CAMBRIDGE, U.K. – New research done by the University of Cambridge proves conclusively that Christopher Columbus was black.

DNA analysis of the remains of Christopher Columbus, done by forensic scientists at the University of Cambridge, prove beyond a shadow a doubt that the famed navigator was of African descent.

“A five-hundred-year-mystery has been solved,”  said Wellington Malley, the head of the Cambridge research team.  “Even though Columbus was born in Genoa, and spoke and wrote in Spanish most of his life, the DNA is clear – Columbus was 100% African.  We believe he was from the west coast, probably from what is now Cameroon.”

“No way!”, said Carlo Minucci of Bayonne, New Jersey.  “Columbus is a full-blooded Italian-America.  He sailed here with his friends Nina and Pinta  and discovered Hoboken.  That’s the way it went down.  He’s not black.  This is our day!”

Sorry, Carlo.  It’s the truth. .. Some of the remains of Christopher Columbus were found in Seville Cathedral, in Spain, and some bones were buried in Santo Domingo Cathedral in the Dominican Republic.  “All of the bones and the remains from both locations have been checked and rechecked.  He’s black.”

Columbus died in 1506.  In 1537, the widow of his son Diego was allowed to take the bones of both her husband and his father to the Dominican Republic for burial in the cathedral of Santo Domingo.  Diego was also black.

Not all African-Americans were pleased to know learn about Columbus’s ethnic identity.   “What?  Columbo was a thug, a punk.  He sailed out over here and slaughtered the Indians, ” said Fred Johnson of Harlem.  “I think the whole thing is bogus, trying to pin a crime on blacks again.  This is B.S.”

But President Obama heard news over the weekend and was proud to know that one of the greatest sailors and navigators of all time was black.  “I’m ordering all statues and monuments to Christopher Columbus be taken down and redone.  We want his likeness to be accurate.”

Mayor Bloomberg in New York said that the big Italian-American parade down 5th Avenue would be changed to an African-American parade in honor of Christopher Columbus.

“Fuggedabout it,” said Tony Cinelli of Brooklyn.  “This ain’t right.  This is the only Italian day we get.  And they take it away from us?  We get no respect.  Next thing you know they’ll be telling us that the Chinese invented pasta.”

The Grand Marshall of this year’s Columbus Day Parade – Maria Bartiromo has been replaced by Beyonce.

Native-American were indifferent to the news.  “Either way we got screwed,” said Chief Walking Stick,  a Navajo Indian.

Well, whether you are  black, Italian, or just a Columbus-lover…  get out there and celebrate the day!

FARGO, N.D.  — A scientist from Oregon has proven that the earth is indeed flat.

To support his belief that world is flat, the Oregon man has given the Library of Congress a  gift: a 120-year-old map supporting his theory that the Earth is flat.

Dan Pormouth, of Salem, Ore., says the map was given to him by his eighth-grade teacher. It was created by Orlando Ferguson of Hot Springs, S.D.

Pormouth used to live in Fargo and was a North Dakota state senator.  He has been working on disproving the “theory” (as he calls it) that the world is round.

“For over two centuries scientists have been telling citizens of the world that the earth is round.  It is not.  It is flat and I have the scientific proof,” Pormouth said.  When asked about the numerous pictures of earth taken from outer space, Pormouth says, “they were all taken AFTER photography was at an advanced level, they were all manipulated. The earth is flat!”

Pormouth also submitted this map as further proof of his “flat earth” theory:

Pormouth dismissed claims by pilots and aerospace engineers, many of whom have flown “around” the earth.  “They are all in on the plot.  We you fly around the world you are flying around a rectangle, not a circle!”

Library of Congress spokesman Jake Morris told The Forum newspaper that officials checked more than 75 maps before confirming the design was one-of-a-kind.  Morris told WWN that he also believe the world is flat.

Pormouth said that in the next three months he will be producing “conclusive” evidence that the earth is flat.  “It’s going to turn this world upside down.”

When Christopher Columbus crossed the Atlantic Ocean 517 years ago, he used a map of the New World that could only have been prepared by aliens!

“The original map that Columbus used in 1492 has long since disappeared but a copy of it that was made in 1513 still survives and has intrigued historians and cartographers since its discovery in Istanbul 80 years ago,” declares Turkish researcher Mehmet Ali Yilmaz.

“It’s an incredibly detailed chart,” he continues, “showing many important geographic landmarks which hadn’t even been discovered in 1513 – like the Andes Mountains, the course of the Amazon River and Antarctica. It shows the southern tip of Florida, portions of Mexico and all of the Caribbean islands, Central America and South America.

“But the most incredible thing about this chart is that mathematical analysis shows it is an aerial view of the southern hemisphere taken from many miles above Earth, clearly showing the curvature and proving the world wasn’t flat.

“This copy of the Columbus map was found in 1929 by a museum official in Istanbul,” the researcher adds.

“It was painted on parchment by a 16th century Turkish admiral and mapmaker, Piri Re’is.

“In a note in the margin, Piri Re’is stated that he had consulted ‘about 20′ charts in compiling his map – including one which Columbus had taken with him on his 1492 voyage.”

After years of being ignored by professional geographers, it was an American college professor, Charles Hapgood, who finally recognized the significance of the Piri Re’is chart in the early 1960s.

“After analyzing it mathematically,” Ali Yilmaz says, “Hapgood determined it could only be an aerial view whose projection point was miles above the meridian of the Egyptian city of Alexandria, the site of an ancient library.

“And when he uncovered similar ancient maps, Professor Hapgood concluded that the original maps were made by space travelers and were then copied by scholars at the centuries-old library.”

But how did one of the maps fall into Columbus’ hands?

“Where he got it isn’t important,” the researcher says. “It’s where the map got him.”

LOS ANGELES, CA – A Three Stooges movie is in the works, set to star Jim Carrey, Benicio Del Toro, and Sean Penn.  Ghosts of the original Stooges are in an uproar.

Based in the increasing popularity of film remakes, Hollywood is seeking to update another cherished gem: the Three Stooges.  Sean Penn, after winning an Academy award for the drama Milk, became the studio’s first choice to play Larry.  Fellow Oscar winner Benecio Del Toro (Traffic, The Usual Suspects) will play Moe, with Jim Carrey (23, The Majestic) as Curly.

The ghosts of the Three Stooges, have come forward to voice their dissatisfaction with the issue.

The Stooges have haunted Universal lot 34 since their accidental death in 1948.  They died in a freak explosion while filming “The Three Stooges Meet Hamlet.”  Their last words, caught on film and hidden in the Universal archives, were “Hey Moe, what’s this do?”

Spectral images of Moe Howard, Larry Fine, and Curly Howard started appearing around the various Hollywood lots, for a moment figuring out where they were then berating each other for getting the directions wrong.  Finally this weekend the trio appeared in a meeting of the studio heads responsible for the upcoming Stooges picture.  An inside source says that after some initial panic Curly, said the following:

“Ladies and gentlemen, please excuse our interruption.  While we appreciate that our movies are still well known and that you want to use our characters.  However, we feel that the current trend of remakes is an act of creative laziness that will only alienate you from you audiences in the long run.  It is with the utmost respect that we ask you to please let our films be.  We would prefer to not have our legacy infringed by this endeavor.”

Then Moe’s ghost punched him and said, “I told you we should have worn sheets!”

As Stooges continued to fight the studio execs sat staring until one finally stood up, saying, “Yeah, but the wheels are already in motion with this, and we really think the Farrelly brothers will bring a lot of class to the franchise.”

The three stooges merely sighed and disappeared back to the spiritual plane.  But not before Moe called the assembled group a bunch of “knuckleheads.”

The assembled group continued their meeting, greenlighting a remake of Citizen Kane starring Tom Hanks and directed by Christopher Columbus.