The Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors on Tuesday agreed to institute fines for surfing.  Average fine: $5,000.

In a 598-page ordinance, the county board specified precisely what is and is not allowed on LA beaches during the summertime — and any object other than a beach ball or volleyball is out.   Throwing a football or a Frisbee is considered illegal beach activity, but the board’s move upped the fine for violations to a whopping $2,000.

“It is unlawful for any person to cast, toss, throw, kick or roll any ball, tube, or any light object other than a beach ball or beach volleyball upon or over any beach at any time,” the ordinance states.

No more of this dangerous act:

The biggest shock was the Board banned surfing – the sport most associated with L.A.!!

“We’ve had too many injuries and some beaches have begun dangerous because certain Surfer Gangs refuse to allow other non-gang members to surf.  For the safety of all Los Angeles citizens, whether near the beach or inland, we hearby ban all surfing, surfboard, wetsuits, surfboard shops and surfing music,” the ordinance reads.

There was an uproar from a number of surfing enthusiasts outside City Hall, but it did’t last long because they forgot why they were there.  But, eyewitnesses say they looked upset.

Here’s a typical LA Surfer gang:

The Board of Supervisors is looking at banning bathing suits and suntan lotion as well.  ”Bathing suits cause all sorts of problems on the beach.  Many people have been injured when there bathing suits have accidentally fallen down or when they were staring at someone else’s bathing suit or bikini, thus causing an accident.  Bathing suits are dangerous.”

Smoking on beaches was banned in 2008.  And look how dangerous this is:

Will running on the beach be banned?  Biking?  Breathing? WWN asked the Board of Supervisors and they said… “Look, you guys are trying to make this into some kind of joke, but we need to keep our citizens safe and the safest place for them is out of the sun, off the beach and in a dark room with no frisbees, footballs or surfers.”

California here I come…

NEW YORK – Mayor Michael Bloomberg is banning the sale and giveaway of tote bags in New York City.

At a press conference at City Hall this afternoon, Mayor Bloomberg explained, “For years, the problem was regular plastic bags from grocery stores and bodegas. They were littering our streets, filling our landfills. We started a mandatory recycling program at stores and implemented a 5-cent refund for customers. We’ve had great success in those measures.”

He continued, “I could have never anticipated the tote bag craze, but now businesses are giving away or selling them for next to nothing. And I mean everyone from Trader Joe’s to The New Yorker to Carnival Cruise Lines to the public schools. Have you walked down the street lately? There are billboards everywhere, but they’re on sustainable, organic canvas. It’s an epidemic. What happened to mugs and magnets?”

Bloomberg is said to have support from several NYC council members, as well as the NYC Department of Sanitation.

“I still support the BYO Bag initiative. I just want to put a stop to the new wave of bags, particularly the free with subscription or purchase bags. Not to mention, we want to nip this thing in the bud before election season. Can you imagine? What savvy politician isn’t going to distribute tote bags to his or her constituents and supporters? It’s got to stop, and before the ‘Keep the Change’ bags of 2012 are available.”

Marcia Kleinfeld, who watched on as Bloomberg explained his position, agrees with the mayor. “I moved to New York so I could be nameless. These tote bags are labels. And I’m tired of being labeled. Of course, I wanted to do good by the environment. But I miss the anonymous, throw-away plastic bag days.”

No word on how Bloomberg’s proposed ban will impact ticket sales for American Beauty 2: Tote Bag in the Tree which is set to be released this November, just in time for the holidays and Oscar nomination season.

NEW YORK -  A new stop was opened on the 6 Train in New York.  “City Hall” Station takes you back in time.

Hidden deep under New York City, a “secret” subway stop was just reopened. City Hall station, is a beautiful structure that opened in 1904, but has been out of use for decades, can be seen by riders … if they know how to make the journey.

To get to the City Hall station you have to stay on the train.  A  conductor -  Fritz Barnkopf will come through the trains and ask you for the secret password.  Hint:  “Teddy Roosevelt.”

The brave riders who make it to City Hall station, say that it is a magical experience.  “You literally go back in time.  You leave New York in 2010 and you arrive in New York 1904.   You become a time traveler.”

Many say that Fritz Barnkopf is a ghost from 1904 and he just wanders the train and subway station around City Hall Station.   Others are skeptical.  “Ah, he’s just another New York freak, dressing up in a weird get-up,” said Sal Grimaldi of Brooklyn.

WWN did find a photograph of Fritz Barnkopf.  Have you seen him on the 6 train?

And here are more photos of City Hall station.  Photos by
John Paul Palescandolo.

So why was the station closed so many years ago?   Some say the curved tracks made it dangerous because there were “big gaps” in between cars that were dangerous to passengers.  Others say it’s because of the Ghost of Fritz Barnkopf.

What do you think?

NEW YORK, NY – Bat Boy was spotted taking part in Proposition 8 protests this past weekend.

All across the country, citizens united in protest of California’s Proposition 8 to strictly define marriage between a man and a woman, as well as other anti-same-sex marriage laws that were passed on November 4.

Bat Boy was seen outside City Hall with “PROP 8″ with an X through it painted across his chest. While Bat Boy was unable to convey his feelings through words, he did send his high-pitched squeaks of dissent echoing across the plaza.

Many mutants turned out for these protests. Mutant rights organizers explained that a number of mutants, such as the Manigator, are born from interspecial relations. Legalizing gay marriage is one step closer to allowing these unconventional unions to be officially recognized.

Manigator was not present at the rallies, as he was too busy getting “tore up” with his sewer alligator cousins.