TOLEDO – A crazed burger killer is on the loose in Ohio – stabbing cheeseburgers across the state.

FoxNews in Toledo is reporting that a mysterious person has been roaming the countryside, seeking out freshly-cooked cheeseburgers and violently stabbing them.  The cheeseburgers, unable to defend themselves, have been slaughtered, stabbed repeatedly with a steak knife, leaving nothing but Burger bits on the ground.

“It’s horrifying,” said a distraught Laura Calcaterra (pictured here).

“We were ready to serve the children burgers, when the Burger Killer rushed into our backyard and stabbed every cheeseburger we had.  There was nothing left but buns,” said Calcaterra.  The children at the 6-year-old birthday party went screaming in all directions.  “They’ll never be able to eat cheeseburgers again, never.”

Toledo Police are taking the Burger Killer seriously.  “Sometimes it starts with burgers, then it moves to steak, then mice, then cats, then dogs, then humans.  It’s a typical pattern. We have to stop the Burger Killer now, before he does more harm.”

“Nonsense,” said Burger Expert, Professor Frank Bontempo of the University of Toledo.  “There is no evidence, empirical or otherwise, that demonstrates that killing or stabbing cheeseburgers leads to murder of humans.  What my studies have shown is that people that attack Burgers, typically stick to meat attacks.  They may kill a few hot dogs or pork sandwiches, but that’s it.  There’s no escalation whatsoever.”

The Toledo Police have set up Burger Killer Task Force.  Burger King, McDonald’s and Denny’s have hired round-the-clock guards to protect their restaurants.  “Some of our customers who have ordered Big Macs, have seen a shadowy figure nearby.  We have to protect our customers and our burgers.”

“It’s impossible to kill a burger.  It’s already dead,” said seven-year-old Christine Sumanis.  “The cow was killed and then made into a burger and then this person comes in and stabs it to death, but it’s not really death because it’s already dead.  I’m confused.”  It’s easy for children to understand the evil that some men (or women) do… but the Burger Killer is running wild in Ohio. There have been a number of reports of Burger Killer stabbings in Akron, Youngstown and just yesterday there were several hundred cheeseburgers killed at Cleveland Brown parties in Cleveland.

“We will catch the Burger Killer. Count on it!,” said Captain John Comito of the Toledo Police Department.

The Toledo Police already had a “person of interest” that they suspect may be the Burger Killer.  Here she is:

Keep your cheeseburgers safe!!

How much do you REALLY know about The King? Read this collection of trivia and find out!

1. Elvis’ income dropped from $400,000 a month to $78 a month after he was drafted into the U.S. Army on Dec. 19, 1957.

2. The King’s entourage were known collectively as the Memphis Mafia. All sported diamond and gold rings, given to them by Elvis, on which a thunderbolt and the letters TCB had been imprinted. TCB stood for “Taking Care of Business”.

3. The Beatles visited Elvis at his home in California on Aug. 27, 1965, joining him in an informal jam session that, tragically, wasn’t recorded.

4. Elvis called milk “butch”.

5. Elvis gave away so many cars – including Corvettes, Cadillacs and Lincolns – that nobody has ever been able to come up with an accurate count.

6. The King’s last car was a 1976 Cadillac Eldorado which sported gold-plated hubcaps, TV – and a bar.

7. Elvis’ concert jumpsuits were given names. They included: Peacock, White Prehistoric Bird, Flame, Gypsy, Mad Tiger and King of Spades.

8. The King’s manager, Colonel Tom Parker, made more than Elvis. He got 50% of what the star made from 1967 on and then earned extra pay as a technical adviser on Elvis’ films.

9. The King’s first guitar cost $12.95.

10. Football was The King’s favorite sport and the Cleveland Browns were his favorite team.

11. Elvis’ favorite movie was James Dean’s Rebel Without a Cause, which he memorized line by line.

12. Some of Elvis’s bejewelled jumpsuits weighed more than 25 pounds.

13. The first country to honor Elvis on a postage stamp was the Caribbean island nation of Grenada.

14. Elvis owned 37 guns and liked them so much that he wore a two-shot derringer during live performances in the 1970s.

15. Elvis’ natural hair color was blond, but he dyed it black.

16. Elvis was awarded two medals while serving in the Army, one for expert marksmanship and the other for sharpshooting.

17. Elvis wore a cross, the Hebrew letter chai, and a star of David around his neck. “I don’t want to miss out on heaven due to a technicality,” he said.

18. Elvis recorded more than 600 songs in his music career, but didn’t write a single one of them.

19. Elvis’ favorite meal: Pork chops with brown gravy and apple pie for dessert.

20. Among the many nicknames Elvis went by were: E, Big E, Big El, The Bopping Hillbilly, The Cat, The Chief, Mr. Dynamite and, of course, The King.

[Image courtesy of FreakingNews.com]

CLEVELAND, OH – The Cleveland Browns are on the look-out for a new leader after Coach Crennel went missing under supernatural circumstances.

In a bizarre act, eerily reminiscent of the Samuel Jackson death scene in the movie “Deep Blue Sea” (video below), Cleveland Browns coach Romeo Crennel was swallowed whole this morning by the Lake Erie Monster upon returning back from Philadelphia at the Burke Lakefront Airport in Cleveland, Ohio.

A local photographer took vivid shots of the crime:

According to eyewitnesses on the scene, Crennel had assembled the team on the tarmac at the Burke airport on the shores of Lake Erie. After the 4-10 Browns deplaned, Crennel asked the weary team to huddle up for a motivational talk.

Crennel stood in front of his men and told them, “Nature can be lethal, but it doesn’t hold a candle to man. Now you’ve seen how bad things can get, and how quick they can get that way. Well, they can get a whole lot worse.  So we’re not going to fight anymore. We’re going to pull together and we’re going to find a way to get out of here. First, we are going to score a touch-”.

Before the embattled Coach could finish his speech, a long-necked sea monster rose out of the frigid waters and devoured the coach in front of his team.

U.S. Coast Guard petty officer Byron Firdelis, an ardent Browns supporter, told reporters that the Cleveland-based Lake Erie Coast Guard would not initiate a search for Crennel. Firdelis said, “We can’t take the risk of jeopardizing men in the search for a Coach that has now had 3 10-loss seasons in 4 years.  Besides, Crennel is not a strong swimmer. Our recommendation to Browns management is to finalize discussions with Bill Cowher as quickly as possible.”