortable hanging with them.  They are focused on improving my game – on and off – the course,” Tiger said.

Tiger did, however, spend last night with Annika Sorenstam.   They comforted each other in a Holiday Inn in Bethesda, Maryland.  They went even par on the first four holes.

Tiger said, “It’s been a great relationship with IMG. I had a chance to go through a lot of … basically my entire professional career and learn a lot about the business. But now I’m really ready to party and Rachel and Katt will help me do that.”

Woods has a close relationship with Steinberg, a reserve on the Illinois basketball team that went to the Final Four in 1989. If he were to leave IMG and stay with Steinberg, it likely would not make much of a difference in his golf schedule or even his endorsements, as Steinberg did most of that work.

CLEVELAND –   Authorities have confirmed a UFO over Lake Erie.

It seems to be world centre for UFO videos, but this the image is extraordinarily clear.

UFO enthusiast Michael Lee Hill, of Eastlake, has recorded many images of something mysterious over Lake Erie, Ohio.
He has just released new footage filmed along the lakefront that he says is his best so far.

Mr Hill said:   “It was probably one of the craziest nights of activity I’ve ever experienced.”

The images show several sets of coloured lights flashing over Lake Erie, while appearing to remain still.

Mr Hill said: ‘I’ve been filming these for a long time and it’s just grown to the point where they’ve let me know, they know I’m sittin’ there filming them.

‘You know, they come in – every year they’ve come in closer and closer.”

Several people in the area believe the lake is a hotbed for extraterrestrial activity.

Ed Husa lives in Euclid and often walks his dog in a local park.

‘I go outside and I look up in the sky and I see them all the time up there.

‘Every so often you see strange lights blinking on and off.’

Fox 8 News revealed similar images of lights blinking over Lake Erie last year.

That led a team from the Cleveland Ufology Project to track the lights.

The organisation was founded back in 1952. Its members consider themselves experts and decided that the images were airplanes.

Hill disagreed with their assessment last year and now he says he’s even more confident the aliens are among us.
‘The fact that this remains in the screen and is not moving, I believe, negates any notion that it’s an aircraft,’ he said.

Previously, NASA, which has a research facility in Cleveland, has not commented on the sightings over Lake Erie. Officials at Hopkins International Airport said planes from the U.S. and Canada take-off frequently over the water.

CLEVELAND -  Roma Gypsies are invading Cleveland, taking advantage of the current economic crisis to set up tent neighborhoods.

Roma, called Gypsies, had traveled around rural areas of America in the 1930s. Many Roma from Russia and the Balkan countries came to the U.S. and Canada during the late 1800s. Experts believe Roma originated from northwestern India, but hundreds of years ago they were labeled Gypsies because people incorrectly thought they came from Egypt. Gypsies were persecuted by the Nazis during the late 1930s and early 1940s. Nearly 500,000 Roma people died in concentration camps.

Since then, Gypsies have roamed all over Europe – Eastern and Western.  Recently, thousands of Roma gypsies deported from France are heading for the midwest of the United States.  Many have been spotted in Pennsylvania and Michigan but there has been a large number seen in recent weeks in Ohio, with close to 50,000 setting up camps in Cleveland and the surrounding suburbs.

Ohio has the perfect weather for us,” said Radva Kurcik, a Roma leader from Romania.  “There are also many empty office buildings and houses in Cleveland, that we intend to take over.  We love Cleveland!”

The Cleveland Police have not yet taken any action against the gypsies.  “We do not want to racial profile any group.  We are taking this gypsy situation seriously, but we’re going slowly.”

“Going slowly?” said Jim Scott of Hudson, Ohio.  “We got gypsies all over the place.  There was over five hundred setting up camp on our town football field. Somebody has to do something!”

Many of the gypsies have already managed to get onto the unemployment rolls in Ohio.  “They make it very easy for you to get unemployment benefits and food stamps.  Plus, President Obama met with us over the weekend and promised us free healthcare, said Katrina Vldoch.  “America is the greatest nation in the world.”

Many Cleveland residents are upset about the influx of Gypsies.  “They are thieves and robbers.  They don’t work and they don’t contribute to society.  We want the government to do something!  We want them out!” said Missy Connors of Cleveland.

Connors was later arrested for attacking a gypsy that had moved into her house.  “The Police are siding with the gypsies. This is outrageous!” said Scott.

Cleveland Mayor Frank Jackson said that the city is planning to have a meeting to discuss forming a panel to address the Gypsy situation.  “We don’t want to discriminate about anybody.  Cleveland loves diversity.”

Meanwhile, the Obama Administration has told the Roma leadership that gypsies are welcome in America – especially in Ohio.  But, if Ohio voters promise to vote for Obama in 2012, the Administration said that they will encourage Gypsies to head to Missouri.

CLEVELAND – Doctors have finally diagnosed Jimmy Carter’s mysterious medical condition: he’s pregnant!

Doctors confirmed earlier today that Jimmy Carter will have to spend a second night in the Cleveland-area hospital – because the former President is pregnant!

Former President Carter was admitted to the MetroHealth Medical Center on Tuesday after complaint of an upset stomach.  He became ill while on a Delta Airlines flight from Atlanta to Cleveland.

As soon as the plane landed, medical dispatchers and EMTs were there to rush the bloated ex-President to the emergency room.

At 85 years old, Jimmy CArter would be the oldest man to ever give birth. The last man to give birth was Thomas Beattie, who gave birth to a baby girl in March, 2008.

Carter’s wife, Rosaylnn, was shocked upon confirmation that her husband was pregnant.  ”I’m furious!” said Mrs. Carter.  ”I haven’t made love to my husband in 40 years.  There’s no way that baby is mine!”

Maternity tests are underway.  There are many women that Carter has “lusted after” over the years – including cruise ship passengers, Palestinians and a Habitat For Humanity carpenter – so there’s many possibilities for maternity.

Hillary Clinton is not one of them.  ”I wouldn’t step on that peanut farm, even if he was the last man on earth,” she said.

George W., a close friend who asked that his last name be withheld, told WWN reporters that former Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice was the mother of Mr. Carter’s child.

The two politicians collaborated on human rights projects in the past. “Hey, what other people choose to do after a long day of Middle East peace negotiations is their own business,” said George W. “All I know is:  what happens in Palestine stays in Palestine!”

When asked to comment on the allegations, Ms. Rice began defensive. “I am not that baby’s mamma!” said Condoleeza Rice in a press conference earlier today. “I’m not even into guys!”

Dr. Jamir Patel, head obstetrician at the MetroHealth Center, said mr. Carter’s pregnancy is highly unusual.  ”Pregnancies are for people over 40,” said Dr. Patel. “And, obviously, the fact that he’s a man complicates things.  You don’t want to know where the baby’s going to come out It’s not pretty.”

Medical officials at the MetroHealth Center declined to release the sex of teh child, citing “an exploding ultrasound machine.”  But in an exclusive interview with Weekly World News, Dr. Patel divulged the real reason behind the hospital’s secrecy. “That baby doesn’t look human,” said Dr. Patel. “It has wings and claws and fangs.  That’s a vampire, if I’ve ever seen one.”

Vampire specialists are now headed to Cleveland to help assist in the delivery.  WWN wishes the former President and his spawn well!

Story filed by intrepid WWN reporter: Brian Zimmerman.

TOLEDO – A crazed burger killer is on the loose in Ohio – stabbing cheeseburgers across the state.

FoxNews in Toledo is reporting that a mysterious person has been roaming the countryside, seeking out freshly-cooked cheeseburgers and violently stabbing them.  The cheeseburgers, unable to defend themselves, have been slaughtered, stabbed repeatedly with a steak knife, leaving nothing but Burger bits on the ground.

“It’s horrifying,” said a distraught Laura Calcaterra (pictured here).

“We were ready to serve the children burgers, when the Burger Killer rushed into our backyard and stabbed every cheeseburger we had.  There was nothing left but buns,” said Calcaterra.  The children at the 6-year-old birthday party went screaming in all directions.  “They’ll never be able to eat cheeseburgers again, never.”

Toledo Police are taking the Burger Killer seriously.  “Sometimes it starts with burgers, then it moves to steak, then mice, then cats, then dogs, then humans.  It’s a typical pattern. We have to stop the Burger Killer now, before he does more harm.”

“Nonsense,” said Burger Expert, Professor Frank Bontempo of the University of Toledo.  “There is no evidence, empirical or otherwise, that demonstrates that killing or stabbing cheeseburgers leads to murder of humans.  What my studies have shown is that people that attack Burgers, typically stick to meat attacks.  They may kill a few hot dogs or pork sandwiches, but that’s it.  There’s no escalation whatsoever.”

The Toledo Police have set up Burger Killer Task Force.  Burger King, McDonald’s and Denny’s have hired round-the-clock guards to protect their restaurants.  “Some of our customers who have ordered Big Macs, have seen a shadowy figure nearby.  We have to protect our customers and our burgers.”

“It’s impossible to kill a burger.  It’s already dead,” said seven-year-old Christine Sumanis.  “The cow was killed and then made into a burger and then this person comes in and stabs it to death, but it’s not really death because it’s already dead.  I’m confused.”  It’s easy for children to understand the evil that some men (or women) do… but the Burger Killer is running wild in Ohio. There have been a number of reports of Burger Killer stabbings in Akron, Youngstown and just yesterday there were several hundred cheeseburgers killed at Cleveland Brown parties in Cleveland.

“We will catch the Burger Killer. Count on it!,” said Captain John Comito of the Toledo Police Department.

The Toledo Police already had a “person of interest” that they suspect may be the Burger Killer.  Here she is:

Keep your cheeseburgers safe!!

CLEVELAND, OH – A 75-year-old woman has admitted to killing a 25-pound fawn with a shovel because of the way it looked at her. Is there a deer uprising?

Witnesses have stated that Dorothy Richardson beat the fawn to death with a shovel after she caught it sitting in her flower bed. However, Richardson has said she feared for her life after the way it looked her in the eye.

Does she know something about these deer that we don’t? Watch her description of the incident below:

CLEVELAND, OH – Teammates are becoming suspicious that recently acquired cheerleader Stephanie Peters is in fact an undercover operative from a rival high school.

Doubts began to surface among the squad at Grant High when it was discovered that Peters’ brother, Mike, played quarterback for long-time adversary Lee High, and that both Peters children were enrolled there.

“I never see her in class,” said fellow cheerleader Morgan Driscoll.  “And she always shows up for practice late and by car.  I think she might not even go to Grant.”

Although Peters has vehemently denied any problems of allegiance, her actions have repeatedly called it into question.

“Remember that time she did the team laundry, and all the uniforms came out red instead of blue, so we had the same colors as Lee for game day?” recalled squad captain Jennifer Oates.  “I don’t know, but like, maybe that wasn’t a mistake.”

Peters has also been known to accidentally switch the school’s names during routines, misplace the mascot’s costume, and was once caught waxing the soles of the team’s shoes.

“There’s just something that’s not kosher about that girl,” opined Driscoll.  “And I have this feeling that she’s not really pepped up about next week’s big game.  She keeps saying it’s not going to go well for us.”

The squad’s misgivings were somewhat assuaged when Peters excitedly announced that she would be making them all her special Victory Lemonade right before game time.

CLEVELAND, OH – The Cleveland Browns are on the look-out for a new leader after Coach Crennel went missing under supernatural circumstances.

In a bizarre act, eerily reminiscent of the Samuel Jackson death scene in the movie “Deep Blue Sea” (video below), Cleveland Browns coach Romeo Crennel was swallowed whole this morning by the Lake Erie Monster upon returning back from Philadelphia at the Burke Lakefront Airport in Cleveland, Ohio.

A local photographer took vivid shots of the crime:

According to eyewitnesses on the scene, Crennel had assembled the team on the tarmac at the Burke airport on the shores of Lake Erie. After the 4-10 Browns deplaned, Crennel asked the weary team to huddle up for a motivational talk.

Crennel stood in front of his men and told them, “Nature can be lethal, but it doesn’t hold a candle to man. Now you’ve seen how bad things can get, and how quick they can get that way. Well, they can get a whole lot worse.  So we’re not going to fight anymore. We’re going to pull together and we’re going to find a way to get out of here. First, we are going to score a touch-”.

Before the embattled Coach could finish his speech, a long-necked sea monster rose out of the frigid waters and devoured the coach in front of his team.

U.S. Coast Guard petty officer Byron Firdelis, an ardent Browns supporter, told reporters that the Cleveland-based Lake Erie Coast Guard would not initiate a search for Crennel. Firdelis said, “We can’t take the risk of jeopardizing men in the search for a Coach that has now had 3 10-loss seasons in 4 years.  Besides, Crennel is not a strong swimmer. Our recommendation to Browns management is to finalize discussions with Bill Cowher as quickly as possible.”