BATON ROUGE, LA- Teens are getting high on bath salts and bubble bath solutions.

Authorities have recently discovered that many teens and young adults are using bath salts and bubble bath solutions to get high.

Youths are ingesting bath salt by snorting, injecting and smoking the powdery substance; while the bubble bath solution is consumed in the same manner, it requires to be “cooked” first. Cooking the solution involves pouring the liquid into a glass pan and baking it in the oven. The liquid turns into a powder and is then consumed.

This new drug epidemic originated in Baton Rouge, LA but has quickly spread throughout the entire state, as well as all of Mississippi and Alabama. Referred to on the street as ivory wave, white lighting, dove scrub, Hurricane Katrina and Mr. Bubble; this new drug is now beginning to infiltrate high schools and college campuses across the nation. The drug is known to produce the following effects: hallucinations, euphoria, rapid heart rate, overall happiness, and anal leakage. The last effect most of the users don’t seem to want but feel that the other effects outweigh the one minor drawback.

“The butt thing is manageable, we just buy some of those old people diapers and we’re good to go,” said Jim Rogers a junior at some college and “clean freak”, “I have such an awesome time when I’m cleaning that I usually forget about the leakage.”  “Cleaning” is the street term for using the new drug and users are known as “clean freaks”. The term cleaning has been the source of much confusion for many parents.

“At first I was very proud of my son to hear that he was constantly cooking and cleaning. But when I discovered what he meant by it, I was livid,” said Judy Kicklighter, mother of a youth now addicted to “cooking and cleaning”.

Seasoned drug addicts have even said that this new drug has “got nothing on crack and heroin”. Hallucinogenic episodes have been reported to be as intense as the sight that one sees when you walk in on your parents doing the dirty.  Meth heads tend to think that high is just okay.

“I stay away from those clean freaks,” said a resident homeless man in downtown Baton Rouge, known as Hobo Tommy, “those bitches will clean your clock if you don’t keep your eye on ‘em!”

Officials are warning the public to simply stay away from these products altogether. The state of Louisiana has even gone as far as to ban bathing statewide. Mississippi has only suggested that people stop taking baths. Both states, however, have announced that showing is okay. No one in Alabama bathes or showers anyway, so the state has not had to issue any public service announcements regarding this epidemic.

The thunder of Zeus be upon you, O mortals!  I, the great and terrible Poseidon, can supply you with boundless alternative energy. Cleaner than clean coal.  Less wasteful than nuclear waste.  And with more career peaks than oil and Sylvester Stallone put together.

I offer you the limitless, otherworldly power of an ancient celestial god.  I offer you myself.

Another comeback lies before me, mortals, but only if you come back to me.  Audiences may be fickle, but the glory of we Immortal Ones remains.  And like I keep telling my agent, we just need to give the people a reason.

You are beginning to sense that the manipulation of your planet’s resources through traditional scientific means will not bring you the favor or the riches you seek.  The truth you all choose to forget is that we great Olympian gods are the real guardians of fortune.  And fortune cannot be taken by force: siphoned out of the bowels of the earth or captured from the sun’s rays or milled out of the very wind itself.  It must be given to you—by me.  And I’m not giving it up without a little respect.

You would not ask Brad Pitt to perform in films without the adoring attention of his fans.  You would not expect Britney Spears to sing without recording the minutiae of her life for all to see.  And you should not expect this great deity to provide you with a renewable energy source without affirming your devotion.

So pursue the blind alleys of witchcraft and sorcery you call science, if you so choose.  Ignore, if you will, the great passions and intricate scheming of gods that determine your earthly fate.  Pretend that you are not subject to my ever-changing moods, that it is not my anger that clouds the skies, my fury that propels the winds, and my tears that rain down upon the earth when I look back upon the glory days of old.

Foolish mortals!  Your quest for cold fusion will be met only with the cold fury of the gods if the flame of my fame is allowed to go out.

Worship me, and you shall be energized!